Are you afraid?

[Anki]

Hi Leo... what's happening?

Love to you,
Lisa

[leo17]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for checking in. I am still looking, but I got to the point where I had to see a therapist LOL. Not that its funny, but at the same time it is. My mind keeps "getting in the way" and going off on tangents on me. Sending me into mental and emotional whirl winds.

The part of this that is really throwing me for a loop is that I have "no control", because if I accept that, in my mind my life would appear to turn to crap, do you know what I mean? That is probably the issue, "in my mind". But its like there would be no incentive to take action in life. Why would I go to school, work, etc. My mind would just be like, "Ok, seeing I'm not in control what the hell is the point of doing anything?"

Anyways, this is where I am at. I want nothing more than liberation, and I remain very open to the possibility there is something to be seen which I have yet to.

Love to you as well,
Leo

[Anki]

Hi Leo... you whirlwind mind... :))

This may be a good place for a natural break in the action, then. While you sort things out, perhaps consider the gentle pondering of something. Consider that if indeed we are not in control of thoughts, feelings, events, then it has always been this way; we've never had control of anything. No change now just because we become consciously aware of it. Life continues flowing, uninterrupted. It simply does not need a 'you' or a 'me'; a 'Leo' or a 'Lisa', now or in the very next moment of now.

It never did, by design.

Please keep me posted on how you are. I am with you all the way to that liberation.

Much love!
Lisa

[Anki]

PS: Just now I happen to, by chance, run across the following. Seemed like a very nice way to re-say what I had in my first message above. It's from "Nothing Personal", by Nirmala.

"[Life] is up to something profoundly wise, something that can see that sometimes the shortest path between two points goes through hell - and sometimes through heaven. It has no preference for heaven or hell; it just sees where the unfoldment needs to go and doesn't hold back. That is what has been happening all along anyway. Has your life ever stopped unfolding in spite of how often it hasn't gone the way you wanted it to? It still gores, right? Something is steering it, unfolding it."

Yes.

[leo17]

PS: Just now I happen to, by chance, run across the following. Seemed like a very nice way to re-say what I had in my first message above. It's from "Nothing Personal", by Nirmala.

"[Life] is up to something profoundly wise, something that can see that sometimes the shortest path between two points goes through hell - and sometimes through heaven. It has no preference for heaven or hell; it just sees where the unfoldment needs to go and doesn't hold back. That is what has been happening all along anyway. Has your life ever stopped unfolding in spite of how often it hasn't gone the way you wanted it to? It still gores, right? Something is steering it, unfolding it."

So if I have no control I might as well completely stop trying to do anything whatsoever at all? I guess the problem is I am trying to solve this "problem" w/ my mind rather than just looking.

[Anki]

Exactly. Your mind trying to solve a riddle about 'itself'. There is no 'itself' called mind. You've never had control of anything and look how much has happened. Doing will happen. Without identification with a self it happens without angst.

The mind is but a conglomeration of thoughts. One after another added throughout life. A subset thought glob is the 'me'. How can something called mind that is not a thing, not capable of looking at or seeing anything at all, going to see there is no I?

Just like the thought of santa continues to come up throughout our lives even after we know it is not true, so does the I thought. No control here at all. Thought just comes.

Imagine life with no me looking out. What is that like?

[Anki]

Hi Leo... hope you are doing well.

love,
Lisa

[leo17]

Hi Lisa,

I am doing good. Just a little frustrated. I am not sure whether to back off on the looking or to go forward with it full force. I don't want to wind up 50 and finally see what could have been seen in 5 seconds right now. I feel I am stuck in needless suffering even though a lot of the time it isn't really that bad, just confusing.

Love,
Leo

[Anki]

Hi Leo... I'm glad to hear you're OK.

I am in agreement with you... every day you continue to invest in an 'I' will include needless suffering and confusion.

Shall we continue? If so... give full attention to this. If not, come back to it when ready. No need to be half-assed.

Thoughts come from nowhere; you've seen that. Look again, refresh your memory. Poof! they appear. Suffering, confusion are the the same as thought: come out of nowhere, because they arise out of thought. We don't let thought pass through, we latch on. We 'own' it as ours and then believe it. Same with feelings. We let thoughts (not accurate info) tell us what is accurate. Crazy.

No one is creating any of it, it is not accurate, but we believe it is ours, and even further, that it IS us. We become what we think and feel. We become an 'I'. BUT.....

How could a real being be created out of nothing, out of thoughts/feelings? It couldn't.

For you, seeing that the me is not there is not enough, right? Time to know the rest: not finding something that does not exist has not helped because you still believe the I is real, that it DOES exist.

You believe the thoughts and feelings are real things and that THEY are you, that they are the I that is you. Look at this.

What happens when you see this?

Love to you, Leo