My Story. Looking for a guide...

[NoKevin]

What about ambitions or goals? If Kevin is not controlled how will they be attained? Lets take quitting smoking for example. Alot of this is starting to make sense in ways it never used to. But surely acting requires some form of prior thought or desire. How can a person attain goals or objectives with no control?

Will the body just take care of goals, objectives or desires on its own?

[NoKevin]

This is a crazy thought for me. It is so reality altering and I am having trouble accepting it. I see it with resistance. That nothing is within my control. Is that what liberation is. Realizing that there is not control over anything in life and just letting it be? I dont see how it is possible to achieve goals and ambitions as I mentioned in my last post.

Is the life of Kevin being witness by consciousness? And is it just like watching a movie basically? Nothing is controlled or influenced at all?

I almost feel like I cant let go of the desire to control things.

[Fabíola]

What would control life? Can it be found an 'I'' deciding, having goals, controlling life? Does the 'I' exist'? If yes, where can it be found? Is there an 'I' watching the movie of life? What is it that watches the movie of life, is it separate from life itself? Look!

New thoughts make sense. Fine! That's their job. That's what thoughts do, they construct meanings. But that is not about making sense, that is about looking.

Your questions come out of fear. There is fear asking how about control, how about decisions, how about goals... Asking, and asking... Feeding thoughts... But, this is not about thoughts, this is about seeing.

I am not here to teach you, nor to make you add another belief to those which are already there.

Please do the exercises bellow and report what was seen;

- Take a walk, go slowly. What happens? Is there any 'I' controlling it? Can it be found any I controlling the legs moving?

- Seat n a quiet place. Feel breathing happening. How does it happen? Is there any 'I' which can be found doing it?

Please, report from direct experience, not from mind wandering.

Look!

[Fabíola]

Some further comments:

[quo te="NoKevin"]I see it with resistance. That nothing is within my control.[/quote]

Who is there to see it with resistance? Who is there to have some control? Who is there to achieve goals?

Is the life of Kevin being witness by consciousness? And is it just like watching a movie basically? Nothing is controlled or influenced at all?.

Why do you ask, what did you see? Look!

I almost feel like I cant let go of the desire to control things.

Is there an 'I' to let go of desires?

Kind regards

[NoKevin]

I cant control the breathing or walking. It just happens. I am still having trouble seeing that there is no I though. Perhaps I am not ready for this. Or maybe I need to look harder. To be completely honest I dont even know what no self means properly. I know this is not something to be understood. But I am having trouble seeing it clearly. I see that things happen on there own. But I still feel like there is a controller involved. Just letting go and letting things happen doesnt seem possible. It would be very difficult to live an ordinary productive life like that. Please be patient with me this is very difficult in my eyes.

[Fabíola]

Maybe no one is prepared, although it is nothing more than. what already have been. But it really is a radical different discover. Don't be worry. It is perfectly normal what you are feeling, and it is very good that you don't know nothing about no self. When people know, they often try to fit their seeing to their previous knowing.

You are beginning this process, you are yet almost entirely in a mental field, trying to grasp the significance of the things we are starting to work together. It is understandable, you are trying to control it! Now tell me, how do you see this, is it functioning, this tentative of control? Or is that tentative of control totally ineffective? It seems it is. As you say, you need to look harder, which is something you keep avoiding.

You have not to let go of anything, In fact, there is no one to let go, nothing to let go.

Don't need to ask me to be patient, I'm glad to be here, guiding you.

Today have been a very busy day, I will ccomeback later.

[Fabíola]

You have been lspeaking how you are afraid. Now, please, try not to fight your fear but stay with it and look behind it:

What is that fear trying to protect?

Don't answer from intellect, look attentively.

[NoKevin]

Hi Fabiola. I have had a long day helping with my girlfriends brothers wedding favours. I will look deeply into our discussion tomorrow and respond accordingly. For now what comes to mind is that fear wants to protect my self image and importance and how other people perceive me. The I is not found in the body. It is an underlying being that is detached from physical things. Beliefs and perceptions about who Kevin is, is not who I am. But Kevin is extremely stuck in his beliefs and desire to control. I can see this but obviously I cannot control it. It happens as do thoughts and feelings.

[Fabíola]

Yes, that fear wants to protect your self image, which is what thoughts tell you about Kevin, just stories. 'I want to be seen as a respected man, a man of success, an alpha male' ... 'I must control, I must keep goals in mind's ... 'other people respect me, I must keep on!' ...
Year by year passing by, and thoughts keeping constructing this 'Kevin' character.

That is exactly what your fears want to protect: your SELF.

Now take an even more deep looking, look behind that fear, what can you find? Is there a self behind that fear? What do you find there?

In order to discover what is, you must be with fear, don't fight it, let it be, listen to fear. What do you find there? How do you know?

Take your time!

Kind regards

[NoKevin]

What do you mean by listen to fear? If I listen to it and be with it then surely that will encourage it and make me react to it. I think fear just happens as do my other experiences. It comes from beliefs.

[NoKevin]

Fear of loss. Losing identity and respect. Losing self. Thats where the fear comes from. It arises in thought. Behind the fear is a quiet being. Just as behind my other senses and thoughts. They arise from a quiet center that is there and from which everything arises.

[Fabíola]

What is that quiet center, where did you find it? How can a quiet center produce such not quiet experiences? Why have you that fear Kevin? Look deeply and find when did that fear arise for the first time and how did it happens.

[NoKevin]

I suppose it cant. I cannot remember when that fear arose for the first time but it arose from the mind as a thought.

[Fabíola]

As a thought? What do you feel when there's fear?

[NoKevin]

Yes and it manifests within this body as emotions. Anxiety, stress and discomfort.