feels like I'm close

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

I hope you've enjoyed your weekend

For sake of understanding each other, let's have working definitions for belief and knowing. Belief is of the mind, of intellect. Knowing is reality. You can believe there is or is not a Santa Claus, for example. You know there is an elephant at a zoo when you see and hear it - belief is not a factor.

- couldn't agree more

- A sensation of focusing on the inside of the body, mostly the inside of the torso and head, but also the area of the eyes.
- A sensation in the head and body of looking out at the world
- A feeling of trapped energy, of resistance of the flow of energy
- Some anxiety, insecurity, and sped-up heartbeat

Very interesting! Which of these four sensations and feelings do you most associate with "Peter-Self"?

- A feeling of trapped energy, of resistance of the flow of energy + a sensation of focusing on the inside of the head and torso

I've been feeling a lot of surges of energy through me since yesterday, and I have begun to "disappear" and see how the body is just doing its thing. It's a bit creepy actually :S ... and exhausting.

If you are at home when this happens, lie down with eyes closed, take a long calming breath, and be present in the body with it. See where it takes you. Let me know what you find.

- it just gets me thinking about my life - plans, hopes, fears, questions, realizations, speculations. When I manage to allow thoughts to flow freely the negativity goes away often.

I think the sky has cleared a little bit more since I last wrote to you. That's what I've got so far. I guess there's not much left to do but let things unfold?

Best Wishes,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

I think the sky has cleared a little bit more since I last wrote to you. That's what I've got so far. I guess there's not much left to do but let things unfold?

There's more we can explore, but you always come back to the same sticking points, so yes let's let things unfold for you for a bit. But don't go too long without checking in. Check back here in a week to let me know how its going.

"See" you in a week! :)

Love,
Dennis

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

How are you doing? I hope things are well in your world.

It's been a week. How are things unfolding for you?

Give me a progress report.

Thanks! :)

Warm regards,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

Thank you for getting in touch. I hope you're doing well

I'm back home in Bulgaria to see my family. I'm not very well because I discovered that I had many expectations about life. I've been using the Work to ferret them out, but it's quite difficult. The illusion of self has been seen through a bit more clearly also. I did the seven steps of LU 1 day ago and as far as I could notice the main things getting in the way were expectations that I shouldn't be so worried about disapproval as a result of seeing through the illusion. Otherwise the self-illusion is quite clear from DE: it's a self-image that occurs after thoughts, words, and actions, creating the assumption that someone has done them. I guess it's because no one can be found choosing them.

I'm not sure what to do about it now.

Best Wishes,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

the self-illusion is quite clear from DE: it's a self-image that occurs after thoughts

Peter, it looks to me like you are trying to figure this out intellectually. You can't think your way though it. You can only realize it directly.

Whether you "See" or whether you don't, thoughts and emotions will still be a part of your life, as they are with everyone. Life, as they say, will go on.

I'm not sure what to do about it now.

Do you want to go on with our discussion? I'm happy to continue.

Love,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

Peter, it looks to me like you are trying to figure this out intellectually. You can't think your way though it. You can only realize it directly.

- yes, I have been trying to figure it out intellectually, indeed. I try to do this as little as possible, but sometimes it's really tempting to try to understand things with thought. Especially when I have to use thoughts throughout the day for planning and problem solving, the I thought gets in the way inevitably so I'm tempted to analyze what it is, how it works, why it gets in the way, and how it can stop getting in the way. You know what I mean?

Do you want to go on with our discussion? I'm happy to continue.

oh yes, definitely, if you're okay with that. I'm quite impressed by your patience, actually. If you're too busy to write at times, that's always fine, too.

So more looking and less intellectualizing - I'll do my best!

Love,
Petar

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

I also clearly identified a fear getting in the way of letting go, and I'm not sure how to approach it through DE. There is a belief that even if the self is seen to not exist, it will still appear real, and that will cause a lot of fear about it. I did the "what needs to be protected" exercise today that questions the fear, and I think I will do it again later on. Do you have any suggestion on how to approach this? Thank you so much!

Love,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

I'm ready to continue along side you on the path. :)

So more looking and less intellectualizing - I'll do my best!

Yeah. And I'll do my best to point you in the right direction.

I also clearly identified a fear getting in the way of letting go, and I'm not sure how to approach it through DE. There is a belief that even if the self is seen to not exist, it will still appear real, and that will cause a lot of fear about it. I did the "what needs to be protected" exercise today that questions the fear, and I think I will do it again later on. Do you have any suggestion on how to approach this? Thank you so much!

I'm glad you asked! I've noticed from the beginning of our conversation that fear is your biggest expectation, and your biggest limiter. You can continue with the "what needs to be protected" exercise, sure. Try to do it from the same place as when you watch thoughts drift by. Find the fear as a raw physical sensation in your body, and then come close to it and just sit with it for a while. Then try to look behind it. See what's there, even if it's nothing at all. If you converse with the fear, remember that it may not speak in words. It may speak to you in feelings or images. See where it takes you. Also remember that answers and insights may not come instantly. Perhaps days or weeks later you can have an "Aha!" moment. Be mindful and patient.

Also, I would like you to try the Emotional Freedom Technique - EFT. Do an internet search to find it. It's fairly easy to learn. Many people report good results by using it to get a handle on fear and other strong emotions.

So try those two things: continued work with fear, and EFT.

Let me know how it's going for you. We can try other ways if need be.

Warm wishes,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

So try those two things: continued work with fear, and EFT.

Let me know how it's going for you. We can try other ways if need be.

- thank you for the advice. Yes, I've tried the EFT technique and it helps to some extent. Also the other exercise helps to some extent. However, from my experience so far I can tell that it might take a while before all this fear accumulated for years can disappear. I'm not sure though if it has to disappear in order to see through the illusion of self. It is unusually intense though, even for simple things like making a phone call. The good news is I keep feeling this pleasant energy moving through and around my body accompanied by a feeling of being empty, I keep perceiving things and people throughout the day as part of "me" more often, and this body as doing its own thing. I will do the two exercises more often.

Best Wishes,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

Petar said:
...from my experience so far I can tell that it might take a while before all this fear accumulated for years can disappear.

Yes, that could be so. Are you content with that? Are you ok with staying in fear for years to come?

I'm not sure though if it (fear) has to disappear in order to see through the illusion of self.

Yes, this may be so as well. There are those that walk into the perceived "Lions Den" despite being fearful. Those people usually have reached the point where they're over the waiting. And most find there was no Lion in the Den at all.

It's something to "feel into", not to "think about".

Best,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

Yes, that could be so. Are you content with that? Are you ok with staying in fear for years to come?

- I'm "ok" with facing fear for years to come, because I know that there's no other way, and because every time you get over it, it weakens. Yet I don't need to wait until it dissolves so I can start living. They key is to remain as intensely focused on the present as possible throughout the day, even when faced with fear. This moment is already complete and no "future" moment can be better or worse. It can be challenging to remain there when everybody else is dragging you into the story of "yourself, the past, and the future".

Yes, this may be so as well. There are those that walk into the perceived "Lions Den" despite being fearful. Those people usually have reached the point where they're over the waiting. And most find there was no Lion in the Den at all.

It's something to "feel into", not to "think about".

- "feel into it" - from my experience so far I think the right approach to that is to be as intensely present as possible, take focus away from any thoughts about the self, and then unusual things happen - you notice and recognize things you had overlooked before. The world starts looking fresh and more beautiful. Simple things like a wall or a stone can emanate mystery and wonder. It can be quite exhausting but it's still better than relying on thinking.

I will keep being as intensely present as possible throughout the day and see where it takes me.

Love,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

I will keep being as intensely present as possible throughout the day and see where it takes me.

That is a lovely way to be, whether seeking or not.

Let's allow more unfolding to take place. Keep a written journal of your experiences and feelings.

Please check in on Monday.

Love,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

I hope you're doing well. It has bee a turbulent few days here.

Let's allow more unfolding to take place. Keep a written journal of your experiences and feelings.

I kept a journal as you told me. Here is the summary (apologies if it is too long :/):

At first, there was this really obsessive fear about the self diminishing in appearance too quickly, and I tried to be as present as possible and not slip into fearful thoughts. However, the fear was SO stubborn and persisting that I decided it might be a good idea to let thoughts flow freely and do my best to observe them while they're streaming. This led to a lot of suffering and deepening of the illusion of being a person with a story. Then I decided to just stop allowing thoughts to be and get out of the mind completely. I started repeating and noticing that nothing in the mind is real - past, future, the self-image. This was quite helpful in calming me down. Then, for half a day as I was travelling to the Netherlands, this fear about the self's projected diminishing appearance became really intense again, and I did my best to keep focusing on what is real and not think about anything. It was a very very difficult task that sucked up my energy completely. I just couldn't allow thoughts to arise freely, because they were really painful and I knew from recent experience that they just drag you deep into the story again.

The next half a day, there was some time with a quieting down of the mind, everything became very pretty, and there was some sense of loss of identity, which wasn’t full but I tried to facilitate it as much as possible. Today, ever since the morning, I have been focusing on what is real, and dismissing any imaginary reality. This has been very helpful. The world was beautiful and everything emanated “awareness” very often. Also, it very often looked like the body was not someone, but actions were happening. Every time there is a fearful thought about Peter, it is dismissed by the thought “it’s not real”, and doing the best to focus on what is real now, in DE. The mind is seen as not being helpful at all. The only thing left is to just experience things directly, without any labeling. Hopefully this will make things more clear with time. I don’t want to rely on any thoughts anymore, even inquiry can cause negativity, because it can create the illusion that someone is asking a question and someone is looking for an answer. This state of no identity feels kind of fragile still. It feels like it’s very easy to get lost in the story again, there seem to be many traps. The only refuge is out of the mind, focusing on what is real. The story is seen as threatening. It made me cry just now when I thought about how awful and stubborn the story has been, how difficult to awake from.

Love,
Peter

[Dennis90405]

Hi Peter,

It has been a turbulent few days here.

It may be wise to let things calm down for a bit, and place your awareness in ordinary day to day matters.

If fear and other strong emotions surge in you, use the EFT method. And return to basic raw sensations to ground you - bare feet on the grass, breath in and out, wind on your face, the blue of the sky, etc.


Check back in a few days.


With love,
Dennis

[Petar]

Hi Dennis,

It may be wise to let things calm down for a bit, and place your awareness in ordinary day to day matters.

- thanks for the advice. It's calmer now, much better than before. I'll check in in a few days.

Love,
Peter