Morning Sarah
Is it noticed or does it just happen?
That's what Im asking you! :) Is it one or the other or both?
You may need to help me out here. Not quite sure how to answer this. It is difficult to separate out the noticing
Don't need you to separate - just want you to look from the point of view of the notice. Its sort of like watching clouds pass by - you just watch what happens - so if you watched thoughts pass you notice what is there but are not following the story line. Does that make sense?
Both then, I guess. It depends whether there is awareness of the noticer. Certainly watching clouds pass by is one experience. Being consumed in scratching is another and although there is a very vague sense of the noticer - yes, it is still there - it is almost completely obscured by the being caught up in the scratching. In those circumstances whether there is a noticer is almost an academic question. But then again, that is a thought saying something like "Look at how itchy you are. Who cares if there is a noticer or not!" but it seems to have a lot of power in that setting. There is no strength to silence it. But obviously that is just another thought arising after the previous thought, suggesting that something needs to be silenced. Gosh!
It is interesting that the peace follows the scratching and the giving up of trying not to scratch. I had just seen the peace arising because I had satiated the itch, but now I'm beginning to wonder whether it arises because there is no attempt at control.
So in this instance - you watch/observe/notice all this happening as if its happening to someone else. There is a distance there. When this experience starts - it may (or not) be helpful to write down as if you are writing a report. Watch like a hawk what is noticed as if its not happening to you. Notice the thoughts and stories around, the feelings and impulses, the emotions, and explore the itchiness too - like the labels attached and the feelings towards.
... so difficult to create or find the space ... but yes ... writing is helpful. More obvious that there is a noticer watching the stuff being written and the stuff being written is just emerging. "Just thinking", for this body-mind at least, is more easily caught up in the thinking and noticer/noticing fades into the background again. Cool! Writing is a good practice!
The underlying fear is related primarily to feeling embarrassed going out in public with weeping red skin. The feelings of discomfort just get interpreted into/reenforce this thinking.
...
I can talk about it, but struggle to even find it?
Do you mean you cant find the fear? Or don't experience it?
It is experienced but cannot be located by looking/noticing. Presumably that means that this body-mind has become that fear at those moments.
Side-Note: Comfortable talking about "this body-mind". I can see why it gets used as a term. It is just a vessel. Feel less comfortable talking about "I" or "me" in this context. Doesn't seem to express things quite right. Things are just emerging. There is a noticer, but it isn't an "I" or "me". This all happens in or around this body-mind, but no ownership is involved. There is no "I" agent causing things to happen. The "I" agent comes to the fore more when the "you are a victim" thought arises.
Im assuming you do so heres a very long exercise!
Now this is interesting. I tried to stay with fear as best I could. What emerged was the impulse to write a letter to the school where I was abused.I followed that impulse and for the first time I felt I could speak directly to the school about my grievance with them. (I was, quite recently, involved in a court case against the teacher involved, but it all ended completely unresolved. I won't go into details unless prompted). The letter was written. It just emerged pretty effortlessly. As I re-read it, there was a sense of power, liberation and wonder. There was a liking of the language used, the way things were expressed, even though others may find it too flowery or pompous (again "Thought! I see you!"). There was wonder at the expression used. There was no egocentric "Look what I have produced". No attempt to claim any glory. Just a beautiful experience. Unbelievable - just from writing a letter!
Further It seemed that "I" was no longer in thrall to the voices which demanded my silence. No that is not quite right. The sense of "I" was not to the fore at all. It was just "stuff happening". The voices had no weight, no authority to stop the writing of the letter. A voice could be heard for the first time in many many years. It was as valid a voice as much as the ones which would seek to silence it, but there was no resistance (repression) to it expressing itself.
In order to know fear we have to know resistance. Fear is resistance and ‘I don’t like’. Turn towards this feeling of fear so completely, so fully, allow it into you without the slightest trace of resistance – then turn around and see what remains of the fear. Can you allow this fear so completely, even with the possibility that it might annihilate you? Can you see that what you essentially are already allows that so fully without the slightest resistance to it? For who or what is it a problem that there is fear? Is it a problem for a single thought? What is it a problem for after that single thought has gone as it will? Another thought? In between the 2 thoughts is there a problem? Only thought is worried or threatened.
What is the sensation itself – striped of story – ignore the thoughts – look to the sensation only. The sensation changes continually or vibrates. Go into it. How old is the vibration, how long has this fear labelled sensation been? Has it just happened, does it have a history this sensation (apart from what thought gives it). How would you describe this sensation? Is it ever changing? Is it painful? Is it a problem this sensation? If thought says its unpleasant is it really? Go to the sensations and check under the label and story. Is unpleasantness added by thought? Look as new born baby – you know nothing but the current experience – is it really unpleasant? Go to the sensation – turn down the volume of the thoughts – is it a problem? If you don’t think about it, do you know that this sensation is something labelled or called fear? Is there any inherent fear in the sensation itself? Go to the sensation located at the sole of your foot – would you call that sensation fear? Or is it just a tingling vibration? Now compare these 2 sensations – the neutral soles of the feet to the labelled sensation in the chest or where ever – whats the difference between them? Don’t refer to the labels – just refer to the sensations. Is one more intense? Like a headache? If you don’t refer to your thoughts is it unpleasant? Could you live with this sensation for the rest of your life? Can you see how the thoughts get mixed up with the sensation? Is there an ‘I cant’ in there – that’s a thought. Is there an ‘I don’t want’ in there – that’s a thought. Go past the thought to the body sensation. Can you detect interpretation of the sensation? Thoughts again. Can you see the labels thought is trying to add - like – ‘this is fear’, ‘this is unpleasant’ or ‘this has been here for so long’? None of these thoughts actually belong to the sensation. See the thoughts but place them to one side. Without these thoughts would you know these sensations were fear? Same with the body – pure tingling sensation with thought overlaid. Is there resistance in the sensation or is it in the thought? The constriction is caused by thought. The tension is caused by thoughts. What happens as the sensation is relieved of its labels?
I shall ponder this and keep coming back to it.
Sorry if the thoughts seem a bit jumbled. Definitely are incites arising and I just jot them down.
Many thx again, Sarah
S
