Hello Kay,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there isn't. There is still a felt sense of "I" most of the time, but as soon as "I" look, or check, it disappears completely and I can see that "I" never was, in any real sense, shape, or form.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the separate self is upheld by habit of thought. The idea of a separate self is mainly a way of interpreting what is seen, felt, heard (smelled, tasted) and "understood" (content of thoughts). It probably begins soon after birth, and gets reinforced through conditioning (positive feedback from the environment), meaning, by exposure to thoughts that are commonly expressed in the environment (read, heard, seen, etc.) and upheld by "consensus." (Consensus of the multitude of thoughts that arise, corroborating the illusions and keeping them in place, as though solid and real.)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels liberating to see this. Life now feels more like entertainment and less like work or effort to "make it." (make it safe, make it financially, make it in any way that serves to overcome the fear of life.) It doesn't change the existence of pain, or fear, but like entertainment, experiencing pain or fear aren't seen as unacceptable. They are as interesting as anything else that also "comes to awareness."
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
What made me
look (or want to look) was a longstanding desperation to see the truth, a desire for relief from suffering and worry that was clearly not needed nor supported by any circumstantial evidence. There has never been need for worry, yet there was still constant worry. What made me
see was not one thing, it was a result of the mounting evidence for any lack of personal authorship of -or control over the processes of life that were unfolding within and about.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decision, intention, free will, choice, and control are all content of thought. They aren't real; they aren't operative. What makes things happen is
life. Life unfolds according to program, according to natural laws. "I" am not responsible for anything, because "I" doesn't exist.
In awareness, there might arise thoughts about responsibility + thoughts about what actions should be taken + sensations with thoughts about actions to take, about actions being taken and about actions having been taken + thoughts about how well or badly those actions served the purpose they were thought to serve. These thoughts are in no order. They are all happening now. There also arise thoughts about what the order of these occurrences have been. All such thoughts are not real nor true, but there are nonetheless thoughts about cause and effect, and thoughts about believing in cause and effect, sequences, and time. They are all just thoughts.
I don't know about responsibility. No one is responsible for anything, since there is no one to be responsible at all. Things are constantly "happening" in thought (content of thought) as a condition of life, not as a result of responsibility or of anything.
6) Anything to add?
The only thing that is real is awareness. Even sensations (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling and all sensing) are ultimately only content of thought.
It feels good Kay. It feels clear. No Snoopy happy dancing though. Something more like Snoopy waltzing... Very smooth! Thank you for sticking through this whole thing with me! What a privilege.
XOXOXOXOX
Danute
