Request for a guide

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Jodie
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Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 5:38 am

My life is turning inside out since reading Jed McKenna's books a few months ago. I took DMT (sapo) a few days ago and felt like I died. Excruciating for the ego. Since then I see it (ego) trying to re-establish itself all the time. To grasp onto anything intense and own it. Yet, I also see there is no one to do this.

I've been meditating daily and sitting long silent retreats (Goenka vipassana) for the last 12years. I see the belief structure I maintained as a buddhist meditator was a massive barrier to the truth.

Jed opened my eyes and made different thinking possible. The sapo ripped through and shattered what I thought was me into infinity. I'm not sure what now. I see doubt. I know it's a thought, yet I want to own that thought... doubt seems so familiar... it goes on.

Help!

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 7:52 am

Hi Jodie,

Welcome to LU!

Same story here, I read Jed mckenna and that shatered my castle of bs. I also felt I died on some magic mushroom trip good few years back. Searching for truth led me to realisation, that neither self, nor ego is real. Nothing dies, nothing gets destroyed or lost, only beliefs. Which is not a loss at all.

Let's see where you are. If I say, that separate self is an illusion, there never was a self, there is no general manager of Jodie's life, what comes up for you?
Describe sensations, write what thoughts show up.

Kind regards.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 8:10 am

I feel there was general manager of 'Jodie's' life. But poof... the managers gone.
Then there is a queasy feeling, that maybe I'm missing something. Like, it can't be that simple. Just like a magic trick, it's gone. And then I notice the queasiness is just queasiness, and the thoughts are just thoughts and I could come to an end like the worm that's being devoured by a kookaburra (a bird) outside my window and there'd be nothing wrong with that.

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 8:23 am

Yes, it's that simple. No need to complicate the simplicity of what is. It's here now, as this, including all. It's plain obvious.

Describe what you see, what is here? Is there a doer, a thinker, a liver of life? Is there an entity inside the body feeling sensations? Are feelings happening to the I?

Write more!

Sending love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 8:37 am

Thanks Ilona :)

A liver of life? That's interesting. Somethings living, but it's not me.
Wow, I think I just met something else. Some tears. Things are pulsing.
It is eyes, ears, nose and all that. A creature really. How could I have missed that? It's been there all along, this creature.

When did that entity that claims ownership of the sensations start up? Why did it start? Guess it doesn't matter really. Knowing doesn't serve any point.

With regard to the simplicity, that's where the little entity (although it seems like a stinking rat now and nothing like a 'me') scurries back in. Maybe there's some beliefs I haven't let go of. Like life's meant to be difficult, a struggle and you're meant to work hard meditating and being a 'good' person for eons of lifetimes before you're free and all that bs.

mmmm... belief = me. Rat = belief = me
That's simple. Was always good at maths :)

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 9:12 am

Have a look- is there an entity or thoughts ABOUT an entity?
Can a thought think?

What do beliefs stick to? Is there an owner of beliefs?


Keep writing!
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 9:28 am

yes, there are thoughts about an entity.

Beliefs feel very sticky. It seems hopeless, the thinking, the believing.
Even writing this I notice 'myself' needing to keep something together. To get it right. not lose control. Fear

a thought thinking is doing my head in. Am I wearing a new belief? One that doesn't believe?

All this madness, what's the point. I don't want to crack. I want to hold on.

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 9:46 am

some more...
a thought thinks, there's no one thinking. Belief's stick to nothing.
It is simple. An entity that finds this complicated is a creation.
An illusion

Thanks Ilona

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 10:45 am

Take a look, where thoughts come from?
Are they coming from another thoughts?
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:00 am

no, they come from nothing and fall back to nothing

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:03 am

Yep..

Have a look, of thoughts come in bunches or one thought at a time. Can you stop a thought from coming, can you stop it in the middle? Can you know what the next thought will be before it shows up?

Write what you notice about thinking. Is there a thinker? Or thinker is another thought about a thinker?
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:15 am

things have gone very strange. like a melt down, blown a fuse of something. I'm sweating and heart racing...

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Jodie
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:34 am

It's like 'I' has been caught with it's pants down.
Like the games up.

The charlatan's magic potion is just coloured water.
Thought's come in one at a time, attention can be diverted from them to something else, even half way through. The thing that does the diverting, the thinker, has a thinker, which has a thinker, which has a thinker...

The next thought is known when it's known and not before.

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Ilona
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Re: Request for a guide

Postby Ilona » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:46 am

Let all that shows up be ok. It's here to be seen, all is part of the process. Trust that all is unfolding naturally as it should.

Watch attention form minute. How does it move? What makes it move? Focus on the focusing itself. Is there a focuser?
Is there a watcher?
What do you find?

Sending love. .
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Jodie
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Joined: Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:12 pm

Re: Request for a guide

Postby Jodie » Sun Apr 05, 2015 11:56 am

Ok, trust feels good. Thanks

attention moves rapidly, jumping from one sensory input to another.
There is just focusing
There is just watching


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