Hi Luisa,
Sorry for my delayed response, I wanted to give these questions adequate time.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate entity "self." There is only experience. Anything that one could possibly point to in experience and call it 'self,' is still just a part of experience. There is nothing that stands apart from experience, witnessing it, and even if there were, we would be unable to know about it, since by definition it would be outside of experience. There is just the experience itself, no subject that is "experiencing" it. There never was a self or a subject, there were just clusters of feelings and unexamined thoughts that I was calling "self" by habit. When actually looked for, there is nothing tangible there at all - only experience.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
There are three main ways that I notice the illusion manifests itself. The first is sort of physical - it feels like there is physically a separate observer "behind" the experience, seeing things as if on a screen in a movie theater. When I try to look for this observer, or to look for the difference between the "seer" and what is being seen, this feeling of distance between the two collapses - there becomes only the seen, only the heard, only what is felt. But when I cease paying attention, this feeling of being physically "behind" the experience will begin arising again. A second way is in the feeling of intention, or free will. When I am performing actions without watching them carefully, it feels as though there is an "I" who is in control - not just knowing what is going to happen before it happens, but actually
making the decision. There's this vague sense of "choosing" what I am going to do next. This feeling is a major component of feeling like a "self." But when I pay attention, it becomes clear that really all there is is some tension, a pull perhaps, in the direction of whatever movement or action I'm about to take next - but there is no "self" who chooses this tension, which way it will pull, when exactly the tension will finally become the movement, etc. There is no actual choice-making going on at all. And sometimes, the tension will pull one way and at the last moment, the opposite thing will happen anyway. So really there is just the experience of these things, no actual agency over them. The third way the illusion arises is from unexamined thought. Anytime I am "thinking without knowing I'm thinking," which is to say lost in thought, the feeling of being a self becomes strong. I feel that I am "thinking" the thoughts; I am choosing them somehow. I feel that I
am the thoughts in a way, because they are my voice, right? But again, when I pay attention, it becomes clear that "I" have no control over these thoughts at all, don't choose them, don't know when they're going to happen, etc - they are just another phenomenon in the many phenomena occurring in experience. These three things are the main ways I notice the illusion of self arising.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels both good and somewhat unsettling/eerie. What feels good is the realization that things are simply not as serious as they always seemed to be. Seeing the story or illusion of self for what it is makes you realize how everything you've ever been worried about, obsessed about, afraid of, etc. are all just momentary appearances in experience - there really is no overarching story of "you." There is only conscious phenomena, one after another. No one in there to whom they are happening. Just experience. So this feels good one on hand, but can also feel somewhat troubling on another - for aren't the very good things that you've attached so much importance to (your relationships, loved ones, aspirations, etc.) also just momentary appearances in experience? At times the feeling of "emptiness" - that of there being no inner subject, just experience - can feel very blissful, peaceful, radiant, etc., while at other times it can feel somewhat emotionless, somewhat empty in a different way. I am committed to working with this though, because on balance the feeling is good. To be right in the middle of a state of self-obsessed thought, of neurotic worrying and doubt, and then stop and notice the actual lack of self in there, is an overwhelming feeling of relief. I think this is well worth the effort. The difference from when we started the dialogue until now is both a feeling of confidence, and the ease and clarity with which I can now see through the illusion. Both were lacking before - I had a harder time seeing through it, when I did it was still somewhat unclear, and as a result I had less confidence in the "knowing" of the illusion. Now, all three have become decisively clear.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
There was a moment when you told me to "stop hiding behind thoughts" and just look. This was really a key moment for me. Even as I was seeing through the illusion more and more regularly, I was still coming to you with questions and doubts - more thoughts. Everything just being thoughts, that I was clinging to, in a subtle way. When you told me to stop hiding behind these thoughts, something clicked. The thoughts that my lingering sense of self was hiding behind were just thoughts like any other - just thoughts appearing in AE, then drifting away, just like any other. To "stop hiding behind" them was just to see that they are thoughts like any other, and that no one is actually thinking them, and so there was in a sense
never any doubt at all, since there is no one there to conceive of the doubt or experience it - there are just thoughts being labeled as "doubt" - so what? That has nothing to do with simply looking and seeing the illusion for what it is.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I mentioned this briefly above, but I'll try to explain a little better here. When I set up a deliberate choice for myself and pay attention to experience, I can notice a feeling of "tension" before the decision, and before the action. So I put my hands out in front of me, and I am going to raise one of them. Left or right? I will feel nothing, then a tension will start to arise on one side or another. A "pull" towards that particular hand. It feels like something is going to happen there. I do not choose which side this intention arises on - there is no separate "I" to do the choosing anyway - but even if we believed there was, there is still no moment of "choosing." There is just the tension, it just appears out of nowhere, just like anything else. The tension will build, and then at some point it reaches a peak and the action occurs. Sometimes though, the tension will switch sides instead. When this happens, there is usually a thought first - "I'll switch to the other side" - and then there is a tension on the other side. Sometimes this thought/tension sequences occurs multiple times, going back and forth. But there is never a moment where I can actually notice anyone or anything
making this thought or tension appear, anyone
deciding. It just happens. And again, at some point the tension gives way to the actual movement - but there is no one there controlling when this moment happens, either. The feeling of having control is really, I've noticed, just an illusory feeling we associate with having some idea of what's about to happen. So the tension usually gives me some idea of which side is going to be raised, and that feeling is interpreted as "control." But really, there is no control because there is no controller - there's just the experience of what is happening, which is known.
Thank you Luisa, I hope these answers are helpful.
Dan
