No longer seeking yet wanting to connect

[Somerton]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That our concept of “I” is a linguistic shorthand for all we experience of being alive. It’s a conceptual container for all we see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and feel. The self is a thought, a concept, a fiction. No separate witness (self) is necessary, and the belief of one can prolong suffering.

What are you looking for at LU?
Validation, clarity, community.
I feel I’ve achieved much of what is sought through the exercises and teachings, and it’s had quite an impact on me (I’m still a bit flabbergasted by the deeply affecting results). I naturally feel the need to talk with someone about it, someone who understands, and someone who might help me with questions I have, or might recognize and help me pinpoint where I might be on the journey.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I expect to communicate with someone who understands what I am experiencing by way of their own first hand experience. I expect to feel I’m part of a community of people who share a similar, though individually unique, life experience from
the practice of deep looking at reality.
I expect some validation (though I think this is an ego driven want) that I have made some progress, have achieved a goal, and have indeed arrived somewhere notable along the path to seeing beyond the Self.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
15 years of seeking. I’ve always been drawn to ‘spiritual’ figures, Herman Hesse, Alan Watts, Bo Lozoff, Richard Rohr, Thomas Merton, Eckhart Tolle, etc…
I studied yoga and Vedanta intensely for 2+ years, have partaken in numerous Santo Daime focused workshops with ayahuasca, and then dove deep into Christian mysticism over the last 4-5 years. Then, about 6 weeks ago, I read Dr. Christiane Michelberger’s book “How to See Through the Self-Illusion: An Instruction Manual” and everything changed. Almost instantly, I lost all desire to continue seeking whatever it was I was so desperately welling. That sudden and profound shift has left me a little stunned. Not in a bad way. But in an almost inexplicable way that has left me with a need for some clarity or validation regarding my current state.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

[graceabounds]

Hi Somerton,
…(is that what I should call you?)

I’m happy to be present here with you.

How have things been in the time since you answered these initial questions? Besides the seeking energy slipping away, have there been any other changes you have noticed?

What questions are alive right now?

In gratitude,
Becca

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Thank you for the reply to my post.

(Yes, we can stick with Somerton for our conversations).

How have things been in the time since you answered these initial questions? Besides the seeking energy slipping away, have there been any other changes you have noticed?

There has been anticipation for this ‘slipping away’ to come creeping back over time, yet it doesn’t appear to be doing so. The shift that occurred last month feels as though it may be firmly rooted. There is increased trust that it did indeed happen. The non-stop seeking for an unnameable and elusive truth or perfection is simply . . . gone.

It’s a mysterious thing to deal with.
Having the central focus of one’s life, the thing nearly every free moment of time for 14 years was spent pursuing, quietly and unceremoniously extinguished is extraordinary. When exactly it happened can’t be pinpointed. It has been a great unburdening, yet there’s sentimentality for the familiarity of that burden. It’s like spiritual Stockholm Syndrome 

It feels strange to look at a wall of books, even the ones in the middle of being read when deep looking began and have no desire to continue reading them. A further pursuit of deep looking now occurs instead, as what has been experienced is likely a first step in a new journey. This deep looking was introduced after discovering the Buddhist concept of the 10 fetters, and from what is understood, only fetters 1 through 3 may have been broken. So, there is a ways to go.

Interestingly, the motivation to do other things has also slipped away. Specifically, going to the gym and doing morning hikes. Things that are almost undeniably ‘healthy’. There is intention to restart, yet there is a sense of peace and contentment with this slowing down. This contraction. There may have been an element of seeking as the motivation to do those activities. Being in nature can be seeking. Striving for a flexible and strong body can be seeking. This change in behavior has been especially surprising.

It’s accurate to say the time once spent reading, memorizing, and thinking is now mostly spent being aware of what is sensed, seen, heard, felt, tasted, etc… Life feels streamlined without the middleman, without a “I” interloper existing between sensation and what is sensed.

Moments of anxiousness, fear, and disappointment still arise, but much less than before and with very little staying power. These states or now either curiously welcomed for a lesson they have to teach or, if they’re particularly unpleasant, replaced with other more kind and loving images and thoughts – which is probably deflecting and not be the best way to handle thoughts, but sometimes a good night’s sleep takes priority over a mindfulness lesson at 3:30am 

Working backwards from Christiane Michelberger’s book and her mentioned influences led to exploring the LU book and forum and the www.simplytheseen.com website, which is proving a valuable resource for the new journey.

"What questions are alive right now"

Honestly, the more testimonies that are read and the more settling that occurs, the more questions also slip away.
I suppose there's wondering about the maintenance required of deep looking. Aside from remaining present and sensing all that is to be sensed, without labeling 'good or bad', how does one best maintain this? Or, is maintenance even required?

Thank you for taking the time to begin this conversation.
It is sincerely appreciated.

Be well.
Somerton.

[graceabounds]

Hello Somerton,

Who would maintain? :)

And what would be maintained?
Is there something here now that is fragile, fading, or needs effort to continue?

Having the central focus of one’s life, the thing nearly every free moment of time for 14 years was spent pursuing, quietly and unceremoniously extinguished is extraordinary. When exactly it happened can’t be pinpointed. It has been a great unburdening, yet there’s sentimentality for the familiarity of that burden.

Yes, this is quite normal, we call this next phase ‘falling’. There will be a stabilization that happens after a while (how long is different for everyone) and then Kevin’s website will come in handy for, as you say, the lessons that are simply there. :)

There may have been an element of seeking as the motivation to do those activities. Being in nature can be seeking. Striving for a flexible and strong body can be seeking. This change in behavior has been especially surprising.

Yes, everything can be seeking. And it (a walk in nature or a trip to the gym) can also just arise or not arise without a doer or an owner of it. This will also come in time.

Which brings us back to… what exactly would “maintaining” consist of?

Trying to produce a state?
Trying to hold onto a way of being?
Trying to prevent change?

In gratitude,
Becca

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Who would maintain :)

Haha. Indeed. Who? :)
This is a beautiful question.
Remnants of "I" are exposed.

There is desire for achievement, progress, advancement, growth.
And there is reliance on arriving at milestones, like reaching higher rungs on a ladder, to validate the "I"; as if a reward, a new skill, has been obtained by the effort and time committed to seeking and "I" want to firmly hold on to that prize because of how it feels. A belief in scarcity and merit-based worthiness may be responsible for this, along with an attachment to the pleasing sensation of possessing, of thinking “I did it!”, or “I have it!”.

It recalls Gollum from Lord of the Rings, obsessed and fully driven by his desire to possess his precious treasure, the Ring. Discontent and restless without it. Protective and fearful with it.

Your question is understood. If there is no "I", there is nothing to do the possessing and maintaining.

Is there something here now that is fragile, fading, or needs effort to continue?

“Once it is seen, it cannot be unseen.”
This is what feels fragile and capable of fading. There is a fear (a thought) that unseeing will occur. There is a well-worn and long-practiced belief that “gains” are only retained through constant upkeep, through regular practice, effort and discipline (i.e., “maintenance”). So, advice on how to practice and maintain what was seemingly achieved is what was being sought. Haha. Look! More seeking :)

Perhaps this may be where the creation of ritual comes from.

An understanding that nothing was gained, no new skill, no new ability, but rather something was let go, released, or seen through is likely a more truthful way to view this. How does one maintain what has been let go?

And what would be maintained?

A state of mind. One that no longer reacts so strongly to, or even possesses, the desire to seek.
Yet, this seeking is a reaction to feeling dissatisfied with how things are. And, who or what is dissatisfied? That would be “me”  Ha!

Thank you for the questions, Becca.

[graceabounds]

I’m curious what is experienced in the body with
“pleasing sensation of possessing”
“feels fragile and capable of fading”
“something was let go, released”
“the desire to seek”
“feeling dissatisfied”

Underneath the words, taking each of these in turn, what is directly experienced? Not the thought interpretation, the actual sensations.

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

This is a profound exercise. Some are readily experienced, some rely on memory, and some are difficult to describe in purely sensory terms. Another pass and a deeper observing may need to happen, beyond this initial pass.

pleasing sensation of possessing”

A secure stillness in the core of the body, from heart to head. Feels stable.
The stillness in the core is surrounded by a delicate hum, a soft and even vibration of energy beneath the skin, the texture of wool. It feels like rest.

feels fragile and capable of fading”

The secure solidness of the center is gone. Heart area feels empty, vacuous, hollow.
The skin-level energy, the vibration, the hum, is amplified. Feels sharper, like the texture of gravel.
Vibrational texture of energy in the head has increased. Feels unsettling.

something was let go, released”

The inner workings of the body: beating of heart, flowing of blood, flowing of energy, breathing, feel less impeded, perhaps unimpeded. As if less work is being done to reach and extend throughout the body. More openness. Feels like a swirling, circulating glow of air and life-force. Yet, it also feels unfamiliar and foreign. As if a change for the better has been made, and that is understood intellectually, yet its unfamiliarity invites some hesitancy to fully surrender to it, as might happen with a more familiar sensation.

the desire to seek”

This one’s fascinating. It’s not clear and feels as though an unimaginable concept is being sensed. As if I was asked: “What does it feel like to desire to be a flagpole.” There’s a reliance on memory of what it used to feel like, yet that remembered state can’t viscerally be felt. I remember it having a feeling, but it’s no longer reachable. The current feeling is: The body feels divided into opposing halves, a dissonance of feelings on the left and right within the chest, neck, and head. One side is airy, dusty, light, glistening, sharp, curved and whirling (like tendrils of glitter suspended in liquid). Like internal electrified air. There is a subtle warmth on the skin. And the other side feels energetically solid yet malleable, still, and more uniform, like a masonry block of potential energy. (Wishing for a more sensory descriptive way to describe “energy” as it’s felt in the body). Subtle vibrancy? ‘Not’ stagnation? There is a slight tension in the chest and throat due, similar to sensations associated with confusion and uncertainty.
Feeling as though more imagination is being used here, and less actual sensing.

feeling dissatisfied”

Again, relying on recall of past experiences . . .
Restlessness. An urge. A tension, tightness, and mild sharpness surrounding the heart that reaches up into the throat. A volatile, deep, energetic vibrating. A curiosity in the head. Yet what does curiosity feel like? What does a need feel like? A thirst; yet it is not thirst of a dry throat, but rather a dry “I”, a parched “me” in need of liquid answers. It’s as if an equalization of atmospheres within the body and outside the body is needed. I may have to sit with this one more. I’m going way too far into interpretation land.

With gratitude,
Somerton.

[graceabounds]

Beautiful. Very good exploration.

Certainly try another pass and keep stepping away from interpretationland. In fact strip all the labels away.

Vibrational texture of energy in the head has increased. Feels unsettling.

Are these connected? Is ‘unsettling’ a thought? Does it happen after the sensation? Or is unsettling a sensation?

Take away label ‘head’ and look directly at where this energy increase is felt. Is there a boundary or just scattered sensations appearing?

What does a need feel like?

What indeed?

Is there ‘need’ without a thought of need? Is there ownership of need?

As if a change for the better has been made, and that is understood intellectually, yet its unfamiliarity invites some hesitancy to fully surrender to it, as might happen with a more familiar sensation

Does the sensation ask for surrender?
Or is that instruction coming from thought?

How is unfamiliar or familiar known? Foreign? Who decides which sensation is ‘foreign’?

There’s a reliance on memory of what it used to feel like, yet that remembered state can’t viscerally be felt. I remember it having a feeling, but it’s no longer reachable.

Yes. Work in this next round with whatever is here now.

Much love,
Becca

[Somerton]

Hello Becca,

Just a quick reply to let you know work has been unusually time-consuming, and there's some research happening on this end to look further into how to describe sensations without using labels. Your request has thrown me for a bit of a loop :-)
All words are labels, are they not? I feel I've been given my first kōan.

Hoping to reply fully this weekend when there will be more time for observing.

Be well,
Somerton

[graceabounds]

No rush :)

Words are indeed labels.

Take your time this week just looking at what is in front of you for awhile. Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing
them with stories about what they are.

Give it some time…
Then, stop watching the objects as labelled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing. This is direct experience. :)

Much love.