thank you very much for your post.
may be we can reduce the amount of "sub-threads" inside the discussion.
Ok, let's do it :)
Coming back to our process, can you take a look (in Direct Experience, DE) on your brain running in circles? Please, don't ignore the thoughts that appear. What is trying to ignore what?
Is it really your brain or are those thoughts which share the common denominator, the thought of "I"?
by trying to observe it i can say that thoughts appears on its own and my reaction is a life long TRAINING on how to handle situations like this - it happens rather automatically - but there is SOMETHING in there new - my ability to observe it and distance and stop it, so again it projects some entity that is able to control this automatic process and reinforcing I illusion. (i - witness)
Great, is there a separate witness?
The thoughts that appear: " I should be able to learn new skills and find a new well paying and rewarding job and be safe again" are connected with strong sensation in the solar plexus and chest area. Do this sensations make those thoughts appear to be more real? Also, can we look exactly at what is "this thing" that wants to be safe? What is it? Where is it? Can you describe it to me?
but i intellectually feel that i am on a right path and there is no I - we really are in my understanding "androids" with all our feeling and reactions are the unique combination of what environment and society did to us from birth and it keep piling and storing memories in subconscious and creates reaction based on these experiences etc - and it formed our values and beliefs and personalities as a reaction to our experiences but i only theoretically think it and still I wrapping this thinking :( its so frustrating - everything CIRCLES back into I think I do wrap. and its going in circles like my other dialogues.
This exploration is about looking with direct experience (DE) to see through the stories about a ‘me’.
Here's an exercise that I would like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Label each experience simply colour/ image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.
So for example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup, simply= image/colour
Smelling coffee, simply = smell,
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation.
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought.
Just break down all experiences into these categories (which are all direct experience) and report back how you go.
I understand. Can I ask you for one hour don't do anything intentionally and just look and see what is happening. Is it true that nothing happens when you're not in control? Please share with me your observations.Let's look at the resistance to letting go - What would happen if you let go of attempts to control events?
about being in control i think my main problem in letting go is belief that my actions result in outcome and it is being confirmed on a sensory level in form of practicing something.
mental activity, nothing initiates them. on other hands thoughts are coming and going on their own, but they do spark emotions (that do come and go), and these emotions spark reactions and actions and another thoughts. and this chain has illusion like I decided to do it because i identify myself with the secondary reactions and thoughts as I reacted this way.so, let's examine the assumption of existence of someone in your "head,brain,behind your eyes". Does a subject doing things have to exist for things to happen? Does it exist in the DE? If yes, where?
...Or is there just pointing?
Yes, it might be tricky :) but you're on very good way! What claims ownership of the reaction?
What seems to be common in all "levels of abstraction" you're describing is "I want to...". So desire. Does desire have a form? To what is it attached? This attachment you are talking about, what is it?
If I understand well, this "I" that wants to be in control is 5-7 year old girl? Is this girl real? Or is she just a memory of the experience appearing in the form of thought and emotion?this question make me remember a very early childhood memory which somehow got imprinted in my brain where i think my I-feeling got a first real threat - learned about death and being unable to avoid it. i think i was 5-7 years old but i can't say for sure.:) It is understandable, social conditioning is very strong. I already asked you the questions about the control, safety and death. Now you might take a look at the "I", that controls. Can you find it? Examine your life and see, if you are in control. If yes, what do you have control over?
:) Let's take a look at your eyes. Where is the boundary between what is beeing seen and the perceiver?
Yes, but you are talking about processing information here, not about seeing. So, knowing that eyes are not really seeing anything - what is perceiving then?boundary is very fuzzy and i can't really say its the outside of my eyes. because i can see with closed (to some degree) and opened eyes and i understand that eyes are not really seeing anything - they just a light frequency receivers and they send signals to the brian where they are being analyzed and categorized for "understanding" of what you see. when i think about seeing - i still think about eyes even i know brain processes it just because i know that eyes are the ones that makes the images appear to start with. now when i am thinking about seeing boundary it comes back into back of my skull feeling of comprehending.
Love,
Pau
