Hi Nina,
1) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I feel more light, having more energy, probably besause i take things less serious. The center of giving things importance is lost, so they are seen with much more equanimity.
It is not dramatic, a subtle change actually which seems to operate never the less all the time, making things more easy. I seem to feel more also, probably because less attention is given to thinkig. I am generally more spontanous, but not all the time- sometimes still small fears or doubts come up, thoughts like „Is this the right way? Could things become worse like this? should i not be more careful in making decisions?“.
Ilonas Deep Looking helped me, seeing that this is only the mind spinning, but the heart is already quiet.
Emotions triggered in relationships are passing by quicker, there is no holding on to them, because to whom could they be important?
So, its less dramatic than i expected before and in this process, the change is quite subtle, but it goes deep, to the "center" of things and works from there continuesly.
2) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It were two pointers from Xain (thank you very much, Xain!):
I am often very tensed, frustrated, angry or afraid because I still cling strongly to a feeling of me being separate from everything around.
Sure - I understand.
During these times there is no inherent self either.
That made me considering for the first time, that there is no self in suffering either. I had seen already that there is no self, when there are no thoughts, but considering that there is really never a self there and seeing things from this perspective i felt a big relief- seeing how self made all this suffering is which is mostly caused just by seeking and thatswhy not being happy with the way things are.
Partly i never considered this before because i beliefed blindly the teachings that say that suffering comes from a belief in a self, so if suffering is there, there must be this belief. I never looked closely on things before this guidance.
Looking more closely i can see there is also no i as or in belief since it can not be found anywhere.
So there is no 'I' in thought either?
When i had to answer this question, it happened: there was 100% certainty, that there never was, is or will be a separate self.
