Who am I?

[beingbraden]

Hey Stacy, sorry I haven't checked in the past couple days

Is there any clear dividing line between them? Or only the Sensation with no clear division?

I will say that I haven't round any clear dividing line between them. Just paying attention to sensation means that all I feel is the sensation and the idea of dividing line doesn't really exist in direct experience.

Did you find this about "who am I?"

Yes, I read this again and it makes sense

Life has been a bit crazy for me the past couple days so I haven't had as much time to practice but I am keeping up with the ButtChair, and I feel like a side effect of all this has been that I am more present in everyday life, which has been cool. I am more often able to catch myself when I am getting swept up into thoughts.

Thank you

[Anastacia42]

That all sounds good.

We are looking for a shift in perception. It may be subtle. You can read Gateless Gatecrashers, downloadable from the Books tab under Resources here, for examples.

You're doing great. Focus on present & letting thoughts go. by.

Keep ]posting.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Theres definitely resistance to posting when I feel like I haven't made "progress" or seen anything new.

Today there were feelings of exhaustion and doubting my ability to wake up. Sometimes reading or hearing about other people's experiences triggers this feeling like I am not seeing this quick enough, or wondering if this is really going to work for me. I am trying to just trust in the process as much as I can and remind myself that if I stay dedicated that it will happen.

I had another mini realization that "I" is always just a thought. Its like I can catch it in its game sometimes. There was a moment where the thought "Where am I?" came up and then the immediate reaction was another thought that said "I'm right here". It's just a thought, nothing else.

I've been trying to just focus on direct experience as much as possible. Recognizing thought as thought.

I don't know if its because of this work, or just some life events recently, but emotions feel stronger and like I can't ignore them as much as I would before.

Reading Gateless Gatecrashers makes me realize that what I am looking for is really simple. I feel like I understand what I am supposed to be seeing, but I am still not seeing it.

Thank you

[Anastacia42]

You are doing just fine. Besides the fact that time is another story doesn't matter how long it takes.

I got it one person for 30 pages here in the forum and just couldn't clear the doubt. I ended up passing him to Vince Schubert and they got it worked out. Now he is teaching other people with his wife. Todd Lent and Pernille Damore. So you never know what can happen.

You are doing all the right things. You have actually had glimpses. You just need some trust.

Did I send you this guiding Angelo Dillulo did? Maybe that would be helpful.

https://youtu.be/fEv7UF8evQ4?si=0quQlOl6c4S5QvUU

I also have a dozen pointers in my Dropbox. Be sure to listen to the introduction.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ksba3zhi9uuz ... hsk1a?dl=0

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Today I was reading through our old posts again. Funny enough, I didn't actually catch exactly what the apple exercise was pointing at until right now. I always understood the principles, but I never actually applied them to the idea of "self". I tried the same apple exercise, but this time with a picture of myself. It seemed to stop a lot of thought and I was left with this feeling of emptiness in my body. I ran out of time to really sit with it, so I am going to try that again tomorrow.

Maybe this is a silly question, but is it fair to say that all the statements from the apple exercise maps one-to-one with the experience of self?

Is it fair to say something like:
"Thought about/of ‘self’ is known
Feelings labeled ‘self’ is known
But 'self' is never actually known since it is not real
All thoughts of the "self" are thoughts ABOUT something and not direct experience"?

I feel like I understand that, but there still hasn't been a shift. I guess I'm still engaging in concepts.

Did I send you this guiding Angelo Dillulo did? Maybe that would be helpful.

Yes, you sent me this a few days ago and suggested I watch it daily so I have been doing that whenever I remember to

I also have a dozen pointers in my Dropbox. Be sure to listen to the introduction.

I worked through about half of these, but I will pick them back up in a couple days when I get back home. I ran into a bit of frustration with them the last time I tried but I will try some of the other recordings.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Braden..

Is it fair to say something like:
"Thought about/of ‘self’ is known
Feelings labeled ‘self’ is known
But 'self' is never actually known since it is not real
All thoughts of the "self" are thoughts ABOUT something and not direct experience"?

YES!

That is the exact point of the exercise.

As far as the Dropbox goes. you have plenty to work with and you don't have to do anything that frustrates you, because we need you to stay relaxed.

Just watch for the shift.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Thanks Stacy!

Today has been very subtlety feeling into more self acceptance, recognizing that I am who I am and theres nothing I can do to change what I am doing in the moment. I guess its hard to explain. I like to think that there is still a concept of "improving" or changing as a person, but theres no point in regretting anything that happens because it couldn't have gone any different way.. But maybe this is all to philosophical.

As far as direct experience, I have been feeling a sense of ease and peace throughout my body when out for walks in nature or when I pay attention to my experience when I am by myself. Not much new to report.

Thanks

[Anastacia42]

Hu,

That's all good. Here's a way to focus on your walks

Nature Exercise

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

If yes, where is the boundary?

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

Loving

[beingbraden]

I have been busy with a work trip lately, so I haven't had time to step outside and do this specific exercise. I will set aside some time tomorrow and get back to you on all the questions, if that is alright.

What I have had time for is reading Gatecrashers at my hotel and on the plane, as well as noticing direct experience throughout my day.
I think I have had some more glimpses. Times where I can see through the self and notice that my thoughts are just thoughts. That I exist without thought. That "I" is not really real.
These are cool moments, but it feels like it takes effort to see these glimpses and they only happen when I am in a certain type of emotional/mental state. I always fall back to normal and get caught up in thoughts and my perspective doesn't feel like it has changed much. Maybe I am trying too hard to believe it, instead of actually looking.

Thanks

[Anastacia42]

Hi

Maybe I am trying too hard to believe it, instead of actually looking

Yes. There should only be looking. Anything else is thinking. See signature line below.

https://youtu.be/wyNwhK2Ur1c?si=TZwuFEst-7Hsadpu

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Here are my answers for the nature exercise

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

If yes, where is the boundary?

No. It’s all just things that I’m aware of

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

No. The mind fights against this and doesn’t want to give up its idea of ‘control’. The outside world is unpredictable and chaotic, if the inside world is the same then life just exists without a controller and I can't direct my life in the way that I want to

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

No. It’s all just one big chain reaction

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

Pretending or believing that I am somehow able to separate myself from life has been a protective mechanism my entire life. It’s scary to think that I have to lose that illusion.

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Yes, it’s all part of the chain reaction

Is there anything which is not just happening?

..No

[Anastacia42]

the inside world is the same then life just exists without a controller and I can't direct my life in the way that I want to

This is true. Haven't you noticed?

The thing is we fail to recognize that everything that happens is for our good. Using the Work of Byron Katie can help you to see that. www.thework.com

Isn't it more scary to think you have to keep track of everything than to know that it's being kept track of perfectly already?

Think about it!

Are you having to remember to beat your heart, take your next breath, grow your skin, digest your food, not to mention all the other things that happen in each moment?

Loving

[beingbraden]

This is true. Haven't you noticed?

I feel like the mind has been a safe haven of sorts for me. There is a feeling of control and familiarity. The mind is something that I can retreat into in order to feel safe. There is a lot of resistance to seeing it as just happening the same as the outside world, of giving up perceived control. I will use Byron Katie's work to examine this

Isn't it more scary to think you have to keep track of everything than to know that it's being kept track of perfectly already?

Yeah, I guess this is where the trust you were talking about comes in. I've always known that I am extremely conscientious so there's this belief that I need to keep track of things to make sure nothing goes wrong. Another belief to examine, I guess

Are you having to remember to beat your heart, take your next breath, grow your skin, digest your food, not to mention all the other things that happen in each moment?

It feels like there is a line somewhere. These base functions your talking about go on their own, but then more complex things take planning and intention. The mind has to get involved and at that point it takes ownership and says that it is doing it.

When I slow down and pay attention I can see all these things fairly clearly, but when I am "in life" (talking with people, working, planning, doing mental tasks, etc.) I completely loose track of it. Just more glimpses, I guess. Im grateful for the small glimpses.

[Anastacia42]

Good awareness.

Write each of those beliefs question each one & do Turn Arounds.

Here are the first couple:

The mind is a safe haven.
I have control.
I can retreat into my mind to feel safe.

Keep going. There are more.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Write each of those beliefs question each one & do Turn Arounds.

I'm not sure if I am doing this wrong, but this task feels more like intellectual homework. There is part of me that really doesn't want to do this, like there's resistance. I got half way through the list of beliefs that I had yesterday and just gave up. I was going to finish it today but I'm afraid I really don't feel like doing it(?)

A few questions:
- Is it important for me to write down answers for every single question? (Is it True? Can you absolutely know that its true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Who would you be without that thought?)
- Am I supposed to feel something emotionally? I guess something that bothers me about it is that it seems like there are 'correct' answers that you are supposed to have. For example on the second question I don't think you can absolutely know that anything is true, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to get out of that
- I feel like my mind naturally does this process and its been a big source of confusion my entire life. I can see everything from multiple angles and it causes me to have very low confidence in anything because I have no convictions that I am "right" about anything. I guess that's why I'm asking about the emotional component. Are the answers supposed to be more than just intellectual?
- When I do turnarounds I'm struggling to come up with multiple variations of the opposite. For example, "The mind is a safe haven" turned around would be "The mind is not a safe haven" and I can't think of any other opposites. When I do this my mind just goes into all the conditionals and nuances (ex. The mind is sometimes a safe haven, and sometimes not). Am I allowed to hedge any of my beliefs? What if my belief is "The mind is sometimes a safe haven"?


Other than that I have been sitting a lot recently and theres this place I get to that feels productive or good in some way. What I have ben doing is I focus as much as possible on direct experience, mostly sensations in the body and then when thoughts do come up I recognize them as such. Sometimes when I feel like I know something I question myself "Who is it that knows XYZ?" and sit with that, or "Who is experiencing that sensation right now?". The more I sit the more I notice all the different ways that my thoughts pop up and I identify with them as a "self". I just question the idea of self and what my experience is, what or who is experiencing it. I get into this very calm and present state, it does feel a bit hazy sometimes sort of close to sleepy. Theres a feeling of insight happening, but I am not paying attention to thoughts so I pretty much forget everything. Time passes very quickly.