A deeper exploration

[suspiciously.quiet]

Waking up began as I was doing my Masters degree and finding myself in many situations where I was totally outside of my comfort zone. The low self-esteem that had plagued my all of my life was intensifying. I’d begun my graduate studies in an attempt to prove to myself and everyone else that I wasn’t as stupid as I’d always believed myself to be, and as I believed other people must also believe me to be. Another reason for doing it was the belief that it would better equip me to operate in mainstream society. I’d always felt so incompetent and awkward, never able to keep up with society’s demands and expectations, never belonging anywhere, socially or professionally. Doing the degree was a culmination of many, many years of trying to fix myself.

As I completed my degree, the sense of accomplishment, competence and autonomy I’d expected to feel simply wasn’t there. What I felt the same inadequacy, anxiety, depression, self-hatred and paralysis that I always had. I realized then that what I’d been seeking for was peace, but that it couldn’t be found “out there” in the world of form and concept.

I began to immerse myself in the teaching of Adyashanti, Eckhart Tolle, Rupert Spira, Mooji, and Gangaji. And, over the past 2 years, there has been a close examination and deconstruction of the fiction of Me. So many belief structures that were intensely focused on, and the tendency to think about the past and the future, have been dissolving.

It is now clear that “I” am present experience of Being, rather than the body, the personality, or any worldly role. It is clear that I could be anywhere in the world, at any time, in whatever conditions, appearing as any body, with any mixture of opportunities, capabilities, motivations, and functionings, and I would still be this present experience of Being.

Lately, I just sit and feel, welcoming all sensations and thoughts into the space of Being without labeling and explaining in an attempt to control my experience. When I look directly at a thought instead of allowing attention to get caught up in the spin of thinking, the thought dissolves. And, even if I just allow the mind to play out its old tendencies - the fantasizing, labeling, explaining, resisting, grasping, and attempts to control, the present experience of Being that I am remains untouched by it.

Fear, sadness, anxiety, anger, frustration, regret and despair still arise at times, and for brief periods it seems that the fiction of "me" holds my attention and is believed. It seems as though “my failures”, "my faults" and “my defective personality” are real. Then, the fog lifts and even the concepts of “success” and “failure,” etc. are understood to be just that: concepts existing only in thought. As I continue to explore, contemplate and meditate, it is becoming ever more clear that concepts, although useful at times, are essentially meaningless; that physical perception is only a partial perspective and not the TRUTH; that duality is illusory; and that everything is at once everything and nothing.

I have never had a major so-called “awakening experience,” though there have been moments of great clarity, peace, and expansiveness. I feel that I am seeing the illusory nature of this conceptual world, and I would now like some support and guidance as I continue to explore this seeing more deeply.

Thank you.

[Eloratea]

Hi s.q,

this is only guidance focused to seeing through the illusion of self, separate from the rest of the life. Further unfolding from that point is completely up to you :)

If you can be honest and committed to this inquiry, it will be easy and simple.
You need only to drop all your gross and subtle expectations for a while and freshly look into your actual experience. Here-now.
And when you do that and when you hear that there is no you anywhere to be found and never was, does that match? Is it true for "you"?

Many greetings,
El

[suspiciously.quiet]

If you can be honest and committed to this inquiry, it will be easy and simple.
You need only to drop all your gross and subtle expectations for a while and freshly look into your actual experience. Here-now.
And when you do that and when you hear that there is no you anywhere to be found and never was, does that match? Is it true for "you"?

Hi Eloratea,

Thanks for such a quick response.

The actual experience, here and now, is that of a residual confusion, I suppose. On the one hand, inquiring into "I" makes it obvious that there is no "me", and never was. "Me" is a fantastical identification with bodily appearance, sensations, emotions, memories, beliefs, ideas, circumstance, etc. Yet, on the other hand, it seems that this hasn't yet been deeply confirmed without doubt, because there's a persistent tendency to narrate experience from the point of view of a separate "me" who is not okay, to feel a sense of personal responsibility or "doership" to change, and to judge my interactions with others as if "I" and "they" exist as separate individuals.

Even just writing this now, I can see that this persistent tendency and the confusion surrounding it are just more phenomenal occurrences with which any identification is another fantasy. However, I'm feeling unsure whether this is a natural and passing phase, or if the sense that there is no "me" is just another belief, a fantasy itself. Perhaps I hold some subtle expectations about freedom from the illusion of "me". How is it that I can see the fallacy of separation, and yet still tend towards thinking and responding as if it's true?

[Eloratea]

The actual experience, here and now, is that of a residual confusion, I suppose.

Confusion can only be in thoughts, right?
Thoughts are just part of the experience and their content can be helpful and functional and can be confusing and dysfunctional. But, luckily, there is awareness of thoughts and they don't have to be believed unconditionally.

On the one hand, inquiring into "I" makes it obvious that there is no "me", and never was. "Me" is a fantastical identification with bodily appearance, sensations, emotions, memories, beliefs, ideas, circumstance, etc.

Good.

Yet, on the other hand, it seems that this hasn't yet been deeply confirmed without doubt, because there's a persistent tendency to narrate experience from the point of view of a separate "me" who is not okay, to feel a sense of personal responsibility or "doership" to change, and to judge my interactions with others as if "I" and "they" exist as separate individuals.

Ok. Can you see now that all that are just thoughts occurring that are caused by no one and are occurring to no one. Have a deep look.
„You“ are this overall experience not that „little voice in the head“, not an observer or doer. Not any entity separate from it.

Even just writing this now, I can see that this persistent tendency and the confusion surrounding it are just more phenomenal occurrences with which any identification is another fantasy.

Just keep looking at it. And tell me where are still doubts?

How is it that I can see the fallacy of separation, and yet still tend towards thinking and responding as if it's true?

This belief is deeply programmed and believed and mind may really take some time to disbelieve it and stop projecting it from subconscious. Most helpful is gentle, yet constant and alert state of looking into the overall experience, here-now. Dismissing thought-story whenever possible.

Perhaps I hold some subtle expectations about freedom from the illusion of "me".

Seeing through the illusion doesn't mean it goes away. Yet seeing it already feels liberating.
Check this expectation - is there actually you that needs to be free from you?

Best wishes,
El

[suspiciously.quiet]

Hi El,

Ah, okay, I see the confusion and doubt are still just part of identification with the tendency towards the "me" narrative, and the resistance to it is predicated on an assumption (desire?) that mind should stop "minding" now that its illusory nature is seen.
The anxiety, aversion, anger, judgement and guilt that arise around interactions with other people simply do so by themselves, spontaneously and without real relevance. Any relevance attributed to them can only result if I identify myself with them and make a story about them, instead of just noticing them as integral to the totality of Being. They are just arising, belonging to no one. And doubt and confusion are themselves just arising spontaneously, without any relevance nor any need to be got rid of, because the "I" that believes in their relevance and seeks an end to them is illusory. The one who thinks "This should be, and that shouldn't be," is nothing but identification with a story.
So, it seems that the doubt, confusion and the aversion to particular emotions and tendencies of mind are part of an identification with a "liberation story". But, there is no "me" here to do even that, so even the identification must be arising spontaneously in Being.

Thank you, El.

[Eloratea]

Hi s.q.,

Ah, okay, I see the confusion and doubt are still just part of identification with the tendency towards the "me" narrative, and the resistance to it is predicated on an assumption (desire?) that mind should stop "minding" now that its illusory nature is seen.

Than is not going to happen, at least not for now. Drop the expectation. Stay with what it, allow it emotionally, 100%-ly.

But, there is no "me" here to do even that, so even the identification must be arising spontaneously in Being.

Is this seen? That thoughts arise spontaneously?
If you hear that „I“ is just a thought, label without reference to anything real, how does that feel?

With Love.

[suspiciously.quiet]

Hi El,

Is this seen? That thoughts arise spontaneously?
If you hear that „I“ is just a thought, label without reference to anything real, how does that feel?

This question was like a perfectly aimed arrow.
When I sit with it, there is a surge of energy in the solar plexus, my breath catches in my throat for a second. There is also a feeling of recognizing something that has been ignored, but, now that it's given attention, seems quite obvious... like the self-concept is something I've carried around for so long that I forgot I was holding it, but now that I remember and look at it, I feel how heavy it is, how dense. When the self-concept is released, and I just sit and look at "I" with no association with or reference to any thing, there's a lightness, a fluidity.
It is seen that thoughts do arise spontaneously, but also that thought can be guided for practical purposes. However, it can't truly be said that "I am thinking"; it feels artificial. "I" is a convention, a convenient tool of communication, but both "I" and "thinking" are without personhood. What's also seen is that thoughts arise, often followed immediately by a sense of ownership. But, this sense of ownership seems to be an habitual thought pattern, and belief in it takes effort to maintain. This afternoon, someone disagreed with something I'd said. Instantly, my body was flooded with sensation and the thought arose that I was wrong, I had done/said something bad. I watched without naming or owning the sensation, watching as one thought after another came up, but without buying into the sense of ownership. When Being is experienced without reference or association to anything, it's clear that "I" is not intrinsic to experience.
Thank you, El.

[Eloratea]

That's just great. Lightness is a good signpost.

What would you say: is there experiencer separate from this experience right now?
Breathing, seeing, hearing, thinking - how it is happening?

Lots of warm greetings,
El

[suspiciously.quiet]

No, there is no separate experiencer. There is at times a rapid succession of thoughts. There is ebbing and flowing of emotion and physical sensations. The "I" thought that arises, claiming ownership of all of this, and then it dissolves... arises... dissolves... but it's just a thought. Thinking and feeling happen like breathing, just as the physical sensations and emotions happen. Breathing is happening, seeing and hearing are happening, but no "I" doing them. I see objects, and feel them when I touch them, and sense their integrity with experience. Glass of wine is because seeing is, feeling is, tasting is. They are not separate from experience, not separate from each other. It is all this experience. At times, other people are part of experience, and emotions and sensations seem to result from the interactions. At these times, the sense of separateness from the other people is palpable, but it's not believed because the "I" thought arises as well and is seen as just a thought which arises spontaneously and dissolves when it is looked at. Then, there is energy in the body and mind is quiet.
Love,
s.q.

[Eloratea]

Is there you in any way, or form? Was there ever?
Much Love.

[suspiciously.quiet]

No, what I am has no form, no name, no location, no boundary, no beginning or ending.
Love,
s.q.

[Eloratea]

Was there ever separate self?

What is happening right now from the aspect of direct experience? Who is talking with who now?

Have you seen through the illusion of separate self? Is there a feeling of shift?

Much Love,
El

[suspiciously.quiet]

No. There was only ever the belief in the thought of a separate self. Right now, consciousness it talking to itself. I can't say there's a feeling of shift, as such. I can only say that the thought of a separate self is no longer believed. There is no longer a sense that there is anything to change. Neither is there any one here that could believe or not believe, nor change or not change. All seems to just happen on it's own within this space. The appearance of a body, with sensations, emotions, perceptions, and actions, and the appearance of an external world is all just appearing within this space.

Love.

[Eloratea]

Thank you :)

Please, answer the rest of the confirming questions for the review of other guides; honestly and directly with your own words.

• Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
  
  How does it feel to see this?
  
  What was the last bit that made you see through the illusion of separate self?

With Love.

[suspiciously.quiet]

Thank you, El.

The illusion of the separate self appears to start as a turning of attention away from direct experience in the present moment. Attention seems to fixate on thought - a mental conversation or images - and accompanying emotion and/or bodily sensations. Underlying all of this are foundational beliefs - about how life is, how it ought to be, who "I" am, who others are, how "I" and "they" ought to be as individuals and in relationship to each other, etc. - which are also just thoughts, but which are often not even recognized and operate subconsciously.
These thoughts/feelings/beliefs are taken to be real and personal, are assumed without question to be true, to be "me", to belong to "me", and to mean something good or bad about "me". There are feelings of tension, isolation, victimization, fear, grasping, pride, satisfaction, righteousness, defensiveness, ownership, responsibility, and the need to control. There is also a projection outward, attributing thoughts and feelings to some worldly circumstance, to another person, some "thing" happening "to me", a past event, or some imagined future. The past is believed to be part of "me", to be a real and influencing force. The future is believed to be real and something which must be controlled. Attention as the separate self dwells in past and future, in thoughts/feelings/beliefs, and projections outward, mistaking it all for reality.

To see through this illusion feels like a release, lightness, spaciousness, a relaxation, a sense of peace and integrity with whatever is arising in present experience, and a sense of deep recognition.

The final seeing through the illusion of separate self was the realization that even "I" is just a thought. Without "I" there is no "you", there is no "out there", there is no separation.

Much love.