Help!

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

I get that it doesn’t feel resolved, but reading between the lines here there is a very beautiful process processing…

I cannot find an entity, just some sort of energy that has no name.

Yes. What happens when this energy ‘leads’?

Yes, I can feel the freedom, the peace, the love! Without the need to accomplish or be something which is seemingly always there.

Do either the need to be or the feeling of freedom belong to anyone? Or can they mutually coexist here in the space?

Mahalo for your continued support it is truly a blessing

Nothing given that wasn’t already present, this dialogue is all one movement. 🙏

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

I cannot find an entity, just some sort of energy that has no name.
Yes. What happens when this energy ‘leads’?

This energy vacillates back and forth. Sometimes it does lead and most of the time the ego comes in like a
vacuum and sucks the energy back into this illusion. Very disturbing! When the light energy leads it's like a breath of fresh
air in my being. One without thought or worry. Just sensations. No past or future.

Yes, I can feel the freedom, the peace, the love! Without the need to accomplish or be something which is seemingly always there.
Do either the need to be or the feeling of freedom belong to anyone? Or can they mutually coexist here in the space?

It seems the feeling of freedom does mutually coexist with the ego that wants and wants but is never satisfied!
And no, it doesn't seem to belong to anyone in specific, it's just here and now when it appears!
Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hi Porky!

This energy vacillates back and forth. Sometimes it does lead and most of the time the ego comes in like a
vacuum and sucks the energy back into this illusion.

When “the ego sucks it back,” what actually happens?

Look freshly in the course of the day:
Is it some thing, the ‘ego’, that comes back?
Or is it just… a thought saying “this is me again” followed by what is, embodied… tension, tightness, a grasping sensation?

And also, if no one is here, is there any one to leave?
WHO goes back into illusion?

Are these thoughts about getting pulled out owned?

It seems the feeling of freedom does mutually coexist with the ego that wants and wants but is never satisfied!
And no, it doesn't seem to belong to anyone in specific, it's just here and now when it appears!

Yes, and freedom is what’s always here.
The ego is just a ripple of thought, briefly believed.

Is the ‘ego’ as this thought caught? Is it seen through once noticed? What happens then?

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

This energy vacillates back and forth. Sometimes it does lead and most of the time the ego comes in like a
vacuum and sucks the energy back into this illusion.
When “the ego sucks it back,” what actually happens?

What actually happens is instead of being in the moment with sensations, that feeling gets overwhelmed with thought. About past and future. That continues until I recognize what has happened. Staying there for a while until the light energy comes back. That could be 2 minutes or all day!

Look freshly in the course of the day:
Is it some thing, the ‘ego’, that comes back?
Or is it just… a thought saying “this is me again” followed by what is, embodied… tension, tightness, a grasping sensation?

Yes, the ego is just a thought like everything in this reality. We are very programmed with thoughts and have labeled our condition as caused by 'ego". Sometimes it is followed by tension or tightness depending on the circumstance going on when the I returns. I understand this and have seen the light or energy and know it can be there more often with more focus.

And also, if no one is here, is there any one to leave?
WHO goes back into illusion?
The entity labeled "Porky" goes back into the illusion! With so much input of a "Matrix" from early childhood, it seems like a lot is programming that needs to be released and realized in order to see the truth on a full-time basis.

Are these thoughts about getting pulled out owned?

No not owned, as they just pop up without any ownership or awareness, until they are seen as what they are. By whom are they seen? I don't know!

Yes, and freedom is what’s always here.
The ego is just a ripple of thought, briefly believed.

Is the ‘ego’ as this thought caught? Is it seen through once noticed? What happens then?

Yes, at some point the ego is caught as just a thought. And once noticed it will always be just a thought.
What happens is a loss of consciousness that takes me back to the realm of thought. My story says, it takes a lot of time and focus to stay in this state continuously.

Best Wishes,
Porky

[graceabounds]

My story says, it takes a lot of time and focus to stay in this state continuously.

Yes. Sounds exhausting!

So who is it that is responsible for that?

That “state” you’re trying to hold?
It’s already gone the moment you try to hold it!
There is no state. There is only now.
And now.
And now.

Can you lose now?
Can you fall out of this?

When you notice that swing between clarity and story, between “seeing” and “being pulled back,” pause and see what’s actually happening in the moment, without turning it into a theory about programming or a matrix. :)

1. Stop at the instant you say “I’m back in illusion.”
What can be directly experienced?
– a thought that says “I’m back”?
– sensations in the body?
– emotion, maybe pressure or tightness?

2. Let the labels go.
“Porky,” “matrix,” “ego,” “illusion” are all words that appear after the raw data. Before the words there’s only color, sound, sensation, thought‑energy.
Look there.

3. Is there a separate person who left clarity, or just another wave of experience being named?

Let me know how it goes.

Much love!

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

My story says, it takes a lot of time and focus to stay in this state continuously.
Yes. Sounds exhausting!

So who is it that is responsible for that?

Good question. I don't have an answer for that. It seems this person is.

That “state” you’re trying to hold?
It’s already gone the moment you try to hold it!
There is no state. There is only now.

Can you lose now?
Can you fall out of this?

It's a realization that once that door is open to this way of thinking it cannot be closed.
There are times when I'm lost in thought but then I realize it. No, I cannot fall out of this!

1. Stop at the instant you say “I’m back in illusion.”
What can be directly experienced?
I'm aware that everything is in the NOW. Any thoughts that are of the past or future are happening now.

– a thought that says “I’m back”?
Yes, just another thought.

– sensations in the body?
experienced now.

– emotion, maybe pressure or tightness?

When it is happening, it seems everything is happening now.

2. Let the labels go.
“Porky,” “matrix,” “ego,” “illusion” are all words that appear after the raw data. Before the words there’s only color, sound, sensation, thought‑energy.
Look there.

3. Is there a separate person who left clarity, or just another wave of experience being named?

No separate person. Yes, just experience being named.

Let me know how it goes.

It's easy to let go of labels when they are noticed for what they are!
If I was to just "Let Go" of all attention and intentions and currently not do anything
to further my awareness, my state would be back to square one!
I know it seems like I'm seeking, yet it is not my intention to be back
in thought all the time. And if it means, for the time being, I must
put some emphasis on seeing labels for what they are then unless
you have an alternative, this way must continue.
I agree looking at just sensations is ideal when that's available to
whatever seems to make these decisions. I'm not aware enough
to catch myself and look at sensations prior to labels. It's after
the labels are placed that I hear myself say, "That's a thought or label".

Thank You for all your help,
Porky

[graceabounds]

It's a realization that once that door is open to this way of thinking it cannot be closed.
There are times when I'm lost in thought but then I realize it. No, I cannot fall out of this!

Yes.

You can daydream and get lost in loops for hours.
But the illusion of someone being lost? That’s over. :)

If I was to just "Let Go" of all attention and intentions and currently not do anything to further my awareness, my state would be back to square one

What is square one? What is that a label for? A thought about another memory thought?

Is that square one ever actually found?


Let the noticing happen after the label appears. That’s fine. The shift doesn’t come from catching it early. It comes from not believing it when it’s seen.

I know it seems like I'm seeking, yet it is not my intention to be back in thought all the time

Is the seeking energy still present? Or is it more like looking/exploring energy? What does this feel like in the body?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

It's a realization that once that door is open to this way of thinking it cannot be closed.
There are times when I'm lost in thought but then I realize it. No, I cannot fall out of this!
Yes.

You can daydream and get lost in loops for hours.
But the illusion of someone being lost? That’s over. :)

You are correct! It's not really lost if I find my way back, which I do all the time now!

If I was to just "Let Go" of all attention and intentions and currently not do anything to further my awareness, my state would be back to square one
What is square one? What is that a label for? A thought about another memory thought?

Starting over without any knowledge of this illusion. Just (lost) in thought. That is the label I'm using to describe the state I could be in without a consistent attention to sensation, and the thoughts would be rattling around in my head!
Yes, labels are always about the past. When I'm with others, I witness myself and others constantly telling stories using labels to communicate their story. Nothing wrong there, just observation!

Is that square one ever actually found?

No, because this being refuses to allow that to happen!

Let the noticing happen after the label appears. That’s fine. The shift doesn’t come from catching it early. It comes from not believing it when it’s seen.

I know it seems like I'm seeking, yet it is not my intention to be back in thought all the time
Is the seeking energy still present? Or is it more like looking/exploring energy? What does this feel like in the body?

Yes, sometimes the seeking is still present. Isn't looking/exploring energy and seeking the same? During waking hours, I've gotten into a habit of telling myself frequently to keep watching and looking. The sensation is mostly felt in the eyes as this approach has worked to change my focus from past/future to the present.
Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hello Porky,

The sensation is mostly felt in the eyes

Beautiful. This is the last trace of the watcher identity. It’s not bad, and not wrong.

But now look at it directly: Who is watching?
Not “what is being watched,” not the scene or the sounds or the thoughts.
But the _sense_ of watching itself.

Feel it in the body. Let it intensify.
Can the watcher be found?

Isn't looking/exploring energy and seeking the same?

No. The distinction is looking is to see what is here, with a sense of curiosity or openness. Seeking comes from a place of something lacking, being missing, being not quite right… it is also reaching for something that isn’t here now. Looking is always now.

It's not really lost if I find my way back, which I do all the time now!

Great!
Now…
Was there ever someone to leave in the first place?
:)

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

The sensation is mostly felt in the eyes
Beautiful. This is the last trace of the watcher identity. It’s not bad, and not wrong.

But now look at it directly: Who is watching?

I'm not sure if there is a WHO watching. It feels like life just keeps moving along. It's difficult to put into words because it's just living in this body, with this mind, communicating with you. Days come days go! As if there is no time.

Feel it in the body. Let it intensify.
Can the watcher be found?

Having trouble today putting experience into words. When watching it's as if everything is here. I can easily let my eyes glaze over and not concentrate on anything in specific, not thinking just spacing without a watcher.

Isn't looking/exploring energy and seeking the same?
No. The distinction is looking is to see what is here, with a sense of curiosity or openness. Seeking comes from a place of something lacking, being missing, being not quite right… it is also reaching for something that isn’t here now. Looking is always now.

Okay, more and more I'm not seeking, but looking and excepting what I'm seeing, doing, experiencing as just that. Nothing else. Nothing is missing. It's just the way it should be whether the me wants something different or not!

It's not really lost if I find my way back, which I do all the time now!
Great!
Now…
Was there ever someone to leave in the first place?
:)

That becomes a philosophical question! I'm not sure if there ever was someone to leave. Kind of like the Santa Clause story. Belief in Santa was very strong, until the truth was revealed that it was just a story. I'm not at that point yet, where I can with conviction say there is no me. Don't know what or who "I" am.

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hi dear,

difficult to put into words because it's just living in this body, with this mind, communicating with you. Days come days go! As if there is no time.

There isn’t :)
Just life happening, as this.
Typing. Hearing. Spacing out. Feeling. Responding. All without a central owner.

That’s what’s always been happening.
The rest was story.

I'm not at that point yet, where I can with conviction say there is no me. Don't know what or who "I" am.

Don’t rush past this. Because this isn’t confusion, itis the end of the illusion of knowing.

The self was never real. It was a structure built entirely out of:
- stories of memory
- predictions of the future
- a string of thoughts claiming: “I did this.” “I think that.” “I am here.”

And now you’re here, saying “don’t know what or who “I” am.”

Don’t rush to patch it with insight, identity, or even liberation. Let the I-don’t-know remain wide open.
Don’t fill it.

Live there.

When there’s spacing out, watching, speaking, hearing, sensing…
Without a name, without a label, what’s missing?

Anything?

What’s lacking from this moment when no one is managing it?

-Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

When there’s spacing out, watching, speaking, hearing, sensing…
Without a name, without a label, what’s missing?

If there is something missing, it is not apparent to me!
What I do notice is this ego using pain in my body to get my attention away from
what we are doing and focused on discomfort instead. Emotional issues have been stronger
then usual. This maybe a story but right now it feels somewhat real although not completely.
If this sounds confusing, it's what is happening right now!

Anything? No

What’s lacking from this moment when no one is managing it?

Don't see anything lacking. Things just are without managing it!

Thanks so much,
Porky

[Porky]

When there’s spacing out, watching, speaking, hearing, sensing…
Without a name, without a label, what’s missing?

If there is something missing, it is not apparent to me!
What I do notice is this ego using pain in my body to get my attention away from
what we are doing and focused on discomfort instead. Emotional issues have been stronger
then usual. This maybe a story but right now it feels somewhat real although not completely.
If this sounds confusing, it's what is happening right now!

Anything?

No

What’s lacking from this moment when no one is managing it?

Don't see anything lacking. Things just are without managing it!

Thanks so much,
Porky

[graceabounds]

What I do notice is this ego using pain in my body to get my attention away from what we are doing and focused on discomfort instead

Before the thought “this is trying to distract me” appears,
is there a problem?

Just feel. Sensation. That’s all.

Now…
When does it become “mine”?
When does it become “bad”?
When does it become a “distraction from awakening”?

What if the pain isn’t trying to do anything? It’s just sensation, happening in a body, in this moment, like a breeze or a heartbeat.

The next time it arises, look directly:
What in this experience proves it belongs to someone?

[Porky]

Aloha Becca,

What I do notice is this ego using pain in my body to get my attention away from what we are doing and focused on discomfort instead
Before the thought “this is trying to distract me” appears,
is there a problem?

Yes, there is a problem. My senses are now occupied by pain. Whether I think about it or not. It's still there and cannot be ignored. If I concentrate on other things it's still there because when I try to get up the pain reminds me. Oh yeah, there you are. It's possible at moments to recognize this is NOT me.

Just feel. Sensation. That’s all.

Now…
When does it become “mine”?

It doesn't become "mine" it's just there.
A source of distraction!

When does it become “bad”?

I cannot label it "bad" as it must be there for a reason.

When does it become a “distraction from awakening”?

When it becomes overwhelming and takes my complete attention. Where it becomes unbearable in this body and needs medication to calm it down and I become very tired. When it stops I kind of realize that the pain doesn't distract me from the awakening process as that is an ongoing venture and this is just a brief interlude.

What if the pain isn’t trying to do anything? It’s just sensation, happening in a body, in this moment, like a breeze or a heartbeat.

That would be nice! The pain is just a sensation. I can see it at times.

The next time it arises, look directly:
What in this experience proves it belongs to someone?

There is no proof it belongs to anyone. It appeared out of nowhere and affected my emotional state. No doubt it will pass.
I've experienced this before, and it is connected to repressed emotions. Usually, repressed anger causes this state. This time maybe a different reason, I'm not clear on the reason it wants my attention, but it has it!

Thanks, Porky