Jen seeking guidance

[graceabounds]

This is all beautiful work, especially peeling back the raw sensation of fear and exposing it to air.

let go of that layer, and come into contact with everything including the fear, then it doesn’t seem to affect ability to function, just uncomfortable

Lovely. What is the direct experience of ‘uncomfortable’?

suspect taxes would be fine as well. It’s the social perfectionism it’s worried about and the acceptance of the lack of self-worth that it would feel if it let go of that perfectionism, and feel the reality of people will think what they think about me and i won’t ever even know really know for most people what they think

Let's look at the difference between thought content and the content of direct experience.
Close your eyes and imagine a glass of cool fresh water in your hands.
Feel the weight of the glass, its texture, the temperature. Does the water sparkle? Have a sip. Feel the coolness in the mouth running down to the stomach, the refreshing feeling.
Now open your eyes.
Drink the water you just imagined…

Now, is there, in this moment, any difference between “taxes” and “what others think” or “being with others socially”?

No self, just a very strong urge to grab something, anything to label self

Yes. Keep falling dear… it has always been this way.

[Jenness]

Hi Becca! :)

Lovely. What is the direct experience of ‘uncomfortable’?

It’s a thought saying “I don’t want this here. This is a problem. Something in the world is a problem” along with a tension that has the thought “I’m keeping it at bay” attached to it. Or when the tensions are let go of, it’s the idea “i don’t know what’s going on and that’s a problem. I won’t be able to make sure things go well/right”

Let's look at the difference between thought content and the content of direct experience.
Close your eyes and imagine a glass of cool fresh water in your hands.
Feel the weight of the glass, its texture, the temperature. Does the water sparkle? Have a sip. Feel the coolness in the mouth running down to the stomach, the refreshing feeling.
Now open your eyes.
Drink the water you just imagined…

Now, is there, in this moment, any difference between “taxes” and “what others think” or “being with others socially”?

No, there isn’t. Different sensations come up along with the thoughts, but the felt sense of those sensations and those thoughts are also the same

it has always been this way.

This helped! Got a sense of , oh, right , it’s already like this

[graceabounds]

What is the direct experience of ‘uncomfortable’?

It’s a thought saying “I don’t want this here. This is a problem. Something in the world is a problem” along with a tension that has the thought “I’m keeping it at bay” attached to it. Or when the tensions are let go of, it’s the idea “i don’t know what’s going on and that’s a problem. I won’t be able to make sure things go well/right

Ok so the direct experience is???
Content of thought is not direct experience.
Tension does not have a thought, it may appear in sequence with a thought. What is this tension, where is it? Get really specific. Direct experience.

[Jenness]

Hi Becca,

Ok so the direct experience is???
Content of thought is not direct experience.
Tension does not have a thought, it may appear in sequence with a thought. What is this tension, where is it? Get really specific. Direct experience.

When I’m dropping into the sensations, my brain kind of blanks out in dissociation, like attention is removed from front of my body, and then if i drop into contact more, it’s like touching the self-hate that I hate (or that the self-hate itself hates), a self-disgust and self-anger or a frustration, and a sadness. The sensations of those are maybe similar, or they’re shifting as I’m looking, feels just like a heaviness in the front half of the torso, and tensions near the solar plexus pulling the torso inwards, with some movement sometimes of loosening near the top of the tensions lump that feels like both openness and fear. And then some moving liquidy-y or cloud like feelings moving from chest up to face and arms, with some continued tension in solar plexus area, all of which i now registered as sadness. Thoughts are, if it isn’t me, then it’s a human difficulty in accepting and loving others, feels somewhat true to state of world and out of my control, comes with big sadness that there’s habitual looking away from, wanting it to not be true. Feels really important to have looked at it and felt it, something I really didn’t want to feel. Thanks for the push :)

[graceabounds]

Is it safe to be ‘in’ the body with these sensations?

[Jenness]

Is it safe to be ‘in’ the body with these sensations?

Seems so! Nothing bad happens since I’m just sitting around alone.They move when the thought “this is a problem” isn’t bought into. Seemingly endless layers.

[graceabounds]

Is the thought “this isn’t a problem” equally ‘True’ then?

Where/how do they move?

[Jenness]

Is the thought “this isn’t a problem” equally ‘True’ then?

Equally true as other thoughts? I still buy into thoguhts that fill in the blank for something uncertain, like whether a situation is going to be a problem, etc. vs something i can look at in the moment and see okay, this is just an opinion and it doesn’t match what I’m experiencing. But looking that them, they are equally just thoughts, and the feeling of believing them feels the same.

Where/how do they move?

They move both outwards out of the body and limbs into the air and also upwards with some twitching and squeezing, generally around the centerline from the solar plexus up to head. Still not fully okay with it being here, still wanting them to move through. Accepting the sadness and fear feel like accepting the belief that the world is disconnected and unsafe without trying to change it or find a corner or set up that’s not that way. And then not sure what I’m here trying to do if not that. Feels like, I guess there’s nothing to do, feels a little dangerous to stop, feels a bit relieving, feels a bit empty and sad, but also nice and not bad at all other than the fear (or bought into it ness around fear)

[graceabounds]

Yes, “this isn’t a problem” is equally a thought. Just like “this is a disaster” is a thought. Just like “I need to figure this out” or “It’ll all be fine.” They’re all mental projection about uncertainty. The content of “positive” or “negative” doesn’t matter because the structure is still a story.

‘You’ are still trying to escape the naked, raw space of not knowing.

Working in the body in this way is excellent, not for the agenda of making something go away, but when seen and fully expressed it moves, as you are seeing. The point is not to accept it or reject it, just to be here… because it is here.

Can you see that a “problem” only arises when thought comes in and says “this shouldn’t be happening” or “this might happen”?

Do any of those thoughts DO anything?
Can they actually change what is?

If there is identification where’s the “I” that’s doing that?
Where is the one “buying into” the thought?

Take a look.
Is there any separate entity choosing one thought as true over another? Or is it all just thought claiming a chooser?

[Jenness]

Hi Becca,

This one was super good. Especially the seeing the thoughts don’t do anything and what is here is just what’s here

Yes, “this isn’t a problem” is equally a thought. Just like “this is a disaster” is a thought. Just like “I need to figure this out” or “It’ll all be fine.” They’re all mental projection about uncertainty. The content of “positive” or “negative” doesn’t matter because the structure is still a story.

‘You’ are still trying to escape the naked, raw space of not knowing.

I see. Yes, still lots of resistance coming up to this. Lack of trust of capacity to operate when don’t know what’s happening in a way. Getting a bit more of a sense though that things will function as it did before

Working in the body in this way is excellent, not for the agenda of making something go away, but when seen and fully expressed it moves, as you are seeing. The point is not to accept it or reject it, just to be here… because it is here.

Saw this more clearly today. What’s here is just what’s here. Doesn’t seem like there’s much that can be done about it.

Can you see that a “problem” only arises when thought comes in and says “this shouldn’t be happening” or “this might happen”?

Yes, very strong habit to re-believe, because rather suffer than experience underlying fear, but fear emptying out bit by bit with time

Do any of those thoughts DO anything?
Can they actually change what is?

No, It’s already here, saying it’s a problem just causes suffering without helping anything. As for thoughts about the future, there are some helpful thoughts for planning for the future, but 99% of those thoughts could just be ignored because they’re just looping around things I already know could happen but am just scared of happening

If there is identification where’s the “I” that’s doing that?
Where is the one “buying into” the thought?

Can’t find it. When i look, just a blank spot where the “I” is supposed to be

Take a look.
Is there any separate entity choosing one thought as true over another? Or is it all just thought claiming a chooser?

No, it just happens. Like a this is true or this is not true thought tag attached to the thoughts

[graceabounds]

What’s here is just what’s here. Doesn’t seem like there’s much that can be done about it.

So what would it be like to go a minute, an hour, a day from here?

As for thoughts about the future, there are some helpful thoughts for planning for the future, but 99% of those thoughts could just be ignored because they’re just looping around things I already know could happen but am just scared of happening

What is the 1% that remains? What is necessary to be on the lookout for? Or can that too be let go with the rest, just passing by. Unimportant. Impersonal.

[Jenness]

So what would it be like to go a minute, an hour, a day from here?

An hour and day seemed scary. Tried a minute a few times, and was also scary and sad, but also great to contact those parts. Will keep trying

What is the 1% that remains? What is necessary to be on the lookout for? Or can that too be let go with the rest, just passing by. Unimportant. Impersonal.

Things that feel important for things going well for this character, like being able to do well enough financially, and even just being accepted by others still very sticky. Getting more comfortable with death seems helpful for loosening those up. Can see that any holding on is causing issues. Can’t have my cake and eat it too, or might but can’t be trying to make that happen. “Unimportant. Impersonal” is helpful. Deep achy sadness-like sensations coming up to be felt

[graceabounds]

Great, keep practicing, work up to an hour…
And just opening to whatever sensations come up to flow through.

Getting more comfortable with death

Is death anything other than a thought or idea?
Can it ever be known or even experienced?

[Jenness]

Great, keep practicing, work up to an hour…
And just opening to whatever sensations come up to flow through.

Not up to an hour yet, but more let go throughout day. Felt into “i’m a problem. I’m a problem. I’m a problem.” And no longer felt there was a problem as long as I was feeling into that thought, and it loosened something up to see at the bottom of a lot of things was that thought being avoided

Is death anything other than a thought or idea?
Can it ever be known or even experienced?

No, pure unknown. A thought with fear attached. Less so than before. Feeling into it “dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.”

[graceabounds]

Beautiful process…
I would say continue with this.

And then look.
Is there anything about ‘I am a problem’ that ties whatever remains of a felt sense of I to the thought of ‘problem’? Replace the end of a sentence with anything else: ‘I am a rooster’ ‘I am the universe’…. look into the mechanism that makes it subject/object… about an imaginary thing that cannot be found in this dialogue.

Same with ‘dead’. What makes it personal?