Ready for action

[Brkovski]

I am looking for guide to navigate me to see it once for all. For long time I am on this path of selfrealisation. Started with transcendental meditation, practiced it for some time and then stoped because of laziness and puberty hitting me hard time. After few years of surviving the war in my country I joined SaiBaba movement for few years and after that Hare Krishna movement. After few years I lost interest in all because I felt that something is wrong. I was on more on impersonal side and I never understood this rituals. But I never stopped investigating and searching for truth. So I started reading buddhist books, which resonated with me very much. I had some realizations during all this years but nothing lasted for long. Before few days I stumbled on this site and started to read the book. Reading it for me was like a journey. It went from complete misunderstanding and doubts to the some kind of understanding of truth and seeing that there is no I. I can comprehend it mentally but sometimes doubt comes, what I can see also as this mental labeling process. This I feels like in need of push....
Help

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

I would be happy to guide you. You can call me Akash.
Can you please tell me, what are your expectations from this process ? Can you please add a little more to what you have already said ?

Regards
Akash

[Brkovski]

Hello, Akash.
Thank you for responding.
My expectation is to see without a doubt for myself complete truth, once and for all.
On my spiritual journey I had some glimpses of truth so I don't expect that something grandiose will occur or that I will live happily ever after. I know that life stream brings as positive, so negative things in life and I accepted that fact. I just need to see the truth, to see that there is no seer.
While reading Gateless Gatecrashers something was opening, I mentally could see that I don’t exist, that the body is a perfect mechanism composed of billions of different cells that maintain their separate life's (they have functions similar to any other being), and all together make up the entity which the brain thinks is the self. This I don't have control over breathing, digestion or any other process in the body.
In addition, the body is conditioned to the extent that it wouldn’t exist without trees to produce oxygen or without sun or without so many processes and animals in nature.
Likewise, there are brain cells, which with mutual interaction, without my interference, create thoughts and emotions and react to outer stimuli. This mind and I is like some mechanism conditioned with environment and processes in the body. This reasoning is new to me because I didn’t see this mind as some mechanical process before.
BUT this I is like thief, silently comes and steel all. In other words, these realizations are not constant, so I suppose that it's my expectation, that this realizations lasts.
I must say that it's definitely much easier to function knowing these things.
All best

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

Thanks for your response. Lets get the formalities out of the way :

If you haven't already seen it, there is introductory info here, the disclaimer and a short video too.
http://www.liberationunleashed.com/
If you could confirm you have seen all the above we can continue.

There are a few ground rules, please respond to confirm:
1. You agree to post at least once a day.
2. In general, the guide will ask the questions for you to respond to
3. Responses require your utmost honesty
4. Responses are best from direct experience (felt senses and observed thoughts). Longwinded
analytical and philosophical answers are best avoided and may even hinder progress.
5. Put aside all other teachings, philosophies and such for the remainder of this investigation.
Really put all your effort and attention in to seeing this reality, as it is. If you have a daily and
essential meditation practice, it is fine to continue that.
6. Please learn to use the quote function; instructions are located in the link below this line:
http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/v ... ?f=4&t=660

Regards
Akash

[Brkovski]

Hi Akash,
I saw this video and agree to the disclaimer,
all good
let's go

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

Can we please leave aside all our expectations ? We will try and see where our investigation takes us ... :)

I had some realizations during all this years but nothing lasted for long.

What realizations did you have ?

It went from complete misunderstanding and doubts to the some kind of understanding of truth and seeing that there is no I.

What was your understanding/misunderstanding ? What does no "I" mean ?

On my spiritual journey I had some glimpses of truth so I don't expect that something grandiose will occur or that I will live happily ever after. I know that life stream brings as positive, so negative things in life and I accepted that fact.

Very Good ... :)

I just need to see the truth, to see that there is no seer.

According to you who is this "I" that needs to see the truth ? What does this "I" comprise of ?

[Brkovski]

Hi Akash,
let's continue....

What realizations did you have ?

In my life I had a lot of realizations and all of them had some small impact to the my view of the world, but now when I think about that, it was like I was breaking branches instead of pull out whole tree from the ground.
At a university lecture in physics I was completely amazed when the teacher was telling us that matter is made up of the same particles. That resonated in my head for days. For me then everything was connected on this atomic level, we were all one.
Later, the war happened in my country and it was hard core. Death, hunger, lack of everything, complete disaster. We where for four years in siege, constantly bombarded and you never know when you could die. I was seventeen then. Just a kid. Whole this danger and uncertainty of life itself and lack of basic needs for life like food and water is terrible thing BUT is in the same time very liberating if you don't resist. Because your needs are reduced to minimum, all masks fell down because all people are in same shit just fighting to survive. During it, I dreamt to have a proper bath for hours. After the war when I had a bath that was a big realization for me. When I was lying in the water I was asking myself is that it, is that all, I was awaiting this moment and now where is this happiness. That was shocking for me. Where is that haven and bliss and all. I didn’t realize completely that it's in my head, it has been just like big question which every little warning me that desires are strange and unfulfillable, so to say.
The next big thing was when I had gout in India. Every joint was in big big pain and I was paralyzed. Then I saw that I am not the owner of this body, and that I can't move a finger without "Gods" mercy. Those were years of bhakty, hehhehe. Because I was in Bhakty yoga I didn’t analyze it and when I look it now that was sooooo close.
After my father died, I was constantly thinking about death and questioning myself what is gone and where did he go. This made me brake illusions of a personal god and I become some kind of atheist. Then I didn’t know buddhism so well. There are a lot more, but it's too much now and maybe irrelevant to this conversation.

What was your understanding/misunderstanding ? What does no "I" mean ?

By reading the book "Gateless Gatecrashers" I was going thru some process. Firstly, I couldn’t even mentally comprehend the fact that there is no any I which is not controlling things, but analyzing it I got glimpses of it. I must admit that still, doubts come regarding the free will but after fundamental analysis, I got it that its like that on this "absolute" level and that when I think from this mind level its very hard to see it.
This makes me think that I still didn’t get it, because this is not permanent.
The book helped me to deepen understanding of the functions of mind and to look at it like its just another organ which functions are to pop up thoughts, emotions and feelings. This helped me not to take it so seriously.
Whit this I meant just that I don't accept this mind with this labeling and thoughts so easy.

According to you who is this "I" that needs to see the truth ? What does this "I" comprise of ?

This last question is most important.
Who is this "I" that needs to see the truth? What does this "I" comprise of ?
I mentally know that "I" don't exist, but how this mind don't understand it?
This is telling me that this "I" is this mind/brain and full set of thoughts for me.
Right now it's very hard to answer to this question, like I lost all concentration and all knowledge.
It looks to me like it's a collection of all the thoughts and all the processes in the brain so that means that it is impermanent and non-existent.
All best dear friend.

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

Right now it's very hard to answer to this question, like I lost all concentration and all knowledge.

As of this moment, this very moment in your direct experience what is the I ? what does it comprise of ?

Love
Akash

[Brkovski]

Hi dear friend Akash,
I went out for a walk and thought about everything, big thought...
There are just thoughts, feelings and emotions and nobody to control anything.
Its like the flow of life is doing all this.
Snowflake is not trying to fall, it's just falling.

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

There are just thoughts, feelings and emotions and nobody to control anything.

Please check are feelings and emotions anything else other than a series of thoughts and sensations ?
Thoughts can be real, but can the content of thoughts be real ?

Love
Akash

[Brkovski]

Hi Akash,
Thoughts, feeling and emotions are just a temporary product of this body/machine,
like breath, pain...
Seems like thoughts are couse of chemical reactions in body that produces emotions and all kind of sensations in body.
Content of toughts is impermanent and dependent of extemal environment/situation. Its very hard to resist to see it like that in difficult times as in life threatining situation for instance.
For now it easy to see impermanence of toughts.

Love
B

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

Please do one thing, raise your hand and wave it. Describe in your direct experience what is happening.

Love,
Akash

[Brkovski]

Good morning Akash,
I get up this morning with wery sticky mind, it still label and hijack all processes and give them this label "I".
But when I ask who is wavng the hand, there is just silence. It seems like I still need to ensure and talk to myself and analize situation to see clearly. In same time I accept all this as just mental processes. It sounds contradictory but its like that, I am just honest.
Peace & love
B

[akamad007]

Hi Brkovski,

We can only get "There" by complete honesty.

Thoughts are perceived, but can they perceive ?

Love,
Akash

[Brkovski]

Hi Akash,
of course that thoughts can`t perceive.
Thoughts just come and go from nowhere,
or maybe from this organ called mind,
but there is nobody to control that process.
Thoughts are like clouds in the sky of the awareness.