request Ilona

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Harriet Hilker
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request Ilona

Postby Harriet Hilker » Fri Aug 24, 2012 8:01 pm

Dear Ilona,

I "stumbled" across L.U. last week and "something happened" listening to the London Meeting. I contacted you via Facebook and started step one "Clearing" on your blog. I got frightened when in my inquiry, I realized I had no mind. There were thoughts, but ever since an awakening with Adyashanti 12 years ago, I just see them as arising that maybe do not even come from me and beliefs started to crumble on their own with a lot of emotional tears, fear etc. My own awakenings starting with a striking kundalini energy in 1980 took my life thru many many shifts and changes. The search stopped on itself after a major event meeting Adyashanti in 1999. After a lot of falling away of old patterns, a huge era of what I call stripping brought me closed to the brink of sanity. Adya was not concerned and three years ago. The seeker died.

Now I just lived life in a type of free fall being okay with not knowing and accepting "what is" as God's will for my life no matter how it felt. Life unfolded and the stripping on more subtle layers continued, but never as difficult as the Adyashanti years and I could do it by myself. Ouch but I knew inner joy that I was unfolding regardless of what it felt like.

THEN I met you last week via the London Meetings. I cannot describe the amazement that I had not EVEN touched
the "I" identity. In fact, I was perfectly happy iwth the sensation of a me and left non-duality Advaita stuff and was in the process of dumping the spiritual beliefs that were just baggage.

Something happened reading dominic blog and using your step by step process during which I got very frightened and we started a dialogue.

Would you continue this inquiry with me ? I would be so bold to ask because 40 years of search has brought me to this moment of amazement that you can be awakened up the gazoo and know it, BUT what L.U. is talked about is waking out of that beautiful dream. I have tasted some of it and I already see things happening that astound me, that I know are a result of this shift I am going thru. I think you named it: Falling into place. Which one would never believe after 3 years of "free fall" when I didn't have a clue there is "Falling into place" On its own

I absolutely believe this is the FIRST evolution in thousands of years out of spirituality and Patriarchy gone nuts and I can't believe its happening by "community" global volunteers having passed thru the gateless gate and
reach out a hand to those ready. What a historical milestone for humans and I love that it came thru you and Elena in such a quiet and powerful mutation.

Even if you are too busy with the burgeoning unfolding of L.U. and cannot dialogue with me, I KNOW its purrfect
just right and that is such a different life than the pain of wanting it to be any different than the way it is.

So much bubbling gratitude for this NOW

harriet Hilker

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Ilona
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Ilona » Sat Aug 25, 2012 8:14 pm

Harriet, thank you so much for writing this message, it really touched my heart. It is great to hear that shift is happening and i will be here for you to go through with it till the end.

so let's chat here some more. what is it that you are noticing?
what is the I in your posts? what are you, really?

and if you look at harriet, as a character in the story, what do you see? what is it that drives the body?

please anwer when ready in full.

much love!

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Harriet Hilker
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Harriet Hilker » Sun Aug 26, 2012 5:16 am

H: OMG You caught me off guard to hear back from you and this is all part of being amazed I cannot know until it happens what should or shouldn't happen. And so much is happening but I am not destabilized as did happen when I first started the process on your blog steps.

What is it that I am noticing ?
Everything seems to be doing itself. Nothing has changed and everything has changed and both are true at the same time. My mind doesn't even try to figure that out. Its just noticed and I wonder why its so obvious and tears fall. But I must add I have no idea (none at all) what it is that notices this. But strangely something knows something big has happened because everything is different AND yet everything is the same. I'm sorry I just can't articulate this obvious shift causing so much wonderment and awe how could this be ? And yet, its always been this way.

What is the "I" in your posts ?
Its a word designating something that seems obvious "I'm here" BUT the word can't come close to my experience of being here. It seems I'm not here BUT no word could describe what that is like for me other than its always here and at the same time changing faster than the speed of light and it appears a they occur simultaneously as one experience. Sorry....that ain't it either but that's what comes up to say at this time. Makes me laugh how absurd that might seem if I told that to anybody but you. Heh Heh

What are you really ? I am happy and relieved to report I have no frickin' idea and I don't know why that makes me so wildly happy. Seems thought rises here and feels apologetic I can't articulate an answer at this time and I see that as a thought and what we call a smile happens on my face. (forget the my in that sentence but its silly how the non-duality circles point that out "there is no me or my" (concept) and when you realize no-self, there is no problem with language being what it is. Gosh I hope I wasn't preaching. Yikes. Oh well it happened

When you look at Harriet as a character in the story, what do you see ?

First thing was a sound sensation we call chuckle happening and at the same moment a feeling like my heart opens and dances. I guess both would be an energy movement felt in the body but the experience comes bang as one experience and then gone as the mind comes in and tries to explain it in words and can't but no problem about it.

What is it that drives the body ?
Hmmmm. I'll have to sit on that and see what comes. Puzzlement I don't know. But nothing tries to manufacture an answer at this time. Can I write to you more about puzzlement ? Its like thought stops and looks around and finds no answer.

I find awe and gratitude galore that there was MORE to unfold when the seeking died 3 years back and NOW the unimaginable happening of finding out of the blue a woman on Facebook called Ilona and website L.U. where there are other ordinary people like me with their jaw hanging open and go on to volunteer what they came upon with folks like me. The thought arises incessantly. I have to tell somebody about this, and I see its just a thought and its way too early to speak about this . All I really want to do is stay by myself and watch what iS happening. I have a list of behavior so unlike my past usual ways of responding to events that blow my mind to re-read its actually doing itself.

Wish I could send you the sensation of expanding gratitude and ease and trust that bubbles up from nowhere and so happy to realize I know you know what I know and we can't say but in the love that wants to, we say it anyway.

I will go have a cup of tea ....Love, Harriet


In my question/answer book I

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Re: request Ilona

Postby Ilona » Mon Aug 27, 2012 1:55 pm

:) your feelings of appreciation reach me. Sending love back

How is it going today? Are there any doubts arising?
What are you noticing?
Is there anything else that needs to be understood, that is not too clear yet?

Write lots please. I see you are crossing nicely :) can you say, that the line of no return has been crossed fully?

Love.

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Harriet Hilker
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Harriet Hilker » Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:41 am

Oops I was writing a reply during which it vanished as I was writing. I may have hit a wrong key. I'll start over

How is it going today.?

I'll make this brief because the e-mail I sent today via your blog address gave details. (I used your blog addy because I was confused about the steps to use The Forum to get back to our starting the process of Q and A.

I am in an almost constant state of wonderment that my experience of life is so radically changed and continues to live itself with even more noticeable and mind-boggling miracles. This IS NOT an exaggeration. Not that it is all roses. There are so many pronounced and not even subtle changes on so many levels, I have a need to express my unbelievable amazement, but people wouldn't get it unless it happened to them, so I write in a journal just for me and there are so many in-your-face miracles that I'm not doing, couldn't even imagine me doing and yet it is not a dream. Life as usual BUT its like some invisible force plugged me into an entirely new reality, where flow works and I watch in amazement. Miraculous is the only word that comes to mind because I obviously am not doing it. Things happen and in retrospect, I see the effortless .... like magic solutions and ease that I DO NOT have the intelligence to engineer; nevertheless it appears to be coming thru my body, my mouth, my senses, my decisions, my interactions with people and its silly to try and tell anybody because that wouldn't make sense to them unless it happened to them and I guess we would just look at each other and fall down in glee like kids.

Are there any doubts ?
Nope ....how could their be ? If something challenging happens inside myself or out in the world, I go thru it, and can experience old judgement or annoyance and marvel that I used to try and get over it. I realize easily that I don't cause those thoughts or feelings which for a long time I have known they come and go and I don't plan them BUT what is new here is that even though that was the case that a lot of awakenings unfolded STILL there was a self and even when the seeker died, things were happening to ME. I had no problem with that "me" unless an "intensity" overwhelmed me..... the last four months ago when I "bottom'd out" trying to self-will an ability to find out why she triggered my reaction and heal the wounds that were putting me on automatic in spite of an almost God driven drive to end my part before she died (She is not well)/

I went into a strange desperation that I knew no one could help enter (I re-lived unconscious childhood traumas as that were to frightening as a child to face) and while I knew it was the subconscious throwing up stuff and causing suffering like I did not even feel during a period labeled"Dark Night of the Soul where a lot of psychic stuff drives one to the edge, this was about my sister and me and family of origin. It was shocking to experience but I noticed after four months I could speak to her on the phone and my heart was open and I could listen to the same self-destructive beliefs she insisted were true for her. I even felt love for her for the first time....how innocent she was to the patterns that divided us and caused so m uch suffering between us for all our life.

After this is when I "fell into" the L.U. Facebook page and the rest is history. Was this the last karmic block to clear before this amazing and unheard of "seeing the obvious" ? Its just a story and lovely I don't need to believe it as truth BUT as STORY its valid and as good as any other thing I make up in my imagination because it all vanishes and here we are. Nothing to oppose.

Wow that was a diatribe. Poor you.

Does anything need to be understood ?
Nope. I used to try to understand stuff and the last year I realized it was my mind which is not a tool that can decode infinity, so I would just wait until the answer was obvious or I wouldn't move. I spent a life time trying to figure things out and what a mess I made. Ha Ha BUT this question is beautiful because in answering you, I realize what a relief my mind has actually laid down and not in any "waiting" for the answer as in the sentence above. Its like the thing that rises to understand is at peace with things as they are now.... anything more would be jumping to the future or the past and that's a joke .... OR a sure set up for suffering heh-heh
I have no idea where the need to understand anything vanished. It seems like it just hasn't been around and if you had not asked the question I would not have realized that. Mostly, forefront is so much noticing how miraculous it is to just be and look and see and hear and feel and watch the thought mechanism rise and pass away etc. etc. I guess you might say right now and right here is like so fresh and new I can look at a leaf blowing in the wind and its like I never saw such an amazing movement and color and the overlaid thought is: "Probably because the label did not arise with the experience of just looking and green and movement and shape and sound are so engrossing no label distracts.

Is there anything not clear yet ?
Yeah, how in heaven's name is this happening ? Why don't I need an answer even if I don't know ? Does anybody know ha ha

The question you asked on a prior session with you about "What drives the body" ? Intrigues me. I guess I'm curious but will be made obvious as we proceed. In the meantime, my guess its the same thing that is giving it more stamina and the ability to coordinate dance steps I used not be able to do and now it "just happens" without the trying to break it down and figure it out.

I have no idea why I am so verbal and this comes out so fast. Still rising is apology for taking so much time and letting it go.

I can't believe how you stumbled into L.U. Can this be the turning point in history for the illusion of a separate self to vaporize ? I am so honored you write to me and tears for your saying "I will stay with you to the end"

My child dream that Jesus would come for me and take me out of the suffering has come ! What else could this be but heaven on earth when you don't have a you.

I hope you don't mind my long answers, I imagine whether you do or don't we can laugh together.

Love,
Harriet

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Ilona
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Ilona » Tue Aug 28, 2012 7:53 am

Loved your reply and it looks that you are seeing what this no self thingy is all about. But before I ask you the final questions answer me this: are you ready for final questions?
If no, is there anything else that we can look at?

Lots of love.

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Harriet Hilker
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Harriet Hilker » Wed Aug 29, 2012 7:14 am

When I got home tonight from a meeting, I wanted to add one other thing about my the question 'what drives the body'" and I didn't find a clear knowing. It popped in out of the blue that I don't have a body and of course, that realization caused some feelings and I am getting the hang of how noticing will arise or not that "Im not doing any of it" However the reason it came to me why I don't know what drives the body is because my old view of my body was that I HAD one. Its just NOT so. Its clear the experience of "body" are many intricate sensations registered and an old habit didn't see that it was the experience of this rising and falling of body sensations that couldn't be real because a lot of my experience I am NOT registering "I have a body" thought. For instance if I am engrossed in trying to figure out a banking problem I may not even be aware I have a body at all. When I saw that, I can come up with lots of times the body is NOT here because the brain is registering other "input" with emotions or thoughts or sleep or what have you. This kind of knowing is weird to say the least and I am not saying my answer is correct, it just seems that way to me and there is no need to understand until something new pops in and enlarges that surprize that is pretty obvious I don't have a body.....never did. BUT I wouldn't tell that to my doctor ha ha.

Now since this e-mail is an addendum to my original reply to your question : Am I ready for the final questions ?
And I asked if it was okay to see what was behind my hesitation and fear and tears before I answered... I went on to share something that I will say again since it struck me with clarity out of the blue and it was this:

In our first session you asked me "What are you noticing" I ran off a list (also keep a journal of these miracle noticings because in re-reading them it blows my mind in seeing this is all happening on its own and that realization keeps me in wonderment and awe that indeed a line has been crossed that is not stopping but accelerating. That is true as far as it went BUT today out of the blue It was seen in retrospect there still was a overlooked remnant of a self that even in that reply took credit for the noticing. Now I see even "noticing" just rises, gets registered,without a "me" sense that was very subtle and known only by the absence of it.

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify any shadows sort of self-liberate themselves with my even knowing how its done and that feels miraculous and how could I have ever been so deluded for so long. Heh Heh Its delicious see it all coming apart by no one trying or even here.

It appears that "noticing" the miracles seemed to be in the world "out there" and then the noticing" seemed to also include "me in here" AND the freak out I didn't want to look at is that they are not different. This way too much for the nervous system to contemplate and I watch the need to go distract myself with a cookie or chocolate because I don't want to know what I just realized. Oh well that's the truth for the moment and its a wonderment what next will surprize or scare me. This falling away would be sort of wierd without the equally happening on its own where Life works better. I don't know how this can be, but there are many examples ... some unbelievable but true and some smaller but equally in-your-face obvious that something is moving the pieces and life works and there is awe and wonderment "how can this be when I am not doing anything. I could not even possibly imagine the intelligence that engineered the impossible and made it look normal. That is a lot of words to try and articulate something no one would believe unless they experience it. It feels like a miracle BUT it is very simple and unspectacular in its quiet beautiful way of a new way of functioning. A thought arose... maybe this is how a baby experiences life before separation, things just come and go and there is a direct response of the body until the programming starts with language, angry looks of parents etc. Just story but the commentary is not believed as reality. So wonderful to inow story arises and disappears as rapidly as all the other risings and has no particular meaning at all. Kinda fun when its all just seen as imagination rising and "just happening" on its own.

I got to look at the fear around being asked final questions and had to do with jumping into the future and making myself sad/afraid at the imaginary thought of a future. ..... I wouldn't be able to have you hold my hand thru this strange land I find myself in. Is it real ? Is it not real ? Both and neither is my guess but it doesn't matter in theory. The fact is, its here/now whether whether we know what it is not.

Well, this isn't what I wrote in the original reply that somehow got deleted, but thats okay. I'll hit the submit button carefully this time.

Much love,
Harriet

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Ilona
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Re: request Ilona

Postby Ilona » Mon Sep 10, 2012 9:15 pm

we carried on talking on email. here is the blogpost of the rest of conversation.
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/201 ... f-all.html


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