Seeking a Guide

[Tyler]

Haha. No problem. I tried that once. It's confusing. Go to the top of the page and click user control panel. Then click manage drafts. You can then open up the draft of what you wrote. I don't think you can post from there but you can copy and paste the draft into a new post. Hope that made sense.

[AndrewGBL]

Hi Tyler,

My apologies for lagging on my end. I had my son with me for the weekend so my time was very booked. Here is my last reply with some other comments:

What is the I that wants to keep the search on?

The sense of being unconvinced. I know too much. I keep referencing what I've read and heard and conclude that "seeing" can't be this easy. However, when I do walk my senses, thoughts and experience, I'm aware there's nobody there. The image that keeps coming to mind is being a shadow. Not in a bad sense. But the self seems so tightly bound to awareness that awareness keeps getting pulled into the madness. It's the self reflexive nature going where the self thinks it exists because there's always awareness. This I thing seems to be borrowing awareness as its own. Very frustrating to know it all, but have the snap in realization escape time and time again.

What is the I that wants to exorcise?

It's a mental function. I know this. Just process, but seems to be the heart of it. The most powerful part of it all--thinking the I sense can liberate itself--extricate itself from itself. The "sense" of self is strong.

And what is the I that needs to be exorcized?

The self-same "I" that wants the damned exorcism. How little sense this makes. This is why I'm continuing the investigation. The intensity is ramping up like never before. And by that I mean dedication to this process. I flat out refuse to walk away until what's in this skull is fully witnessed.

Now, another question for you...

Over the weekend I had a sense of things flipping, meaning, the world seemed to be a projection from my mind and not my mind perceiving an outside world. It was like, this is ALL in my head, being projected out and the perceived in. For a while it seemed I was The One...not the "I" ego, but there was no other conscious awareness save what was happening to me. Nobody else seemed real and everything inside and outside seemed to be the only possible reality in all existence. Again, perhaps that's more illusion of the solipsism kind, but it sure felt as though duality hiccuped and this entire experience was mine alone, inside the mind I carry, with no way to verify that anyone other perspective outside my own experienced awareness existed.

I don't want to derail us. But can you comment on this if you have some idea of what I'm talking about?

[Tyler]

Andy. So sorry. I replied to your last post the day you sent it. I've actually been waiting on you to reply. I just checked on our thread because I haven't heard from you and saw that my reply was gone. Turns out there have been more problems with the site and some recent posts went missing. My apologies. I will re-reply ASAP. I hope all is well.

[Tyler]

Hey Andy. Are you still with me? So sorry about the technical dificulties. I just hope you get this message!

The sense of being unconvinced. I know too much. I keep referencing what I've read and heard and conclude that "seeing" can't be this easy.

The stories you've heard are fine and can be useful to reference, as you say, to make sense of what is happening, but their stories are not your direct experience. Just look in this moment. It's always been this easy.

However, when I do walk my senses, thoughts and experience, I'm aware there's nobody there.

That's it.

But the self seems so tightly bound to awareness that awareness keeps getting pulled into the madness. It's the self reflexive nature going where the self thinks it exists because there's always awareness. This I thing seems to be borrowing awareness as its own. Very frustrating to know it all, but have the snap in realization escape time and time again.

Great. Look again in your direct experience. Are thoughts forming a new sense of separation, creating a separate awareness? What is the awareness that keeps getting pulled into the madness? It there a separate madness? What is separate that can borrow a separate awareness? What needs to escape? Is there a separate realization that is separate from madness or awareness? Just look for what is separate from anything else. Can you find any separation when you look beyond the illusion?

It's a mental function. I know this. Just process, but seems to be the heart of it.

Yes. Can you find a separate heart?

The "sense" of self is strong.

Yes I know. The good news is you don't have to get rid of it. That's not the goal. There is no you to get rid of it. All that is needed now it to see that there is no genuine separate self to support the sense of self. Remember, this is a beginning, not an end. Things like conditioned beliefs and self-concepts will fall away with time. Can you find a separate self of any kind anywhere in reality? This is how you check your own bull shit meter. Can you find a separate entity of any kind?

Over the weekend I had a sense of things flipping, meaning, the world seemed to be a projection from my mind and not my mind perceiving an outside world. It was like, this is ALL in my head, being projected out and the perceived in. For a while it seemed I was The One...not the "I" ego, but there was no other conscious awareness save what was happening to me. Nobody else seemed real and everything inside and outside seemed to be the only possible reality in all existence. Again, perhaps that's more illusion of the solipsism kind, but it sure felt as though duality hiccuped and this entire experience was mine alone, inside the mind I carry, with no way to verify that anyone other perspective outside my own experienced awareness existed.

I know what you mean. Sometimes this kind of think can happen. There's no need to read into it. It's just what happened in the moment. If it happens again, bring inquiry to it. Is there an I in that experience?

I hope you are still with me. I apologize again for the technical difficulty. I wonder if you have lost posts too. I was told that that the problems should be over now. Hopefully we can get back on track and wrap this up! Take care.

[AndrewGBL]

I am with you. My apologies. I've been very busy with work and life. Helping my girlfriend open a yoga studio as well.

Hope you're well.

It occurred to me that if our true state is just watching, hearing, tasting, etc., then time spent focused in that state might be interesting. After sitting there lots lately-- It is. There's this "getting behind" the sense of self there. A vast emptiness that's perfectly still. I wonder, if thoughts were to cease entirely for some time, would this body carry out what it does alone...entirely on its own? It must. All things must be doing this without "us".

I have some questions I've hesitated to put down about your questions above. I need to get back to work, though admittedly, I'm beginning to see that I'm interacting with the world as if I thought these stories are real. The stories are knit up to nothing more than this sense.

Tyler, it's a dream, is it not? There's just this waking to see that NONE of it was what I thought, because thought was believed and taken in first person. It's not.

me

[Tyler]

Hey Andrew!

So good to hear from you. I'm doing very well. Thanks for asking. If I'm reading your message correctly, it sounds like things are unraveling nicely. Is that fair to say?

There's this "getting behind" the sense of self there.

I would like to clarify what you mean by this. How does this happen?

A vast emptiness that's perfectly still. I wonder, if thoughts were to cease entirely for some time, would this body carry out what it does alone...entirely on its own? It must. All things must be doing this without "us".

Nice.

I have some questions I've hesitated to put down about your questions above.

Ask away.

There's just this waking to see that NONE of it was what I thought, because thought was believed and taken in first person. It's not.

It sounds to me like seeing has occurred and conditioned beliefs and ways of perceiving are falling away. Have you seen through the illusion of a separate self?

[AndrewGBL]

Hi Tyler,

By "getting behind" the sense of self, I mean, there's watching thoughts gyrate and grab for ground...for solidity. Where there used to be a complete merge into first-person narrative and view there's some seeing how the thoughts operate from some distance.

Yes, today I saw that there was nobody here. Not me. Not you. Nobody. And the story lines of life were, for almost an hour, crystal clear nonsense. Even the slightest idea of "not there yet" helped me see how the search keeps going. But in that space today there were no more questions.

Then it was off to "work". And an hour later that seeing was just a reflection. Feels like a current swept up and whooshed the realization away. I'm dealing with the idea of this being an instant, once and done seeing. It won't be otherwise, I know, but there's flicker now.

Today was the most alarming, total shift in perspective yet. Watching. Keeping up the watching.

Andy

That's all I got.

Andy

[Tyler]

Wonderful! You have been confirmed by the other guides. If you would like (and are on Facebook), you can join to our Facebook groups for new arrival. I think you would enjoy the discussions and further exploration. If this sounds interesting, please tell me your Facebook name and/or page link in a private message and I will arrange this for you. (Click the red name 'Tyler' and then choose 'Send Private Message'). It's been great talking with you, Andy. Congratulations!