Dridhamati - will you be my guide?

[Jai Ananda]

Hi again,

So grateful I can access this from work. I work for the government and often sites are blocked. This feels of utmost importance in my life right now.

I went back into the posts so I could clarify something, and copy and paste some of your comments to reflect on today. I then saw on my post at the very bottom "I am" and have no idea where that came from. (I could create a whole story that my ego/false self is fighting to exist.???)

I want to clarify that I felt confused this morning in waking up, not in response to your reply. I felt such an expanded feeling yesterday morning that there was this disappointment this morning of not feeling that . . . my mind/brain(?) was busy (I think all night). I think I was hard on myself for my struggles, and the tears this morning were part in response to your support. I did tried this morning observing the senses and perception of struggle as I layed in bed, but it seemed to be "me." I could see this yet not distance myself from the stories/thoughts very easily.

I will respond more later.

with serenity, Jai Ananda

[Jai Ananda]

Hi again,

I am having some strange experiences. I just wrote another long response and it is gone. I will write again in a word doc. and paste in.

Jai Ananda

[Jai Ananda]

hmmm . . . maybe posts sometimes take a while to be posted. I wrote again in a word doc and came back to site to post, but now I see my posts are here so I will leave it at that.
Back to work . . .

[Jai Ananda]

Please accept my apologies for my grammar at times. When I do go back to read posts I see typos, sentences and words that are not correct.
with humility

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

Reading your response for some reason brings tears, not so much sadness (but there seems to be some), but more like a letting go. I think the struggle of "control to understand" verses the "noticing the direct 'raw' experience" is somethign for me to keep working with.

This inquiry can produce jarring effects at times: there will be challenges to deep seated views. Fear might even arise.
Take as much time as needed, and please do not hesitate to ask questions when in doubt.

All the best
Dridhamati

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

Hmmm. It looks like there might have been a little hiccup with the website. I answered your post from an hour and a half ago, and when the answer got posted all your subsequent posts appeared.
I'll read them now and get back to you.

All the best
Dridhamati

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

I then saw on my post at the very bottom "I am" and have no idea where that came from. (I could create a whole story that my ego/false self is fighting to exist.???)

But as you say: it would be just a story, well observed.

I did tried this morning observing the senses and perception of struggle as I layed in bed, but it seemed to be "me." I could see this yet not distance myself from the stories/thoughts very easily.

Looking forward to reading more about this.

All the best
Dridhamati

[Jai Ananda]

Hi Dridhamati,

Long day for me so just able to sit at computer and respond. This may be a shorter response, but lots whirling around.

This morning was a challenge and continued through the first half of the day as I kept bringing my perception back to “direct experience” through the senses. At one time in my office I felt like I might jump out of my skin trying to handle my work so I got up and took a walk – which was great. I was able to just perceived nature and watch the thoughts want to create (justify?) a reality and/or story in relation to “I.” I was amazed at how much assumption, thoughts and judgments were just below the surface. As I eased into just “experiencing,” the time seemed to flow, observances of people and nature were gentler with softer edges and it was like being ‘part of them’ instead of ‘observing from.’ I did then return to the office and focused on one job to completion the rest of the day.

It is late here so I am going to bed and will have to finish responding to your inquiries tomorrow evening. I have meetings from the morning until afternoon, but might try to sneak a check-in before I get going in case you have any guidance. I do find this exploration a little difficult to balance with the “I”dentity I have at work . . . will explore that more tomorrow as the day unfolds.

With gratitude, Jai Ananda

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

I was able to just perceived nature and watch the thoughts want to create (justify?) a reality and/or story in relation to “I.” I was amazed at how much assumption, thoughts and judgments were just below the surface. As I eased into just “experiencing,” the time seemed to flow, observances of people and nature were gentler with softer edges and it was like being ‘part of them’ instead of ‘observing from.’

This reads like excellent observation.
One point in particular: “...and it was like being ‘part of them’ instead of ‘observing from.”
When you recall this specific experience, or repeat it, please try and locate a “self”, an “I”.

I do find this exploration a little difficult to balance with the “I”dentity I have at work . . . will explore that more tomorrow as the day unfolds.

A little pointer here: simply observe this work “I”dentity as yet another 'experience' that is perceived, this time via the 6th sense (the mind). Do not resist it, allow it to become.
After all it is 'needed' for the job to happen. This work “I”dentity is part of the story that is called “work reality”. As long as you 'realise' it is just a story, there is no need to “I”dentify with it (“you” are not “your” job.) The job just gets done.

All the best
Dridhamati

[Jai Ananda]

Hi Dridhamati,

Okay, back to a few comments and questions from previous posts.

Jai Ananda wrote: 1. why it is called a mug? I do not know except from a learned thought
2. what “makes” it a mug, what gives the mug its “mug-ness”, its “essence of mug”? The thought of warm liquid ready to be sipped
3. put some water in the mug, and place some flowers in the water, has the original “mug” been altered in any way? Maybe not the item, but the perception and relationship is different.
4. Break the mug (drop it on the floor, hit it with a hammer, whatever), is there still a “mug”? It is in pieces and no longer holds the perception or sense of a mug.
That's the gist of it, good.
Now can you see a constant in the answers above?

Yes, I think seeing the object as separate without 'direct experience' comes from a perception that is influenced by past beliefs, teachings, labels and judgments forming stories that are followed with emotional programs.

Taking 1. and 2. particularly. Does direct experience tell you anything about what is being observed? If the 'thought' was omitted, what would you be able to write about this exercise?

Maybe, with the sense of sight I would write about the experience of the presence of an object that could be anything. (Is that still conceptualizing?)

Now this exercise can be tried with everything that reaches the senses. The touch of the rain, the taste of tea, the sound of music or birds.
Simply observe the process unfolding: sensations, conceptualization, etc. Then make a note of the experience alone, stripped of any conceptualization.

I have played with this a bit over the days. This evening I did this walking – noticing as I walked the habit to label the plants, trees, clouds, rocks, path, field . . . a sense of containing them within a perception that creates a separation. I stopped and tried to just experience. It felt a lot like mindfulness practice, but deeper. At times I shut my eyes to stop the subtle thoughts and be more in tune with other senses (smell, sound, tasting, and feeling). When I was able to just experience it was almost like things came to a standstill and there was a brilliance experienced. As I walked on I would lose it (forget?) so it takes effort to “remember” and not fall back into habitual patterns of labeling or separation.

Jai Ananda wrote:Yes, "I felt much more sensations/energy than identity or I"?
Instead of feeling like a defined being - me, I felt like a body of energy and could feel different sensations happening and moving through. I observed and was able to be clearer with what I was experiencing and there was a sense of letting go and just being with what is.
This reads as if you were particularly connected with the actual experiences, and much less invested in the thoughts going through the mind. That is what direct experience is essentially about.
What is also of import here is the observation that 'you felt less of an identity, an “I”.' Can this [less of an identity, an “I”] be observed also, say looking at the mug above or listening to a bird, in direct experience?

Yes, I have had glimpses of this. I would like to keep exploring this to not only last longer, but to incorporate more in daily activities. It almost feels like I could not do that and function.

One point in particular: “...and it was like being ‘part of them’ instead of ‘observing from.”
When you recall this specific experience, or repeat it, please try and locate a “self”, an “I”.
A little pointer here: simply observe this work “I”dentity as yet another 'experience' that is perceived, this time via the 6th sense (the mind). Do not resist it, allow it to become.
After all it is 'needed' for the job to happen. This work “I”dentity is part of the story that is called “work reality”. As long as you 'realise' it is just a story, there is no need to “I”dentify with it (“you” are not “your” job.) The job just gets done.

This addresses my comment above, “It almost feels like I could not do that and function.” Your 'pointer' is not making sense to me in this moment, but let me sit with it and explore over the next few days. I am finding that if I take some of these guidance pointers, note them down and have them in front of me it begins to slowly sink in.

With gratitude, jai Ananda.

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

The inquiry is moving along very nicely.

Yes, I think seeing the object as separate without 'direct experience' comes from a perception that is influenced by past beliefs, teachings, labels and judgments forming stories that are followed with emotional programs.

That's basically it.
Note that 'direct experience' actually happens: that is how the physical/mental organisms called 'Jai Ananda' (or Dridhamati, etc.) relate to their environment.
This stage [direct experience] is simply ignored or bypassed, for the much more “entertaining” and “satisfying” one of conceptualizing, but is does occur.

Maybe, with the sense of sight I would write about the experience of the presence of an object that could be anything. (Is that still conceptualizing?)

Try this: what, in direct experience, informs that it is even an 'object'?

I have played with this a bit over the days... As I walked on I would lose it (forget?) so it takes effort to “remember” and not fall back into habitual patterns of labeling or separation.

This is very good work Jai Ananda.
Years of habitual patterns are unlikely to disappear overnight, and that's just the way it is. However, like sports training, the more it is done, the more natural it becomes.

Yes, I have had glimpses of this [I felt much more sensations/energy than identity or I ]. I would like to keep exploring this to not only last longer, but to incorporate more in daily activities.

What I am pointing at here is:
when observing the environment in direct experience, what happens to this sense of “self”, of “I”? Can it be located anywhere?

It almost feels like I could not do that and function.

Perhaps not now, perhaps not yet. What lies in the future is unknown. This is a normal reaction: fear that 'everything around Jai Ananda' is going to collapse.
Remember: direct experience happens regardless. It is simply hijacked by the 'conceptualizing mind' in order to 'function' in the daily world.
All that is done here at the moment is slowing down the process, allowing the observation in direct experience to regain its 'rightful' place.
Nothing is actually altered in any way.
For example: just because direct experience can't 'tell you' it's a mug doesn't mean you'll never be able to drink from it any more, does it?


All the best
Dridhamati

[Jai Ananda]

Good morning,

I am at work, read your response (thank you), and copied some pointers that I printed out to reflect on and practice today. Also noticing the experience of fear that I will not get this and being okay with that, yet an awareness that when I said that "I would be okay with that" I am experiencing an increase of energy of panic. All in a day's exploration - a bit unsteady.

Back to work and will respond later.
with gratitude, Jai Ananda

[Jai Ananda]

Hi Dridhamati,

Not much to say right now. Did not get too much of a chance to explore today . . . the day kind of flew by, I guess got a little lost in work. In the morning I remember walking the hallway and not feeling separate from the busy work environment and then the meetings happened and the day slid by. I almost feel like I missed the rest of the day . . . not sure where my presence really was!

When I got home I did go biking and explored trying to see where the "I" was but struggled with that. As my legs moved and pumped it felt like there was a 'me' doing it. If I did not push down with my foot then it wouldn't happen and the bike with me on it wouldn't move . . . I know this isn't right and experiencing a sense of discouragement tonight.

Feeling it is best to go to bed early tonight and start again tomorrow.

with gratitude, Jai Ananda

[dridhamati]

Hi Jai Ananda,

When I got home I did go biking and explored trying to see where the "I" was but struggled with that. As my legs moved and pumped it felt like there was a 'me' doing it. If I did not push down with my foot then it wouldn't happen and the bike with me on it wouldn't move . . .

Appearances can be deceptive.
Indeed it may look like "you" are pushing the pedals, but what is the basis for this? Science itself is showing that the decision process isn't quite as we thought it was. Decisions are made before any conscious knowledge of them arises, and it can take seconds for the "I" or "self" to hijack and claim them. A Google or YouTube search on 'how decisions are made in the brain' reveals some shocking results.

A similar experiment can be made at home: stand straight with your arms down along your body. Then think: 'I am raising my left arm now' and wait a bit for something to happen. Then repeat this several times.
Please report on the results.

All the best
Dridhamati

[Jai Ananda]

Fascinating - "I" can not do it.
Off to work. Another day to explore and experience. Will write again.
With gratitude, Jai Ananda