Inspired by Jed

[Merrick]

It is odd that I keep having this tendency that goes under the radar sometimes even as I have been doing these exercises you give me, to constantly look for the "I" behind it.

There's no reason why it can't be just sensations, things, and energy. But I keep looking for this "I" that notices the sensations, etc...

I tried to observe 'being' again and there is no "I", that I can see/know/be/etc...

Also, for what it's worth, I'll mention it again cause I think it's funny, right after my last post, I was eating spaghetti and that same little experience I mentioned I had a couple times happened again. I was looking down at my plate and eating, and there was a shift in awareness. I became the "eating of the spaghetti" lol. It was again, just simply an impersonal awareness of life happening that lasted for just a few seconds.

[Bananafish]

Thanks, Merrick!
Nice to hear that spaghetti experience.
Did it feel like a big shift?
Any changes in your everyday life?


I'll be out of town for a while, and might not have enough time to respond. I'll be back on 3/29 JST.

[Merrick]

Did it feel like a big shift?

The spaghetti experience did not feel like a "big" shift in itself.

Any changes in your everyday life?

Yes! The rational side of me says the changes are difficult to pinpoint to a particular reason due to many changes in life lately. But I have to say, since these conversations with you, my every day life has been enhanced (even though I basically stopped meditating + reading books)

- Less analytic planning and just surrendering to the present moment/creative flow, letting 'whatever happens, happen'
- Less reactivity to "negativity"
- Increase in overall peace and joy for no particular "reason". Joy just because.
- WAY LESS giving a sh*t what others think of "me"
- Less overthinking
- An increase in feeling 'love' to other people who I may have a reason to view negatively
- Increase in letting the past go

I'll be out of town for a while, and might not have enough time to respond. I'll be back on 3/29 JST.

Ok NP! Have a good time out of town!

[Bananafish]

Hi Merrick! I'm back.

How do you see the self now?
Could you describe what the "I" is?

[Merrick]

Hi Merrick! I'm back.

How do you see the self now?
Could you describe what the "I" is?

Hi!

I really don't know anymore what the 'self' or "I" is. Before, I would "THINK" I knew what the self was or rather, was not, but it seems like even that intellectual 'understanding' was a blockage to my true understanding that there is no 'self'.

I'm not able to come up with anything at all, feeling wise, or thought wise, on what the 'self' is anymore.

Ok so I have some things I want to share regarding this. So a couple of days after the spaghetti experience, I was walking my dog and I was contemplating on the "self". My awareness shifted again and this time the walking path I was looking at right in front of me kind of transformed visually. It was similar to the other experiences again where I felt like an impersonal/impartial observer of the world. Again lasted only for a few seconds.

Ever since starting these conversations with you, I had like 4-5 of these experiences. They ALWAYS happen when I am not expecting anything to happen. I know this is how it always works as expectations hinder us from seeing reality as it is.

I found my self recently as I have been doing your exercises, that I have this silent "expectation" in the background of 'something should happen'. And of course, in doing so, nothing happens.

It's really funny because, I am basically having expectations of "no-self realization" being this dramatic shift in awareness or something, when I have no idea what it will be like or what I am even looking for... It's like as if the truth is right in front of me, but I keep choosing to look behind the truth. Behind the truth which fits expectations and familiarity.

[Bananafish]

Ohh ... your post made me smile, Merrick.

I love to see clarity dawn on people. :)


Do you have anything you want to further explore?

[Merrick]

Do you have anything you want to further explore?

Although I KNOW I am 'having silent expectations' blocking me from reality as I said, I still feel like I need to get through this further. I don't know what it is I am looking for, but I know I'm not "there" yet. Or maybe I don't know if I'm "there" or "not there". I have no idea what this is anymore lol. Shouldn't there be some "permanent shift" in my awareness of some sort. Is this expectation stopping me from getting it? Is there anything TO GET?

[Merrick]

In other words, although I feel this 'delusion of self' a LOT less in daily life, and live life more harmoniously with everything that happens, it feels more like a shift in DEGREE rather than a complete shift in my STATE of awareness if that makes sense... In other words, I feel like I am significantly less 'self' than before, but shouldn't it be a complete shift from 'self' to 'no-self', and not just a change in degree from more "self' to less "self""?

[Bananafish]

Ok. Please elaborate on what "less self" and "more self" are.
Also, please tell me what "state of awareness" is.

[Merrick]

Ok. Please elaborate on what "less self" and "more self" are.
Also, please tell me what "state of awareness" is.

Upon exploring these questions, it seems they do not make much sense. "Less self" and "more self" doesn't make sense. There is no 'self'. Maybe there is "less thoughts" and "more thoughts" but they do not come from any 'self'. Which leads to the next question, the 'state of awareness'.

The contents of awareness may change, but awareness does not. How can 'awareness' change? It just IS, and stays the way its always been. The television shows may change, but the 'state of the TV screen' stays the same.

[Bananafish]

Are the television and shows separate?

[Merrick]

Are the television and shows separate?

This is a question that has confused me for a long time. If there are no shows on, the screen is still there, but nothing is being watched. Is this nothing, a something? I'm getting theoretical so I'll just answer the main question.

TV and shows/Awareness and contents are not separate. I cannot be aware if there is nothing to be aware of, and if there is nothing to be aware of, there is no awareness. I realize now, I always saw this as a dichotomy... "The watcher and the watched". However, it is obvious now you cannot have one without the other.

It really is difficult to grasp with the mind, but in the here and now, there is no "awareness" that precedes the "contents of awareness". It's just one mind-blowing "thing" of awareness and the contents. The known and the knower.

[Merrick]

Hi Bananafish, are you still there? Out of town again?

[Bananafish]

Hi Merrick. :)

It’s been hectic these days ... sorry for not replying.
I’ll reply tonight, so please wait for a while.

[Bananafish]

Oh, got a short question for you:

Do you feel a kind of shift (however small) happened?