Please help me get through! (Ilona?)

[Improved]

Hello!

My name is Niklas and I have been a relentless seeker for years.
The last few weeks the urge to know truth of my being has become so strong that it has completely taken over my life.
I feel like I am so very close but there is some belief/beliefs that I am unconscious of that just cant be seen through..

Please help me!

[Improved]

...or anyone else, if you want to. :)
(you can be totally frank, im fed up with the bullshit..)

[Eloratea]

Hello Niklas and welcome!

Do you believe right now that there is you? Is that true?

Look, don't think and be honest if you want the truth.

[Improved]

Thank you!

Id like to say that I dont believe but I do...
I do believe that I am a separate entity even though years of study has told me that there is none

[Eloratea]

ok, you believe, but is it true?
Check it right now. Look deeply and write what you have found. Where is you?

[Improved]

I can not find me when looking for me..
When I look for me in the body i find feelings and sensations that feels like me.. but they cant be who I am.
When I look for me in my head i first see thoughts and memories of what i take myself to be, but as I look I see that those cant be who I am either..
I cant be found anywhere, so the belief seems to be false. Yet, I keep putting those feelings and thoughts in that belief and sort of make the belief real so to speak.. The me is a bundle of experiences within the body/mind.
I have this sense of me, but its nowhere to be found...
My experience is that I am, but I cant find where I am

[Eloratea]

I cant be found anywhere, so the belief seems to be false. Yet, I keep putting those feelings and thoughts in that belief and sort of make the belief real so to speak..

There is no you to do anything. Thoughts and feelings are labeled as „your“, but does that make them yours?

The me is a bundle of experiences within the body/mind.

Are the experiences really within body and mind? How do you know? where is mind?

I have this sense of me, but its nowhere to be found...
Having sense of something doesn't mean it really exist. Right?

My experience is that I am, but I cant find where I am

What makes this experience yours? Is there you having the experience or „you“ arise as a thought in experience?

Niklas, you have to really and deeply look not just intellectually engage in this.

Be well.

[Improved]

"There is no you to do anything. Thoughts and feelings are labeled as „your“, but does that make them yours?"

No.. it does not, the feelings belong to the body. The thoughts belong to the mind.
The assumption is that I am the body/mind, but looking directly at that assumption, I see that it cant be so

"Are the experiences really within body and mind? How do you know? where is mind?

I have this sense of me, but its nowhere to be found...
Having sense of something doesn't mean it really exist. Right?"

I mean the experiences within the body, the knot in the stomach, feelings etc they are located within the body.
Where is the mind? I dont know.... I cant find it as a "something". I can find thoughts, and together they make the concept of "mind" right?
Having sense of something doesnt mean it exist... No, that is true. So the sense of self is false? Its pointing to something that doesnt exist?

"What makes this experience yours? Is there you having the experience or „you“ arise as a thought in experience?"

"I", what I take myself to be is within this experience.. yet "I" take credit for being the observer, the doer, the thinker... I just cant see that it can be any other way than so. There seems so obvious that there is a person in this experience, in this body that is trying. I cant find it anywhere, but it seems like its here.

"Niklas, you have to really and deeply look not just intellectually engage in this."

I am doing this. Alot of feelings is coming up when Im looking at this

[Improved]

Like a pressure over the chest and a knot in my stomach.. it feels like it is somehow blocking the realization to happen

[Improved]

it feels like EVERYTHING is keeping me from knowing this.
the longing for it is so intense and the frustration that now, this is yet another day where I havent realized the truth of my being.... feel like im beating my head against a wall here

[Eloratea]

"I", what I take myself to be is within this experience.. yet "I" take credit for being the observer, the doer, the thinker... I just cant see that it can be any other way than so. There seems so obvious that there is a person in this experience, in this body that is trying. I cant find it anywhere, but it seems like its here.

Yes, there is a personality; character with name Niklas in a story of Niklas' life, but it is not you. You is just a thought. So it can't be a thinker or doer.
Look how thoughts happen. Are you causing them?
Do you have control over them? Know the next thought?

Watch the actions as they happen. They happen, than come thoughts translating what happened and ascribing it to the „I“.
Look into your actual experience, how it unfolds. Watch the breathing – is there you breathing, or it is just breathing?
Relax.
Feelings and frustrations are signs of resistance, protecting the discovering of self illusion. It is ok. Stay friendly with your experience, whatever it is. Truth is already here and now.

Warm regards.

[Improved]

Yes, there is a personality; character with name Niklas in a story of Niklas' life, but it is not you. You is just a thought. So it can't be a thinker or doer.

Ok... feeling this for a bit.
So "I" am just a thought... everything I take myself to be, that is present in this experience, is real.
But that that is what I am, is false?

The thought "But what am I then?" comes up..

Look how thoughts happen. Are you causing them?
Do you have control over them? Know the next thought?

No when observing thoughts, they seem to just come from nowhere.
However, sooner or later comes a thought with alot of identification in.. something like "Yeah, now I get this!" or "Ok, now Ive watched thoughts for a while, whats next?"

Its just the same with breathing.. when I dont observe breath, it happens without me doing it. But when I observe it, I immediately take control of it and affect them..

I also identify alot with attention, like I feel like its me who decides where to look, what to observe etc..

Watch the actions as they happen. They happen, than come thoughts translating what happened and ascribing it to the „I“.
Look into your actual experience, how it unfolds. Watch the breathing – is there you breathing, or it is just breathing?

Yes, when doing this, I can see that it all happens spontaneously.. but when thoughts not appear, theres this persistant sense of "me".. a feeling in the body containing "what I am"

Relax.
Feelings and frustrations are signs of resistance, protecting the discovering of self illusion. It is ok. Stay friendly with your experience, whatever it is. Truth is already here and now.

Thank you, Im calmer now :)

[Eloratea]

Ok... feeling this for a bit.
So "I" am just a thought... everything I take myself to be, that is present in this experience, is real.
But that that is what I am, is false?

"I am" is thought put on the experience.

The thought "But what am I then?" comes up..

Just a thought.
Spend some time sitting, observing, what is it that is. See the difference between direct perception and thinking.

No when observing thoughts, they seem to just come from nowhere.
However, sooner or later comes a thought with alot of identification in.. something like "Yeah, now I get this!" or "Ok, now Ive watched thoughts for a while, whats next?"

Yes, also just thoughts. Thoughts are part of the experience, but problem is they distort it; sometimes badly.

Its just the same with breathing.. when I dont observe breath, it happens without me doing it. But when I observe it, I immediately take control of it and affect them..

How do you take control of the breathing? Where is you taking control? There are thoughts connected with body movements.

I also identify alot with attention, like I feel like its me who decides where to look, what to observe etc..
Is it you or decisions happen? Look how it happens, don't think.
Yes, when doing this, I can see that it all happens spontaneously.. but when thoughts not appear, there is this persistant sense of "me".. a feeling in the body containing "what I am"

May it be just the feeling of aliveness and awareness plus „I“ thought and condition body response to that thought, to that identification?

Best wishes.

[Improved]

"I am" is thought put on the experience.

Yes but not on the entirety of the experience, but just on some certain body/mind functions

Spend some time sitting, observing, what is it that is. See the difference between direct perception and thinking.

I will but its hard when Im so frustrated about it

How do you take control of the breathing? Where is you taking control? There are thoughts connected with body movements.

When attention is not on breathing, breathing happens naturally..
When I zoom in on the breathing, I have the ability to change it.. I can hold my breathe or make it slower etc

May it be just the feeling of aliveness and awareness plus „I“ thought and condition body response to that thought, to that identification?

Yes! absolutely so. But this I-thought is so vague, still dominant.. I cant put my finger on exactly what the I-thought consists of..

[Eloratea]

Yes but not on the entirety of the experience, but just on some certain body/mind functions

Are you some certain body-mind functions?

Spend some time sitting, observing, what is it that is. See the difference between direct perception and thinking.
I will but its hard when Im so frustrated about it

Would it be more accurate to stay that there is frustration in experience, but no one is frustrated? Look. Is there frustrated self, than happy self, calm self…? Or there are just different appearances arising?

How do you take control of the breathing? Where is you taking control? There are thoughts connected with body movements.
When attention is not on breathing, breathing happens naturally..
When I zoom in on the breathing, I have the ability to change it.. I can hold my breathe or make it slower etc

Pay attention. There is attention, intent, thoughts and changed reactions of the body. But is there self in the process to be observed?

May it be just the feeling of aliveness and awareness plus „I“ thought and condition body response to that thought, to that identification?

Yes! absolutely so. But this I-thought is so vague, still dominant.. I cant put my finger on exactly what the I-thought consists of..

What could thought consist of? It is just a thought! And belief that there is something real behind. But look – here right now what can be directly perceived and what is just imagined?

Greetings!