Hi Kevin
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Not that I can find when I look from my direct experience. If I can't find it when I look now - it's never been there. It is a fabrication/story/a made up character.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self is seeing something central that is in control of thoughts, actions, decision making and experience. Something central that experiences life events personally and separately from other peoples experience. It starts with the labels of names and gender and is solidified by identifying/defining a separate self within a culture or through attaching/grasping to roles and relationships, that is responsible for every thought, word, action of body and mind. The illusion clouds the flow of living, being with what is happening in each moment, veils the arising and falling away of experience, creates obstacles/distractions away from the natural course of living, believes that it is independent of other life forms and can manipulate circumstances for it's own benefit and create the conditions for lasting happiness. Suffers and remains blind when life doesn't work out the way it wants, and keeps holding to the illusion through fear of oblivion, loss of purpose or revealing the great lie that there is anything substantial at all to hold to.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Like I already knew but was going along with the game of being a separate me because I couldn't quite get how to unstick from the illusion of a separate self. I'm looking more closely, easily, continuously at every day thinking/actions/reactions of body and mind, seeing the arising and falling away more clearly, noticing the flowing, changing nature of thinking and experience. Being more aware that there is no me in central control of life. Noticing in particular the automatic, naturally tactile, kinesthetic unfolding of body movements and processes and how they are happening without a me thinking them into being or in charge. Noticing the tumbling, cascading nature of thinking, feeling, emotions occurring in relationship to events unfolding, or not, without a me in central control. Noticing how experience arises out of conditions, habitual patterns and behaviours that are able to change and transform, that aren't anchored or fixed or controlled by a central power/me. Tasting the freedom and lightness that comes with being in direct experience unfolding.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The sustained direction of looking and exploring in my direct experience, especially body movements and noticing that there is no separate "I' or 'me' in control of them. Body movement and processes just unfolding naturally with an intelligence that is not me, just life flowing through and knowing intrinsically what to do.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
It feels like decision and intention arise from previous conditions that have arrived at a particular point of awareness in consciousness (?) where choice can be made to direct/create conditions to come to a degree (intentionality?). Then life carryies on and unfolds as a result of choices/decisions made to a certain degree but ultimately there is no control after intention is set. Life may go in a particular direction dependent on decisions and choices made at a moment in time or something random can come in and change the direction of events. Awareness can set an intention/choice in motion and that is what I'm (?) responsible for and that's all - to be as aware and skillful as I can and accept life's unfolding. For example making the decision to do DP, hoping to see more clearly through the illusion of self, not really knowing how that will unfold ultimately but being open to what arises as a result of intention/decision/choices made.
6) Anything to add?
When I pick it all to pieces I am 'thinking' I get it, but still thinking I need further direction to really embody/know it fully, something more to help with 'not falling back'. Would appreciate any guidance to keep exploring further.
Thanks for your patience and I look forward to your response.
With Kindness
Blackbird
