1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. I can't find a separate experiencer in 'myself' or in 'others'. If there's anywhere it's 'experienced' it's only as a thought.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self seems to be a misconception fundamental to the core of mind. It's reinforced by language and can be deeply engrained in our human psyche.
The illusion itself suggests that we are separate entities who are only the life in the body and without the body would not exist.
Anyways it probably starts at an early age in childhood from learnt behaviours based on language and social cues from caregivers and other older children who've learnt to identify as a 'self' separate from a 'you'.
It's not actually real, but thought - using language, form this identity of a 'self', and our whole belief systems we acquire are built on flimsy foundations of illusion. The most subtle beliefs that hold onto this illusion of a 'me' are often hidden behind that which would threaten my 'identity' as ‘I've known' it. What I mean is that there's belief structures which have been believed in for so long, it would seem that they are fundamental to life itself - to the ego/self, and fear often arises when one begins to question the reality of these beliefs. These are the beliefs that are most uncomfortable to look at, because the reality of the self starts to become seen through.
Its only reality is in thought. The separate self is an illusion which preserves itself only when you believe in thought. Without mind identification, you can see that it’s just appearing in thought using language to suggest that there is a ‘me’ and there is a ‘you’. It operates on attention being hyper localised into the body+location and will use thoughts about how there is a ‘you’ in relation to all the ‘other’ subjects, whether that be other ‘entities/things’. Narratives will often form in the mind which include these ‘others’ replaying interactions with them in memory, born out of fear as it’s almost assessing what it means for your status/survival.
Resistance can come up in the form of physical sensations like tension or pain, but again when looked at closer, there is no beginning or end to the sensory input, and the experiencing of it is seen to have no boundaries.
The 'self' only seems real in these moments when I haven't realised it's a thought suggesting 'i'm' over here having this experience. I've also noticed it latches on to 'conflicts', ramping up thoughts that say when something is a 'problem' or someone is being 'problematic'. It uses this as a way of sticking it's hooks back into awareness, as a desperate attempt to distract oneself and reinforce the illusion. (Not sure if this has gone into philosophy lol)
It's usually the more emotionally charged situations where thoughts can become sticky as attention seems to be more fractured, therefore more likely to miss the 'seeing' and more susceptible to believing the thought. In recent experience, clarity has increased and there's been more willingness to LOOK through all of it. The separate self is seen through more often now as just mind activity, and the quiet is becoming more trusted than the chatter.
Although subtle, these thought patterns can lead to feeling distant from everything as a separate self in a constant struggle to uphold it’s own illusion, seeming ‘apart’ from experience. Sorry for the essay, just thought I'd cover as much detail.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels more simple. Before it felt more like this big mission I was embarking on and having to "Deconstruct my self" but now it feels more straightforward and less like a task that 'I' have to deconstruct 'myself' because there's no 'I' to do the deconstructing and the 'myself' is just thought. Before we started this dialogue I was still maintaining a identity that was somewhere in space and time on this path, and there was more resistance to letting go of the narratives/beliefs I was believing in. Now when I read these pointers there's much more of a willingness to go straight to where the identification might be forming and look at it. Although it can feel like I react and get lost in thought time to time, it's lessened a lot and sight/senses often absorb attention as the fullness in them is becoming realised.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look? Was there a moment of shift with a distinct before and after?
Not sure on this one. It feels like it's been happening in increments of deepening. I think identity started falling apart with the initial illness and then when my dad died it made me look through intense pain, as if it was happening inside of that which is aware which holds everything. That felt like the crack in the dam, where I noticed a subtle sense of peace underneath everything. The times where I've felt like I'm dying also made me look closer into what is it that's holding on.
If I was to say the last bit that pushed me over, would probably be recently there's been a 'giving up' so-to-speak, where there's been a relaxing of effort and need to go anywhere. The mind still wants to plan ahead and think of a better future, but it's now being seen through more and more!
Can't say I've had just the one moment/shift that's had a distinct before and after, but I have had some weeks where it's just dawned on me how different the world looks in the same places, and how absorbed in the senses I am. Things look brand new! I've noticed this a lot more in the past few weeks, where I'm in awe by the details in walls and trees, seeing beauty in the most deprived parts of town. This shift is one that's been deepening since our dialogue for sure, and I also noticed a shift when I was reading your pointers on holiday last year, noticing the stillness and flow in one moment. When you pointed to past and future only being thoughts, it clicked in some part of me, and the timelessness has been getting clearer since then.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Consider and describe each if these separately.
Damn you're throwing me in the deep end here :)
Decision = Something that seems like a choice between actions that you then make. However this appears in thought as if there is different decisions that you can make, but the one decision 'you' do end up making, was based on every variable that led up to the point of 'making' the decision, and so there wasn't really a choice to begin with hahaha. This get's to me lol
Intention = Is what attention is focused on. However there can be an underlying aim and then attention veers off after focusing on the aim. So maybe intention is both aim and attention of the aim for it to even arise, as if there's no attention on the aim then it's not in experience?? - This ones hard
Free will = There isn't free will as such. You have an awareness that could believe in illusion or realise it's true nature. But either or, it didn't decide one day to exercise it's free will to break the spell, the true nature realised itself and illusion dissolved itself because it was ready to do so. The conditions were right so to speak, like a flower blossoming because it got enough rain and sunshine. Why did the flower get enough rain and sunshine? Not a clue mate. But it certainly didn't happen cos the flower made the executive decision to blossom today :D
- I'd say free will is actually handing over your individual will and having it 'free'd'. Sorry again going into philosophy lol
Choice = Similar to decision, a choice is what seems like an option in thoughts that will turn into an action.
Control = Is also illusion which would suggest that you are responsible for the way things play out in life.
6) What makes things happen? How does it work?
Not got a scooby lol. Fields of energy vibrating in infinite potentialities. Don't think words can explain what makes things happen, they just are. It's incomprehensible. Things happen out of virtue of what they are. Things arise in experience and dissolve back into experience, whilst being of experience the same time. Experience seems to be orchestrating itself and experiencing itself at the same time.
7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Picking up my dog's sh**. Sorry hahaha couldn't help myself. But okay using that as an example, 'I' as the human with a pet dog living with societal norms makes it 'my' responsibility to pick up the poo. But this is still only viable in thought. Yes, the physical form who refers to itself as 'I' picks up the dog litter, and feels a responsibility for that, but this responsibility is only made up of conditioning and mind made constructs. So you can take the 'I' away as it's just an automatic process that is playing out of picking up the poo, then you could say there isn't any responsibility for anything. It just is what it is. I is not there to be responsible yet the 'acceptable' behaviours of how to live in a society arise and take responsibility by themselves, there's no I to take ownership of that.
More recently we spoke about identity clinging on to still feeling some responsibility in helping my mum become more conscious. This feeling of responsibility only exists in thought, which upholds the illusion that there is a person who needs to take control of the situation. So yeah, it might 'feel' like it's my responsibility as a loving son who wants the best for his mum, but ultimately this belief in separation/illusion where I'm taking myself to be someone based on concepts. If there is no one to begin with, then there can't be anyone to take the responsibility. Not that this means I'll be a twat to people and blame it on awakening and that we don't have any control, but more so it's that the action that is taken gets taken when it needs to and if it doesn't then it doesn't, and didn't because that's what arose in experience.
8) Anything to add?
Hmmm, maybe that there's an underlying feeling/thoughts of imposter syndrome. Like if you asked me if I'm enlightened I'd say not yet. But at the same time, experience has such a new level of depth to it that I can only liken to experiences of taking psychedelics and being immersed in the present moment. The recognition of there being no separate entities seems like it's becoming clearer but is slower compared to the rest of the shifts I've noticed. Thanks again for all your guidance I really appreciate it! <3
Best
J
