Request for guide Moondog

[Andy Blackford]

Thanks very much indeed, Pete. I'll consider all this thoroughly (in a no-head kind of way!) and get back to you later today. If I haven't already made it clear, I'm extremely grateful for your time and understanding.
A x

[moondog]

It's been a real pleasure Andy.

And no rush, no pressure ...


Pete x

[Andy Blackford]

Dear Pete,

Here goes:

1) Is there a separate entity, 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No. I can’t find a Self in any of the places you’ve asked me to look. I don’t think it’s run away and hidden - therefore it was never there.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

There was a vague notion of a Self that refused to be pinned down, that defied description. I imagined it ‘from the corner of my eye’. I thought that I would be able to find it if I bothered to look (like thinking some old keepsake was in a particular drawer). But when I looked, there was nothing there.
I suppose that this notional self is a conglomerate built up of stories superimposed upon experiences, then reinforced by its own need to perpetuate itself, make itself concrete through ideas, tastes, opinions, the judgements of others…
In my own experience, the Self had become an imaginary whipping boy for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, guilt and anxiety. This was inevitable as it was expected to be personally responsible for everything and everyone it encountered. It was supposed to be the perpetual hero, and therefore doomed to failure.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

[When I use words like ‘I’ and ‘me’ in the following descriptions, they should be understood in a provisional, way, as shorthand]
I feel slightly foolish (but in an indulgent, compassionate way). But mostly I feel a lovely sense of relaxation and freedom. As if I no longer have to answer to an insatiable, ultra-competitive, paranoid tyrant. I feel a lifting of my default emotion of lurking dread – yet curiously, this isn’t accompanied by any sense of feckless irresponsibility. I feel just the grand expanse of Life without the imposition of a magnifying glass, hovering over ‘my’ little patch in the tapestry.
The old frame of mind still reasserts itself quite a lot, but I think this is just the habit of decades. Once I re-focus on the new revelation, it evaporates again and the feeling of lightness returns.


4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It was quite a gradual process, with no Eureka! moment. But the truth of it was reinforced by some deep (unobstructed) meditations. And by a vision, a sort of grasping of how volition and moral improvement could work in an entity without a Self – through the beginningless and endless workings of pratitya-samutpada. See next answer.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for?

The working out of ‘choices’ and ‘intentions’ happens as the inevitable consequence of an infinitely complicated net of circumstances and influences and experiences. This has no traceable beginning: but things couldn’t have turned out in any other way than they did. This does not seem to conflict with the idea of ethical progress – it’s just that the mechanism for this progress is not just ‘me’, stood at a simple A or B crossroads conveniently erected just for myself by a considerate universe. There is no ‘me’, just the vast and unfathomable rolling forwards of Life, of which ‘I’ am a tiny constituent element. And although things could not be any different, this does not mean that I am absolved of moral responsibility for ‘my’ actions: it’s just that the causes of those actions are extremely complicated and intricate. Each skilful and unskilful action is the concatenation of a billion influences and experiences and feelings. I can’t explain it any better than that, but I think I know what I mean.

6) Anything to add?

Only that in my previous practice, I was always encourage to do certain things – puja, meditation, the Metta Bhavana – because they afforded glimpses of how an Enlightened person would behave or experience things. Absolutely nothing wrong in that – a good strategy. But this state seems like an inversion of that process. When I’m in my ‘place of realisation’, all of the practices and formulae of the Dharma seem inevitable consequences of that state – it’s instantly clear that they’re the only way to behave. It’s as if the process has been reversed.

Pete, that’s the best I can do. I could still do with some discussion on the moral responsibility question, in case you think I’ve got the wrong end of the stick – but that’s how I intuit it.

Sorry (as always) to have taken so long.

Love,

Andy

[moondog]

Hi Andy,

Thanks for your replies which I've submitted to the guides.

So far, one guide would just like clarification where you say in your answer to Q5, "this does not mean I am absolved of responsibility for 'my' actions". She simply wants to know whether you just mean 'relatively' as opposed to 'ultimately' (in the Buddhist sense of those words). Could you please either confirm that, or say more please Andy.

Pete x

[Andy Blackford]

Thanks very much, I'll do my best, Pete. As you know, the ethical responsibility issue was an early source of confusion for me. I'll get to grips with it as soon as I can and reply in full tonight. Can you help me understand this 'relative' 'absolute' distinction? I'm not sure exactly what she means.

[moondog]

Hi Andy,

Ok, so to clarify, the guide says that what she means is that you might feel you still have to take responsibility for your actions (relative truth) but actually, the reason you will carry on being ethical is all the conditions that make that happen (absolute truth). If there is no-self, no-doer, no-chooser, who is this "I" to be absolved of responsibility? That's what she want you to look at and confirm that this is your understanding too, or comment further.

Pete x

[Andy Blackford]

Brilliant, thanks Pete - helps a lot. Will be back to you this evening.
A

[Andy Blackford]

The guide says that what she means is, that you might feel you still have to take responsibility for your actions (relative truth) but actually, the reason you will carry on being ethical is all the conditions that make that happen (absolute truth). If there is no-self, no-doer, no-chooser, who is this "I" to be absolved of responsibility? That's what she want you to look at and confirm that this is your understanding too, or comment further.

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Thanks, Pete – and Other Guide. I see what you mean. This has cleared things up for me (as Pete knows, it was puzzled me from the start). It was never a real problem, only an intellectual one (although it didn’t deserve such a respectable description).

I just needed to see moral improvement, and the feeling of responsibility for it, in the same light as the rest of experience.
I needed to surrender the wrong view that it was somehow a private issue, acutely personal and to grasp its real nature as one element in the vast process of Life unfolding. And now I have, the feeling of relief is palpable.

Just a couple of observations: the effect of this has been a very noticeable change in my demeanour – a lifting of my habitual anxiety and pessimism, of the feeling that I was always running, one step ahead of an avalanche. Leaping blithely to another metaphor, I feel as if I’m surfing on the edge of breaking time, not caught in the doldrums of the past, nor overwhelmed by my old fear of the future. It’s exhilarating – and while I’m sure that my old mental habits will continue to pop up and catch me unawares, at least for a while, I only need to remind myself that I’ve woken up and all that was part of a dream.

I also feel a great sense of gratitude to you, Pete, and to the people at LU – especially my two friends in Cambridge who edged me towards this illuminating process (you know who you are!)

[moondog]

Hi Andy,

I'm happy to be able to tell you that the guides have no further queries and are now satisfied that you have seen through the illusion of a separate self

I'll now get in touch with LU admin to get you 'turned blue' and they will be contact you with invitations to the various groups etc. The groups are friendly, helpful and supportive, for those, like you, fresh 'through the Gate', and for later on. You can, of course, always contact me about any of this whenever you want.

I've really enjoyed guiding you and playing my part in helping you see through the illusion of self. It's been good fun and I've enjoyed getting to know you.

Go well Andy

Pete x

[Andy Blackford]

Thanks again, Pete. I feel really confident that the ice has begun to break up. I get the feeling that this is only a beginning and that I'll progressively come to revise my attitudes and behaviour and my Buddhist practice in the light of this newly illuminated vision.
Love,

Andy x