Hi Jon!
strange, i didn't get any notification for the past two entries from you.. I got curious and decided to check in..
4)What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5)Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
6) Anything to add?
4.It felt like falling backwards over and over again, to see that there still is a self!! like.. inception movie, but this is a self.. and then saw the self that had been 'struggling' to 'be enlightened', and then a self of having a thought that a self is struggling, and then this line came to me, "This is a thought too!" but everything is always a thought, and this is yet another thought.. and then, some kind of letting go happens.. and a statement that said, "nothing has to be changed", "let trying to control be", "let wanting control be", and momentarily, this ego structure becomes as is.. nothing has to be done..
5.like, there is an obsession of wanting to be loved.. so this ego will 'try' or 'control' a me or events to make sure a me is loved. and then noticing happens "let the thought of 'trying' be.."
Or.. whenever the self wants to change somebody, it is to avoid a certain feeling, which is feeling of not being loved. but.. I consciously 'let them be', and see through this reflected 'me' that has been so hard to be seen..
Or even when an I is rushing in the traffic, a 'me' is reflected as an idea existing within this time and space structure of mind.. something like that..
Or everytime people stare at me, there is this idea of body self intact in mind.. its crazy..
6. But this seeing keeps happening, like.. sometimes annoying.. and then, that is also a thought... hahaha but something i can't control. it just flows the way it is, and something keeps unfolding.. annoyances, thoughts of 'losing' awareness, failing, succeeding, going with the flow, resisting - is all moment to moment thoughts, even this moment. idk.. hard to describe.. but it also kind of feels like, trusting in each unfolding movement, but there is no need to trust, because its all just a dream.
But I still feel trapped.. but this is still a thought! there still seems to be a struggle, of not letting go, which is still a thought..
I kind of dont know whats the next step, because that is the step.. that exact thought is what will continue over to the next step. but there never was a step. like. ok.. 'I' am here typing.. and this is the exact thing 'i' will be doing this moment..' and then the next 'now' becomes a now.. its always a now.. now is all there is..
and in the next now, an 'i' will think that "'I'm still lost" or something like that.. and that becomes a now..
But to feel the sensation, the body is still tight.. its holding onto something, its not relaxed... but what body.. a body held in this illusion.
I honestly want to go on and on with this 'cycle' that plays in my head, but I stop here.. And this statement came from Julia.. hahaha
Julia
