Well there's the million dollar question. There are a lot of preconceptions about what "seeing" should feel like. On the basis of those, the experiences of my friends and people I've heard talk about it, I would say no.
- You mean it is not seen?
I'm not sure, Aragon. I mean, I can't see an 'I'. All the exercises we've done, the reflection I've done, the questions I've asked, and I can't find a self. I think I see there is no self. I say I “think” because there is some doubt – I doubt that I've seen through it because of expectations of what seeing would be like. Expectations, I know.
There's a quiet joy. I go through the day, I get annoyed by things, but I must admit that, for the time being at least, I don't seem to be as perturbed. And I seem to be able to sort of “tune in” to that knowledge, and there's a peace. But is it knowledge or just another bloody belief? And if I even have to ask that question then surely it isn't really seen?
There is seeing, hearing, smelling, there are felt sensations and thoughts. That's all there seems to be.
- (+ tasting) seems to be, or is?
That's all that I can find. There is understanding too. Understanding arises, followed by a thought. So where does understanding fit into it: seeing, hearing, tasting, feeling, thinking. Understanding? Is understanding a thought?
The feeling that I exist is still there though. The feeling of a someone. But it kind of falls apart when looked at closely.
- Sounds about right. We're not talking non-existence here. It's just seeing what is. Something IS, no?
Yes, something is.
Notice: The sun rises and falls. Trees grow and die. The wind blows the leaves across the path. A squirrel climbs a tree. Are you separate from this, from life? Or is that just a thought? You move, go to the loo when you need a pee, the fridge when you are hungry, bed when tired.
What says you are different? What says you are separate?
Notice the hands as they wash your hair, the feet as they manouvre rugged ground, the arms and legs as they drive the car.
Does life show up effortlessly, or is it all orchestrated by a 'you'?
There is no orchestration. Just arising. It's very mysterious. Perhaps I just want to understand it, to get my head around the mechanism of it all. Seeing through the illusion of 'I' doesn't provide those answers though, does it?
It isn't going to be some paradise. It is just seen as it is. Yes, the feeling (+label + thought) of being a person shows up, but is the story seen? The sense of separateness still shows up, but it is seen for what it is....
You were into Buddhism no? See how the fetters beyond self still imply self? This is freeing but it is just the start. Self-ing still happens.
What is uncertain now?
Yes, I swotted up on the fetters around the time I first heard of LU, and was surprised by how much there is to go after self is seen through. It's only the beginning, as you said. And it made breaking the first fetter seem much more possible.
What is uncertain now? I suppose what I wrote at the top of this post. On one level I feel certain there is no 'I'. I'm just afraid it might be an intellectual understanding. The LAST thing I want is yet another belief; I'm done with those. It should simply be known when seeing has happened, shouldn't it?
