Looking for a guide

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Jaya
Posts: 44
Joined: Fri Apr 19, 2013 12:32 pm

Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Sat Apr 20, 2013 8:03 am

Hi there,
I am hoping for a guide. I got very excited when I heard about this site.
Like folks on here, I feel that i resonate with the notion of no-self, i
guess maybe more with the notion of no fixed self. The only way I can
describe this is glimpses of being in a different way to how i am feeling
right now. I know intuitively that there is another way of 'being' in the
world and very hopeful around this but feel stuck.

I have been meditating for over ten years and have been trying to get to
know this self to break free from it and would like to think i have made
some progress which is why this excites and fascinates me. When i try and
explore say for example painful experience and try and think about where my
fixed self is or who is experiencing this it works to some extent but there
is a sense of something which i cant put into words!! maybe consciousness
but I am no freer in my experience. I do not seem to be able to sustain any
of these experiences which is frustrating. I have worked very much on metta
and mindfulness.

Not sure what else to write but if someone can help i would really
appreciate that.
metta Jaya

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clearskye
Posts: 226
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:43 am

Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:07 pm

Jaya,
I would be happy to work with you.

Please tell me what your expectations are of this experience, and what your fears are.
There are a few ground rules, please respond to confirm:

1. You agree to post at least once a day.
2. In general, the guide will ask the questions for you to respond to
3. Responses require your utmost honesty
4. Responses are best from direct experience (felt senses and observed thoughts). Long-winded analytical and philosophical answers are best avoided and may even hinder progress.
5. Put aside all other teachings, philosophies and such for the remainder of this investigation. Really put all your effort and attention in to seeing this reality, as it is. If you have a daily and essential meditation practice, it is fine to continue that.
6. Please learn to use the quote function; instructions are located in the link below this line:http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/v ... ?f=4&t=660
7. If you click on "full editor" there will be a box below and to the left to click so you will be notified when I respond to you. Please check that.

with love,
Skye

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Jaya
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Joined: Fri Apr 19, 2013 12:32 pm

Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:36 pm

Dear Skye,
Thank you very much for being willing to help me.

So my expectations, well I was going to say I am not sure, I have this fear that maybe I will be the special one who wont be able to do it! I know of a distant person who feels that they have crossed the gate which has made me really excited that it is possible, sooner rather than later. That maybe its not years and years away. I do feel my practice so far may have helped or might help but I don’t know.

My vision or a vision is that I hope that I may live life in a freer way. I believe a bit like the matrix film (the first one) that there is a simpler way of being, that there is more to things and would like to live more in a sense of a flow and ideally interconnection. I also hope that this experience will positively effect others, through me being different. I feel that I am very driven and constantly thirsting or grasping after something or someone, there is a lack sometimes in my experience, an emptiness in my core. Also that there is a momentum or something in my being. And I feel that when I am able to surrender or let go there is another way of being in the world. As if everything in my being opens up and then joy or something like that is there in my experience and i can see more clearly, things just come into my mind and make sense rather than when I am trying and holding on in some way.

So I don’t think that I look or sound different! I think maybe how I feel internally and how I experience my life may be different from this experience in a positive way! The real fear is I wont be able to do it!! I am not sure if this is direct experience enough, but I will try to do that.
I accept the ground rules.
Love Jaya

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clearskye
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Sat Apr 20, 2013 8:53 pm

Beautiful and honest, Jaya.
So here is what I can promise you: this knowing is equally available to all seven billion of us.

I'm on retreat this week, so may not respond so quickly. Forgive me for that.

Let's start with thoughts. Look and see--not in thinking about it--but in your direct experience now, if you can see them arise or if they show up full-blown, and if you have any control over them. Then report back. Feel free to give yourself a day of looking inward.

With love,
Skye

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:12 pm

Dear Skye
I hope your retreat is going well. So I have spent the day within activities trying to see where I show up. I was thinking that I want to get this right or something like I don’t want to get this wrong, I tried to see what who was the person trying to get this right, I could not pin point it.
Another thought then came in it felt like out of the blue which I then felt upset around and wondered whether it was my thoughts that I was attached too that gave me this sense of self. But the thought appeared to come from nowhere. I then thought that the mind’s process is to think and I was driving in the car and thought that I didn’t know who had driven so far (maybe because I was thinking and not that aware) and then thought I don’t need a me to drive. Yet there is this sense of something.
I think that I might need slightly longer because I was excited my your response and then realised that I have been reflecting on self and me and had not read your question right!!! I shall spend more time and bit of tomorrow reflecting more on your question as I feel that I might have gone off on a tangent. I wanted to post something to let you know that.
So I am going to think some more. Really appreciate you doing this for me.
Bye for now Jaya

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clearskye
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:23 am

Ah, Jaya, but don't think about all of this, but rather notice (prior to thinking, but not in time) how thoughts arise. Noticing and thinking are different. We notice the tingling in our feet, the mind labels it and thinks about it.

Retreat is splendid.
With love,
Skye

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clearskye
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:24 am

PS do you mind sharing with me, are you a man or a woman? I'm a woman.

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:43 am

Hi there, glad its going well. I shall spend the day whilst working trying to look into the noticing where thoughts come from- how they arise, but it does seem quite difficult. Shall feed back later today. Glad retreat going well. I thought you were a woman I am too.



I wonder whether I might enquire whether you on a Buddhist retreat? no worries if you dont want to answer or your're not.
love Jaya

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clearskye
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:49 pm

Hi, no, I'm on a retreat with Rupert Spira, a wonderful non-dual teacher. My fourth weeklong retreat with him.
With love,
Skye
PS while looking, keep in mind that "I don't know" or "I can't find it" is also a perfectly viable answer in this work.

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:54 pm

Dear Skye,
So.. I have been trying to focus more on my thoughts. Well sometimes I notice something (see it) and then start thinking about it, these then lead on to other thoughts. Sometime they seems to be willed or a directionality so that I am choosing to think about something but at other times thoughts just seem to come from out of the blue. Relating to sometimes relevant but other times totally out of the blue. I tried to think am I my thoughts? where are they coming from and initially felt very blocked, like I really don’t know. I do not seem to be able to control my thoughts or to will them to go!! My mind seems sometimes like a tv screen with all sorts playing on it with myself as the observer or other times as an active participant.

My mind just does its own thing and I am pushed and pulled into all directions. I felt that the thoughts then can result in emotional responses which then feedback (maybe like a loop) and this results in my body feeling a fuller response, making me feel there is something there. I wondered whether my sense of self is created by my thoughts but I noticed that when my thoughts subside sometimes there is a sense of calm (as I can often feel in my head) so there is still this sense of self when there is no thoughts. Then there are subtle sensations in the body maybe my diaphragm area. I wondered whether I am a will or something, whether I am consciousness? An attenuated feeling of something, but when I look into my body and try and find myself there, I cannot grasp anything, I disappear somewhere? there is just this subtle sense of something.

I am not sure if I am heading in the right direction.. is that a bit what you meant me to think about?
I hope you are well
Love Jaya

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Tue Apr 23, 2013 8:51 pm

Hi there dont feel under any pressure to respond, its important to be on retreat. I have been trying to find this sense of self. It feels a bit like blowing in the wind. One minute I have one thought and want to act on that and then there's another thought and I want to act on that. I have felt some fear somewhere in my solar plexus and also a sense of maybe there being no controller but I cant really see through to the reality of that. I am trying though!!

going to try and keep sitting with this, I think i know that i am not my thoughts and cant quite figure out what feels to be there underneath it but something persists.

I still feel hopeful that I can do it, whatever this seeing through is.
love Jaya

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:56 pm

Hi there Skye,
Hope you well. Thought i would share with you something that happened at work. There was a moment of me not being there and I felt really happy and then it passed but there is a residue. I am coming to see that I do not need to me there (if that makes sense) that things can flow perfectly and function without a me there... but still something persists. I am plugging away and trying to be with my bare experience... i am trying to not get caught in the content but reflect on where my thoughts are coming from and the loop to my bodily response.
I am on retreat this weekend and will try to be with bare experience more which i hope will be fruitful. I will try and respond though to any questions but will be back sunday (which might be when you are back as well).

i havent know whether to keep posting but think that was the guidelines.. so dutifully trying to abide to them ;-)

wishing you all the best Jaya

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:52 pm

Hi there Skye, come back all is forgiven ;-)
i just wanted to share an experience. I felt my mind full of thoughts and a momentum to go and do something, i tried to focus on the sensation in the body. It was in my solar plexus area and i tried to be more aware of that. I think i saw that it was just sensation in my body and from that came thoughts and impulse to go and do something. As i focused on that area i realised it was just sensation and the other bits were extra and that I did not need to do anything. I think i saw a link between sensation, thoughts and action driving that, like a bit of a loop, that then created this 'I' that needed to do something...... so something like labelling of the sensation became like a desire to do something, a thirst but in fact it was no other than bare sensation...

anyway i am trying to plug away and hope that you are back soon and have had a great time. I looked up your teacher seemed very interesting.
love Jaya x

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clearskye
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby clearskye » Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:08 am

Hi Jaya!
Thanks for being so patient with me while I retreated. Fabulous time. Yes, you are on the right track. Watch labeling of sensations, and how they, the sensations, kind of drive us toward labeling--because we were taught that.

Also look at how thoughts arise, and report on that.

Loved your moment at work.
And... if I'm away again, you certainly don't have to post every day...
with love,
Amrita

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Jaya
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Re: Looking for a guide

Postby Jaya » Wed May 01, 2013 4:44 pm

Hi there,
sorry for delay shall be doing more reflection tonight. Unfortunately have had bit of heart ache which has got in the way but working well with it and definitely wanting to try and do this even more now.
love jaya


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