Trackless Bird

[Periwinkle]

Hi John,

I've been consumed by work the past couple days, which makes the non-existent Skye very existent, and makes our conversation seem foreign. Very odd to watch. Things should calm down later this week. Just wanted to let you know why I haven't been posting.

Thanks,
Skye

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi John,

I've been consumed by work the past couple days, which makes the non-existent Skye very existent, and makes our conversation seem foreign. Very odd to watch. Things should calm down later this week. Just wanted to let you know why I haven't been posting.

Thanks,
Skye

No worries. Observing actions, observing thoughts is all good grist for the mill.

[Periwinkle]

Hi John,

After a few days of extreme busy-ness at work, filled with panicked clients and co-workers, and me having to perform my job perfectly at a very intense level, I've been coming home and not thinking about this inquiry.

Instead, I walk the dog and cook and watch YT videos about people who have sold their house and possessions and have become a nomad. (I suppose that in doing this, I'm breaking the spirit of the LU rule to not engage with other teachers/teachings!)

I'm fantasizing about packing up my family and living in a tiny house trailer and traveling the US. I feel trapped by having to maintain a certain level of income (via a painful job) to support our relatively high standard of living, and so looking for a physical method to escape (travel).

I realize that this, like every other activity that has ever really gotten my attention, is the drive for freedom. But what I'm finding is that this fantasy of travel is pushing my inquiry aside. I've had to go back and read our conversation thread to get into the head-space of inquiry, but I'm finding that the desire I had for inquiry has subsided.

You've probably dealt with this before. Any exercises I can employ to look at this or fan the flame?

Thanks.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Skye,

You've probably dealt with this before. Any exercises I can employ to look at this or fan the flame?

I really appreciate your honesty. Unfortunately the fan can't be fanned. It's either burning, or its not.

Wish you well with the 'money trap' dilemma. It could be worse, you could be starving.

Should you wish to continue at some point, we can pick it up from there.

With best wishes for your journey!
John

[s-p-a-c-e]

Correction:

I really appreciate your honesty. Unfortunately the flame can't be fanned. It's either burning, or its not.

[Periwinkle]

Should you wish to continue at some point, we can pick it up from there.

Thanks, John. I'm certain that once this current fire is put out I'll have the mental space to look at this once more. And thanks for the offer to pick it up with me again. I so appreciate your time and thoughtful guidance.

Love,

Skye

[s-p-a-c-e]

Should you wish to continue at some point, we can pick it up from there.

Thanks, John. I'm certain that once this current fire is put out I'll have the mental space to look at this once more. And thanks for the offer to pick it up with me again. I so appreciate your time and thoughtful guidance.

Love,

Skye

Its been a pleasure.
Enjoy the adventure.

/john

[Periwinkle]

Hi John,

Well, that didn't take long. It's a pattern for me, to experience significant pain and react by thinking that I can play God and rearrange life to fix it. It's been good to notice it so clearly this time.

I'm back in the saddle. Can we continue?

Thank you,
Skye

[s-p-a-c-e]

Well, that didn't take long. It's a pattern for me, to experience significant pain and react by thinking that I can play God and rearrange life to fix it. It's been good to notice it so clearly this time.

I'm back in the saddle. Can we continue?

We each come to this kind of work within a frame of motives - often unknown to us.
Such motives are the emotional context in which inquiry happens, and each step is assessed with respect to the motives.
For example, if the motive is to 'fix me', or 'fix me to then fix it for others', it gets in the way of inquiry.
Inquiry is challenging perceptions. If we take certain perceptions as special, off limits, we are stuck.
We want to see on our own terms - and that demand makes this kind of work pointless.

So, you must see for yourself, whether you are willing to challenge perceptions, to burn your most precious perceptions, to see what can be seen, un-distorted by crude conditioned perceptions.

Look forward to your response.

Best wishes,
John

[Periwinkle]

So, you must see for yourself, whether you are willing to challenge perceptions, to burn your most precious perceptions, to see what can be seen, un-distorted by crude conditioned perceptions.

My motive is relief from the me that can never be happy, is never satisfied, will never have what it wants, that judges self and others mercilessly, that is exhausting to be. But I know that on some level, I still want relief from me, as me.

And, yes, I'm willing to challenge that, and all perceptions. If there is an alternative, I don't know what it is.

Thank you.

[s-p-a-c-e]

My motive is relief from the me that can never be happy, is never satisfied, will never have what it wants, that judges self and others mercilessly, that is exhausting to be. But I know that on some level, I still want relief from me, as me.

Ok, this me that is never happy - throw open your arms and let it make itself fully known, in whatever way that is.

In what way, is its presence known?

Many thanks!
John

[Periwinkle]

Ok, this me that is never happy - throw open your arms and let it make itself fully known, in whatever way that is.

In what way, is its presence known?

The thing that comes up first is how scheming it is, always trying to stay ahead of the game, trying to anticipate threats in order to devise plans to avoid them.

It makes itself known in a preoccupation with getting its way, and with how it appears to others and to itself.

Worry is another manifestation - worry about how it will deal with all the perceived threats once they arrive - threats to money, health, security, etc.

It is always on guard, hyper-vigilant to protect its turf. It views people as objects that are either of benefit or detriment to its well being. Always looking for the advantage.

I sound like a horrible person, but I think that I’m usually viewed as a thoughtful and kind person by others, which in turn makes me feel like a phony. A pride/shame cycle, that again, is exhausting, and never lets up.

Strange that so much energy is expended to maintain and protect this me.

[s-p-a-c-e]

The thing that comes up first is how scheming it is, always trying to stay ahead of the game, trying to anticipate threats in order to devise plans to avoid them.

It makes itself known in a preoccupation with getting its way, and with how it appears to others and to itself.

Worry is another manifestation - worry about how it will deal with all the perceived threats once they arrive - threats to money, health, security, etc.

It is always on guard, hyper-vigilant to protect its turf. It views people as objects that are either of benefit or detriment to its well being. Always looking for the advantage.

I sound like a horrible person, but I think that I’m usually viewed as a thoughtful and kind person by others, which in turn makes me feel like a phony. A pride/shame cycle, that again, is exhausting, and never lets up.

Strange that so much energy is expended to maintain and protect this me.

Good work.

Ok, I want you go inside and discover how me is present in you.
How does me show up in you?

Do your best.

Many thanks!
John

[Periwinkle]

Ok, I want you go inside and discover how me is present in you.
How does me show up in you?

When I look for me in me, there’s nothing there. Something which was a minute ago so powerfully on, active and invincible - I can’t even get a whiff of. This source of such agony - a phantom. Not a scrap of anything to hold on to.

I'm back to where we were earlier - it can then only be a mental state or thought, whipped up into a seemingly solid form by virtue of its activity, and the results of those actions. I do or think things, and the seeming evidence of me are the things that get done, but the moment I look, I can’t find the doer.

However, it seems that something is doing these mental exercises, is looking for this phantom me, is coming up with these conclusions. There is a mental activity that functions, that is directed here and there by something that is doing the looking. This is where it gets tricky - how can I say that there is no me, when you asked me to look, and something is responding to that request, and is looking?

[s-p-a-c-e]

When I look for me in me, there’s nothing there.

And what do you look for, when you look for a me?