Dear Vivien,
Can ‘ego’ be experienced? Does this word point to anything ‘real’?
No, just a concept for self, another concept. Only thoughts.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No I, me, or self to be found, just the thought of one. Well, in the past, no great event of self passing or great change or disappearance of something that was actually there. So there must not have ever been a real self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
There is input from the senses, this feels alive, the thought comes that this is My feeling, that Billy exists. "I feel, therefore I am". Now I see this existing as just a thought creating something that does not exist in reality, but only conceptually.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Well I was not that attached to my thoughts in the first place. I did not have a "reactive mind". But I did have a thought that Billy existed somehow and have made my peace, said goodbye, and am ok with that. The main newness for me is a greater awareness/experience of thought labels and an ease of letting go of them and just seeing what is. Life as it is.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The first, which included several body rushes, was saying goodbye to "Billy". The realization that self is just a thought was very profound. Then working through Direct Experience began to point out labels more than I've thought of them before. I feel the experience of Direct Experience happening more often and sometimes rather intensely, like rigpa.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
A thought comes to do something, another thought contains the idea that this is something to do. Then action takes place and a thought comes that this was a good outcome. Sensory input comes in that is unpleasant and a thought comes to act to correct the condition causing the unpleasant sensory input. The unpleasant sensation stops and the thought comes "this is good". Mongo happy now. :-) But I know there is no Mongo now, just the concept of him, a nice place holder in the flow of life.
6) Anything to add?
This has been a great experience. Such a direct pointing to no self. Sure beats all that Zen beating around the bush, although it was all there too, all along.
Thank you Vivien for all the work and time you are giving to this great effort.
Sincerely,
bill