Looking for someone to lead me home

[Jakobo]

So, I have spent a lot of time today looking into this and there is still very much a sense of an observer observing sensations and so on. But what is gradually seen is that this so called observer is always late to the action. Not questioning this it feels like there’s an observer observing life directly as it unfolds, but when looking closely there is stuff happening and what could be called the observer is a memory or thought (maybe only a millisecond after) about what happened.

At least that’s how I think it is. It’s like it takes a lot of effort and concentration to really look closely at all of this, that when I think something is seen I’m not really sure if it’s coming from the mind or not. I’ll continue to look into this. And try to relax… :)

[otterrivers]

Yeah. :). Seems like your doing good. When you say there is a sense of an observer observing, really check and see if this is true! Is that the actual "sense" or is it how habitual thinking "makes sense" of what is sensed, after the fact? :)

"It feels like there is an observer observing life". Really? Look at the direct experience. There is just what is, right? Is the idea of "observer, observation, observed" anything other than an idea? This "feeling of an observer" is a feeling, right? Some feelings may come to have been labelled "observer" or "me" over time, but look at exactly what they are: body feelings? Habitual thinking? Observing the feeling in the foot, or the corner in the room, or the tree outside, ... Can you find any ACTUAL difference between these appearances and the observation of them? And if the observing and observed are really the same happening, what happens to the notion on "observer"?

And "At least that’s how I think it is. It’s like it takes a lot of effort and concentration to really look closely at all of this".
Don't worry just look. No real concentration or effort needed. If it is mental thoughts coming up, this also is noticed right? Just notice what is true in the moment. Before the "after" thinking comes in and sorts it all out.

Ok keep going. And keep relaxing. Enjoy! There's no "you" to get it right. A flower just blossoms as it does. There's no inner being pushing and pulling the flower petals open! :)

[Jakobo]

Ok, it’s all been a bit hectic today so haven’t really had a lot of time to look at all of this. Just now sat down twenty minutes to settle down and do a bit of looking and it was really nice. It’s a lot better and more relaxed to just sit down and have a look at what is happening instead of thinking that you are going to meditate for twenty minutes :)

Just sitting down now I got the feeling that I’m almost never present and aware of what is happening. It relates to what I wrote yesterday about the observer being late to the action. That’s where the attention almost always been and it becomes really obvious when you have those short moments when your present, that you almost never are that – present – in life. Instead the attention is on the interpretation of what’s happening. Or just happened…

So yes, the notion of there being an observer fades away when looking closely at what’s happening. But I’m a bit afraid to write this since the feeling of there being an observer is very strong and I don’t want to mislead you to believing that this is seen clearly. There are these small pockets, fragments of seeing when thing feels clearer than ‘normally’.

It’s funny – it’s so obvious that you have to be present to do some real direct looking – but still you can become so utterly confused over this the most simple thing.

[otterrivers]

Look again at this "feeling if there being an observer". It is seen that this is a feeling right? But I ask again: is it really the feeling of being an observer? Feel it. Describe the feeling to me. In terms of direct sensing. I mean tell me where in the body, and what kind of feeling.

[otterrivers]

Really feel that feeling of "I must try hard to be present". Describe the feelings in the body that accompany this thinking. :).

[Jakobo]

Have to confess that I couldn’t resist watching the World Cup now – Brasil against Mexico, a good game! :) I’m gonna look more closely at this “feeling of an observer” and report more about it later. I’ll have time to check in tomorrow again, but then I might not be able to write anything again until sunday or monday. I’ll be going away with friends and family to celebrate midsummer this weekend. But if I’ll have time and opportunity I’ll check in to give an update. Anyway…

Some initial thoughts. All my life there’s been this assumption of there being someone ‘inside’ the head registering what’s happening. Therefore at first I would say that this feeling of an observer is in the head, the brain. But looking closely at what’s happening there is only seeing happening. Writing this now I even feel unsure of there even being any special feeling or sensation related to this “observer”. There are thoughts or some kind of mind-process obscuring things and strengthening the feeling of an observer. But when those are seen for what they are and stripped back… what’s left… Hmmm there’s not really much left. Can’t really say that I find feeling or sensation that could be attributed to an observer. Hmmm… interesting.

Will continue to look at this!

[Jakobo]

Really feel that feeling of "I must try hard to be present". Describe the feelings in the body that accompany this thinking. :)

Tension.

[otterrivers]

Sure. No hurry. Enjoy.
Yeah. Keep checking whenever you remember. This chronic muscle tension, tightness, feeling of holding on or grasping at something. This is a feeling too which is observed. So it's definitely not the observer then, is it?!?! Haha. You see my point. Ok yes. Enjoy soccer and enjoy your friends and family. Talk to you later! :)

[otterrivers]

Sorry I mean "football" not "soccer" lol. Only Americans call it soccer, right?

[Jakobo]

Sorry I mean "football" not "soccer" lol. Only Americans call it soccer, right?

Yep, exactly! Soccer what!?! You should be glad I’m not from England lol ;)

I’ll continue to look at the observer and the feeling of the observer. But yes, when investigating it’s obvious that there is no observer and no feelings that could be contributed to one, even though the initial feelings/thoughts say so.

And I’ll go back and re-read the latest posts again. They’ve been helpful when it comes to going from what could be called “intellectual looking” to more direct looking.

Thank you for continuing to clarify things! :)

[otterrivers]

Sure. Take your time. Really read my last few posts and look at actual experience (so you know you can't go wrong. You always ALWAYS know that what is experienced, is experienced. It's only what it MEANS that is flimsy and prone to error.)
And answer when you've got a real stuck point or conclusion or some clear point from which to respond.
Enjoy Jakob!!!

[Jakobo]

So, just writing now to say that I’m still here. I don't really have anything new to report. It's just been full-on the last couple of days which seem to be making it more difficult to look and investigate into all of this. This is something that is felt to be annoying. “Everyday living” and this investigation doesn’t always seem to go hand in hand. Any thoughts or words regarding this?

Anyway, at least I’ll have some more time this weekend to sit with all of this. But whenever remembering happens looking will continue and I’ll report about it :)

[otterrivers]

Any thoughts about that? Yes! Don't even try. Haha. Don't even try not to try. Live it. Don't worry about getting lost in daily living. Honestly, living mindfully rather than lost in forgetful drama seems much better right? But we've already seen that there's no little guy inside at a control center who steers the body and mind and is responsible for all repurcussions. Haha. Just chill out. When selfing habits (thinking or acting on behalf of an imagined separate being) inevitably cause suffering mind will return to investigation. Upon investigating it is seen again that this is just life with no central being. No others or self competing. Just this knowing of what is now. And then forgetting happens again when it does. Maybe this goes on forever or maybe it's a process leading to less and less suffering. Be curious. Just check it out. :)

[Jakobo]

Haha yeah you’re right. Thanks for pointing out the obvious (although that might be the easiest thing to overlook). And yes, I can see the judgment that is made thinking that living mindfully is better than being lost in story-lah lah land.

It seems the mantra needed to take to heart is to simply chill out. That sounds nice :)

[Jakobo]

Ok, I haven’t written anything in a while. It felt pretty good there and the investigation felt effortless, but then it became very hectic a work and a lot of other things came up and… well, I simply got caught up in it all. And I wanted to have something to report about before posting, but I don’t feel like I have anything new to convey.

Hopefully things will settle down a bit and the effortless feeling regarding this inquiry will return, but yes, I have seen that there’s no one to control this.

Take care!