Is there a feeling of ‘I have lost it here’? If so is that thought again? Is it possible to actually lose it? Look. Is ‘it’ an object that can be lost? When this does show up – go into it like any other sensation that arises. What is underneath it?
Initially, yes, there was a feeling of "Oh no, I lost it." Not so much now. It mostly seems to just be flat out forgetting what I’ve investigated and seen.
I don’t think it's possible to actually lose it. . .it certainly seems possible to momentarily forget though! ha. It seems to be just regular day-to-day sort of things – and mind seems to take over. I know it’s not taking over, thoughts are just showing up – and then remembering happens again, at some point – but in the meantime, the knowingness of no self seems to be missing!
So then Hilary – some final questions. Take your time with these, there really is no hurry. Try and answer as fully as you need to. Ill then have a look and see if anything needs looking at a bit more. Then pass them to other guides to check Ive not missed anything. Does that sound OK?
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. There is no separate entity that’s a me that’s separate from life, there’s nothing in my brain, my stomach, my eyes, etc. that is a separate self, separate from life. There’s no place, inside or outside of my body, where a separate self could be located.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the separate self is the illusion that there is an entity, a "me", a personality that is a separate entity that is responsible for keeping it together, getting things done, making choices, taking care of life, making it run as smoothly as possible -- this illusion is also the sense of feeling like one has to push against life and figure things out, make things happen, get it right -- just so, etc.
It seems to start when we're young and I can see the practicality of this – for the sake of communication, moving through day-to-day life. . . I can see, in my own experience, that this sense of separation is the cause of mental suffering. Even seeing what I see now - and I can honestly say, no matter what --even if it's years from now, if someone were to ask me where the "self" is, I can't find it - but still, even seeing what I see now, it's such an ingrained/engrained :)
I see it now as thoughts. Plain and simple. I love the university analogy. It's just thoughts claiming ownership. And, so what? Thoughts say all kinds of things all the time.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
As of this week (and maybe the week before, too), I actually feel slightly apathetic about it. I had a couple of blissful moments prior to this dialogue and also at the very beginning. I know that I want to continue to listen to/read/watch things discussing this - but it doesn't feel imperative. Now, I actually think it's okay if thoughts of a "me" come up or if I have big long bouts of forgetting what I've seen--I also think it would be nice to deepen this seeing. I prefer seeing it to the alternative. But either are fine.
Seeing that there's no control, on my part, or anyone else's part has been lovely!
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I think the final thing was seeing that there's no free will from a more graspable perspective. Realizing that even choices arise from nothing, my preferences arise from nothing – and even if preferences and choices appear to arise from something else – THAT something arose from nothing, and so on. . . it’s just happening. And if I were to trace any action or choice all the way back to the beginning, I can't find someone deciding it on its own, making it happen in a way that's separate from life. And even writing this now, I paused to make sure I really feel this way about what I'm writing! But, yes, this is how I see it now. This whole things is slippery for my mind -- but I can take anything - "Why did I stop typing for a moment?" "Why am I doing this even?" "What made me decide to pay attention to the sound of the cars driving by?" Anything.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
No. It frequently appears that way . . . but it’s not the case. I may think I receive an impulse or a prompting from myself but, again, that just arises and happens – and even if I can trace it back to something, and keep tracing it back – at some point, it become clear that is has arisen from nothing. It just showed up. Period. I can’t
explain it – but I see that this is what happens. The two biggest examples from my experience are:
A) a relationship in my life where, prior to this dialogue and looking, I would have normally created drama because I had expectations and would have thought I could/should control what happens and/or would have thought the other person should control what happens on their end, what they do. This is gone, for the most part and it's GREAT. I really like this friend and I want to give them the space to be exactly the way they are (and I have no choice in that really, anyway) and I know that they can only do things when they end up doing them and not a moment sooner.
B) another relationship in my life where I realized someone is possibly a pathological liar (or close to it). I see this all very differently than I would have before. . . I don't feel a need to "make them see what they're doing!", "call them out!", none of that. It is seen clearly, I cannot control it and I see that this person cannot even control themselves to stop (and may not even see it!)- they will stop when they stop (if they ever stop). I don't need to DO anything and couldn't anyway. End of story.
6) Anything to add?
Well, I know you're going to run this past other guides and I'd like to thank you for that and everything else you've done with me here! I know you may ask me some more questions and I welcome that. Just want to make sure I say thank you to you!! xoxo
