So many different glimpses, so little shifts

[luxapro]

Hey! No worries, the practice is changing a lot. Likewise! :)

I've noticed a lot of things, too much trying to wake up and such, which by themselves are just causing friction and contractions.

Most of my practice has been a curiosity of what it is that experiences, what is this mind, life, existence, etc. But now also letting go of all of this, as this is all doing that seems to be creating illusions.

It's like I want to wake up too hard. Questioning stuff all the time and trying to see things as they are by default always seem to create a watcher etc.

I feel like for right now, I wouldn't need a guide as I don't believe it would 100% match my vibe if that makes sense. I don't know, what do you think?

Would love to join! :)

[luxapro]

Hello again, I would like to try again. With 100% full force to go through this. I don't know why it didn't really work last time but I'm willing to start over if that's possible. :)

[Ilona]

Great to hear!
Ok, We can continue.

Where are you now?
What is unclear?
What are you looking for precisely?

With love.

[luxapro]

Awesome thank you so much, glad to be talking with you again! :)

Right now, I've been asking questions, I've come to a more clear although conceptual understanding of how all of this works. (something like having an experience of clear seeing and then understanding what's going on)

What is unclear is that the thoughts with I are still very binding, there hasn't been a release to the identification. The seeking mind hasn't stopped. I would assume this comes from the belief in the separate self, and that belief is specifically what makes the "I" thoughts seem real. I've asked questions like who is talking to who, and it's such a funny one to really look at. Like what is going on in there :D

I'm looking to see through the illusion for good, or more like stop believing in the separate me. There have been moments when this is more clear, like just yesterday I had the realization of wait, why is there a belief in a separate entity, like it's ingrained in everything. But it doesn't have to be. Like there's the belief in that but why? or more specifically can I just let go of it. And that's probably why I'm here again. I trust that when that is seen fully, there will be no more seeking. And the truth will be clear as day.

The truth of that is what I'm looking for.

[Ilona]

Awesome, thank you.

Yes, you can not let go of it. There is nothing to let go of.
To check that look here now, right now. What is here?
Are you doing any of it or are you seeing what is here?
What are you holding on? What is there to let go of?

and look at the seeking energy. What is going on here? Where is it looking for answers? The only place to look is here and now.
If seeking energy is looking for answers in the mind, bring it back to the presence, to the actual experience of being present. Let is look for answer here.

What is found?

With love

[luxapro]

Yes, I've been watching your videos with Jim, and one thing that's seeming to open up more clear seeing is the pointers to seeing if I'm in control of anything. This is working for the first time actually. Where when the looking to breathing or anything to be fair its more clear now that it's just happening, so focusing on seeing that seems to be fruitful.

What is here is what is here. Including the stories that I'm doing it or can or can't do something.

Am I doing any of it? With closer inspection not, but if not looked at it'll seem like it and its believed. I can't of course, when looking, say that honestly. But when not looking, it seems like it's done by me. Therefore looking is something that's focused on.

Am I seeing what is here? Of course, but with closer inspection it's not true to say that I'm seeing what is here. It's more like what's here is here.

What am I holding on to? What is there to let go of? - Nothing but its intuited that the seeing needs to go deeper, in order for the process of me-ing / owning this will ease and not take ownership anymore in a way where this becomes the assumed reality.

and look at the seeking energy. What is going on here? Where is it looking for answers?

It's looking for answers in the mind by default. The thoughts are here. But they are believed in often, when the seeing of there not being a controller is not there, and that's when the hypnotization is working.

What is found? There's seeing, head turning, toes flexing, fingers typing, tasting. And when these happen, when looked at, it's more clear that they are just happening, and it's addictive to see that. There's thoughts wanting to seek the no controller thing. :D The seeking energy is guiding me to look at if there's a doer in anything.

[Ilona]

Thanks for reply.

Nothing but its intuited that the seeing needs to go deeper, in order for the process of me-ing / owning this will ease and not take ownership anymore in a way where this becomes the assumed reality.

What is that takes ownership?
Describe the process of taking ownership, what happens and how?

The seeing goes deeper, yes, but what you see right now is it. Take it as that. What needs to be seen is already here right now. There is no more to it right now. And stuff gets revealed in due time.

Also, define reality. What is reality in your own words as you see it.
It’s good to be very clear about that.

As for controller thing, can you loose control if you never had it?
And what are you in control of right now? Actually look.
Are you controlling the stream of information coming in through perception channels?
Are you managing colours, sounds, sensations, emotions, thoughts? If so, what precisely?

Explore this and write when you have looked.
With love.

[luxapro]

What is that takes ownership?
Describe the process of taking ownership, what happens and how?

There is no thing that takes ownership, sometimes a thought says "mine" in one way or another and often there's an accompanying sensing in the torso area that feels like "me" but is a feel like any other. For some reason it's taken to be related to "me".

Also, define reality. What is reality in your own words as you see it.

In this case the assumed reality is like the story. When something is assumed to be real, it feels as if it was the case, until it's not. Reality is what is. But assumed reality meant what is somehow assumed to be real even if it weren't. Like a me for example.

As for controller thing, can you loose control if you never had it?

Well, that's impossible. But in the default way of experiencing, it seems as if there was control. Then comes the thought or energy that says "hey, I'm not controlling let's look at this" and then the seeing of no control comes or doesn't come, it depends. Often times it comes but not in an absolute way as I would assume that would do the job.

And what are you in control of right now? Actually look.
Are you controlling the stream of information coming in through perception channels?
Are you managing colours, sounds, sensations, emotions, thoughts? If so, what precisely?

In terms of the senses or what is, which is what I'm looking at for the perception channels, there is no controlling, the sense of controlling comes from the attention moving, which happens by itself, but when not clearly looked at, the sense of doing it is taken to be the controlling of perceiving it.

Things just happen like biting the lower lip in a way that feels enjoyable, and it keeps going, it arises unconsciously, it happens automatically.

The funny thing is: what's most personal is the seeking, that's what is hiding the most underneath. It produces I would say most of the sense of controlling.

Seeking is what produces the first movement of energy that then creates the story and illusion of control. And it's present when trying to see that there is no control because of the trying. It's the one "action" that taints/contaminates the following happenings with it's personal seekery. It's like a paradox, it comes up and then tries to see how it comes up.

[Ilona]

Thank you

Let’s start from definition of reality. You say reality is what is.
Ok, what is?
Let’s say reality is that which is not imagined. There is no such thing as assumed reality, we can simply call it a fantasy.
It is crucial to recognise what is real and what is imagined.
What is here without imagining?

Take your time, don’t give me answers, give me descriptions of what you see.
What is?

Seeking is what produces the first movement of energy that then creates the story and illusion of control.

Are you controlling seeking? Or is it something you see that arises? Is tension of effort a verification of controlling? Or is it too something that arises and goes away, something that you see?

What is here without ideas of controlling? What is here without any ideas? And are ideas controlling reality?

Look deeper here, spend a whole day contemplating.

With love.

[luxapro]

Yes, will do, thank you.

[luxapro]

Here’s just some of what I see & what is:

Thoughts & images, sounds, pleasant warmth, enjoyment, sensations moving, the body moving, trying, remembering, frustration, thinking, doubting, listening, the word ”birdsong” and some images of birds, moving images of the head & eyes looking. Image if your face. Thinking of what should I say here. Sensations of expanding and returning in the stomach area. Typing. Hearing, listening, imagining the motorway, typing, hearing the sounds of fingers typing, feeling the fingers typing, looking, thinking. Hearing, seeing & feeling the moving image of a fly bouncing in the window. Seeing an image the head, typing. What’s here is what’s here, even the imagining is here.

I’ll return to the other questions later.

[Ilona]

That’s great! And there is also beingness. Knowing of existing.
As simple as that-
Are you aware right now?
Do you need to think about this or is it obvious?
Is it ever not here?
Sense of being is unchanging and what you described is a flow of aliveness, the changing.
There is both.
Notice that.
You can rest in the unchanging as that, and see everything come and go.

[luxapro]

Are you controlling seeking? Or is it something you see that arises? Is tension of effort a verification of controlling? Or is it too something that arises and goes away, something that you see?

I'm not controlling seeking, but most of the time if "unconscious" of mind, it feels like that. The effort also is just arising. Only experienced. This is becoming clearer which is great.

What is here without ideas of controlling? What is here without any ideas? And are ideas controlling reality?

This was hard, asking these questions really didn't do anything but cause frustration and trying to remember so I didn't pursue them more. I was often sitting there like "what the fuck was I supposed to look at" XD

I'll keep looking at the automatic arising & passing of everything. It's fun, and seems like it's not yet completely realized.

That’s great! And there is also beingness. Knowing of existing.
As simple as that-
Are you aware right now?
Do you need to think about this or is it obvious?
Is it ever not here?
Sense of being is unchanging and what you described is a flow of aliveness, the changing.
There is both.
Notice that.
You can rest in the unchanging as that, and see everything come and go.

I feel like the only way I can get to "resting in it" is when I ask what is existence.

"resting in being" for me is just a recipe for disaster, the mind will go is this it is this it, and try and try and it's just a mess.

Essentially, there's no need to think about it, but it's not obvious all the time either. It's always here but thoughts can seemingly hide it.

[luxapro]

As I’ve been sitting here, especially with sounds, it was quite clear how there’s no one hearing, just the sounds. And the hearer and the heard were part of the same thing. The hearer is the same ”changing” as you called it. And the experiencer of that is not there, yet the experience is.

[Ilona]

Nice. Yes, the experiencer is in the changing.
The seeker is in the changing too.
The seeking for something else arises. But attention can always be returned to here and now, the present experience that is here. And here there is nothing to look for, everything is in the open.

I hear you about a difficulty with resting in being. Until there are all these programs and beliefs running, the mind will feel noisy and it will be difficult to focus. It’s a gradual process with an occasional glimpse. And you can trust that all is unfolding as it should, one step at a time. What helps is letting all be as it is and continuing noticing what is here. With an attitude of “So be it” and “thank you”.

Here is a question for you to play with- what is not going by itself? What is not just happening by itself? Find that out.

With love.