Not Being

[Stevenisnow]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That there only appears to be a separate self. That although it is functional the belief in separation creates disharmony in protecting, defending or extending this individual we believe ourself to be.

What are you looking for at LU?
I was recommended by a friend I trust from Watkins books. I have written a few books Not Knowing, Not Doing are two of them. Each time I seek to live the book. I am now living Not Being and I am hoping this work with be helpful to actually experience what this means.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Clear instruction. Experienced teacher. Ability to spot patterns and help me correct. Patient and skilled. Regular contact and feedback. Someone who has worked with this material and embodies it, not just conceptually. I would like a teacher who can 'see' and it has made a huge difference to them.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I trained as a Catholic priest in my youth. Psychotherapy work in Gestalt and Psychosynthesis. Last ten years drawn to Advaita Vedanta and non-dual teaching mostly resonates with me deeply.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
10

[Ilona]

Hi Stevenisnow :)
Welcome to the forum!
We can have a conversation and see where it takes you, all I ask for is complete honesty and answering from your own experience, as you see it.

Firstly, let’s ask this question- what are you looking for?
What do you expect that should change?
Take your time.


Much love.

[Stevenisnow]

Hi Ilona

Thank you for guiding me. Mostly I am tired. Tired of efforting, trying to 'become' someone, living with fear of insecurity. I am tired with 'making it' and all efforts and practices. I am looking to drop all these things as I don't have the energy or will to play that game. I am looking to experience what life is when I am not preoccupied with self, when there is just experience without the emphasis on the experiencer. What life is like without my story. I am curious as to is it possible to live Emptiness and Not Being.

I am not sure what will change. I expect not much externally but that there is more ease present when I am not there. With my absence I hope there will instead be more clarity, flow, immediacy of experience.
Love,
Steven

[Ilona]

Thank you for reply.
This is interesting:

I am curious as to is it possible to live Emptiness and Not Being.

What do you mean by not being? Is there ever not being? Can you stop being at will or by accident?

Emptiness means seeing that what you think is real does not exist as you think it. It’s seeing what is real versus what is imagined and knowing the difference.

You say you are tired, let’s say yes to that. Now are you ready to rest?
Is anything in the way of being at rest?

Explore this and write what you find

Love.

[Stevenisnow]

What do you mean by not being? Is there ever not being? Can you stop being at will or by accident?

Hi Ilona,

I use the phrase Not Being as more a pointing to a different sense of being than the narrow self I try to develop, protect, defend as an apparently separate atomised human being. For me Not Being is not being that small identified I and instead pointing to a different sense of Self interconnected to the whole, an Ecological Self- meaning at Home. Currently I don't know how to stop awareness and identification with the small sense of self or what this broader sense of simply Being feels like. I had small tasters. I watched a youtube video of Papaji several years ago called 'Call of the Search'. For two weeks after that it was if my mind was absent- instead the feeling of a deep stillness, like a dark calm lake at night. Yet since then my mind has been like a monkey again, anxious, ambitious, driving by aversion and desire.

I am very tired. Ironically though I notice fear when you ask am I ready to rest. It's almost as if I need the striving, drama, busyness in order to exist. My mind is always rest-less. Accounting for insomnia and my high blood pressure taking tablets for this at a young age. It's almost like I'm on permanent high alert and my mind constantly distracted, moving...

The main thing that is in the way of me being at rest is my own mind. I don't know how to let go and truly rest/relax. I booked two nights away from tomorrow outside of London to try to rest but I know I cannot escape my restless mind and it will come with me..

Appreciate guidance on how I might inquire further.

Love
Steven

[Ilona]

I am very tired. Ironically though I notice fear when you ask am I ready to rest. It's almost as if I need the striving, drama, busyness in order to exist.

Great to notice that. Is that true, that you need to strive in order to be? As you notice, awareness is always here. You are aware right now, undeniably. Do you need to do anything in order to be aware? Do you need to be someone in order to be aware? Or is it on by default?

How to rest? Rest happens, when you give up fighting. The whole fight is mind fighting itself. Now we know, it thinks, that it has to fight in order to survive. But is that true?’ Is the fight really help or only seems to help? What is here without the fight?

And are you ready to let go of fighting?

Explore and write what feels true.

Much love.

Ps. Trust that all is unfolding as it should.

[Stevenisnow]

Hi Ilona,

Thank you for your response.

. Do you need to do anything in order to be aware? Do you need to be someone in order to be aware? Or is it on by default?

It's on by default. I can do nothing to be aware. Or to change it. It simply is. I was going to write that awareness diminishes e.g. if I drink alcohol, if I am in my mind thinking, but that would be conflating awareness with concentration or attention. The awareness is the same.

What is here without the fight?

And are you ready to let go of fighting

There is no real benefit to the fight. To the drama. Emptiness is here without the fight. I am ready to let of fighting.

Love,
Steven

[Ilona]

Wonderful to hear that you are ready to end fighting.
Are you ready NOW?

Giving up fighting is same as ending holding on. Nothing needs to be done, only notice, all already is happening. The process is happening. It’s ok to let go of what is no longer needed, serving, helping.
All that control is a wish to control. There was never a control. So there is nothing to give up..

Explore and write to me.

Love.

[Stevenisnow]

Hi Ilona,

Yes I am ready now. I notice that my thinking mind has exhausted itself that there is disinterest in even generating questions. It's almost as if I ask another question it is unnecessary and only serves a purpose for my thinking mind.

I am in Not Knowing and not understanding on this process. I am ready.

Love
Steven

[Ilona]

Great place to be.
Here is a video with a question. See what comes up for you when you ask it.
https://youtu.be/vVfvRetanr0

Write what you notice.
Much love.

[Stevenisnow]

Thank you Ilona for the video link. Apology for slight delay as I leave to Greece for my Christmas holiday till Jan 4th. Have watched also the video on resistance I enjoyed. Will enjoy it again and send my thoughts in coming weeks. Wishing you a lovely holiday if you are taking one.

Love
Steven

[Ilona]

Dear steve, have a wonderful time in Greece
Write when you are ready to continue.
Much love.

[Stevenisnow]

Hi Ilana,

Happy New Year! 'I' had a good vacation in Greece and returned home last night- rained half the time but that gave space for reading , movies and less busy activity. During this period I read the Jed McKenna trilogy of books. Entertaining but so deep at the same time. Felt real joy. I also started your book 'Liberation Unleashed' and the Dialogue with Nona was simply amazing to read- a spirit of simplicity in just looking. I'm looking forward to savouring more of the book. I am also acutely aware of the danger of me reading about for e.g. 'swimming' rather than actually 'swimming' so I come back to the inquiry. Hesitant to call it work!

I watched the 'Remembrance' video. It was hard not to be distracted by the so beautiful scenery! (especially if you know rainy London! hahaha :) I enjoyed the word less moments, your laugher and at the end just the sound of the sea...

So in the video description you ask 'What is there to recognize?' The answer of silence resonated. Clear, word less, concept free. It's always here, behind my thoughts. As 'I' sit in the coffee shop and write to you 'I' ask 'Where is the I now?' There is smelling the coffee, taste in my mouth, music playing, sound of the expresso machine, a little tension in the chest, fingers flying over the keyboard. It's as if I need to create the I by declaring it. But in this moment it does not appear.

I have struggled with this Ilana over the last few weeks. At times it felt calm and that I could see my personality was full of thinking, anxious etc but I was not that. But how easy for me it is to fully identify and get caught in this identity. Its like a pull that wants me to be Steven. to think about career, money, security, living a 'successful' life, acquiring experiences, being fit etc. At the same time there is me without any of those things needed. No desires, wants, nothing there.

Is life a tension of the two?

Wishing you a good Sunday and grateful for your generosity pointing 'me'.
Steven

[Stevenisnow]

sorry for mis-spelling of your name Ilona. Attention to detail before coffee not my strong point! ;0)

[Ilona]

Wonderful.
Let’s look closer. What is that makes personality “mine”? Is there an owner of character?
If you have a pet or a small child to look at, you can see, that there is definite character. A dog has likes and dislikes and behavioural patterns that can be seen as “personal”, but is there an owner of a character in the dog?
What is that needs an identity? Where does identity land and stick to?

Explore this and write what you find in actual experience.

Love.