AM I?

[vinceschubert]

My liberation will be something new.
My point of view on life will expand,
I mean, gradually, there will be no fear-based limits for creating new ideas and fullfilling life with them.
There will be life feeled, fully experienced with 'highs and lows'.

Now I feel 'myself', but sometimes I partially understand that this 'nonexistence' could be true,
but this feeling/idea is very foggy.
I have a feeling of my mind pushing me away from looking at 'me', like my mind is blocking the truth inside.
It is connected with my subtle social anxiety, but there is no fear when I 'try' to look at 'myself', my fears are distant for 'me' for seeing them. They are rooted, I grew up with them. So fear is blocking me from seeing the truth, but it is blocking me subconciously, not directly. It's connected with my poor concentration (for example I cannot read one page of some absorbing book... I get easily distracted and get discouraged after 10 pages...)


Again sorry for chaotic thoughts and not perfect english.

Hi, AM I?
first thing, give me your preferred label (name) so that there is a connection as we talk (type)
second thing, do you agree to stay with me until you are 'cooked' ?
third thing, change your signature from "Sorry for not perfect english" to "my version of english can be interesting"

[AM I?]

Call me Bartek.

I agree to stay with you until I'm cooked, but I'm going to sleep in about 1h, so we must hurry ;)

[AM I?]

or better call me John ;)

and please remove my name from my previous post

[AM I?]

ok, I'm going to sleep, I'll be back in 24 hours or 48, see you

[vinceschubert]

Ok, i am going to talk to Bartek as these posts can't be edited once done - just like a face to face conversation.

like my mind is blocking the truth inside

Let's start by looking at your statement above.
Define 'mind'
Define 'blocking'
Define 'truth'

see you when you wake up...

[AM I?]

Define 'mind'
Define 'blocking'
Define 'truth'

-the mind is complicated abstract system of thoughts created by brain

-blocking is something which is manifesting by anger, irritation, muscle tightening, clouded thinking, demotivation, and by the pressure in the head

-the truth - I don't know what is the truth, I came here to get that knowledge.
I think it is the thing which seeing will help ME with social relations, with quieting mind,
with identifying false thoughts and beliefs

[vinceschubert]

I came here to get that knowledge

Bartek, a lot of what you say is what somebody that has passed through the gate might say, but it is certainly not anything you can know before that.
You are ahead of yourself man - and that is going to stop you ever getting there.
We need to empty out so there is room for new experiences.
How might we do this ?

[AM I?]

well... I have no idea.

I was addicted to RT and the blogroll for a few months, so my language/thoughts are infected with no-self and everything around it. I don't know how to reset.

[vinceschubert]

I have no idea

Excellent answer.
i understand what you say as it was an issue for me too.
What's done can't be undone. (just like the name thing above)
You have to live with it.
What you now have to do is develop a new faculty that distinguishes what is an original Bartek experience and what is second hand knowledge.
If you believe the piece of rope is a snake, you react to a snake. You just have to learn to look better.
Your body is the key. The sensations tell you a lot about what your mind is up to.

the pressure in the head

What are the subtleties of this pressure ?
When blocking is happening, if you can describe this pressure like it is a living thing and even give it detailed intentions, then your description will tell you about the thought process behind it.
What might be the consequences of not being blocked ? (ask yourself the original question again)

[AM I?]

What are the subtleties of this pressure ?

well, now there isn't any pressure, just foggyness. A lot of it.
Blockade is abstract, transparent.
I am unable to focus on 'myself'.

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What might be the consequences of not being blocked ?

I have no idea! ;)

[vinceschubert]

just foggyness. A lot of it.

Describe you experience of this fogginess.
What is your experience of "unable to focus."

I have no idea! ;)

Then why would you want to change it ?

[AM I?]

Describe you experience of this fogginess.

The problem is simple - I want to focus, but I'm unable to.
Reading a book is a good example.
The plot is interesting, nevertheless when I read something I'm focused mainly on the letters, on the shape of them, or on the other thoughts, not related to the book, or on the fact that I have terrible concentration and I'm more and more focused on my feeling of irritation. And that pattern of uncontrolled actions/decisions goes in a loopy, spiral way, if you know what I mean.
My imagination is most of the time limited through that ego-blockade.
But I love to listen to music. It helps me to go with the flow, to be on the wave, to be focused and in peace.
My mind doesn't need to be focused on the melody, on every note. I'm forgetting that the music is playing, my mind is living, through the music at that moments.
But I't would be unhealthy to listen to music all the time.

So... any ideas? :D

[vinceschubert]

Hey Bartek, glad your back. Hope Christmas was kind to you.

I'm focused mainly on the letters, on the shape of them, or on the other thoughts, not related to the book, or on the fact that I have terrible concentration and I'm more and more focused on my feeling of irritation. And that pattern of uncontrolled actions/decisions goes in a loopy, spiral way

Let me paraphrase that and see what you might be really saying;
I'm thinking about the letter shapes, or on the other thoughts, not related to the book, or I'm thinking about the fact that my thoughts are all over the place and then I'm thinking about thoughts that are about how stupid those thoughts are and then those thoughts go around and around and grow more as they go around and around.
Tell me what you make of that.

[AM I?]

yeah, I think you get it ;)

[AM I?]

sometimes I read one sentence five times, till I get it > then I start to read next sentence > and next one > and then I get back to the first sentence because I have a problem of comprehend the whole fragment.