Let's go.

[Anki]

Are you saying that the resistance is everywhere... as in: resistance is felt towards everything??

If so... back off a bit. Nothing can be accomplished with that level of fight going on. Take a break. Relax.

Stop contemplating this no self thing for a while and perhaps even refrain from anything stressful. When things ease up, let me know....

If it is just that you have resistance to what you and are are doing here, still take a break. Resistance usually means fear and nothing can happen until the fear ebbs, is then identified and fades on its own. But that can't happen until things relax in this area for you.

Sending lots of support... good feeling...

[Korneliusz]

OK, any questions?

[Korneliusz]

Where to look? I want to look - I want to know and get out of the way of life. I just live, that's all. Well, there's a lot of "I" in my thoughts, a lot of thoughts of searching for "I". The "I" searching for "I". But it is not, the "I" or the thoughts/feelings - whatever is implied by sensations, true. It never gets any "truer", it just diving in and going through. I know, I know, it doesn't help, I should just look. I don't know where to look, there is no "where", I don't consider it to be such a burden as it seems it was a few days ago, but it's just - there is nowhere to look for this "I", it's so absurd. Obiously, there is a sense of self, from time to time, or thoughts with "I", but, other than that, nothing to point to this "I". Maybe I shouldn't write, I don't know.

[Anki]

You do sound more at ease... :)

Let's backtrack a bit here, Korneliusz.

What expectations do you have here? What do you think will happen as you look for the "I" but find there is really no "where" to look, and nothing to point to it. What are/were you expecting?

[Korneliusz]

I've tried to write something, but then deleted it, because it doesn't fee like I have some expectations.
I guess the thing I would expect is some kind of mental sanity, or rather, a feel of certainty that I am sane and not delusional about my real life situation, including my relations with other people, and generally, am I headed towards a disaster, lack of job, joy and everything.

I've had some really troubling issues recently, mostly psychological about my character and what I do. It feels like I could investigate more, go more deeply into it and look for help and do other things I wouldn't normally consider doing. But then, it doesn't feel that real. It still comes back and I get into this narrative of me needing some psychotherapy and great deal of work NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. But then it's faced with just being, and it looses its impetus for a while.

[Korneliusz]

If I'm not free, life is hell.
What to do now? I'm really in need of this. OK, I know it's not me, but still, it keeps popping up, the energy has to go somewhere, and it does. A lot of laugh, madman's laugh today, and generally recently. It doesn't matter.

[Korneliusz]

So far I don't see any radical change in my life or experience. It might have shifted a bit, but it still feels like there is some retarded element in me, some doubts and discontent with what is. Worrying about future- but, at the same time, I perceive it as something from the land of imagination/memory, especially when my mind or memory starts doing these things, like doing the same thing again, out of this worrying, and my recognition that I've already knew what I have just checked. Also, I feel like there is some kind of structure that is putting my body in motion. Especially around other people. Like some sort of fence, controlling my beahviour, my gestures or moves around others. As though my body had some programmed boundries not to trespass. I'm sorry, I can't do any better. There is just life, experiencing, no sight of "awakening" or "self" or something else outside of just being.

[Anki]

still feels like there is some retarded element in me, some doubts and discontent with what is. Worrying about future- but, at the same time, I perceive it as something from the land of imagination/memory,

What is noticing this, and all the other things that are currently being noticed? What is doing the laughing? What is the

structure that is putting my body in motion

?

Is there a self, a you? If there is it's findable, so find it. If not... what is this experiencing that is showing up?

[Korneliusz]

What is noticing this, and all the other things that are currently being noticed? What is doing the laughing? What is the

structure that is putting my body in motion

?

Is there a self, a you? If there is it's findable, so find it.

There is no doer or noticer, that's a redundant notion. In direct experience, there is just experiencing. No self, no me. No you, for that matter.

If not... what is this experiencing that is showing up?

Well, in direct experience, strange as it may sound, at least that's what I would consider it to be now, it's nothing. So we got to a point where there is no subject and there is no object seen in direct experience. Which is not something I would consider to tell my mom.

[Anki]

Ahhhh, Kornelius.... :) Very very nice...

What is the feeling here, Kornelius? Is there a self "in here" that separate from the world "out there"? Is there a self anywhere to be found?

Is there an experiencer, experiencing?

When you use the word "I" to what are you reffering?

In your own experience have you seen through the illusion of the self, the "me"?

These questions are make sure of your clarity. If we are both confident of that I'll ask you our final 6 questions.

Good work!
Love to you...
Lisa

[Korneliusz]

What is the feeling here, Kornelius? Is there a self "in here" that separate from the world "out there"? Is there a self anywhere to be found?

No feeling at the moment, though a bit of nervousness in stomach. No, no out there vs in here. Something is scared, but I can't do anything about it. I don't control anything. Controlling may happen as an experience and then it's just that, another illusion, another something. By illusion I mean something temporary, that will go anyway. You can't find a self. I will be digging this fear thing.

Is there an experiencer, experiencing?

Nope.

When you use the word "I" to what are you reffering?

I refer to something, that is recognized in direct experience as a human. Tricky one, seems a hard question, but that's how humans talk to each other, they name objects, they divide experience into objects, their relations, among other things (I don't recall everything the language does with experiencing). So there is a particular human, a particular computer, a particular typing with the use of particular hands.

In your own experience have you seen through the illusion of the self, the "me"?

No, not really. I don't consider it to be a logical question at all.

These questions are make sure of your clarity. If we are both confident of that I'll ask you our final 6 questions.

Are you sure?

[Korneliusz]

"No, not really. I don't consider it to be a logical question at all."

What I think I meant is that there was no such experience. It's obvious there is a story and it keeps rebuilding, taking shapes, forms, sounds, and ends up being nothing, not connected to real life experiences. I have a gut feeling there is a lot of crap or contradictory statements in my previous message I'm refering to. Although I cannot find "I", I'm not convinced I'm clear about this. I've spent a lot of time on this. It's weird but I don't feel like writing anything. Should just wait for your answer.

[Korneliusz]

There is this voice in me, I listen to it, it goes on and on and on and on, and on and on, like wow, really.
Other than that a sense of being separate from it, like there is some kind of distance between me and that voice. It's like, no longer "my" thoughts, just thoughts.

But I'm full of it...- that's just a go at trying to describe the state I'm in.

[Anki]

Love your responses, Korneliusz.

Although I cannot find "I", I'm not convinced I'm clear about this. I've spent a lot of time on this. It's weird but I don't feel like writing anything.

Let's let this settle a bit. Sometimes the initial experiencing is a wham... :) Sit with it... just be.

When things feel more clear and/or calm let me know.

Meanwhile... sending lots of love and I am smiling big here.. :)

Lisa

[Korneliusz]

Yes, the "noise" is somehow detached from a space within the body. More insight into what's going on around me. Stuff like that.