Gateless Gatecrasher

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Ranj
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Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:26 pm

Holybooks.com + Gateless Gatecrashers = Here.

Hello.

Ideally it would be nice if IIona or Elena could walk me through this process (as I'm currently reading Gateless Gatecrashers and feel an existing open channel-like experience already taking place) - I'm patient, and so can wait for as long as it takes for either one to be available :)

Background:

So, at the age of around 19 (now 35) I have this - as MC Hammer once said, "You can't touch this" like experience, which is now recognised as being awakening/utter bliss, whereby there was pure silence and a real sensation of being outside of the body and totally separate from it, all teenage anxieties diminished just like that! However it faded as the day went on. It happened twice, both after a 'power nap' during the daytime. I had no knowledge of what it was (as i had no knowledge of Spirituality or Religion for that matter). It then happened maybe a year later as I was lost in composing some music with headphones on; the moment they were removed it was that same experience again - but again it didn't stick.

And so, another seven years are spent in turmoil, and then at the age of 27 I decide that I like reading (which was weird for me), and the book I'm drown to is one related to Buddhism. Anyway, at this point I would still regard myself a virgin (in the Spiritual/Enlightenment sense that is) and therefore was able to sit (meditate If you will) with ease and reach the point of the 'White flash', after which stillness and silence would run down the body from head to toe. However, again, before letting it become permanent I would do something stupid, i.e. let the sense objects lure me into their trap, meaning I would fall off the path on a number of occasions. Whilst in the meantime I read more on Spirituality/Enlightenment/non-dual shizzle (boy what a mistake, hence no longer a virgin). Of course, this led the bliss type experiences further away.

Now, today, there would be not much difference whether I chose to write here on this forum or not. In my humble opinion - iz at the Gate, knock knock!!! Just waiting for that push over the edgeless edge.

...so let the fun and games begin. I await your reply.

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Anki
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:28 am

Hi Ranj, welcome to Liberation Unleashed! I'll be your guide as Ilona and Elena are not currently available.

Great that you are reading 'Gateless Gatecrashers'. It really highlights what we do here.

Here's how things will go. I'll point where I'd like you to look, and ask questions about what you see. You look, carefully and for as long as it takes, then tell me what you see. That's really the heart of it.

Will you agree to be as honest as you can in your looking and your answers? And to post here at least once a day? If so, we can begin.

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:31 pm

Hi Lisa,

Yes to all the above! Ready when you are :)

Just one thing before we begin, if it's okay with you, can you tell me a little about yourself, and how and when you awoke? Its just so there's more of a connection between us and this process :)

Thank you for your love and time, look forward to hearing from you soon :)

Ranj

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:58 pm

Hi Lisa

Just read your post/thread with Vince :)))) how beautiful !!! That answers my above question and now I can kinda 'feel' you, as weird as that sounds :)

Peace

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Anki
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Thu Jul 26, 2012 9:16 pm

Hi Ranj.... love it that you read thread with Vince! I sometimes re-read it as it still amazes me how things went. Since that time it's truly been the biggest adventure of my life.

OK... we are now onboard together... super.

What are your expectations here, Ranj? What do you imagine will happen during this process and when you realize there is no "I", no "me"? Please give lots of details so we can both be clear about it.

And off we go!

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.

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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:38 pm

Expectations? The hope is that there will be liberation, as there was for you and others on here.

What do I imagine will happen during this process? That we will together settle the score and be rid of this endless 'wanting' of that 'state', i.e. the natural state of living in harmony with everything and not continuously feeling pissed off at the fact that I've experienced it a few times but then lost it and that now I know not when I'll have the pleasure of welcoming it back - for good.

Ideally, I would like it to be how it was when I was 19, it was amazing. But having said that I've since experienced it in different ways (what I would call, at a lower level/stage). What I experienced when 19 I can say was the real-deal.

However, to be honest, I'm kinda over wanting it to be like anything I have experienced before now. And I'm willing to put all that - and all the other crap I've picked up along the way - aside and start afresh, with you.

Once liberated I want to:

- be able to go out and get a job, something I haven't done for ten years - because of insecurities and not wanting to mingle with absent mindedness, whilst being absent minded myself; once liberated I wont give a hoot, I know this!

- stop with the "don't do this, don't do that" and know that I am bringing the kids up 'in-line' with 'the way' and not constantly worrying/stressing over how I'm bringing them up and how they will turn out.

- sit in ecstasy for hours on end reading Rumi and writing my own poetry/making music that which even the birds rejoice at hearing.

- smile at the thought of watching the body die.

- bring joy and happiness to as many people as possible whilst here.

- not worry what I look like (as in physically).

- not get totally ripped apart when loved ones die one by one around me.

- know I wont be coming back here.

- say, "FINALLY YES YES YES, THANK FUCK!!!"

Peace and Love ♥ ♥ ♥

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:46 pm

More on what will happen during this process (that is BANGS, CRASHES, ANGELS, SANTA ETC):

I've had experiences already in three different ways:

- out the blue, after sealing from power-naps

- a White Flash followed by stillness and silence running through the body

- and finally, observing it come on whilst reading a book called 'a dwelling place for wisdom'.

Ideally what would be nice to avoid :p :

- the palpitations and feeling of dying

How it feels it may happen now:

- an easy shift of perception/consciousness

But again:

I ain't holding on to anything!

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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:00 pm

Nice, detailed reply Ranj. Super duper!

Next is the releasing all of these expectations. You've gotten really clear as to what they are, and it is much more effective to just let them go. Set them aside, and if they pop up again, ignore them. They can genuinely interfere. Our process here together will be utterly unique, and that's important; expectations can muck it up. As for what liberation will look like for you, also unique. To expect it to be this or that can erode it. So let go ALL expectation, and watch for re-emergence so you can dissolve them.

While we are working here together also set aside any books, videos, articles, etc. It works best to simply focus on being guided, with the Gate ever in mind. However, YOU do not focus on the Gate, that is my job. I keep that constantly in sight and point. Your job is to look, and talk about what you are seeing/experiencing.

Agreed?

If so, here's my next question: What do you think 'I' is, this 'me' of a personal 'self'? Give me another detailed description, please.

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:54 pm

What do you think 'I' is, this 'me' of a personal 'self'?

Intellectually:

There's a knowing that 'I' is/am not the body or mind (thoughts). There doesn't seem to be much confusion about that, ESP as there has been up till recently.

Feelings/Emotions (mainly during silent/still moments):

There's a sense that 'I' just 'is', i.e. nothing. Again there doesn't seem to be much confusion here either.

I have read on many occasions on this forum Guides asking Seekers "how does it feel when I tell you there is no I and that you do not exist?" because I read it as though the question is posed at me, I tend to feel excitement in the lower part of the stomach, there is no fear.

Ego (general chitter-chatter):

When I asked "who am I" there seems, at this moment to be silence. Only a few days back the ego would throw up many words: 'body', 'mind' and other stuff which would be hard to make out but obvious that the mind's frequency was not that of silence.

However, during the day, the mind will often throw a vail over all the above, not making it evident 100% of the time that I am pure awareness, in that that hum/buzz is not there, nor is the 'expansion', and deep down in the subconscious there is still noise, can't always make it out but it's there.

Hope this is clear, somewhat for you.

And thank u, again :) x

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Anki
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:09 am

You're very welcome, Ranj... :)

OK... lots of thoughts presented by you about what you think the 'I' is and is not. So right off the bat I say... toss them. Set them down and don't pick them back up. They are ideas and ideas are just that: thoughts about something, in this case about what you do or don't think of as the 'self'. And just so we are clear about the things mentioned in your reply:

You aren't the body, mind,feelings/emotions, pure awareness, nothing, subconscious, or noise. The silence when you ask "who am I" is also not you. So, again, set aside all of this. It will just get in the way.

I want to ask directly, even though you've addressed it a bit: When I say there is no you, no personal self called 'I', what comes up? Give me lots of information, please.

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Sat Jul 28, 2012 9:30 am

It felt refreshing when you asked me to "toss them", it was like a great burden being lifted, the fact that I don't need to have any ideas about what 'I' is/am. Almost like a whole load of trickery has been found out about the mind, as it wasn't helping having those ideas - thank u ;)

They are still arising; but when let go of there's a kinda freshness, a not knowingness - which feels nice :)

"I want to ask directly, even though you've addressed it a bit: When I say there is no you, no personal self called 'I', what comes up?"

Aliveness! That feeling of excitement in the lower part of the stomach also. And a tingly feeling all over the body, like every cell has come alive. All this lasts only a second or two however. Nothing comes up in the mind when you ask that.

On the whole:

Since this morning, when I've questioned and looked at everything between us so far, I find myself in a place I would call 'the unknown', a kind of field/territory where I really feel I know nothing, and perhaps that there is nothing to know. It's an exiting kind of place, a place where anything is possible. Again, this is more evident when I 'look', something which cannot be done all the time throughout the day, for obvious reasons :(

On another note:

My dreams are currently more detailed and the imagery is much more vivid. It's like the more I'm pissing the mind off by unfolding it during the day, the more it's having it's wicked way with me at night whilst the guards down. Is this usual, have you or anyone you have helped experienced this kind of thing?

Hope this is enough detail, as there is not much more to add right now.

Wishing you a nice day, how can it not be where you live, you lucky thing! Mauli looks like an awesome place to be! Lol.

:) x

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Anki
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Sat Jul 28, 2012 9:58 am

Doin' good here, Ranj.

Now please use looking for the specific task for attempting to find the 'I'. Look for it ... is there a location where it can be found? Is it there, as a small entity of some sort? Look quietly, long and clearly. Let me know what happens.

Maui is wonderful.

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:29 pm

[I would like to point out something right about now. There was some confusion as to whether I was supposed to be looking for the 'I' thought or the 'Self', as in 'who am I']

So I looked. Spend 20mins in silence last night, with eyes open. I could see all objects in the room: TV, books, bed, curtains, wardrobes, shelves etc, it was evident that the 'I' was not anywhere external, in the room.

Then today, I looked for 30mins again in silence, with eyes closed. And again I could not find from where the 'I' arises or a location for the 'Self'.

The positives:

I am aware of this kind of direct looking/questioning technique but have always found it difficult to focus on the 'I' in the past. And even when deciding to join the forum I was really weary of having to do this process, because I found/perceived it to be hard. However, though I'm disappointed that I didn't realise anything more than what I mentioned above, there was however a fair amount of clarity in looking, whereby I was able to hold the 'I' thought for a fair while.

Also, there does seem to be a sense of 'homing-in', a closeness, a personal feeling, a sense of 'more of me', if that makes sense. There was also, I think, small moments where I felt I was 'hanging' without anything to hold on to.

Furthermore, when looking for the 'I', with the eyes closed, I was kinda monouvering around the body, placing myself in the leg, arm, chest, heart etc. For a moment it felt like the heart has a big part to play, though it wasn't evident exactly what that part is.

So far, I cannot locate the 'I', a though pissed off, I however feel there was some benefit in looking. I feel so close, yet so far in this process. The feeling of being miserable I think will remain until I don't make progress in nailing this thing :(

There was a slit second of questioning "what the hell am I doing", but I don't know whether that was so bad, because it almost felt like there is nothing to find/do, but again at the same time I'm like "no, there must be more clarity, I must go deeper".

How am I doing, help?

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Ranj
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Ranj » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:48 pm

I have a confession to make! After posting my replies, I tend to pop into your thread with JeffJ, simply because it started around the same time as mine, and the fact that JeffJ seems like a nice dude, ha.

Thing is, I don't know whether it's helping, or gonna make things more difficult for me - what do you think, should I put it aside, along with all other Spiritual stuff?

Cheers :)

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Anki
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Re: Gateless Gatecrasher

Postby Anki » Mon Jul 30, 2012 12:05 am

Yes, don't spend time with other threads on the forum, Ranj. The guides' pointings may or may not be helpful to you, and reading the confusions of others may just confuse you more, despite the truths they see along the way. So... focus just here.
I would like to point out something right about now. There was some confusion as to whether I was supposed to be looking for the 'I' thought or the 'Self', as in 'who am I'
Looking for the 'I' is the same as looking for the 'self', and it is NOT looking to find out what the self might actually BE, or the noticing that you have the 'I' thought. We don't care a whit about anything except this: Is there a self? Is there a genuine 'thing' called 'I' or 'me', or even Ranj?

What to do is look for it anywhere you imagine it might be. The thought is 'I am here, I am conscious, I am aware'. And we imagine that the 'I' in those ideas is a real thing, kinda like the body, in that we think this 'me' has boundaries, a beginning, an end, thoughts, feelings. We usually think of the self as being IN the body, and that it is what is feeling, thinking, moving the body, etc. Look closely. Where in the heck is this self?

Try it this way, and report back Ranj.

Lisa
Unleash yourself. Look, and look again. No self to unleash.


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