1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I now see as I look at Direct Experience that there is no separate entity 'self', 'me', 'I' anywhere.
Of course i still use and will continue to use the word "I", even though it feels different now than it did - rather strange in fact. What I do notice is that there are "thoughts' about "I", I have a name, know where I Iive, work etc. I also recognise some others by name and association. All of these thoughts are habits, learned and conditioned - there is no separate "functional" self because I can't find it in Direct Experience - very strange and mysterious.
There never was a separate entity 'self' - it is an illusion - though a very strongly held belief. What propelled me into this process, was that a good Spiritual friend said to me recently that she could see my yearning to break through and see this illusion and she also saw me reinforcing it with what I took on in my work and life. I felt this feedback very viscerally, and she was spot on and this has helped my "really looking"
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you seeit now.
The illusion of a separate self is a thought, a way of defining who I was. It is a belief I have held and it often starts when I have felt threatened, scared, unsure, want to be noticed, am criticised, want to be affirmed in what I do, It works by continuing to separate me from reality, from others and from the flow of experience and contracting the world. With the focus on 'me", and in this contracted state, I now see that everything else becomes separate, and objectified.
How I see it now, is when I look at my Direct Experience I see no separate self. This has been through the process of being pointed to 'keep looking' - and now experience most of the time the process of doing, seeing, thinking, smelling, tasting, hearing as a flow of experience.
I also notice that there are thoughts, but they are also just a flow of experience arising and ceasing. I have given so much preference to 'thinking' in the form of a commentary and have been realising for sometime that it is unnecessary and now it feels totally unnecessary - of course it is still occurring, but I'm seeing it more quickly and noticing that it has no impact on Direct experience. I now see that this commentary has been reinforcing the sense of 'someone directing the show'.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels freeing, scary, exciting - a phrase that keeps coming to mind in "There really is no separate self", maybe also a bit dream-like. I was not having these Direct Experiences before I started this dialogue and looking back I had not idea I would - even my expectations and motivations were 'future focussed'. Even though we have only been dialoguing for a week, it feels much longer and I seem to be experiencing time in a different way. It was lovely this afternoon, I led a puja at the end of a practice day, as there was not an "I" in the way, there was the experience of this practice as a flow and intimate connection with others. This was very different from before.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I'm not sure there was a last bit - there were a couple of bits which started with the experience of 'lifting the arm' and coming back to look quite a few times before really seeing that "I" was not lifting the arm, but it was just lifting as a flow of experience, and the realisation that this was the same sense I had been having in the whole body during the last couple of days prior to this. Then when I went to the shopping mall, it wasn't just the arm, or the body as a flow of experience, it was 'everything'!
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How
does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I assume by this question you mean to describe these things from Direct Experience? Things happen as a result of causes and conditions arising and when those causes and conditions cease, they cease.
In the Direct Experience of seeing that there is no separate self, there cannot be 'free will', intention, choice, decision and control. Why I say this is that even though I may make a decision to do something, set an intention, try to set things up so I get a certain outcome, and make choices around all of this - those choices, decisions etc. may have very little bearing on the outcome - a bit like my expectations and motivations at the beginning of this process.
What I am responsible for is knowing the causes and conditions that create karma and therefore the shape of my life, I am not totally sure how this happens but it makes more sense to me now than it did before.
I have found this question the most difficult to reflect on and have tried to stick with my own experience and what I see in Direct Experience, but also aware that I could be coming from what I have studied,engaged with etc. before this process.
6) Anything to add?
This feels like the very beginning of something, even though it feels huge at the moment. I am finding this process so helpful, so simple, so profound, that it makes me feel like laughing and crying at the same time.
I hope you had a good break away Dava.
Warm wishes
Kusalamani
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