There is no such a thing as a separate me or self at all. It was never there at the first place. It only exists in mind, which is a bunch of thoughts, formless and shapeless, arising out of nothing and disappearing in nothingness.1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
The illusion of separate self is a body-mind structure, which believes its own independent exist. Through this illusion, the Me believes itself is real, and the world outside is real, the other is real. So there is me and the world. And because of this (imagined )separation, there is a constant feeling of lost, that the me somehow is never good enough.2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
when it starts? I can't/don't know when it starts. When we are in deep sleep, there is no sense of a separate me. But the moment we wake up, this me sense seems to be there immediately and says 'I ' wake up! while the fact is waking up just happens spontaneously! this 'I' who claims is just a redundant thought. When this I thought is believed, the doer is born. But actually this doer is just a thought, which has no influence at all on what is going to happen or not. All the body function is just operating on its own, for example the circulation of blood, the breathing, heart beating, digestion, secretion of our glands, sense of hunger or thirst or warm or cold, and all kind of biochemical reactions in our body...etc. None of them is managed or controlled by this me thought. So obviously, It is a illusion to believe this Me thought be the body.
The separate self is an illusive doer, but it can't see its own illusion. So this dream doer becomes a claimer who takes ownership for what is happening and so the misery starts... Like I'm working as acupuncturist. I need to make certain diagnosis for each patient I see. It happens that sometimes I just can't get a clue and it takes time to find out, sometimes i just know it straight away. Now I see when I get the right diagnosis, it is what happening, not ' I' know it, but the knowing just comes up to my mind at that moment. And when i can't find the right diagnosis, it is also what is happening, which is essentially the same as when I know it. By seeing this through, this illusive me has been checked out---- it was never there anyway.
With thoughts and emotions, it works the same. Without a separate me ( a dream me), there is no ownership of the thoughts and emotions. so the battle of trying to control them also stops.
Hopefully that I've covered the question. (again the I, you guys know what i mean). If not, it is what is happening.
It feels tremendously relaxed and liberating to see this through!3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I think the dialogue has helped me to see it (Me) more clearly, its subtleties. Some times it is still active, but it can be quickly seen through. The day before yesterday, exactly 2 weeks ago, my husband passed away. I got a phone call from his second son, concerning about the inheritance. Since this son had hardly any contact with the father before his death, I felt quite upset , angry as well, finding hem stupid and cold. I was, or better to say, the emotions hanging there for a day. Then I realized that I have taken it personally, which is the trademark of the function of Me. I could see then that his phone call was just what was happening, it was life expressing itself at that moment in such a way. And I also don't need to take the anger or whatever emotions personally. Whenever things getting personal, they become heavy burden.
I can't really say that there was some last bit which pushed me off. It seems there are many bits which finally making the illusion collapsing (hopefully :) . My spiritual journey started unexpectedly 4 years ago. There was a sudden shift, since then i became a searcher. But it wasn't until half an year ago i came to realize that the ego i was trying so desperately to get rid of never existed! In the passed 2, 3 months my journey got very much intensified by itself. By accident (:) ! ) I came across Elina on Youtube. Never heard about her, somehow i clicked her videos. By watching one of them, when I heard she saying ' you are perfect as you are, what does it mean? ...'' it was such a striking! I was crying and crying upon those words, some kind of shift must happened I guess. But there was nothing spectacular afterwards.4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
A separate me always believes it has to make decision and having free will to chose. Because of the sense of separation, it always needs security, so it has to be in control. And its intention is always of self interest, self importance.5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
In fact, decision making happens, no planner. Life has no intention, it is a free flow of unfolding of the unknown. Free will is the dream of the dream Me. Choice and control are both the dreaming material/contents of Me. Things are happening by themselves, spontaneously, like coming and going of each breath, like leaves dancing in the wind, like birds singing, no direction, no intention, no mistakes.
I'm not responsible for anything. like half an hour ago, there was enormous grieving arising in me, I missed my husband. so I just cried. and after some while, the sadness was just gone. So I'm not responsible for my emotions, they are not mine emotions. they are free to come and go. And in my work, i welcome that I don't know just as I welcome the known. There is no worry or stress anymore of ' I'm not good enough because i don't know.' all those nonsense just falling away.
So I've been working hard to answer all your questions. now I'm waiting for your reply, curiously.
much love
Mei
