Guidance please

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GreenTara
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Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:54 pm

Hi
I have read the guidance notes and watched the welcome video.
I am a buddhist and a meditator of only a few years. I have a basic intellectual understanding of the vimokshas but no experience.


I would love your help and seek a guide please.
Thank you
Love n metta
"Green Tara"

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Andrew White
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Re: Guidance please

Postby Andrew White » Wed Mar 13, 2013 11:29 pm

Hi Green Tara,

I'm available to support you if you'd like me to. Could you please tell me a little about you and what brings you here. I'd be interested to hear about your expectations and especially your motivation.

With best wishes,

Andrew
'Confine yourself to the present.' - Marcus Aurelius

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Thu Mar 14, 2013 1:34 am

Hi Andrew
First of all thank you for reply, and yes please I would love your guidance.

Ok so I'm 46. about 15 years ago I started to feel the need for a spiritual life, it arose with following some spontaneous 'visions'....the biggest result of which was me being open to the fact on a daily basis I was experiencing a mundane limited view of life....i guess it also brought an rising sense of unsatisfactoriness. Also It resulted in a career change.... I could no longer be satisfied with earning money to pay for a mortgage to pay for a house to live in whilst i earnt money!!! i retrained into a healing profession.

So when I came across the Buddha's Four Noble Truths I felt at home immediately. I have been studying avidly since then.

I found his site because of a facebook post and thought i'd check it out. And got immediately hooked by what everyone has posted!

So more about 'me'.... Sometimes, generally in meditation, I feel my consciousness shifts to be the observer, it feels like I expand like a mushroom cloud away from my own mind.

Sometimes when i think of others miles away I can sense their mood, so I believe in some kind of interconnectedness.

Sometimes I will experience something that steamrollers me with thoughts and then leaves me with a tiny amount of clarity. Something is still missing.

So then we come to the crunch... I understand intellectually there is no "I" -no "me" that creates the waves of thoughts that swirl through my head.

Today I have read a third of the Gatecrashers book (and will read the rest asap, probably tomorrow) .....it makes sense.... But i can't get past that screaming internal "me" to every question like "who creates these thoughts"!

I know there is no gremlin at the controls of my neural physiology pulling levels and making this body move/ analyse/ act ..... But what does if its not 'me'?

So why I'm here is to seek your help please to really see/ feel/ experience there is no "me". I am very much a thinker/analyser rather than a feeler.... It may help you to know this when posing your questions.

My motivation? To grow, to change, to find a little peace and to be able to share that. I am a healer and above all i believe in trying to improve ability to love and show compassion for all beings. It seems to me that awakening and then helping others to awaken has got to be the most healing thing I could do.

I open to your teaching/guidance Andrew and open to any question you wish to ask. i'm ready to change at whatever level. I understand and accept the disclaimer.

Thank you again for offering your help
Very best wishes
Green Tara



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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Thu Mar 14, 2013 1:37 am

Sorry that shouldve said 'levers' not levels,
and
improving 'MY' ability for showing love n conpassion. Too late for 'me' to be typing!


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Re: Guidance please

Postby Andrew White » Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:01 am

Hi Tara,

Feel free to tell me if you'd like to be called by a different name.

Thanks for all of the information, that's most helpful. I'm a 45 year old Buddhist, also more of a thinker/analyser so I get that. Can I suggest for the purposes of this enquiry that you do your best to set aside all preconceptions - even Buddhism, and try to look at things with a fresh approach - it won't help to be referencing our enquiry back to Buddhism or other teachings.

Can I also ask that you try to post at least once a day. There's no judgement in this, no right or wrong, so whatever is to be expressed please express it fully, openly and honestly and I'll do the same.

Your motivation to help others seem like a really good one, thank you for sharing that.

When you say:
I know there is no gremlin at the controls of my neural physiology pulling levers and making this body move/ analyse/ act ..... But what does if its not 'me'?
That really cuts to the heart of our enquiry, so just to give us a starting point and to refect that question back on you, when I say, "There is not now, never has been or ever can be a separate being or entity known as Tara", what response comes up for you? Really see this and share it along with the questions that pop up.

Best wishes,

Andrew
'Confine yourself to the present.' - Marcus Aurelius

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:08 pm

Hi Andrew

Tara is just fine thank you. So we are both about the same age, Buddhists and thinker/analysers.... Sounds like I found the right guide :)

Yes, I will try to set aside preconceptions and try a fresh approach.

Bearing this in mind, I will not refer to my Buddhist intellectualising of there being no self, as I clearly I don't get it in a heartfelt manner...so my responses below are the natural ones without analysing, except what came up from the post-experience of reading the sentence.

I'm enjoying reading the Gatecrashers book, but again I will try not to use wording from those stories, but stick to an honest reflection of what comes up. And therefore there are a lot of I's and me's and my's below! (Hope that's ok?... If you want me to try not to use them let me know, but I'm presuming I should use these terms until I feel differently?)


So about every hour today I have been re-reading your "there is not now, never has been or ever can be a separate being or entity known as Tara" and the following are the responses during the day:


but there's me, me, me!

Did my parents just name a body?

I know we all think differently, so If there's no me, who thinks this different stuff? E.g. , why does my body/brain Select favourite food rather than any fodder?

Who created this personality?

Who wants the awakening?

I'm aware most thoughts come up unbidden but Who is doing this thinking and typing?

When I start being aware of feelings, and trying to find a skilful response what/who does that?

When I'm aware I'm observing the thinker, who is the observer if there is no me?

If as you say there has never been a separate identity - this suggests something exists that is not separate - collective consciousness? I do love the experience of feeling an interconnectedness with others, but I usually still sense 'me'.


I understand I have no FIXED self, that every second my cellular structure is changing, the air that I breathe is different. My thoughts are changing, I'm changing. But no me at all?

Sometimes in meditation I can expand beyond my body and feel detached from it, so if there is no me what is this 'mind' that is experiencing the expansion if there is no me.

Who is learning to 'act as if' and be better at generosity, compassion, confidence and courage if there is no me?

Finally, some kind of relief that this might be true (but only on an intellectual level)


Mmm clearly I think to much! It's taken me a year to learn to 'feel' emotions in my body when I'm asked, rather than just saying "I'm fine" ....just to warn you Andrew! However, Tara is not known for giving up....

I have noticed when I try and read this, and the Gatecrashers for too long I feel a kind of wobble, but I can't say its fear. Maybe it's ego getting ready to fight!


That's it so far!
Best wishes

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:20 pm

Oh whoopsie! Please stick with Tara...... hopefully that will get lost in the depths of time!...I guess there's now way of editing that!?

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Re: Guidance please

Postby Andrew White » Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:40 pm

Hi Tara,

Okay that's a great start and thanks for sharing what came up.
I will not refer to my Buddhist intellectualising of there being no self, as I clearly I don't get it in a heartfelt manner.
The reason this is so important is that we rarely if ever see the mind/thought as it is - just an arising. We're going to focus on seeing and directly experiencing. Thinking won't help us so don't let your thinking mind charge off with this idea or that thought. Use the breath to focus back on the moment as often as you catch it doing so.

If you meditate keep with it, it might support this enquiry. Try to cultivate the space to look and see/experience before the analytical mind jumps in and tries to 'understand'.
And therefore there are a lot of I's and me's and my's below! (Hope that's ok?.
Don't worry about this at all, it's a convention of speech that's hard to avoid but insofar as it gives you pause to reflect that such things are merely labels, they can also prove useful.
but there's me, me, me!
How do you know?
Did my parents just name a body?
What if that's true?
I know we all think differently, so If there's no me, who thinks this different stuff? E.g. , why does my body/brain Select favourite food rather than any fodder?

Who created this personality?

Who wants the awakening?
Do thoughts need a thinker? Don't assume, look.
Whe a choice is made, can you find the chooser - actually FIND the chooser?
Does creation need a creator or wanting need an 'owner'?
I'm aware most thoughts come up unbidden but Who is doing this thinking and typing?

When I start being aware of feelings, and trying to find a skilful response what/who does that?

When I'm aware I'm observing the thinker, who is the observer if there is no me?
When the heart beats do you make it beat? What about when you perspire, how can that happen without a conscious controller - oh wait....

Look at all of the processes the body manages without a controller. How does that happen?
Look at all of the processes around you. As you go through your day tomorrow actively clock each one, each movement - a cloud, a raindrop, a leaf growing, all of it and ask, does it all need controllers?
Then why do you suppose out of all the vastness of the cosmos, the thoughts arising in your head are an exception and need a controller? What is your basis for that?
It's taken me a year to learn to 'feel' emotions in my body when I'm asked, rather than just saying "I'm fine"
Next time emotions arise bring awareness to them. Don't judge, push out or try to change them, just look. You need to get really good at seeing without thought or judgement.

Tomorrow and from now on, each time you're not required to think, don't. When you walk from one place to another don't think about getting there, or where you've been; the conversation you're about to have or email you need to write, just be in the moment.

You need to find some silence and while we all have busy days and busy lives you can find gaps to be with silence. It takes practice - it might even take a lot of practice, so good that you're persistent.

Have a go at this and have a go at the questions and report only what arises.

Best wishes,

Andrew
'Confine yourself to the present.' - Marcus Aurelius

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:16 pm

Hi Andrew

Today has been a full on day.... a day of lots of heart warming communication But not much time for silence or mindfulness! I did manage to get as far as a fairly mindfully shower and preparation for my day, and now the evening is just me, so I can meditate and try to be more quiet.

Yes I have a daily meditation practice, only really just managing to get a proper daily routine, so I'm glad you say keep with it.

I will indeed try to cultivate the space to look and see/experience before the analytical mind kicks in.... That will take some work :0). I will stick with it!

Anyway, thank you for all your reply....following up on some points, just again to show my natural responses, and not because I in any refute what you're saying .... Please keeping saying it whatever you think I need to get drummed in to my head!

Re me me me and How do I know? ..... it feels like there's a difference between the mindless flow of drivel (papanca) ...thoughts that seem to flow unaided and clearly don't need a thinker.....which I do get to my core (but thought this was a subconscious me) ......and deliberate thought which feels like a 'me' is thinking..... so what or who is the me? I don't know!

Re the fact my parents may have just named a body - that made me chuckle! The irony I guess.

Every time I type I or me or my, yes i now pause and wonder! ....Can I see a me in this thinking? Now I know I'm working towards knowing there isn't a me, but at the moment Whilst it maybe a bundle of neurons that creates this mind but this mind feels like there's a me! So no, I can't see a chooser or a thinker but it feels like my mind.

The response to your questions about bodily functions being uncontrolled leads to a "but they're controlled by the central nervous system, part of the spinal cord, controlled by the neurons that are in our brain.....but mmmm who is controlling the brain? Is the mind in the brain? Or the heart? Or outside the body? I don't know.

I know in the right circumstances I can expand my mind outside the structure of my body? So (and here's a less rhetorical question for you) is my mind part of the "me" that I have to see through the illusion of too? or is mind when it feels part of something much larger exactly what I'm supposed to experience?

Nature is when the me starts to hide more readily. In fact I can see the amazing processes of nature changing 'without controllers' much easier! I don't think I'm a totally lost cause as I when I'm on a large beach, I can lose myself, ......I become the air, the sea, the different qualities of sand, and then I leave and it's like bang there's me again.

I also can see that thinking I'm a 'me' and the rest if the cosmos doesn't have a me (outside of other sentient beings) is a big ego thing.....but its just how it feels!.... At the moment.

I have been finding periods of calm, relief in the last couple of days after thinking about this stuff, subconscious levels of change? contentment from the idea of change? I have no idea and I'm not going to think about it. Just noting.

I shall spend the weekend trying to find more silence, more mindfulness without thought or label!

Best wishes
Tara

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Re: Guidance please

Postby Andrew White » Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:29 pm

Hi Tara,

Thanks for your response. For the benefit of others reading this later you might want to look into the quote function. Basically when replying, highlight the text you want and then hit the purple 'Quote' button on the post and hey presto, it pops in.
and not because I in any refute what you're saying .... Please keeping saying it whatever you think I need to get drummed in to my head!
There's nothing to drum into anything. Nothing to teach. Just look.
it feels like there's a difference between the mindless flow of drivel (papanca) ...thoughts that seem to flow unaided and clearly don't need a thinker.....which I do get to my core (but thought this was a subconscious me) ......and deliberate thought which feels like a 'me' is thinking..... so what or who is the me? I don't know!
But there's an assumption here isn't there - that there actually is a 'who', a 'what'. And what can this assumption be? - another thought.
It's circular then isn't it? I believe there's a believer because if there wasn't then who believes?

But what's in this more than thought..?
Now I know I'm working towards knowing there isn't a me, but at the moment Whilst it maybe a bundle of neurons that creates this mind but this mind feels like there's a me! So no, I can't see a chooser or a thinker but it feels like my mind.
Towards? How can we work towards what isn't there?
Bundle of neurons... if you take away the labels here, what is the concept behind this?
When you hold that concept in mind what do you have?
Is this thought more than just a thought?
While you're having this thought where is reality?
but they're controlled by the central nervous system, part of the spinal cord, controlled by the neurons that are in our brain.....but mmmm who is controlling the brain? Is the mind in the brain? Or the heart? Or outside the body? I don't know.
Exactly, keep going, push harder... to see. Always where is it? Which cell, which group of cells? Is self in a finger? What if I cut it off, have I lost myself? Is it in this body? If I lose my legs am I less me? Well, where is it? What is known? What is more than just labels and thoughts? Strong, strong assumptions.
I know in the right circumstances I can expand my mind outside the structure of my body? So (and here's a less rhetorical question for you) is my mind part of the "me" that I have to see through the illusion of too? or is mind when it feels part of something much larger exactly what I'm supposed to experience?
So thoughts can be outside a body... Does that make them more than thoughts? Don't let this attachment to an experince be a barrier for you. Put your faith in it if you like, but what relevance does it have? The mind won't understand all mysteries but that's not our enquiry here is it?

Are you part of something larger? Is there a real 'you' to be part of a real 'other'?
Nature is when the me starts to hide more readily. In fact I can see the amazing processes of nature changing 'without controllers' much easier! I don't think I'm a totally lost cause as I when I'm on a large beach, I can lose myself, ......I become the air, the sea, the different qualities of sand, and then I leave and it's like bang there's me again.
Good, just resting in the moment - that's no-thought, just seeing/experiencing. The faith and trust to just let it all go like this is good. See where else you can do this. Do you dare do it on the bus? In a lift? Try.
but its just how it feels!.... At the moment.
Can feelings be relied on? Cultivate seeing and look at this, look behind it. What's underneath it? Is there a 'self' there at all?
I shall spend the weekend trying to find more silence
Just as a thought here, but silence is there whether you find it or not. Even in the midst of noise you can find silence - give it a go, it's just like seeing the space between the stars.

Best wishes,

Andrew
'Confine yourself to the present.' - Marcus Aurelius

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Re: Guidance please - Green Tara

Postby GreenTara » Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:39 am

Dear Andrew

I'm on a proper PC now....seems a little easier for using the quote thingy.
But there's an assumption here isn't there - that there actually is a 'who', a 'what'. And what can this assumption be? - another thought.
I agree, with you, the "I don't know" was the beginning of my doubting the existence or self or where to find it...still intellectually I guess.....but also a little feeling from starting to look and not really finding something I could call me...but still a strong feeling of me. Early days of course....will keep looking.
But what's in this more than thought..?
Nothing! Also mainly an intellectual response. But finding this useful at starting a shaking of my core beliefs.
While you're having this thought where is reality?
Well I guess all around, but not specifically in a me!
Well, where is it? What is known? What is more than just labels and thoughts? Strong, strong assumptions.
It is clear intellectually that everything I think/feel/see etc is a label with an "I" stuffed in front of it.

I had a useful 'wobble' this morning, when someone said something to me, and I thought about when I have PMT .... I get tearful, these days uncontrollablely so, for 2 days per month - this is a process completely controlled by hormones.... I get frustrated about it, I am certainly not in control then.....that made me realise that if "I" am not in control of this body for 2 days a month "I" am probably not ever....oeeerrr! Never thought I'd say that PMT was helpful :o) ! ...a few seconds understanding in a heartfelt way... I will keep looking at that too.
So thoughts can be outside a body... Does that make them more than thoughts? Don't let this attachment to an experince be a barrier for you. Put your faith in it if you like, but what relevance does it have?
Until I came across this site, this week, I hadn't considered that thoughts could exist without mind or without self in this way - I don't know what I thought! Anyway point taken....just trying to look only new answers....
The mind won't understand all mysteries but that's not our enquiry here is it?
I guess not. :) I certainly don't want to complicate things and will trust the process.
Are you part of something larger? Is there a real 'you' to be part of a real 'other'?
I'm beginning to suspect not! at least not a real me and other, only that there must be some greater life force, that everything is part of, energy.

Anyway when I'm looking for myself, I do realise I can't sense even a gender, the internal voice I've always called 'me' seems totally androgynous and still thinks as I did when I was 12 or 13, the only difference is a little more experience.

With regard to letting go of my experience of self, which I've managed on a beach a few times, you said
Do you dare do it on the bus? In a lift? Try.
Yes I dare! I managed it a few times this afternoon, sitting with my Gran as she died.

But her actual death has knocked the wind out of my sails a bit....too emotionally attached. I guess some stuff is just too difficult to intellectualise and needs to be seen and experienced!
Can feelings be relied on? Cultivate seeing and look at this, look behind it. What's underneath it? Is there a 'self' there at all?
No feelings can't be relied upon. I can say that from a heartfelt view. For example in my experience 1) fluctuating hormones can lead to unnecessary anxiety. Also 2) what I can 'feel' is often not my stuff at all (even in the conventional sense of the word 'my') but other peoples! i.e. being fairly empathetic I tend to pick up on other people's emotional pain and can get tearful, if I don't deliberately block it. My belief on this has always been about interconnectedness. As already mentioned, sometimes this is from friends miles away, not just those I'm with. But this too is probably off at a tangent.


Just as a thought here, but silence is there whether you find it or not. Even in the midst of noise you can find silence - give it a go, it's just like seeing the space between the stars.
Thats a lovely poetic way of putting it. Ii will print it out and put it on my desk!

I was with friends this morning. I found long periods where I was able to fully and properly listen to them talk, without preplanning my responses.....something I've aimed to do for a while. My head seems a little less busy....if I stay mindful.

best wishes
Tara

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:33 am

Mmm got that somewhat wrong - an extra quote mark at the top - it's easier to read on a pc whether there is still a colour difference between our typing!

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:17 pm

Hi Andrew
I'm sorry yesterday's post was so late. Hopefully you understand with everything going on re my Gran etc.
I hope you are viewing from a PC or iPad, as then you will see that all my responses were replies to yours.
But I can see from Tapatalk it only shows my responses which may well be nonsensical!

ok so today I have become aware quite a few times that I'm acting on auto-pilot. That I'm doing stuff, which after an original decision, I've gone off and done without any 'me' controlling and even without any thinking. A small step forward I suspect.

In fact I generally feel a bit numb and not quite here, but that could be linked to my Gran's death. Difficult to extract one from the other. I feel strained like I've been crying for hours, except I haven't.

Anyway I will keep on with the looking and trying not to think. I will keep an eye out for your reply, and may have time to reply again later.... of course this rather supposes you aren't tied up with other stuff.....gratitude anyway for whenever you get 'back'.

Best wishes
Tara

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Re: Guidance please

Postby Andrew White » Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:22 pm

Hi Tara,

I'm so sorry to hear your news. We can continue but if you feel you want to pause or stop just let me know. I suggest not to put too much pressure on yourself, but will be guided by you in this.
I had a useful 'wobble' this morning, when someone said something to me, and I thought about when I have PMT .... I get tearful, these days uncontrollablely so, for 2 days per month - this is a process completely controlled by hormones.... I get frustrated about it, I am certainly not in control then.....that made me realise that if "I" am not in control of this body for 2 days a month "I" am probably not ever....oeeerrr! Never thought I'd say that PMT was helpful :o) ! ...a few seconds understanding in a heartfelt way... I will keep looking at that too.
Yes, our feelings can be heightened or even created by circumstances such as hormones but yet it appears as if there's a real objective cause.

Is control any less an illusion that the thought of 'self'? When you move a part of your body watch closely and ask which comes first, the movement or the feeling of controlling it. Try watching it.
When you see or feel your body move, can you find a controller?
I'm beginning to suspect not! at least not a real me and other, only that there must be some greater life force, that everything is part of, energy.
Watch these thoughts as they arise - thought trying to be reality - it can't be, it can only be thought. An energy, a life force - just labels. See what is real. Reflect on this, no-one needs to 'know' that gravity exists. Gravity is simply a moment by moment reality to be directly experienced.

So watch labels and thoughts and see these for what they are. Our enquiry is based only on seeing and directly experiencing.
So as thoughts arise can you see a 'me' that they arise from? Can one be found?
Yes I dare! I managed it a few times this afternoon, sitting with my Gran as she died.

But her actual death has knocked the wind out of my sails a bit....too emotionally attached. I guess some stuff is just too difficult to intellectualise and needs to be seen and experienced!
You've been through a very deep experience here. That you were able to be with it at all is simply stunning. Even or perhaps especially at times where we feel swept away, let it all flow and just let and watch it happen, it's all natural.

In trusting in such moments if we feel we're breaking apart then break, just let it go. pain is inevitable but suffering only comes from resistance.
what I can 'feel' is often not my stuff at all (even in the conventional sense of the word 'my') but other peoples! i.e. being fairly empathetic I tend to pick up on other people's emotional pain and can get tearful, if I don't deliberately block it. My belief on this has always been about interconnectedness. As already mentioned, sometimes this is from friends miles away, not just those I'm with. But this too is probably off at a tangent.
It's not really off at a tangent - there is just one 'thing' and no 'self' in any of it. But even with this watch resistance arising, it's okay to just let it be - see it, feel it or block it - simply be aware.
I was with friends this morning. I found long periods where I was able to fully and properly listen to them talk, without preplanning my responses.....something I've aimed to do for a while. My head seems a little less busy....if I stay mindful.
Giving yourself to the moment with full attention is a very positive step, try and keep with this. When resistance arises, a movement within that wants to change this or that, watch it closely. Where has it arisen from? Is there a 'self' starting it off, owning it, controlling it?

Don't worry about times or timings, we have all of the time we need, no rush.
ok so today I have become aware quite a few times that I'm acting on auto-pilot. That I'm doing stuff, which after an original decision, I've gone off and done without any 'me' controlling and even without any thinking. A small step forward I suspect.
Good, keep watching this. It's just the same as in nature. We see an inorganic process - a river flows round a bend and we say, 'no self'. An organic process, a flower opens its petals to the sun, 'no self'. A thought arises, 'no self'. An action, a feeling, a response... Is there a 'self'. Why? Where? See it. Can you see it?

When you can and as often as you can go back to the 'beach' moment, the 'no being' moments and try to keep with those through your day even if it's only for a few seconds at a time. If you can manage a luchtime walk, that's good.

Mostly our thoughts are triggered by sight, as you'll notice if you track them back. So perhaps try to focus on sounds as you walk - what are all the sounds you can hear. Use this to keep in the moment.

Simply be in it, just this moment - there never is another. There never was or can be - but in thought.
Simply be in the moment, empty in it, and just let all be.

Let me know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Andrew
'Confine yourself to the present.' - Marcus Aurelius

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Re: Guidance please

Postby GreenTara » Tue Mar 19, 2013 12:18 am

Dear Andrew

No need to pause or stop the process, though thank you for your kind understanding. I want to see reality far too much and perhaps once one steps through that gateway, the passing of my Gran will be easier.

So I've been watching today, as you suggested, for movement and I realise that most** movement happens in response to a stimuli such as pain or discomfort. E.g. A leg rests too long in one place, it shifts, then I become aware it is shifting from ache (**sometimes a thought may proceed it) it is uninitiated by a 'me' or a 'controller' .
Reflexes would also cause a movement e.g. to avoid prolonged contact with something hot or severe cold, standing on something painful etc. the thoughts about the movement occur/after or with the movement not in advance. Neurological reflexes cause them not any mind or 'me' or controller.

I can see that I am just a bundle of soft tissue and bone, with nothing structurally to be in 'control' , no controller.

I also can't see a me as or after thoughts arise, thoughts come into mind as a stream of ideas or judgements etc, some of which 'I' think about more and act on, others get ignored as part of the drivel that flows through!

So what is it though that vets this river of thoughts? what is the stream of consciousness that checks everything through the filter of a) 'rules' of a moral upbringing, b) guilty conscious (what is that!) and c) Buddhist precepts/ethics?

What is the consciousness we feel? What is the voice in my head piecing everything together?


Lunchtime walk as recommended today, looking at nature and saying 'no self', also to thoughts. Forgot to stay focused by sounds.... Will try tomorrow.

Experience of being on auto-pilot when driving today, reminded me that's another direct experience of processes going with their per-programmed flow!

Final response of the day was in mediation - doing metta-bhavana (loving kindness) - when I tried to send metta to myself there was a strong response of "how can I send loving kindness to myself if there is no-self...... What do I send it to? My body?

Andrew, I am concerned that my life-long need to be in control will stop me letting go and seeing the truth that I'm not in control in a heartfelt way! E.g. I've never even been drunk.... Though I've tried very hard in my 20s! What is it I fear about the idea of letting go?....of anything I mean, not this process. Just expressing my current experience. I have reason to trust the process so I will.

I will keep trying to be in the moment.
Best wishes
Tara


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