If you are ready, come in..

[MerlinC]

the sun reflects off my matter and I witness this threw my eyes and I experience it then I think about it. but the I doesnt come up untell contemplation kicks in and labels produce an I like my body is being reflected off the sun. It feels like Im holding on to I but how could I be holding on if I doesnt egsist?.

[Ilona]

Funny thing is- there is no one holding on. There is no I just, thought passing by effortlessly- " I am holding on to my I"
There is a sense of holding on + automatic labelling of the mind.
What is behind that sense? Can you take a look ?

[MerlinC]

beyond holding on is fear of losing control.

[Ilona]

Loosing control? Hm, that's a big one.
Explain to me in detail, what control is there that you have and what are you afraid to loose exactly?

If there is no you at all, is the control that is happening coming from you? or is it claimed after it happens by mysterious me? 'my control' is just a thought.
I'm in control- is just a thought
I may loose control- has I ever had it? Is thought I in charge of and in control of other thoughts?

[MerlinC]

I feel as if Im not carefull I may learn and put into practice something that is insane so treading carefully would be self control so is choice. If theirs no I then their definitely wouldn't be control but I don't know that withen myself I fully believe Im an individual that is in control of my life. but life throws curve balls in every second of life but I've grown to know that as apart of life

[Ilona]

You believe that you are an individual in control of your life.
I say there is no you at all in real life, only in imagination. There is an imagined character that is assumed for a real me with real control over its own life.

All there is is life happening. Not to you, not through you, but as you.
Can you see the difference?

[MerlinC]

I can see when held up to the light all ideas about me are structures of thought. But without a foundation to support them other then beliefs and beliefs arent true one hundred percent. So I feel as I'm still here separate knowing better but not at all trancended of a sence of self. I been looking inwards and asking questions about myself as an I or me and it feels like theirs an uneasiness to the answers I resolve because I feel like I have no resting place to say I am this or that as if Im lost in nothingness. or how I relate to ideas.

[Ilona]

How do you imagine to transcend the spence of self?
What do you expect?

[MerlinC]

By dissolving the ego by letting go and the help of the universe will allow the awakening from self. The dream I as a separate being will be no more. What I expect is the end to suffering and the end of ignorance of what I am which is actualy apart of everything. I dont know when but thats more of the universes department.

[Ilona]

Wow.
So how do you think that ego is gonna disolve?
Ego is not a problem. It is not real. It's like a costume that you need to put on when communicating with others.
What happens if you replace word ego with word character? Can you see that there is a story going on about the main character monarch? Does a character need to disolve?

What disolved is identification with character once it's seen that story is fiction.

Write what you see here, what drives the character, does it needed a me to controll it? How many roles does character monarch play? Is there an actor inside controlling the character?

And who or what is it that you expect the universe to give help?
What is it that is outside of universe? Are you outside of universe??

Yeah... Roll your sleeves up and start working. Clean up that magical thinking.

[MerlinC]

Their is a story me and that me is built with ideas. Ideas that have and will be raplaced with other ideas. None of which are me but get better at refining an over all idea of me which tickles my fancy but thats alright because that is all I have ever known along with 7 billion people on this planet. So in short not that magical at all actualy Im very sober for what Ive seen. We are all players in the act of life. and sence their are so many scenes ther are plenty of roles I play. some people know this others dont. And I soppose the I which thinks Im a self and giving reasons to justify by beliefs is imaginary to but I cannot see threw it because their wouldent be a person to witness it it would be unfiltered awareness being aware of its self. universe is a poor description for everthing as one. You being apart of that and me is where the help is I need help & you want to help thats not imaginary magical hippie crap its true. Are roles in the play arent over yet you know how I know? where not dead yet. That is my belief.

[Ilona]

In the roles you play is there an actor?
Is there a witness?
A director?

[MerlinC]

Id have to Imagine it to be any of thouse things. witness comes closer to the truth if anything.

[Ilona]

there is no witness, just witnessing happening.
check if it's true.

[MerlinC]

yes its true