Helena - Ingen

[Ingen]

I was expecting SOMETHING to be different, anything, and trying not to have expectations about what that should be. Yet I find everything as it always was and that I'm still trying to control things even though I realize how futile it is.

I can't do the work for you, you have to look yourself. There are loads of leads - the ones that made you feel uneasy are the ones you should follow.

I don't really understand whether I'm making the "right" decisions. How do I know if I am making a decision and letting life do its thing or if I'm believing in a self that is becoming a hindrance to what can simply BE? I am fine with bad experiences, I just want them to be bad experience with a purpose. Or, maybe not a purpose, but a "it's bad but that's okay" feel. Am I making sense? =S

Did you read my last post at all? The paragraph about decision making?

You never took a bad decision. You always took the best decision available at the moment, like everybody else does.

[helena]

So I guess there is no "natural" or "right" path to take, I can just allow my thought processes to continue doing what they do, worries and all, but with the recognition that they occur without a controlling entity. I think I need to practice things more, I'm making these statements on shaky ground and I don't really want to stop until I can feel confident saying that there truly is no self, and actually understand what that means.

[Ingen]

Have you ever tried to live a day "AS IF" it was true what I'm saying - there is no you. Everything is happening, world, body, thoughts - and there is no you.

Try it.

[helena]

I'll give it a shot, I've actually been trying it today. I have to really focus on what "no you" means or feels like though because I don't think it means inaction. Obviously I am going about my day, doing what I normally do, being called on to discuss this or that thing, etc. but what does it mean to not have a "you" there? How can I start trying this out?

[Ingen]

what does it mean to not have a "you" there?

Yes, try to find that out.

[helena]

I'm still not 100% sure what to do. Does pretending there's no you mean I just follow my gut all day? (Not even sure what THAT looks like) Does it mean acting like a hedonist? Does it mean pretending I was never born? Does it mean acting like an invisible rock? I'm confused.

[Ingen]

Just observe how thought labels every experience that is happening.

A sound happens - then comes the label "I" heard something.
Scratching your head happens - then comes the label "I" scratched my head.
A feeling arises - then comes the label "I" am feeling this.

Not more. Don't hide behind "confusion". It is very simple.

[helena]

Ok, it's happening 100% of the time. I don't want to write out too much because I'm in a pretty sour mood and I don't want to throw a tantrum at anyone. But yes, I can see how thoughts are labeling those feelings of frustration and anger, adding a narrative, etc. I'm not sure what that really means, I've always kind of understood this because heck, that's what I'm supposed to know through my degree. It doesn't really change the fact that the narrative keeps going, automatically, and that I really have to focus to see it happening. I don't really feel comfortable with the statement that "it's very simple" because it really hasn't been. I have to put so much energy into just watching things observe because if I don't, my attention gets diverted back into the narrative and I forget what I'm doing. It's really exhausting.

[Ingen]

I meant it is simple to understand, not simple to do :)

I'm not sure what that really means, I've always kind of understood this because heck, that's what I'm supposed to know through my degree. It doesn't really change the fact that the narrative keeps going, automatically, and that I really have to focus to see it happening.

What usually happens is that the narrative gets confused with direct experience. Direct experience - life - is always happening. Always there, effortlessly. The commentaries are keeping you from experiencing life. or, better said, it is keepin you from seeing that there is no division between life and you.

Keep exploring, if you want. I'm not forcing you anywhere.

[helena]

Keep exploring, if you want. I'm not forcing you anywhere.

Of course not, but I am being very hard on myself. I want to understand things so badly and I get very frustrated when I just simply don't. Or sometimes I become skeptical, not really seeing how I can just let things be. I just feel that I would be in a very dangerous situation if I just let things be without doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, roles and responsibilities, etc.

[Ingen]

Yes...?!

[Ingen]

Who says you should do that?

[helena]

Society, people. No one really, no one that should matter. I would love to say "myself" right now but I'm tired of giving answers that just show I've gotten nowhere.

Probably fear. If I'm going to say "myself" it would be because of an interpretation of the fear that I sense.

[Ingen]

Helena, to be honest, I don't think we are getting anywhere here, it is going in circles. This process is obviously not for working for everyone.

It could be that the other guides have an idea how to continue, if you want. it might also be that taking a break would be the right thing to do...

[helena]

I think I need a break, everything is very hazy and I've lost focus. I thank you so much for sticking with me this long, hopefully we'll speak again soon (and actually get somewhere =))