Requesting a guide please

[jima54]

Hi Fred,

I'll work on this and send later today.

Thanks,
Jim

[Freddi]

Thanks for letting me know, Jim. Take your time, no rush ;-)
Fred

[jima54]

Hi Fred,

Here are my answers.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No there clearly isn't. Only mental images and sensations of a self identity are detected and now seen for what they are. When combined with awareness they were a convincing illusion of a real self. Now, experience does not seem to be centered around a "Me" but is a constant everywhere.

Disclaimer: I continue to use the word "I" throughout this, it seems a bit tiring to try and avoid it in dialog.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion consists of "Me" thoughts mixed with varying levels of awareness as self consciousness. The thoughts are of several repeating types including: Jim the Stern, Jim the Child, Jim as Father's Voice, Jim as Mother's Voice, and other variations. They were very close, so close I couldn't see them. Throw in some awareness and it seems very real. Awareness adds the element of closeness and intimacy to many things including these thoughts. As for when it starts I'm not completely sure. In terms of a lifetime I guess that these thoughts are formed at an early age as a result of people around you using these labels and the child adopting them as a means to organize, understand, and protect. My current experience is that I see the sense of self starting to try and reassert itself in times when events aren't aligning with other thoughts/expectations that I still harbor. Now, it quickly passes.

I have had a fear of heights for many years. Last week my wife and I took a tram ride to the top of Cannon Mt. There were moments when identity started to reassert (image of Jim scared and a heightened sense of self consciousness) and the first pangs of fear could be sensed. But very quickly they subsided and disappeared giving way to an enjoyable ride to the top and back down without any hangover or second thought.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

At first there was a sense of weight being lifted and an emptiness where my head used to be. Now feelings are just normal feelings but with a tendency to rise and resolve more naturally without leaving any residue behind. There is a feeling of "all is okay". The frustration that came from resistance to what is happening right now is largely missing. Everything was an internal fight before, creating a lot of physical tension and an "I must prevail" attitude that put me at odds with a lot of things. Now, there is a sense that all is one thing living, not a bunch of separate things. There is also a sense that there is no longer a center to the experience, where life used to seem to revolve around a "Me".

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Looking started the first part of July when I was traveling and read "Gateless Gate Crashers". I applied some of the questions and starting looking. There was some clarity, probably mostly intellectual, then when I realized that our identities are nothing more than a concept. I sought out the forum and began to dialog with you. What tipped me was the exercise I described in my post for Aug 20 where I took a hard look at the sense of "Me" and clearly saw the difference between the conceptual images and labels and what is really happening right now. It was also clear how concepts and awareness get entangled to create the illusion. It was much more an experiential than intellectual event. The last couple of weeks this has been tested over and over by you, I go back to look again and see the same thing, a lot of concepts floating around while reality keeps doing it's thing. The value in the past few days has been your push to keep questioning each assumption so as to not take any one of them for the truth of what really is.

The past couple of days I have been questioning the most basic of my assumptions like: am I really sure I'm sitting on a chair. Looking at the sensations experienced and the automatic assumptions that immediately accompany them. Admitting that I'm not really sure that I'm sitting on a chair and that the sensation (eyes closed) is all I can really be sure of is a little daunting at first with a fear that the organization of my environment and my mind will fall apart. But then I see that the organizing concepts aren't going anywhere, I just became closer to life as it really is playing out right now and the concepts are still there only not as the pretender to reality. You get to have both!

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I don't see a central command anywhere making decisions. In fact sometimes I even see action first and then a thought about the action following close behind. One big concept is around morality and ethical behavior, doing no harm etc. and that if "I" am not vigilant and control my behavior I will do wrong. This was also a binding concept in my case. Now watching the different actions I take throughout a day it seems like a natural process of simply responding to what is going on right now. The responses are appropriate by themselves and the experience of taking action doesn't seem centered around a "Me". This actually feels a bit like a blessing that life is making good choices by itself and that I can relax into the process. There isn't any problem with this now.

When standing in the closet to select something to wear thoughts are flashing by and there may or may not already be a reaching for the selection. The choice happens and the body moves or the body moves and then the choice seems to happen, not sure exactly which is the case. There is an assumption that a choice was made. I don't see the decision point or the decider, it feels more like a pull or attraction between here and there or this and that.

I am COO of a manufacturing group of four companies here in Florida. The pace and the number of interactions on a wide variety of topics that I experience every day is high. Creating direction now feels more like a flow of activity than like a series of decision points. We are in the process of creating a strategic model for the group and we meet twice a week to step through a multi level process to describe the top defining concepts down to the action requirements. This can be an arduous process of making many decisions in a short period of time. Now, the process seems to flow. It is as though the answers are obvious, they are right in front of us, there is no decision to make. Of course the business exists to make money, put it down. Of course you need good people to run a business, put it down. Yes, customers want good product at reasonable prices, put it down. There really isn't a lot of thought going into this, it's more like stating the obvious where the answers are laying all around us, even at the more detailed levels. The others in the group seem to automatically move into this and a previously difficult and potentially contentious process has become basically an experience of easy flow.

I also see that when the thoughts around a perceived decision point get more attention that the sensations afterwards many times include some form of regret as though something is wrong. This is a signal that concept overrode reality somehow. The thoughts create the decision point, there really isn't any decision point.

6) Anything to add?

That this forum exists and that you appeared and assisted me with this inquiry is truly a treasure, so I want to thank you for that. I hope to still be able to have some environment that helps me keep questioning even the most basic assumptions. There are still quite a few to deal with as they come up but the die has been cast on seeing.

Thanks,
Jim

[Freddi]

Thanks for your detailed responses, Jim. I will now invite other guides to take a peek at our conversations, to make sure we've covered all angles. They may or may not have further questions.
I'll be back in touch shortly.
Warm wishes,
Fred

[Freddi]

Hi Jim
Three other guides have found your answers very interesting and clear. There are no further questions.
I will now send you a private message to let you know what comes next. Check your inbox!
It has been a real pleasure and privilege to accompany you in this exploration. Thank you.
Warm wishes
Fred