I want to be an even better hostess

[Auren]

Hello,
I found you by chance (if there is such a thing) on tumblr through a comment, and I knew I had you check you out. Yes, the gateless gate is what I’m waiting for, or maybe I’m waiting for ‘it’ to come and get me.
I have always have difficulties in following or attaching to, the ‘social conventions’ on life that were imposed in my environment (western), but I did nonetheless. I did everything that was expected of me, and what was supposed to lead to a good life. Got a fantastic education, good job, married, child… later divorced and was happy as a clam as first, but then there was more of the same and I couldn’t see what the point was. I just carried along, but had a serious break down at some point. I thought I needed to feel what real love is, there must be the answer. For the last two years I got involved in a couple of toxic relationships in an effort to establish a real, meaningful connection with another person. That effort resulted in a very painful breakup and a pretty dark period, even though somehow I knew what I was doing. In my darkest hour I had an experience. I guess I can call it an spiritual experience since it was like nothing I have even come close to. I was meditating, looking at my pain, feeling it in full, and then I felt this enormous love for me, nothing I have felt before. I had my eyes closed and the cosmos appeared, I was no one, the self I knew was gone, I saw myself as a white point, like a star, surrounded by many others out in space, and that ‘living loving thing’ was all over, it was my father and mother. I don’t know how long it lasted, I completely lost track of time. I was completely shattered by the experience, I couldn’t believe that had happened but I didn’t try to understand it and I didn’t fight it either. Since then ( about 6 months ago) I can feel I’m changing, some days I’m overwhelmed but I don’t know what from, as if some kind of ‘knowledge’ is slowly pouring itself on me, and I allow it. For the last 2 years I have been meditating. Nothing big, nothing formal, just because it felt good, and right. Since then I have meditated some more. Something is coming and I don’t know what it is, but at the same time, I don’t care, I welcome it. Maybe you can help me being an even better hostess :).

[Petrus]

Hi Auren,

Welcome here!
I will be happy to be your guide.
What are you expecting from this?

[Auren]

I don't know...! A friend on the way (or in the no-way)? I don't have questions as such (maybe weirdly enough...), I am simply waiting and thought this was a good place to wait, with people that can understand what I'm going through and maybe give me some pointers?

[Petrus]

I am in the Western Indonesian Timezone (GMT +8). So I saw and replied your message in the middle of the night. Because it was night the message was a little short.

I don't know...! I don't have questions as such...)

Not knowing is good place to start from.

What we are doing here is a process of looking at what IS.
It's all about readiness and willingness to look.
So my question is how ready are you?
How ready are you to leave all that you know and take a look at what IS now?

Here are some groundrules:
1. Write from experience, not speculation.
2. Be 100% honest.
3. Post regularly.
4. Put aside all other teachings, philosophies and such for the remainder of this investigation.
5. Read the disclaimer on the Liberation Unleashed main site -> http://liberationunleashed.com/disclaimer-2/

If you confirm you have read the above we can start.

[Auren]

I am in the Western Indonesian Timezone (GMT +8). So I saw and replied your message in the middle of the night. Because it was night the message was a little short.

That’s fine, I really appreciate your time and effort :-)

It's all about readiness and willingness to look.
So my question is how ready are you?
How ready are you to leave all that you know and take a look at what IS now?

I am more than ready, -after what I have experienced the last months, ‘all that I knew’, which was already very little, has been severely challenged, and replaced by the feeling that everything is made up by one. As far as teachings and philosophies are concerned (maybe religions included), I know none. I have never followed any or practiced any religion. I have read though a little Osho, a little Lao Tzu, a little Eckhart Tolle… I like reading it because it all resonates but I don’t cling to any. And to be honest, I don’t remember much theory, only ‘hints’ or ‘hinches’ remain.

Willingness is definitely there too, for as I see it, I have nothing to lose. It’s not so much desperation, though it may sound that way, is more like faith. The journey has already begun and I have already could see the way the quality of my life has evolved, and felt the ‘rightness’ of it, so I feel a bit fearless :-).

About the groundrules, all check to the best of my abilities, and I read the disclaimer too.

[Petrus]

Auren, that sounds very good! Ready indeed.

Can you tell me, do you have expectations for this process?
How will it change you?
How will it feel?

[Auren]

I guess it’s not an expectation as such, it’s more like a blank page I’m ready to write, with your guidance and my instinct. I have absolutely no idea where it will take me, I just feel the course is ‘right’ and I have learned (the hard way) to trust my instinct. If I had to put into words what it is that I now feel it’s going to happen, then I’d say liberation, nothing more (and nothing less!). So no expectations really, and no changes other than what getting out of the illusion may bring.
It will feel liberating I guess :), it cannot be worse than the ups and downs (specially the downs) the illusion brings about. I know it’s not worse because I’ve never felt better, and I haven’t even started yet! :)

[Petrus]

What if the end of the process would be: clear, but ordinary and no more spiritual experiences?
Would you continue anyway?"

[Auren]

Yes. Clear and liberated is the same thing for me. My goal is not being special so ordinary works for me, and, even though the spiritual experience was breathtaking, I have not seek or longed for any more. It was what it was.

[Petrus]

Ok Auren, you are doing fine. Not expecting fireworks.

What comes up when I say:
"There is absolutely no separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I' at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form and there never was"?

[Auren]

I see a bunch of thoughts defining and assessing (judging) everything: situations, people, and a made up character shaped by experiences and internalized concepts.

[Petrus]

So far it seems there is no problem for you.
But in the same time you said you are waiting.

What is it you are waiting for?
Is the waiting you a part of the made up character?
What is not clear?

it cannot be worse than the ups and downs (specially the downs) the illusion brings about.

Can you describe the nature of this illusion?
How does it bring about ups and downs?

[Auren]

What is it you are waiting for?
Is the waiting you a part of the made up character?
What is not clear?

The waiting may be a part of the made up character, I don’t know. The waiting is more a feeling than a wish though. I say this, because I sometimes read about the feeling of oneness for example. The full non-identification with your thoughts (I may be there, I don’t know) and the knowing that we are all one single something, some call it consciousness. People who are awaken seem to have come to the realization of ‘merging’, of no boundaries, of a single energy, that we are all related. I don’t know that, so I must be still in the illusion of separation.
Nothing is not clear, thus the waiting for the, maybe I can call it chrystalization of the realization.

Can you describe the nature of this illusion?
How does it bring about ups and downs?

When something from the outside lured, excited and satisfied me, it was temporal. When I wanted something and I got it, in the best of cases left me insatisfied short after, in the worst, it hurt me. When I wanted something and didn’t get it, it hurt me.

[Petrus]

Thank you again Auren for your willingness to answer!

The waiting may be a part of the made up character, I don’t know.

If you don't know, you maybe can have a look right now? Is it a part of the made up character?
Is there really a made up character? Or is just thoughts coming up one after the other?

By the way here are no good or bad answers here. The only thing you can do is look closely and be honest to yourself. That is the way to figure this out.

I sometimes read about the feeling of oneness for example. The full non-identification with your thoughts (I may be there, I don’t know) and the knowing that we are all one single something, some call it consciousness.

So you found some hidden expectations now?
Maybe you can find more of them now the box is open?

People who are awaken seem to have come to the realization of ‘merging’, of no boundaries, of a single energy, that we are all related.

You can check about bounderies yourself!
If you close your eyes where do you end? Can you feel where your skin is? Do you end there?
Is there an end or beginning anyhow?

I don’t know that, so I must be still in the illusion of separation.

The I that does not know, what is that? Where is that I?
Is it a thought amongst other thoughts?
The I still in the illusion, is that the same I as the one that doesn't know?

What comes up when I say:
"There is absolutely no separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I' at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form and there never was"?

I see a bunch of thoughts defining and assessing (judging) everything: situations, people, and a made up character shaped by experiences and internalized concepts.

Could you also answer the question now? So not only say what comes up, but look closely and answer what you find out. You can close your eyes and look for an "I". Can you find one?
If Yes, where is it? If No, what do you find instead?
Again here: there are no good answers or wrong answers.
Only be 100% honest and after looking write down the answer.

Take your time for these questions. We have all the time there is.

[Auren]

Thank you for your answer and your questions! I am being as honest and straightforward as I can, and your pointings helps me a lot, so thank you.

If you don't know, you maybe can have a look right now? Is it a part of the made up character?
Is there really a made up character? Or is just thoughts coming up one after the other?
Could you also answer the question now? So not only say what comes up, but look closely and answer what you find out. You can close your eyes and look for an "I". Can you find one?
If Yes, where is it? If No, what do you find instead?

No, I can’t find an ‘I’, I find a ‘thinking process’, thoughts.

So you found some hidden expectations now?
Maybe you can find more of them now the box is open?

Yes, they are part of the thinking process. I’m not aware of any other.

You can check about bounderies yourself!
If you close your eyes where do you end? Can you feel where your skin is? Do you end there?
Is there an end or beginning anyhow?

Haha no, that's right I don’t end there! :D
And no, I can’t see the beginning or the end of me :)

The I that does not know, what is that? Where is that I?
Is it a thought amongst other thoughts?
The I still in the illusion, is that the same I as the one that doesn't know?

The I that doesn’t know is the one who experiences, I don’t feel it’s a thought. I can’t find the I still in the illusion… that feels more like a thought…