Looking for a long time and quite confused.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Cool - nice to hear from you. :) laters...

/John

[SomeOne]

Hey,

You have the capacity/ability to make notions be - for all practical purposes - undeniably true.
Thus far, you have done so unconsciously, and often with negative notions.
Can you imagine unconsciously taking the notion that you are inherently full of natural goodness as undeniably true. :) - hey, do it for 15 minutes. Make it undeniably true and go have coffee. :D

I just tried this. It somehow worked, but only for a couple of minutes. The 'imagine' and 'unconsciously' parts were quite important, and the idea seemed to really be true. I wasn't really able to pull this off though, it again felt like this was 'going to get me somewhere' if I did it right, and that seemed to put pressure on which made it harder to do.

Sometimes, the elation comes from seeing: OMG, I hold the key, I am the one calling me bad, I can stop. I got the POWER. :) And then you can sing that annoying song. lol

Oh yeah, that sounds like it makes a lot of sense. Still, it felt 'wrong' while it was going on, like I was only deluding myself into it, and it wasn't really true yet.

But that would be way too easy, so there would need to be more pain before that happened. Much more pain and unhappiness. :)

I think I have been encountering this. Like, putting it behind a goal which I can achieve by 'dealing' with more stuff.

Yes, good noticing. You know, sometimes, these old notions have something to offer us, some gift of knowledge about ourselves, and sometimes, they are just old notions that are clinging on, like an old cobweb yet to be dusted. Often, you get a sense of whether there is something of value here for you, or whether to acknowledge it, and close that chapter. We really don't have to carry on holding perceptions one day more than we need to. Life's too short for that. :)

I'm often never really sure which of those two some feeling/notion belongs into, but sometimes it feels like I can see that it's something old that can be acknowledged and closed. Don't really have a feeling for it.

Yeah, it'll unfold the more you play with it. But to keep it simple:

Bob has realised that for years he saw himself as bad.
He sees that this has had a big impact on his life and relationships.
He looks at the huge cost of holding this notion as true.
Bob is sad about this, and not a little angry.
But still, it is what it is.

Bob has for years felt the victim of 'being bad'.
As if someone in authority had placed this label on him, and it had stuck.
But if he is really honest, he sees that HE is the one that keeps the story going.
Looking deeply at it, he sees that bizarrely, he has benefited from 'being bad'.
It has enabled him to avoid situations and possibilities.

But seeing that HE is the one labelling himself as 'bad' - he cannot unsee that.
He has the power to continue, or stop, and open to other possibilities.

Explore.

Those seem to be two different "Bob"s to me, and I feel like I can understand both of them. I'm being a little bit afraid of being the first one, because it feels like he can't change this notion about himself being bad. I feel afraid of not being the second one, as I feel like I almost don't have the 'drive'/will to go beyond the notion of myself being bad, due to being afraid of it. It feels like I have lost a little bit of 'touch' with this 'being bad'-feeling over the last couple of days. At the same time, I feel afraid of seeing this fact, because it feels like if I see it, I lose this 'hope' and any chance of getting over it (the 'feeling bad'-thing).

There is more that happened, I don't know how much of this is useful to share, but here goes:

There have been two times where I was asking myself a question, e.g., "can I really do this?" and when an answer came, like "yes", I was completely perplexed. I didn't understand where this answer came from, and that made it seem to be irrelevant/I had no reason to believe/think about that answer. Funnily enough this throws a new light on questions such as "can I really do this?", I can't really describe the feeling well, but it's one of fun and ease of being, as the question seems to have lost its pull on me and its relevance, too.

Over the last few days, I had two more big "releases", where I was able to honestly look at stuff that I was afraid of/thinking about myself and so on. At some point, when I was wondering "this all doesn't help me to get out", I remembered that the goal wasn't to 'get out', but to get 'deeper into it', to look & discover what's there. That also felt like it took a burden off of me.

A couple of times, I felt tired (and looking deeper, afraid) that the same things/feelings/problems are coming up again and again, and I have to 'deal' with them again and again, and can't really seem to be able to do it. Them coming up again and again makes me have to face the perception that I am 'good at this' as untrue, and that's something I'm really afraid of, for some reason. Guess I don't really want to see it, what I think myself to be/feel like.

In the same way, I noticed that I was feeling ashamed/embarrassed about not "learning this good enough", that I wasn't getting all of this well enough. This feeling is still there, but it has become a much lighter feeling after I was able to look at it and admit it to myself.

There is some other stuff in my life that is *still* sticking around, and it feels like I understood a bit more about what I am doing/what I'm feeling, e.g., what it is that makes me do/feel like I do. But this stuff is still not getting cleared up, and that is getting annoying to me. More fear that I can't deal with this and will be 'not good enough' at some point.

I noticed that I didn't want to write all of these things, as I was afraid of all of it being too much/irrelevant, and, looking deeper and, that I was afraid of being a burden/annoying with all of this stuff. At the same time, I didn't want to *not* write this stuff, because I was clinging to it(?) or maybe because it felt like this would 'get me somewhere'.

There is so much to look into about myself, that I don't really know how to proceed. It feels like even that comes down to a simple fear that I am hiding, and I am trying really hard to get away from it, by looking everything that I possibly can.

A couple of times, not many, I would notice me talking to myself, but in a really positive and helpful way, I would be kind of "loving myself", and allowing myself to do/feel things, or be "proud" of me or something. Haven't felt that kind of 'self-talk' before in my life.

Finally, as I shortly mentioned in my last post, all of this stuff and everything about "me" that I feel/think about has somewhat been feeling much more "unpersonal" in the last time. Like, it's just happening, like water is flowing or something. Not much doing/achieving, like those are just ideas to escape from something. But I'm not 100% sure what I really want to say here.

Again, thanks a lot for listening to me! As I said I don't really know what of this is useful, or really what to look into next. Also thanks for asking what's up, and making sure I stay engaged in this. Thanks, I really appreciate it! :)

Much thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

Over the last few days, I had two more big "releases", where I was able to honestly look at stuff that I was afraid of/thinking about myself and so on. At some point, when I was wondering "this all doesn't help me to get out", I remembered that the goal wasn't to 'get out', but to get 'deeper into it', to look & discover what's there. That also felt like it took a burden off of me.

Yeah, its an approach which is focussed on learning - whatever the topic. And keeping that focus means we end up learning how to learn, because its not obvious how to learn about ourselves. But its the coolest thing to be better and better at discovering how you tick, and at times, why. :)

A couple of times, I felt tired (and looking deeper, afraid) that the same things/feelings/problems are coming up again and again, and I have to 'deal' with them again and again, and can't really seem to be able to do it. Them coming up again and again makes me have to face the perception that I am 'good at this' as untrue, and that's something I'm really afraid of, for some reason. Guess I don't really want to see it, what I think myself to be/feel like.

Great questions. Follow the breadcrumbs back. You might ask, "How am I seeing this such that I think/act/react this way?" - and this will lead you to some perceptions you've likely held for fucking years. (Pardon my french) :)

In the same way, I noticed that I was feeling ashamed/embarrassed about not "learning this good enough", that I wasn't getting all of this well enough. This feeling is still there, but it has become a much lighter feeling after I was able to look at it and admit it to myself.

Good. Shame is a great one to learn about. It's at the root of so much. There's no shame in learning about shame. :) If you're feeling shame, let it come, really show, bring it to the light, see that its really no big deal.

There is some other stuff in my life that is *still* sticking around, and it feels like I understood a bit more about what I am doing/what I'm feeling, e.g., what it is that makes me do/feel like I do. But this stuff is still not getting cleared up, and that is getting annoying to me. More fear that I can't deal with this and will be 'not good enough' at some point.

Step at a time Felix.

I noticed that I didn't want to write all of these things, as I was afraid of all of it being too much/irrelevant, and, looking deeper and, that I was afraid of being a burden/annoying with all of this stuff. At the same time, I didn't want to *not* write this stuff, because I was clinging to it(?) or maybe because it felt like this would 'get me somewhere'.

All good.

There is so much to look into about myself, that I don't really know how to proceed. It feels like even that comes down to a simple fear that I am hiding, and I am trying really hard to get away from it, by looking everything that I possibly can.

Yeah, it's all too much, too big etc, etc. Just another avoidance tactic to notice and smile about. All learning.

We're not solving some massive puzzle here Felix, after which you do these amazing things. Each piece of learning about yourself, is an amazing thing. It opens up possibilities, that may seem small now, but half a degree here, is worth ten miles down the line.

A couple of times, not many, I would notice me talking to myself, but in a really positive and helpful way, I would be kind of "loving myself", and allowing myself to do/feel things, or be "proud" of me or something. Haven't felt that kind of 'self-talk' before in my life.

That's good. In learning about yourself, the relationship to yourself shifts along with it. You're growing in respect for you and your journey, it comes through in small acts of kindness to yourself - a shift of valuing you. Enjoy it! Or else. :D

Finally, as I shortly mentioned in my last post, all of this stuff and everything about "me" that I feel/think about has somewhat been feeling much more "unpersonal" in the last time. Like, it's just happening, like water is flowing or something. Not much doing/achieving, like those are just ideas to escape from something. But I'm not 100% sure what I really want to say here.

Just learn. Is enough for now.

Again, thanks a lot for listening to me! As I said I don't really know what of this is useful, or really what to look into next. Also thanks for asking what's up, and making sure I stay engaged in this. Thanks, I really appreciate it! :)

It's a pleasure Felix. I sense you have great potential being opened up. Really cool.

Continue to learn, to watch patterns of behaviour, judgements, shame etc - no need to solve, but just ponder on it, and ask questions like: Hmmm, I wonder when I started to feel shame? Let's explore that. And go shame hunting. :)

Best wishes,
John

[SomeOne]

Hey John,

just a short update since I'm somewhat tired, and I'm not sure how much time I'll have tomorrow :)

Yeah, its an approach which is focussed on learning - whatever the topic. And keeping that focus means we end up learning how to learn, because its not obvious how to learn about ourselves. But its the coolest thing to be better and better at discovering how you tick, and at times, why. :)

This is a cool aspect, I like it and will keep it in mind, it feels useful to look at it that way. Thanks :)

You might ask, "How am I seeing this such that I think/act/react this way?" - and this will lead you to some perceptions you've likely held for fucking years. (Pardon my french) :)

This feels like a powerful one. So far, it has always opened up some inner feeling when I thought of this sentence/question, but nothing 'really big' so far (or, I just didn't notice, lol). But I'm keeping this in mind as well, I feel like this might be incredibly strong at some point.

Good. Shame is a great one to learn about. It's at the root of so much. There's no shame in learning about shame. :) If you're feeling shame, let it come, really show, bring it to the light, see that its really no big deal.

I thought about shame a bit, and I saw how things can be much more nicer and real if we don't let shame stop us from expressing certain things. Not much more thinking about shame being going on, but there were quite some results :)

Yeah, it's all too much, too big etc, etc. Just another avoidance tactic to notice and smile about. All learning.

We're not solving some massive puzzle here Felix, after which you do these amazing things. Each piece of learning about yourself, is an amazing thing. It opens up possibilities, that may seem small now, but half a degree here, is worth ten miles down the line.

Yeah, I'm slowly seeing it. I had a nice moment where I accepted/was able to see my future as uncertain, without being annoyed by/fighting it, I'll write a bit more about that further down.

Continue to learn, to watch patterns of behaviour, judgements, shame etc - no need to solve, but just ponder on it, and ask questions like: Hmmm, I wonder when I started to feel shame? Let's explore that. And go shame hunting. :)

Will do :) It sounds like a good thread to pull on, I'm focusing on shame whenever I notice it currently, it usually ends with the shame not being so bad after all.

Some more stuff:

At some point, I forced myself to accept that no matter what great "revelation" I had, no matter what happened, in the next moment things wouldn't suddenly be different - all the stuff I would like to change/don't like about my current point in life. Like, it's just physically not happening, I'm not suddenly gonna pop up somewhere else, with a different life, and a different past. Nope, no matter what I do. And, really, it feels like that is what I kind of expected/wanted to happen.
That felt like an enlightening thing, and allowed me to accept much more my current situation - not completely, but it felt like progress.

I noticed that, for a looong time now, I had perceived myself to be 'fighting' against something in this quest to look/learn more. Like, I thought there was something inside myself that I'm fighting against, that I need to overcome to see things, some imagined adversary. Pretty funny to see that.

At one time, when I sat down to 'look into' myself a bit more, I noticed that there always was this feeling/voice coming up that wanted to 'see more' and wanted to 'get somewhere' with all this seeing stuff. I was able to make the really small connection (in retrospect, it feels like this has been going on for quite some while already) that this was just a mechanism that was perceived as being able to 'get me out of what I think myself to be'. Like an 'out' that will get me somewhere else if I reach it. This felt like a really big thing to notice.

But the coolest was when I had to accept that my future is uncertain, and I don't know what is going to happen. When I accepted that, that fact suddenly felt 'ok' inside of me. Like, I wouldn't mind that the future is uncertain. On the contrary, I perceived it as a fun thing to be ready for whatever is going to happen, and to be looking forward to it. It didn't feel threatening anymore, and I experienced a really cool lightness for some time. Eventually, something else came and clouded that clearness up again, but that's ok, can't fight it, there are other things that need attention as well. Still, this felt pretty good, and I'm wondering whether this feeling will stay/show up again in the next time. :)

I noticed that for many things I would think about doing/starting, I would try to make myself not even start it ("it's not gonna work anyway, I'm going to fail anyway, etc."), so that I could avoid failing it. It feels like something about failing is making me afraid, but I didn't look into that at that point.

Ok, so, the post didn't turn out that 'short' after all :) In the beginning I mentioned that I won't have much time tomorrow, and I can't really say how much time I'll have during the next week, as I'll be on a vacation again. But I'll try to make some time to share (important or regular) progress, but really no idea currently if that is going to work, and, whether I'll even have a stable internet connection. We'll see I guess :) Also, the two weeks after that I'll be on a "business-trip", so probably won't have much time either, but we'll see again (I should at least have internet most of the time). Just letting you know.

Also, I thought that you might have some long-term 'task' for me for that time that would make sense, but otherwise I'll go with more exploring, watching behavior, and more looking in general :)

Thanks again! I'm happy to hear that you see potential for being opened up in me, currently I can't really see all of that yet, but it's nice to hear, so thank you :)

Many thanks & best wishes too,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Felix,

Good work!

Ok, put this on a loop for a while.

WHAT AM I TAKING/PRE-SUPPOSING/ASSUMING AS TRUE, SUCH THAT I THINK/ACT THIS WAY?

If you do notice some assumptions, then you might wonder:

WHAT MIGHT MY MOTIVES BE, IN ASSUMING THAT TO BE TRUE?

Namely, what do you get out of it, usually, what is being avoided, side-stepped, denied.

Keep it light, keep it about learning not judging, and catch you when you're back.

With best wishes,
John

[SomeOne]

Hey John,

thank you for your post :) Here's my progress over the last ~week; it's been quite a ride for me!

There were two really big things/insights I had. The first one was when I looked at a thought that was popping up, and basically realized that this story, the 26-year old "Felix", _can't_ be the thing producing thoughts. It just doesn't fit, one is just an abstract notion, "Felix", the other things are _real_ thoughts, that actually exist. They are obviously *not* produced by Felix. I think a little bit before that the notion of "age" as part of the story began looking strange to me. Like, what is it that's aging? Conscious always feels the same, it's just a funny part of the story, this "age". Obviously there is a body which has aged for some time now, but that's something different from the Felix that is supposed to be thinking.

This opened up a lot of stuff. It made me understand that obviously I am *not* Felix. That's just a story that began after my birth, at some point. In the end, all being is nameless and unowned.This happened a few days ago, and it keeps coming up again and again, but also feels like it's fading somehow, or it's just me clinging to it for some reason. So it doesn't feel like the 'full realization' yet, but it was definitely one of the strongest realizations so far. There is just much more to being human than the idea of a person living our life. Life as a human is a really mystical/magical thing, and we are born this way. In between, I also noticed that it is much more easy to explore things about ourselves when I am not that attached to this self anymore. Like, it's exploration of something unknown that's already there, instead of something very personal (which it still is, I can't really articulate this very well).

That was the first big thing. The second one was more thinking about death and our impermanence. I started thinking again about how all the things we experience are going to end at some point. Looking at people I was thinking that they, too, were going to die at some point, but we live our life in ignorance of this fact. Like, we grow up not really understanding that we are going to die, or just not the full extent of what that means.

Looking at death further, and to a certain extent accepting it, I realized that the impermanence of all things also means that everything that we feel/experience is really something holy. Every feeling, every fear, every part of ourselves we are afraid of/don't like is actually something very holy. It's not something to be denied, but it's a really holy and true part of our lives, and a great thing, nothing to run away from. We should love ourselves more, because there really is no reason not to. This has also faded to a certain extent, but it's a strong thing I recall when exploring some emotions inside of me, because it allows me to explore them much more easily, it seems to bring a lot of acceptance with it.

WHAT AM I TAKING/PRE-SUPPOSING/ASSUMING AS TRUE, SUCH THAT I THINK/ACT THIS WAY?

If you do notice some assumptions, then you might wonder:

WHAT MIGHT MY MOTIVES BE, IN ASSUMING THAT TO BE TRUE?

Namely, what do you get out of it, usually, what is being avoided, side-stepped, denied.

I actually saw this quite soon after you posted it, I think, but there was a lot of other stuff going on and I didn't make much progress on this. Also, when I tried to do apply this to some thought it always felt too complex to formulate a clear answer.
But there was one moment where I looked at my perception of the current moment, and saw that it was being deemed as "not good enough". Upon seeing that, I asked myself "who made this judgement?", and noticed that it was, of course, *me* judging that, because WHO ELSE COULD IT BE?? Obviously I was doing that to myself! I then wondered what I gained from doing this, but something else came up and I didn't look any further. This "I am choosing things"/"It seems that I get something from the judgements/thoughts I create about myself/situations" seems interesting/promising at the moment. Though, where am I even going, who knows :)

"Keeping it light" actually made a comeback, and it helped me to look at some things instead of trying to get them to go away. That felt more approachable than the "what am I taking as true"-bit. But that also feels very promising, it feels like I need a little time and need to dig a little deeper to find something there, but it still feels really useful.

Okay, that's it from me so far. Thanks a lot again! By now I somehow can't deny that I've been making progress, I have looked into so much stuff. Still, it feels like I want to 'get' somewhere, like I am trying to collect such "realization moments" until I have enough so that they can "save" me then. One step at a time, right now is the only point I have power, and I hold the power to look into things and to make progress.

Much thanks and best wishes,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

There were two really big things/insights I had. The first one was when I looked at a thought that was popping up, and basically realized that this story, the 26-year old "Felix", _can't_ be the thing producing thoughts. It just doesn't fit, one is just an abstract notion, "Felix", the other things are _real_ thoughts, that actually exist. They are obviously *not* produced by Felix. I think a little bit before that the notion of "age" as part of the story began looking strange to me. Like, what is it that's aging? Conscious always feels the same, it's just a funny part of the story, this "age". Obviously there is a body which has aged for some time now, but that's something different from the Felix that is supposed to be thinking.

That's good inquiry - getting straight to the heart of the matter.
Doors open when you knock on them.

This opened up a lot of stuff. It made me understand that obviously I am *not* Felix. That's just a story that began after my birth, at some point. In the end, all being is nameless and unowned.This happened a few days ago, and it keeps coming up again and again, but also feels like it's fading somehow, or it's just me clinging to it for some reason. So it doesn't feel like the 'full realization' yet, but it was definitely one of the strongest realizations so far. There is just much more to being human than the idea of a person living our life.

Good. Another thread in this inquiry - With 'being Felix' as a perception/story, and given last time you looked, you weren't a story - then, without a story of 'being Felix', what remains.

- Ask the question without needing to know, but knowing that knowing may come anyway.

Life as a human is a really mystical/magical thing, and we are born this way. In between, I also noticed that it is much more easy to explore things about ourselves when I am not that attached to this self anymore. Like, it's exploration of something unknown that's already there, instead of something very personal (which it still is, I can't really articulate this very well).

"something unknown that's already there" is pretty good articulation. :)

That was the first big thing. The second one was more thinking about death and our impermanence. I started thinking again about how all the things we experience are going to end at some point. Looking at people I was thinking that they, too, were going to die at some point, but we live our life in ignorance of this fact. Like, we grow up not really understanding that we are going to die, or just not the full extent of what that means.

Isn't each moment a death?

Looking at death further, and to a certain extent accepting it, I realized that the impermanence of all things also means that everything that we feel/experience is really something holy. Every feeling, every fear, every part of ourselves we are afraid of/don't like is actually something very holy.

Indeed!

It's not something to be denied, but it's a really holy and true part of our lives, and a great thing, nothing to run away from. We should love ourselves more, because there really is no reason not to. This has also faded to a certain extent, but it's a strong thing I recall when exploring some emotions inside of me, because it allows me to explore them much more easily, it seems to bring a lot of acceptance with it.

It's good - sometimes, we hold the space tighter, contained; sometimes looser, open.

WHAT AM I TAKING/PRE-SUPPOSING/ASSUMING AS TRUE, SUCH THAT I THINK/ACT THIS WAY?

If you do notice some assumptions, then you might wonder:

WHAT MIGHT MY MOTIVES BE, IN ASSUMING THAT TO BE TRUE?

Namely, what do you get out of it, usually, what is being avoided, side-stepped, denied.

I actually saw this quite soon after you posted it, I think, but there was a lot of other stuff going on and I didn't make much progress on this. Also, when I tried to do apply this to some thought it always felt too complex to formulate a clear answer.

It's ok not to seek a clear answer, just inquiry for its own sake, to see what happens. :)
Inquiry is an adventure - a question can throw you into the unknown without a map.

But there was one moment where I looked at my perception of the current moment, and saw that it was being deemed as "not good enough". Upon seeing that, I asked myself "who made this judgement?", and noticed that it was, of course, *me* judging that, because WHO ELSE COULD IT BE?? Obviously I was doing that to myself! I then wondered what I gained from doing this, but something else came up and I didn't look any further. This "I am choosing things"/"It seems that I get something from the judgements/thoughts I create about myself/situations" seems interesting/promising at the moment. Though, where am I even going, who knows :)

Yes! in the words of Radiohead :) "You do it to yourself you do. That's what really hurts."

MUSICAL INTERLUDE :D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls

"Keeping it light" actually made a comeback, and it helped me to look at some things instead of trying to get them to go away. That felt more approachable than the "what am I taking as true"-bit. But that also feels very promising, it feels like I need a little time and need to dig a little deeper to find something there, but it still feels really useful.

Follow where the questions take you.

If 'being Felix' is an old story, and you smile, do you need to know 'WHO' is smiling?

Okay, that's it from me so far. Thanks a lot again! By now I somehow can't deny that I've been making progress, I have looked into so much stuff. Still, it feels like I want to 'get' somewhere, like I am trying to collect such "realization moments" until I have enough so that they can "save" me then. One step at a time, right now is the only point I have power, and I hold the power to look into things and to make progress.

It's ok to want to get somewhere. At some point, you'll see there is nowhere to get to, and the desire to get somewhere will drop away as if it never was.

The power to inquire, the willingness to be open, to meet perceptions directly, the enjoyment of the journey, of learning - you have it all.

Great work, walk on!

best wishes,
John

[SomeOne]

Hey John,

back from my trip. Thanks for your post!

Good. Another thread in this inquiry - With 'being Felix' as a perception/story, and given last time you looked, you weren't a story - then, without a story of 'being Felix', what remains.

- Ask the question without needing to know, but knowing that knowing may come anyway.

Somehow, not much remains. But nothing more really comes up.

It's good - sometimes, we hold the space tighter, contained; sometimes looser, open.

Thanks. I think I'm trying to recreate such 'liberating' experiences to make sure the stuff is still there, because I feel like if I accumulate enough it will get me somewhere.

It's ok not to seek a clear answer, just inquiry for its own sake, to see what happens. :)
Inquiry is an adventure - a question can throw you into the unknown without a map.

Thanks! This was pretty cool.

Yes! in the words of Radiohead :) "You do it to yourself you do. That's what really hurts."

MUSICAL INTERLUDE :D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls

Cool song! Really made the message more clear to me, I feel. Also, nice music :)

Follow where the questions take you.

If 'being Felix' is an old story, and you smile, do you need to know 'WHO' is smiling?

I pondered on this, but it hasn't really led me anywhere. Like, I couldn't get a good answer from this, and it didn't cause a realization or something similar.

It's ok to want to get somewhere. At some point, you'll see there is nowhere to get to, and the desire to get somewhere will drop away as if it never was.

I'm looking forward to that! ... and that's pretty ironic :)


It feels like not much happened during the last ~week, but I think there was a lot going on, I simply don't remember all of it. However, there are some things that are still around.

The first - and biggest - was when I looked at sight, in the sense of visual perception. I looked at the experience, and the notion of "me" seeing something. Then I remembered the phrase that "'I' is an unchecked assumption", and then I realized that the "I" in "I am seeing something" is just there as an "unchecked assumption", because it seems so obvious to us that there is someone seeing something. From that I also realized that there isn't really a "me" seeing something. This feeling/understanding somehow comes and goes, and I regularly try to 'realize' it again to make sure it's still there - pretty much like I've mentioned before.

One other small thing was when I wondered what experiencing awareness was like for other people. That's somehow a fun thing to do, and it puts focus on the 'experiencer', or at least where they should be.

Currently I'm sometimes feeling confused by the fact that I feel like I notice quite often how there is an 'I' in thoughts that doesn't really refer to anything, or there's no 'I' seeing anything, but it's not the 'full realization' yet. This confusion might be there because I don't want to accept that I am not 'there yet', despite all the stuff I think I'm realizing. Also I notice that after a thought containing an "I" occurring the 'me realizing that' is then just another thought happening.

Quite a few times when I noticed myself feeling bad or something, I realized that it's something I'm doing to myself. I don't always find the reason for why I'm doing it, but the realization is something that "cannot be unseen", as you've put it before, and that seems to cause a little bit of disattachment each time.

Also, sometimes it's feeling really strange to me how the outside 'Felix' is acting and going through live just like normal, but the 'inner' version is full of thoughts and looking and all this stuff. It's somehow a little strange.

That's it for now. I'm back now though, so I'll have time to focus on this much more and regularly again. Thanks again!

Best wishes,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hey Felix,

Thank you for your reply.

Felix, I wanted to let you know that I'm bringing my guiding to a close here, and so sadly, won't be able to continue our conversation, which I hope has been useful. I've enjoyed your company and thank you for your care, energy and attention!

If you would like me to request another guide, I'm happy to do so.

I want to wish you well on your journey!

With much love,
John

[SomeOne]

Hey John,

thank you for letting me know! Also, thank you for offering to request another guide for me, I really want to see this through, so if possible, please do request another guide. Thank you!

Your guidance has been nothing short of amazing for me, and has allowed me to look at so much stuff I had buried before. I want to thank you, too, for all the time and energy you invested into our conversation, it has meant a lot to me. Thank you so much!

Wherever you go, I wish you the best on your further journey!

Much love & best wishes,
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hi Felix
I'm Sarah and John has asked me to take over your thread. I hope that's ok.
I'm going to skip through your conversation and I'll be back shortly! So please keep an eye out ;)
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Sarah7]

Hey!
I'm back. So can you please sum up what you have looked at with John and where you think you are now. I have read but I want it from your perspective! Ok.
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hi Sarah,

thank you for taking over and digging through all that!

I'm back. So can you please sum up what you have looked at with John and where you think you are now.

I looked at a few different things. A major thing were all the things I tried to not see, basically hidden perceptions about myself that I'm carrying around, which I was/am trying to avoid. Another thing was where I experience 'me', what it looks/feels like, whether it's there when I move, when decisions are made, etc. Obviously, a lot of exploring 'no-self' was also there.

Regarding where I am right now, I would say I am at a point at which I have been able to face a lot of the subconscious perceptions about myself, and was able to let go of a lot of underlying fear about things. But there is still like a big 'lump' of it remaining, which kind of feels like the 'core' of things.

At the same time, I feel like I have made a lot of progress on the 'no-self' front. The biggest one is that when I look at things, I understand that there is no *me* seeing anything. Yellow color? No 'me' seeing that, no 'me' that came into live as an individual person, is alive right now, and will die at some point. For the last few days (or more) it also feels like it has been jumping me in the face all the time, that there is no 'me' experiencing things at all, not only sight. But that feels much less clear, especially regarding thought. It also feels like I am avoiding seeing it, because I feel that it won't change things that I want to change/don't want to face. At the same time, I think that thinking "I'm very close" is again a very similar tactic of myself to avoid looking at stuff I don't want to face, and it might take much longer than what I think, and I might not be 'close' at all.

This is basically where I see myself currently. It feels like there was a lot more going on the last few days that I could write about, but as I'm sitting here and actually writing things down, much less comes up again.

Thank you again and best wishes!
Felix

[Sarah7]

Hey Felix
Thanks for that.

A major thing were all the things I tried to not see, basically hidden perceptions about myself that I'm carrying around, which I was/am trying to avoid.

Do you avoid on purpose?

Regarding where I am right now, I would say I am at a point at which I have been able to face a lot of the subconscious perceptions about myself, and was able to let go of a lot of underlying fear about things. But there is still like a big 'lump' of it remaining, which kind of feels like the 'core' of things.

Onion peeling Felix! Layer by layer. :) Please let me know if fear or any other strong emotion comes up again ok.

For the last few days (or more) it also feels like it has been jumping me in the face all the time, that there is no 'me' experiencing things at all, not only sight. But that feels much less clear, especially regarding thought. It also feels like I am avoiding seeing it, because I feel that it won't change things that I want to change/don't want to face. At the same time, I think that thinking "I'm very close" is again a very similar tactic of myself to avoid looking at stuff I don't want to face, and it might take much longer than what I think, and I might not be 'close' at all.

What in your direct experience is permanent? Anything? Or does everything seem to come and go, rise and fall, ebb and flow?

So we are going to start having a little look at thought.
Do you intentionally bring any of these thoughts? Or do they come and go on their own? If you do bring them from where and
how?
Can you send them away, stop them or get rid? Can you suppress your next thought before it arises? Does it work?
Do you know what you're going to think before you think it? Sit quietly for a moment and try to predict your next thought. Does it work?
Hugs Sarah xxx

[SomeOne]

Hey Sarah,

Thank you! My weekend was super busy, but I read your message a few times over the last days, and "thought watching" was quite insightful!

Do you avoid on purpose?

I don't get why, but this has quite a "releasing" effect on me. Maybe because it takes the blame off of me for avoiding stuff? But just guessing here. Thank you!

Onion peeling Felix! Layer by layer. :) Please let me know if fear or any other strong emotion comes up again ok.

Will do.

What in your direct experience is permanent? Anything? Or does everything seem to come and go, rise and fall, ebb and flow?

The most permanent thing I would say is a feeling in my body. But I looked out for this coming/going and ebb/flow, and it feels like this describes well the shift of attention that happens constantly. One second, I am more "in thoughts", the next second, the feeling in my body is the most prominent thing again. The next instant, another thought appears, and then typing on this keyboard happens.

So we are going to start having a little look at thought.
Do you intentionally bring any of these thoughts? Or do they come and go on their own? If you do bring them from where and
how?

No, I don't bring them, they just come and go, very coupled with the constant shifting of attention that happens, thoughts are part of that flow. As I said, over the last few days I regularly looked at where thoughts come from - and noticed that they come from nowhere. And each time, especially when the thought contained some "I", there was relief afterwards, as the "self" was seen through, maybe? I also noticed that the looking at where the thought came from happened by itself, and wasn't planned or anything. So both sides of the coin (thoughts that talk about "me" and looking at it) come from the same place, from the same flow.

Can you send them away, stop them or get rid? Can you suppress your next thought before it arises? Does it work?

No, I can't. After thinking "Can I suppress my next thought?" I just looked at where that thought came from, and noticed how futile an action that would be, because there is nobody there to do the suppressing. There is nothing there that can stop/get rid of thoughts.

Do you know what you're going to think before you think it? Sit quietly for a moment and try to predict your next thought. Does it work?

There is only thought. How would predicting a thought look like? It would have to be another thought, and that won't work.

Thank you for all of these, they felt very insightful.

There were a few more things that occurred to me.

On Friday morning, right after waking up, I had a real intense experience where I was 99% sure I got this. It's funny, at that time there was a deep realization that life is just a flow of experiences, without a self. But there was some doubt left in me, and over the day the feeling faded. Actually, it's been like this before, where I had a really clear moment right after waking up. Maybe it's because thoughts are more "quiet" then?

I noticed how things go from e.g. a feeling to the corresponding reaction (or thought) without a step in between the two. In the same way, decisions just happen.

It feels like "I" am the one all of this is happening to, who is seeing/realizing/"learning" about this. Like all of this is something I'm doing to get somewhere/get rid of something I'm fearing.

It also feels like there isn't necessary "looking" going on, just the same stream of experiences/flow of attention is happening all the time.

Thank you so much! :)

Felix