Wake up, Melissa!

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Melissa10
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Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:47 am

Hi there. :)

The short answer in what brings me to Liberation Unleashed was that a year ago a friend pointed me to read "Gateless Gatecrashers." So, I found myself here, downloaded the book on my iPhone and was too afraid/overwhelmed to read it until this past month. I came back to this site because I am hungry for the Truth.
My background in seeking and inquiry goes back for many years and intensified in the last 2 years. I've been passionate about self-awareness for as long as I can remember--at age 8, I discovered Astrology and was always drawn to any personality test under the sun. I quit confirmation class at age 13 and then handpicked my own church and started going by myself at age 14. In her own quest, my sister discovered and then turned me on to Deepak Chopra, and the Tao Te Ching by the time I was 16. In college, I looked into becoming a Minister--Lutheran at the time, to then realize that I would be preaching about a faith that I didn't believe in. I discovered Unitarian Universalism, still strongly considering ministry. I discovered life-coaching toward the end of college and at 25 trained as a life coach and started my own private practice, combining my years enmeshed in Astrology, Eastern and Western thought traditions with my coach's training. I continue to work with clients one-on-one and in groups in addition to sharing gifts as a singer-songwriter/storyteller/guide.

Around the time I began my coaching practice, I was introduced to Adyashanti. I found his DVD's to be a breath of fresh air, an "association with truth" as it were, and at the same time, I did not see myself as seeking enlightenment. I actually made fun of all of the people who would try to sound all "spiritual" when asking Adya questions, and I guess I didn't get what enlightenment was nor experience a desire for it. What I did desire was to be limitless in my life, to enjoy my life, to live it fully. And all the while there was a commitment to authenticity--to knowing and expressing myself fully. It was through Adya that I began to embrace the prayer, "Thy will be done."

Through the following years, owning a business became a practice in facing fears and letting go in itself. I continued to read and discover, the hunger to expand and to share in my learning never ceasing. The Work of Byron Katie became largely transformative for me at this time--another tool that I brought into my healing work with clients. (I find that as I've grown in seeing through illusion, assisting other's in doing the same is how I've mastered my learning and fueled my own awakening.) In 2013 I took the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course, which helped me distinguish further between reality and the stories being created.

In 2014, I made the move from Madison, WI (where I'd lived my whole life, barring some travel) to Brooklyn, NY. It was really that move that was the most profound trigger point in my awareness. The stress of trying to "achieve success" in my business in order to pay bills in NYC along with the major environmental shift had my identity shaking and cracking. Life became an exhausting struggle, and at some point I couldn't keep going as I was. I found myself reaching out to a friend who became increasingly more present in my life and he started "pointing" as you would call it. He had gone through a process of awakening the year before and could see what was happening. I found myself doing whatever he told me to do. He told me to read Jed McKenna and so I did. Those first few months were terrifying. I didn't know how I would pay rent but rent got paid. Many of my big fears were looming, attachments being threatened, yet here I am. I stopped reading Jed for a time--in part because it was overwhelming and also because it wasn't clear yet. I was afraid to say I'm waking up...because what if I wasn't? So I stopped talking about it, I tried to bury myself in a relationship. And of course, waking up IS happening, so none of that lasted.

And somehow, I've crossed the point of resisting waking up and now it's all that I think about. Because I can't stand the lie anymore. I find myself looking at people around me and getting irritated in ways that I didn't used to. I'm on the subway and it all seems so meaningless, all of these dramas playing out and people having no awareness that it's not even real. I see how I've wanted to be special all of these years, always trying to get "somewhere." I've found myself exhausted with "myself." And now, I just crave freedom. I was afraid of letting go, of loss, of not being "me" and now I crave truth at all costs. Beliefs are falling away. Pieces of self that I identified with so closely are falling away. It's just happening and there's a momentum now--I'm ready to finish this thing.
In the past couple of months I read Michael Singer's book "the Untethered Soul" and his autobiography "The Surrender Experiment." Something shifted. I see Melissa, the character, more clearly than ever. I also feel myself dancing with Flow more and more each day.

When I finished those books I remember Gateless Gatecrashers. As I've been reading the dialogues, I see my experience in many of them. Reading them is helping and I'm still stuck. I see that I'm still very identified with a separate self. I understand that "I" am just a collection of thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. When I look, I see that there is nothing concrete behind the thought "I." And at the same time I still identify as being the director of it all. Since reading GG, I also find the thought "there is not "me" here, occurring a great deal. Looking is happening.

I feel so close...when I think of there not being "me," of not being the manager of it all, I actually get giddy now, rather than afraid. My lungs fill with air and tears come to my eyes. I can't tell you enough how grateful I am to know that there is someone who can help me see, once and for all.

Melissa

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Alexw
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Alexw » Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:03 am

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for your honest introduction. Its great having you here!
My name is Alex and I am happy to discuss this with you.
I see that I'm still very identified with a separate self. I understand that "I" am just a collection of thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. When I look, I see that there is nothing concrete behind the thought "I." And at the same time I still identify as being the director of it all.
When you say "I'm identified with a separate self" - how is this identification experienced? Do you experience it by visually perceiving it, by hearing, smelling or tasting it? Or is this identification simply a thought that pops up "I am in charge!" or "I have decided that!"..? Where does the I in this statement point to? Anywhere?

When you identify as the "director of it all" I guess you are simply saying that you believe that you are making all these decisions that happen in your life, right?
Have a look at any kind of decision - how does it work? Do "you" decide to get up in the morning, to have a certain type of breakfast..? What turns a simple (automatic) process into a decision? Can you find "decisions" in your direct experience when there is no thought about it? How many things simply happen throughout the day that could have been labelled a decision if you would have thought about them..? Look at your daily routine and let me know what you find... also look at decisions that you obviously seem to make consciously (the sticky ones).. when exactly was the decision made? Was there an "I/me" making it?

Kind regards,
Alex

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Tue Sep 08, 2015 6:12 am

Thank you so much for your reply, Alex. There is a warm surge throughout the body and a smile follows--gratitude mixed with excitement is probably the best way to describe it.

I'm just receiving your note before heading to bed. I'm going to revisit this first thing tomorrow and will respond with findings as they arise.

Before I go to sleep, I'll respond to your first line of questioning:
When you say "I'm identified with a separate self" - how is this identification experienced? Do you experience it by visually perceiving it, by hearing, smelling or tasting it? Or is this identification simply a thought that pops up "I am in charge!" or "I have decided that!"..? Where does the I in this statement point to? Anywhere?
I see that it is a thought, questions like "but aren't 'I' the one making the decisions?" or "I must be in here somewhere..." My mind also jumps to the concrete form of this body and thinks as it feels the body, "I'm right here!" while looking at this arm and hand. I do see, however, upon looking, that "I" just shows up in thoughts. Behind the thoughts...breathing, spaciousness, nothing.

Ok, more tomorrow. Thank you, Thank you for being here.

:)Melissa

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Tue Sep 08, 2015 6:59 pm

Hello Alex!

Thank you for reflecting this experience so clearly--yes, the belief that I am making all of these decisions is what I mean when I talk about directing it all.

You asked:
Have a look at any kind of decision - how does it work? Do "you" decide to get up in the morning, to have a certain type of breakfast..?
There were thoughts and sensations, a feeling of hunger in the belly, the thought, "I'm hungry," the thought, "I should get up." Then, getting up. Going to the bathroom. Thoughts about what to wear. Searching through clothes, feelings arising, an enjoyable sensation in the body...the thought, "I'm going to wear this dress. This feels right." And so on and so forth...until I went to the cafe below my apt to get my favorite breakfast sandwich. I see that there are thoughts and feelings and actions.

The question arises, "If no one is choosing, why is one thing chosen over another? And how?"

The thought continues to arise, "But how is this just 'happening' if I'm not deciding these things?" There is a sensation of frustration. There is also some anxiety. Also a sense of peace at the thought that I'm not "responsible" for it all. Many feelings at once. My mind is like a tornado, or like a dog spinning as it attempts to chase it's own tail.

You asked:
What turns a simple (automatic) process into a decision? Can you find "decisions" in your direct experience when there is no thought about it? How many things simply happen throughout the day that could have been labelled a decision if you would have thought about them..? Look at your daily routine and let me know what you find...
I find myself both frustrated/fearful and newly in awe of the power of language. I see that "decision" is a word that arises in language, in thought. It's a qualitative judgement on what's happening. When there is a thought and then action in to response to that thought...certain feelings arise and thoughts that label the thought/active response as a decision. Right now, this body is sitting on the couch, computer on lap, thinking and hands typing the thoughts. This is just happening. What boggles my brain is that at one point there was the thought to pick up the computer, thoughts about where "I" feel like sitting, the image of the living room sofa forming, and then a choice to sit on the sofa. That doesn't feel automatic. Something was selected over something else. I've been so associated with the ideas that "people choose," "individuals make choices," "I make choices" that this is hard to see through. I get close and than many thoughts come in.

I recognize resistance here. There is anxiety that no one is "steering the ship." Thoughts wanting to understand the reason for no self. Thoughts wanting to understand the point of life. Lots of questions pointing to WHY? and HOW?

I understand that there are thoughts, ideas as to "who Melissa is." Stored memories, sensations, judgments, preferences. I can see how certain sensations lead to certain thoughts that lead to certain actions. Yet, there are the times when there are feelings and the thought, "I don't want to," and it is a strong sensation...then there is the thought, "It will be good for you..." or something along that line, and then actions follow. Like going to the gym or anything that has a longterm benefit despite a desire for immediate gratification.

Which leads to your next invitation:
also look at decisions that you obviously seem to make consciously (the sticky ones).. when exactly was the decision made? Was there an "I/me" making it?
Powerful question--you're good at this! :) The only evidence that I can find is thoughts, feelings and actions. I want to scream, though...because why is it so hard to SEE to fully accept that this is just happening...I just can't see it yet. Such strong desire to see it, yet feeling really dense at the same time. Why can't I see it? Teary.

Thank you, again, for being here.

Melissa

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Alexw
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Alexw » Wed Sep 09, 2015 12:51 am

Hi Melissa,

Great observations! Well done!
The question arises, "If no one is choosing, why is one thing chosen over another? And how?"
Who wants to know?
When a strong wind blows the tree bends and when you are hungry you go to the fridge... did any of the two actions require a self to make the decision?
The thought continues to arise, "But how is this just 'happening' if I'm not deciding these things?"
OK, this is a thought. A thought demanding an answer as to who else it would be that makes a decision if not "I"...
Can a thought make a decision? Or does thought simply arise and vanish?
Try this: Sit down and think of a number between 1 and 10... a number arises... "3"... where did it come from? Did you make the decision to think "3" or did the number just show up? Try this a few times and note what you find.
Thoughts wanting to understand the reason for no self. Thoughts wanting to understand the point of life. Lots of questions pointing to WHY? and HOW?
Can thought understand anything? Or is understanding just another thought saying "Ah.. I understand.."
When you understand something a certain conditioning/learning process happens. You see something for the first time and someone tells you "This is the colour green". From now on, when you see a green wall, a thought pops up "Green!".
Did this thought happen before you knew the label?
Did you know that you are human, a woman, living in a certain country etc etc before you have learned all these things? Have you always been you or did you learn to be you?

As to why and how... do you think there is one single truth about that? Or is there maybe as many truths as there are concepts about life and all its whys and hows? Does life need a reason?
I want to scream, though...because why is it so hard to SEE to fully accept that this is just happening...I just can't see it yet. Such strong desire to see it, yet feeling really dense at the same time. Why can't I see it?
What do you expect to see? What are your expectations of seeing that "this is just happening"? What would it look like?
Would it be any different to what is here right now (and discounting thought about why this is all happening and to whom)?

Sit down, relax, close your eyes and simply listen. You hear sounds - thought says "I hear a bird!"... is thought right?
Do "you" - a separate entity - hear a bird (another separate entity)? Or is there simply sound, no separate listener that would do the listening... Is there a border between this "I/me" and the sound? What is there?

Alex

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Wed Sep 09, 2015 3:07 am

Hi Alex,

What a day! So much aliveness, feeling...and seeing!

Immediately after writing my last post, I had a session with a call scheduled with a friend for whom life has been creating profound and painful opportunities to surrender--I reached out to her last week after seeing her suffering so much. As I said in my intro--when I am guiding/coaching--I find that so many gifts come through. Listening is happen, and speaking just happens...somehow the words that are needed just come forth and express. It is one place where I can truly see that I'M not doing it. It is just flow. And I'm always left feeling profoundly moved, opened up, in awe, grateful.

She, of course, is working very closely with ideas of letting go, of trusting, of SEEING that she is not actually the one steering the ship. In speaking with her the thought that nature, LIFE, is so miraculously taking care of itself that certain plants only grow in certain climates--the climates in which they will truly thrive. And it hit me, that this is what's happening for humans, too. All of life. That when the belief that there is a me in charge falls away, life simply has room to thrive. The unique expressions that flow through this body, this being, will have room to flourish. I feel profoundly humbled by that.

And somehow, it stopped mattering so much WHY and HOW. What is emerging is a sense of reverence like I've never experienced before. A sense that miracles are happening with every breath.

Ok, so on to your questions. :) You asked:
Who wants to know?
When a strong wind blows the tree bends and when you are hungry you go to the fridge... did any of the two actions require a self to make the decision?
I love this example, and no these two actions did not require a self to make a decision. They both just happen.

Next:
Can a thought make a decision? Or does thought simply arise and vanish?
Try this: Sit down and think of a number between 1 and 10... a number arises... "3"... where did it come from? Did you make the decision to think "3" or did the number just show up? Try this a few times and note what you find.
The number just shows up...sometimes before I even finish thinking "between 1 and 10." I see now that it is all just thought and thought and thought. Thought simply arises and vanishes.
Can thought understand anything? Or is understanding just another thought saying "Ah.. I understand.."
When you understand something a certain conditioning/learning process happens. You see something for the first time and someone tells you "This is the colour green". From now on, when you see a green wall, a thought pops up "Green!".
Did this thought happen before you knew the label?
Did you know that you are human, a woman, living in a certain country etc etc before you have learned all these things? Have you always been you or did you learn to be you?
Yes, I can see that understanding works like this. There is a conditioning that unfolds and the body feels certain sensations, certain thoughts arise, and the thought follows "I understand."

I learned to be me, which is fascinating in and of itself. There were likely things about this body in place (like the fact that I was born with malfunctioning kidney's/ureters) and ways that the senses function, and certain brain wiring in place...but "I" didn't choose that or create it. The personality formed around it/in response to it all, the environment, etc. There was no concrete ME there, though. Just potential thoughts, feelings, actions, environmental factors etc.
As to why and how... do you think there is one single truth about that? Or is there maybe as many truths as there are concepts about life and all its whys and hows? Does life need a reason?
No, life does not need a reason. This is part of the "adjustment process" that seems to be arising--some letting go happening, and some sadness. What is also arising, though, is the sense of wonder and awe that I described above. No, I don't see one single truth--I see room for so many interpretations, that meaning will arise moment by moment as its needed and fall away as its needed. No permanent truth about WHY...just exactly whats needed moment by moment.
What do you expect to see? What are your expectations of seeing that "this is just happening"? What would it look like?
Would it be any different to what is here right now (and discounting thought about why this is all happening and to whom)?
I guess the expectation is of a CLEAR knowing, that thoughts of doubt won't be there. I see that there is just fear here...fear that I'm missing something, that "seeing" won't actually happen, that it can't be this simple. Really, I experience a shifting happening. There is a sense of grounded peace, a sense of being a step removed from the fear thoughts--like they aren't as significant anymore. And the need to be "special" is falling away. I feel like a little kid that just wants to be "in the game" just wanting to play to the fullest, to discover in what ways life unfolds and the parts I'll get to play.

There is a thought here that I might "lose" awareness that there is no me. That in interacting with people day to day I will get pulled into identifying with "me" as a separate self. Being surrounded by people who don't see, how do I function? How do I not go insane? Hahaha. (funny, and a thought that is arising, for sure.)

Melissa

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Wed Sep 09, 2015 3:09 am

Oh, and saving your last questions for tomorrow. Giving my brain a rest for now. Because seeing is beginning to happen, anyway. :)

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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Alexw » Wed Sep 09, 2015 5:09 am

Hi Melissa,
I guess the expectation is of a CLEAR knowing, that thoughts of doubt won't be there.
Can you choose to never have any thoughts of doubt anymore? Or to not have any thoughts about identification with a separate self anymore?

When is a knowing perfectly clear? What has to happen?
When you know anything, do the senses know? Or is conceptual knowledge always expressed as thought?

When you look at this experience - seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching - is there any knowledge or meaning contained in any of the sense perceptions themselves? What adds meaning, specific properties?

I fully understand that you want to know - but what if this "you" can not directly know THIS, but only add conceptual layers to it? Can you know any more than the label/concept? Can you know something that has no objective quality?
Really, I experience a shifting happening. There is a sense of grounded peace, a sense of being a step removed from the fear thoughts--like they aren't as significant anymore.
It is ok to expect something like a shift - you are shifting all the time - never the same. Everything you do, especially dialogues like ours, re-wire your knowledge, your point of view etc... some things get less important, some more, some beliefs are dropped, others might replace them...
There is a thought here that I might "lose" awareness that there is no me. That in interacting with people day to day I will get pulled into identifying with "me" as a separate self.
What is this awareness that "there is no me" like? Is this "awareness of no me-ness" different to the observer/witness that you use to be consciously aware of this moment (sense perceptions plus thought)?

Yes, it happens that the observer goes and that you get caught up in thought, but the more frequently you are aware of this happening (and remain with the observer) the quicker you will exit these thought loops. Just keep going, don't worry about losing awareness (the observer) - it will come back more and more frequently...

Still, if you look at this observer... Is it a separate entity or is it again just a thought that pops up more or less often stating "There is no me!" or "Ah.. I have been thinking about XYZ again!"? Is it maybe also something you have learned to use for a specific purpose..?

Alex

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Thu Sep 10, 2015 4:23 am

Hi Alex,

No, I cannot choose to have any thoughts about doubt anymore--they will either arise or not, and not of my choosing. Thank you. I see that clearly.

Which is perfect given that you ask:
When is a knowing perfectly clear? What has to happen?
When you know anything, do the senses know? Or is conceptual knowledge always expressed as thought?
In that moment when I saw the truth in response to your question--no I cannot choose thoughts--I also saw that my expectation that there would be no thoughts of doubt if I am SEEING the truth was a false expectation. Because I cannot control thought (there is no ME controlling thought), there can be seeing clearly that there is no me AND thoughts of doubt arising.

So, knowing is perfectly clear through looking and seeing what is or is not. It is then met by a sensation and thought "I see," "I know" or something like that.
When you look at this experience - seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching - is there any knowledge or meaning contained in any of the sense perceptions themselves? What adds meaning, specific properties?
I don't know "what" adds meaning. Meaning just arises through thought. There are patterned responses, stored in memory. Preferences stored in memory. No there is not meaning contained in any of the sense perceptions themselves, they too, just arise. Seeing happens. Hearing happens. Smelling happens. Etc.
I fully understand that you want to know - but what if this "you" can not directly know THIS, but only add conceptual layers to it? Can you know any more than the label/concept? Can you know something that has no objective quality?
No. :)
What is this awareness that "there is no me" like? Is this "awareness of no me-ness" different to the observer/witness that you use to be consciously aware of this moment (sense perceptions plus thought)?
I'm not fully clear on what you are asking here, and I'll answer what I can. The awareness is just seeing. I can't put words to it. There is a thought, "there is no me," then there is looking, "Is this true? Look." Then, there is seeing that there is nothing there--nothing to put words to. There are thoughts that seem to flood in to do "battle," so to speak, to try to "comprehend" this "no me-ness."
Yes, it happens that the observer goes and that you get caught up in thought, but the more frequently you are aware of this happening (and remain with the observer) the quicker you will exit these thought loops. Just keep going, don't worry about losing awareness (the observer) - it will come back more and more frequently...
This is happening! "I" see it coming back more and more frequently. I had a dream last night that I was about to marry someone who I dated back in college (14 years ago) and there was this lucid moment of "what am I doing? This isn't what I want!" It was an interesting dream with many layers of possible meaning--one that arose this afternoon was it is a perfect example of this fear of "getting lost in illusion" so-to-speak and showing me that once I've seen, I cannot un-see, that truth will reveal itself. There is no forgetting now.

And yes, the "observer" is just a thought that pops up and says, "There is no me!" exactly. There is an observer of sorts--the "I am-ness" not causing any of it, though.

I'm beginning to see that I was, like many, expecting something with bells and whistles. And the idea of not seeing that there is no me is just that...an idea, a thought. Thoughts like "You better make sure." "I'm not sure if this is it." "Is THIS really it?"

What's arising is an awareness that waking up has been happening. I haven't need to worry about "doing it right." :) Thoughts about waking up arise, leading to more thought, actions, more thought. The seed was planted--growth is happening. :)

Let me know if anything is missed here. Teary with gratitude. Lots and lots of humbling gratitude arising these days.

:)Melissa

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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Alexw » Fri Sep 11, 2015 12:49 am

Hi Melissa!

Yes, beautiful!

Do you have any more questions, any doubts arising?
If not, please have a look at these six questions, they sort of sum up what we have been discussing so far:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Please give examples from recent experience.

6) Anything to add?

Alex

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Melissa10
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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 4:09 am

Thank you for this message, Alex. I'm about to head to bed. Delighted to respond to your questions tomorrow!

Melissa

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Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Melissa10 » Sat Sep 12, 2015 3:49 am

Hello Alex!

Ok, here goes!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, and no.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The separate self is an illusion because it has no substance in reality. When I look at the concept "I" and "me" all I see/experience are "layers" of thought and sensations--without looking it can appear that there is a structure here, and upon deeper looking, there is not. When I look to where "I" points to, I find nothing--more like expansive space, a sense of being at rest, so-to-speak. Melissa is comprised of memories, social conditioning, patterned responses. The separate self begins in language and is maintained in language. There are these independent properties that are real--this body, thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories (or at least the experience of the memories/there existence themselves, etc.--Melissa however, is a label used to create the sense of a cohesive "something." Really, thoughts arise, feelings arise and they are not personal. The illusion is that they are personal, that "I" am captain of my own domain. Really, it's all life, living itself--there is a unique expression flowing through this body, and there is no "me" here.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It is subtle, yet profound. I find myself just going about life as before, and yet, there is this thought that arises--"there is no me here," and I feel a warmth wash over me. I find that there's less concern of what other's think. The thought arises, "Think what you want...there's no me here anyway!" I see how many versions of "me" can exist out there, how many stories of "me" can arise, and it's liberating to realize that I'm none of them. I find "myself" deeply humbled. There have historically been thoughts of wanting to "be someone," "be important" "special" and now, those thoughts/patterns/beliefs are falling away. I also find it easier to go through the day-to-day with a sense of aliveness--thoughts of "right or wrong" are falling away. I am an expression of life taking care of itself. Life is becoming wildly interesting without a need for melodrama.

I think of all of the things in nature, that without interference, thrive. I see that my life can be like this, too. There is a deeper desire to love, to serve life as it arises--and a falling away of identifying myself as the one who "did" that. Pride is shifting to overflowing gratitude.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Gosh. Looking itself. And also your powerful questions, your pointing--particularly when you had me look at the thoughts of doubt. Can I control them? No. This turned a lightbulb on. Seeing was happening.

I also have continued reading Gateless Gatecrashers while on the Subway and found that between your pointing and reading Elena and Illona's pointing, looking kept happening.

This seems key now, to continue that--or not. Haha! We'll see what/how it unfolds. I see that a shift has happened/is happening.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Please give examples from recent experience.
Thoughts of this arose, off and on, today. Particularly, "what am I responsible for" felt a little "sticky," so perhaps there is a need for more pointing/looking here. When I look, I see that I'm not "responsible" for anything in that "I'm" not causing it. There is no "me" to do that. Decision is simply something happening followed by the thought "I decided" and the felt sense of "decision." I do notice something newly--thought is powerful...more so than I got before. I now see that when thoughts arise, some sort of action often follows. There is a sense of limitlessness that I feel with this--seeing the power of creation with increasing clarity. Free will is almost an unnecessary concept--there isn't an outside agent acting upon "me," somehow, and there isn't "me" willing it. Life is happening, willing itself. Any sense of a personal will is happening as an expression of life itself. Choice, control--both just illusions. Thoughts can arise about choosing and while one thing may happen over another, there is no "me" choosing, just thought, feeling, action. Thoughts of "How can this be arise?" Yet, upon looking I cannot find a "chooser."

Thoughts are arising that everywhere I look there are people talking about "the choice is yours" "It's up to you" "You are responsible for your reality, etc." and I feel a bit like I just stepped into the twilight zone or went on retreat there and am coming back to the "real world." :) Seems like integration will start happening over time--right now, things feel a bit disjointed. I've also identified for a long time with "being responsible" for how I show up in relationships, for the "stories I create." I think I could use some support with integrating this. It feels challenging in some ways to relate to the world around me.

There is a longing to have community of people who have passed through the gate, to have support as falling away continues happening.

That's about it for now, looking forward to your response and ever grateful.

Melissa

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Alexw
Posts: 1364
Joined: Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:50 am

Re: Wake up, Melissa!

Postby Alexw » Sun Sep 13, 2015 1:56 am

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for your beautiful answers - great!

Could you please send me a private message on this forum with four Facebook name so we can add you to the LU groups on FB?

If you wish to continue our conversation for a bit longer (to discuss topics like responsibility etc) I can start a new thread in the Unleashed section of this forum. Please let me know if you would like to do that.

It was a pleasure talking to you!

Kind regards
Alex


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