Ready to let go

[albanygal]

Hi everyone, I have been seeking pretty much ever since memories as a child began. (now 54) In the last 10 years my journey has been shared with my dear friend Rhonda, we have shared our explorations with Tony Parsons, Jeff Foster, Scott Kiloby and others. When I visit Melbourne I always go to meetings with Bob Adamson.

About 5 years ago there have been a couple of times when it has been seen clearly that there is no I, lasting for a few days, however the sense of a separate “I” came back to claim the experience. Its like thoughts have dominate and are the filter through which life is experienced and despite numerous inquiries looking for the I with Scott Kiloby’s UI, it still seems like there is a separate I here, doing thinking etc etc. It seems as though thoughts are created from or by a me, and there is a separate I here, hiding somewhere deep within the body, in a secret location, I have looked and cant find it, but it just seems to be there.
It also always seems as if there is a script somewhere of how life should or could be, but where is that, just an idea. (written earlier today)

However, after listening to some of the audio on your site today, it suddenly seems obvious that experience is immediate and now, always present, fresh even, nothing gets in the way of the experience of life now, its totally effortless… how could there possibly by a me who is somehow behind the scenes experiencing or filtering this! Its like seeing, hearing and thinking just happen. It’s feels like a breath of fresh air.

But, I want to be thorough and would really appreciate any support this forum can provide because mind is very tricky, especially in relationship, and that life should be a particular way and I can feel its still there.

Much love, Debbie

[Metta777]

Hi Albanygal, I would be your guide if you like. We have certain agreements that need to be met by seekers. 1. commit to daily messages. 2. Open mind and set aside any preconceptions and present practices for the moment. 3. Answer my questions to the best of your ability and as in depth as you can. Let me know if you would like to start. Regards, Metta777

[albanygal]

Hi Metta777,
Thank you for replying.
I can commit to daily messages, being open minded and setting aside present practices and answer your questions as honestly as I can.
Please note other guides, I chose to join this three on one group, so if anyone else thinks they can assist, your questions would be welcomed.
Cheers, Debbie

[Metta777]

It also always seems as if there is a script somewhere of how life should or could be

Exactly, an imaginary script, thoughts, labels, ideas, conditioning to react, think and be a certain way which started a long time ago. Do you think you are a static being? An "I"? Who is that " I " Describe the "I " in as much detail as possible. Are thoughts, ideas, scripts, programming " I "? Where do the the thoughts go, where are they from?
Breathe deeply twice, is that the "I"? Are the sensations of sight, touch, smell, the " I " ? What if a person goes blind? Did they lose their "I" ? Part of it perhaps? Who is aware of being aware? Who is watching the watcher? You do not exist. Describe any body sensations or feelings that come up with that thought? where are the sensations located, what do they feel like? In as much detail as possible, answer these questions and advise me where I might find your "I" . Take your time with your answers and answer as directly as possible. Warm Regards, Metta777

[albanygal]

Thanks for your reply, still working on answers as I want to give it full consideration. Shouldnt be long now.

[albanygal]

Do you think you are a static being?

Yes, it does seem like there is a static I that is the real Debbie/me/I. Its a vision that instantly pops up with every I ME MY thought. The image of Debbie changes depending on the emotion or situation. Happy, sad, rejected, fed up, sister, mother, partner, friend etc etc etc.

I noticed this afternoon when the thought arose…. “I remember… (something)” it was like an image arose simultaneously and that is where the thought is coming from (from the image), buts that’s not where the thought is coming from, obviously. And a bit later, the thought arose “I should be outside helping Rob (clean up)” A feeling of guilt is present and then an image of a me who is feeling bad. Is this image the real me? No.
Thoughts, ideas, scripts, programming are not the “I”, they are just spontaneous events, not the source of the I.

Where do the the thoughts go, where are they from?

Despite an intellectual knowing and some direct experience and many inquiries, especially recently, I am going to be really honest and write about this how it still appears to be.
Thoughts go into the image or form the image, or are part of the image, they come from a me, somehow existing as a solid separate entity within the body and observing life. Debbie who has likes and dislikes, preferences, judgements, things she does and doesn’t do, is good at and not so good at, should do things and shouldn’t do things, has dark curly hair, fat tummy, aging, sometimes looks ok, other times old etc etc.

Breathe deeply twice, is that the "I"?

No, that is a function of the body, something that happens unconsciously but can happen consciously, but the I doesn’t do the breathing.

Are the sensations of sight, touch, smell, the " I " ?

No, but the I is what is interpreting sight, touch, smell.

What if a person goes blind? Did they lose their "I" ? Part of it perhaps?

No, going blind makes no difference to their “I” at all.

Who is aware of being aware?

Very difficult to answer this one, its still (frustratingly) like there is a primary me, but its clear that there is awareness of the whole of life happening here now, so perhaps its not limited to the body, but then again it must be from within the body (thought I just heard)

Who is watching the watcher?

Cant say there is a who, maybe it’s the timeless/ageless me that is the watcher. Noticing and remembering this life of Debbie.

You do not exist. Describe any body sensations or feelings that come up with that thought? where are the sensations located, what do they feel like? I

YOU DO NOT EXIST when this question was first read yesterday, there was a shaky feeling within the body but I didn’t write it down. Today there isn’t really a reaction because its obvious that I am here. How about I try saying “Debbie does not exist”… now a bit of sadness, shakiness in the arms, wonder.

Despite all the inquiry, there is a feeling that I am the one doing the looking, but then I am not an image, but still feels like its me doing life hmmm. What am I missing?

t also always seems as if there is a script somewhere of how life should or could be

[albanygal]

Since the post earlier, thoughts have been going full tilt, complaining about the way life is, its like there is a screaming, angry, writhing self within, just beneath the surface, but look again, what is really here, a body calmly sitting on a bike riding up a hill, pedaling happening, nothing more, apart from the image, there is no one here, am I that image, or the feelings of resistance, how would this image or feeling possibly be able to perceive everything else that is around. OMG I am not the voice in my head!

[Metta777]

This is good,you see the dissonance between what the body is doing and the images that pop up in your head. The screaming,angry image is the ego and it doesn't want to let go control. The past is dead, it can't be changed, it is just a story you tell yourself. Most ego's develop a pain body and become attached to that. So the story may be painful or happy depending on your direct experiences at the time. But it's over,gone and ask yourself, if those past experiences are the " I " ? I compare it to a dog bringing in a dead animal and munching on it. It tastes so bad, yet the dog will do it because it doesn't know. I chewed on that for sometime myself. :-) There is no future as you can't exist there, it is only in imagination. So, if there is no past and no future that are real, where does that leave you? Is direct experience happening the " I " ? Is life just happening? Are you your thoughts? Warmly, Metta

[albanygal]

ask yourself, if those past experiences are the " I " ? I

It appears right now that past experiences are thoughts that are known as memory, passing thoughts and images but they are not the I. Through the unfindable inquiry, I have been able to see that feelings and sensations have been unconsciously accepted to be the I, but its really just a feeling that is so familiar, it has been mistakenly seen as "the I".

There is no future as you can't exist there, it is only in imagination. So, if there is no past and no future that are real, where does that leave you?

Since yesterday, the experience of this here now is becoming more obvious. When thoughts and images appear, they are known not to be the I, the seer. That leaves me with what is happening here and now, which has always been the case anyway. Its becoming obvious that I am not my thoughts, life is happening, thoughts are happening, feelings are happening, sensations are happening but they are not me.

There has also been a glimpse that 'others' are also just thoughts and images appearing now and a sense of being out there isnt so sharp. My relationship with my partner has always been a great button pusher, part of the script of how life should be instantly pops up. Was wondering if it would be a good idea to make this unconscious expectation of how it should be, conscious by writing about it.
Thanks so much for your support, it feels as though a shift is happening. xx Debbie

[Metta777]

The scripts are for motion pictures. ;-) Drop them. It is going really well. Yes, other's don't exist either. The only reason anyone can push buttons are because we have a story ready about those buttons. We are already set-up with preconceptions, expectations and projections. Our now selves are all we have, the buttons are meaningless, they mean what we tell ourselves they mean. Your partner is only in the now. If ten people see the exact same event, every one of them will see it differently. Is there an " I " in memories that just happen and are gone. Shoulds, are expectations, not real, illusions. Relating to your partner only in the Now, dropping all labels, shoulds, expectations, the past and any illusionary future will significantly change the relationship. Can you find an " I " anywhere at all ? Look deeply, watch your breathing at the time and any sensations you might be having about non-existence. Luv, Metta

[albanygal]

Hi Metta,

There is still awareness of the feeling that “something isnt quite right about right now”, that has been around most of my life, experienced as an intensity of heaviness, tiredness, lethargic (it is humid too), everything feels like a big effort to do, maybe it could be called a resistance to what is. There is a wanting it to go, but also an allowing it to be.

It is easier to see that thoughts are not thought by me, so any thoughts about the situation are just images and words appearing. Being in the now with regard to what appears in relationship, and also i what I am doing is easier than it used to be.

I havent been able to find an "I" anywhere, but still there is something aware of all this, and its like the habit of giving attention to thoughts has been seen through, but still there is a sense of a solid self that is aware of this here now, that keeps seeing all the stories appear and then fall away when they are seen to be just that, a thought appearing now.

Do you have any suggestions about this weary and heaviness?

Much love, Debbie

[albanygal]

As this is a three on one forum, is there anyone else who would like to help out here.
Much love, Debbie

[Lindafin]

Hello albanygal

Let’s see if I can help…

Since the post earlier, thoughts have been going full tilt, complaining about the way life is, its like there is a screaming, angry, writhing self within, just beneath the surface, but look again, what is really here, a body calmly sitting on a bike riding up a hill, pedaling happening, nothing more, apart from the image, there is no one here, am I that image, or the feelings of resistance, how would this image or feeling possibly be able to perceive everything else that is around. OMG I am not the voice in my head!

Good work. You are starting to see. Please re read your post above and see where the shift occurred…between the story and the seeing.

Do you have any suggestions about this weary and heaviness?

As you said in your earlier post :

Its becoming obvious that I am not my thoughts, life is happening, thoughts are happening, feelings are happening, sensations are happening but they are not me.

Sensations arise and then mind labels them. Labels and concepts fuel our stories about a ME, I , MY, MINE.

Do you have any suggestions about this weary and heaviness?

Sit quietly. Close your eyes and LOOK at the sensations. Allow the sensations that you have labelled weary and heaviness to be there. Then please tell me what you see from direct experience?
Lindafin :)

[Bill]

just one thing for you Albanygirl..

Well its a very simple thing that needs to be resolved...
There is this thought, I,... and once you see that I is just a thought
And you see that thought itself does not think
It clicks!
Its very very simple.

Just kick this around for a while...

[albanygal]

Thanks so much for getting back to me. First Lindafin;
Just before the shift happened 90% of the attention was on the mental racket, when all of a sudden it was seen, by something, that all that was really here was what could be seen and sensations of the moment, and attention on the mental state just disappeared.

Thoughts are still busy as always, but they are much less believable.

Sensations arise and then mind labels them. Labels and concepts fuel our stories about a ME, I , MY, MINE.

It is much easier to see this, though not always.

Do you have any suggestions about this weary and heaviness?

Since this was posted about 24 hours ago, the energy has shifted back to a more 'normal' type of experience of life, so not sure if I can do this exercise now.

Well its a very simple thing that needs to be resolved...
There is this thought, I,... and once you see that I is just a thought
And you see that thought itself does not think
It clicks!
Its very very simple.

Just kick this around for a while...

Thanks Billy, its seen, including the thought about an 'I', or any other word, is absolutely nothing really, I have read it before, but can now experience the absurdity of a thought is not a thing.

Something is seeing how thoughts are what create the separation and old habitual scripts about 'my' life are still actively happening just the same, just not believed. Its like the reference to a story of me is still going on and life feels the same as always. I did get caught up in mental stories about my relationship last night, there is still some wishing it was different. Mostly am finding it much easier to stay in the now as suggested by Metta.

Many thanks, albanygal