The Gate

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
In 2014 I lost absolutely everyone I loved with 2 months. I was traumatised and began a very sincere lonely seeking journey leaving no stone unturned. In 2021 I reached another dead end and surrendering to will of God. I continued practice and one day in 2023 something shifted accidentally and was beautiful for awhile. There was a quite mind.

What are you looking for at LU?
Reflecting on what parts of mind are grasping a return, recently all memories are clearing and weird stuff happening leading questions about were any memories real. There is a feeling that it’s just now with no past , I would love to explore this further.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Truth, pointing to where self inquiry would be helpful, experience of direction on how I can deepen these realisations or become more confident in accepting the realisations which seem clear but something is looking for reflection or something. To be honest, it feels appropriate.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Seeking, every religion, new age, ashrams, mindfulness, ayurveda, popular spiritual gurus,
Eg joe dispensa, vipassana, ete etc. Almost full time 2017 - 2022.

Practice since 2022, 20 min breath awareness, self inquiry , journaling inquiry. All consistent daily practice.
Self home retreats with full digital detox.

Things are changing over last 6 weeks.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

Hello, Fin (is that what you’d like me to call you, or some other name?),

Welcome to Liberation Unleashed. My name is Magdalena and I’m happy to assist you.

Tell me:

Without resorting to thought, what are you RIGHT NOW?

Is there any time / any place to return to?

Is every moment perfect?


Please answer all my questions. Before you do, please watch this short video to learn how to use the Quote function which we will need in our conversation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=deskt ... AToDNh9hQ

 

Hello Magdalena,
Thank you for your kindness.
Fin, short for Fionnuala is perfect.

Without resorting to thought, what are you RIGHT NOW

I don’t know

is there any time/place to return to

I don’t believe anything exists outside of now , However I do know something in thoughts or body sensations is trying to pull at stories of sadness, regret, loss, future, I’m riding this wave, but something does seem to want to be seen but I can’t seem to find exactly what it is.

Is every moment perfect

Right now there is some sensation in body, stomach area, with mind trying to associate a story or meaning to, Despite discomfort, it is perfect in a bizarre way, I’m trying to love and allow this sensation, there is an intuitive feeling that whatever needs to be seen is appearing in this perfect moment. Life has deemed this moment perfect for this to be seen, It feels like a deep deep small child memory.

My views on things have changed over last year, and seeing every moment as perfect has given me a new perspective on life, I feel I was never in control, the waves of life, ups and downs, do not overwhelm me as much as in the past.

reactions are definitely still in system, from over joyed / huge bliss high - say peak of wave - to anger/overwhelm/ low - bottom of wave - and a yearning desire to be neutral free of highs or lows.

Slowly seeing the highs and lows are essentially no different from each other, both are reactions, I’ve begun recently to watch these waves and stopped berating myself and become kinder to body/mind which is trying so hard to support my journey. It feels like the truth in my heart is at odds with the body/mind, My heart is watching with love the body/mind being tossed in the waves from high to low.

Hello Fin,

I don’t believe anything exists outside of now

What makes you believe that?

…something in thoughts or body sensations is trying to pull at stories of sadness, regret, loss, future

Yes, we respond emotionally to mental stories. Then more stories are offered in response, then more emotional response, and so it goes. A vicious circle.

What happens when you try to stop the stories from coming?

What happens when you try to replace the stories of sadness etc. with other stories – of cheerfulness, etc.?

What happens when you simply let the stories run, kind of in the background, without paying much attention to them – like having a car radio on that nobody is really listening to?

… something does seem to want to be seen but I can’t seem to find exactly what it is.

No need to strive or search for anything. Things always happen in the only way that is possible at the given moment. If you can’t find what bugs you right now, no worries – it will come up when the conditions are right.

Despite discomfort, it is perfect in a bizarre way

Yes. It doesn’t need to be any different, does it?

I’m trying to love and allow this sensation, there is an intuitive feeling that whatever needs to be seen is appearing in this perfect moment.

Look, these things are really simple.
There is no need to try and love anything. You love it or you don’t. No need to buy into this pseudo-spiritual idea that you need to “love” what’s happening.
Whether you love it or not, does it make any difference?

The point is: Could it be any different, given all the circumstances that came before?

reactions are definitely still in system, from over joyed / huge bliss high - say peak of wave - to anger/overwhelm/ low - bottom of wave - and a yearning desire to be neutral free of highs or lows.

They will be there as long as they need to be.
Remember, things are the only way they can be right now. If they could be different, they simply would be. Make sense?

Slowly seeing the highs and lows are essentially no different from each other

Agreed.

… stopped berating myself …

That’s the best thing that can happen. You’re not in control – why berate yourself? All is well, and has always been.

…and become kinder to body/mind which is trying so hard to support my journey.

This is your imagination speaking.
We have no way of knowing about what “body/minds” do, much less why.

No need to spin more stories on top of those that are there already.
Keep it simple.

Is there a journey that can be called “Fin’s journey”?

Is there a journey at all?

It feels like the truth in my heart is at odds with the body/mind, My heart is watching with love the body/mind being tossed in the waves from high to low.

This stops when the seeing that things could not be/have been any different becomes a default.
Then there is peace.

You can rest now, it is all good.
Things do sort themselves out on their own.

Hi magdelana,

Thank you for your support,
These responses have been so incredibly insightful. I’m very grateful.

What makes you believe that?

Recently I noticed that I couldn’t trust any thing other than now - however past moments unfolded they were handled exactly as they showed up then. I knew they couldn’t be judged - so I seem to be just moving through now moments -

What happens when you try to stop the stories from coming?

It will stop - but another will try and take its place, I’m finding it easier if I’m alone - but around others I can see the stories as words coming out of my mouth- I’m beginning to become more aware of this tendency- it feels like we live in a soup of stories - I feel I’m reacting to these situational stories- many which trigger old memories- it feels like whatever the theme it will find a way of showing up -

What happens when you try to replace the stories of sadness etc. with other stories – of cheerfulness, etc.?

I can easily do this - and I do - hence the highs and lows - I am noticing the cheerfulness masks an angry story which is a truth.

What happens when you simply let the stories run, kind of in the background, without paying much attention to them – like having a car radio on that nobody is really listening to?

I’m going to experiment with this, thank you.

No need to strive or search for anything.

Yes - they certainly seem to show up, there was a deeply felt anger story last evening- I didn’t push down but it did provide space and some clarity- it was a deep sadness and anger at being manipulated in the past !!!!!

Yes. It doesn’t need to be any different, does it?

I agree- it’s a real paradox- but beautifully authentic - the full spectrum of emotions-

Whether you love it or not, does it make any difference?

this is a game changer- I hated my anger last evening but it was authentic- and it was about trauma which needed to be seen and heard even if shouting at myself.

It doesn’t make any difference- it’s the shame story I tell myself afterwards which is the pseudo spiritual- I see this clearly now.

Remember, things are the only way they can be right now. If they could be different, they simply would be. Make sense?

Yes - thank you - it makes perfect sense

That’s the best thing that can happen. You’re not in control – why berate yourself? All is well, and has always been.

I’m watching a story in my head right now about should, could, would- just letting them run - I don’t like them - but not paying them any attention- saying out loud all is well and always has been seems to be giving mind a new job.

This is your imagination speaking.
We have no way of knowing about what “body/minds” do, much less why.

No need to spin more stories on top of those that are there already.
Keep it simple.

Is there a journey that can be called “Fin’s journey”?

Is there a journey at all?

Okay, I like keeping it simple and I’m noticing more pseudo spiritual stories- which are just ideas I adopted- I see these unquestioned stories now.

There is no journey- another pseudo spiritual concept. It’s just this - however it shows up - in whatever form, I can see how hard I tried to keep everyone happy and forgot myself.

This stops when the seeing that things could not be/have been any different becomes a default.
Then there is peace.

Yes - I’ve had moments of deep inner peace - but not lasting peace

You can rest now, it is all good.

Thank you - it does feel like rest relaxation is necessary.

Hey Fin,

Good to hear from you.

Recently I noticed that I couldn’t trust any thing other than now - however past moments unfolded they were handled exactly as they showed up then.

Yes.

I knew they couldn’t be judged

Whether something is judged or not, does it make any difference?
Forget all that pseudo-spiritual b/s.

- so I seem to be just moving through now moments –

So it’s not that you believe this – that you’ve read it or heard someone speak about it: it is how it is being experienced, right?

What happens when you try to stop the stories from coming?
It will stop - but another will try and take its place

Hahaha – yes LOL

it feels like we live in a soup of stories

LOL yes, I like the way you put it

it feels like whatever the theme it will find a way of showing up –

No more bottling things up, is there?

I am noticing the cheerfulness masks an angry story which is a truth.

Don’t know about “truth” but isn’t it that stories do as they please and cannot really be controlled?

What happens when you simply let the stories run, kind of in the background, without paying much attention to them – like having a car radio on that nobody is really listening to?
I’m going to experiment with this, thank you.

Please do. Make it a regular habit. Once is not enough.
Tell me how it goes.

it was a deep sadness and anger at being manipulated in the past !!!!!

I hear you.
On the one hand, it’s good to express sadness, anger, etc.
On the other hand, can anyone (yourself included) be blamed for what they do? Seeing that we cannot even control our thoughts, much less actions? In other words, whatever someone (yourself included) did at any point was the only thing they could do. If they could have acted any differently, they would – wouldn’t they?

it’s a real paradox- but beautifully authentic - the full spectrum of emotions-

Yes, I feel that way too. No need to pick and choose. It’s all good the way I see it.

I’m watching a story in my head right now about should, could, would- just letting them run - I don’t like them - but not paying them any attention

Ignore it. Do what feels right in the moment - what puts you at peace.

- saying out loud all is well and always has been seems to be giving mind a new job.

I didn’t mean this as a mantra or an affirmation or something. Once it’s realised and becomes a default, there’s no need to say it.

There is no journey- another pseudo spiritual concept.

I see it that way too. 😉

Yes - I’ve had moments of deep inner peace - but not lasting peace

It will become lasting when the conditions are right – when you can no longer be angry at anyone (yourself included) or blame anyone (yourself included), when the sense of loss turns into gratitude for all that was gifted before the loss occurred (if you’re still able to remember all that stuff, that is).

Thank you - it does feel like rest relaxation is necessary.

You’re very welcome.
Relax. It’s all going the way it needs to be going. It is all good (ooops, sorry 😉).

Good morning Magdalena,
A new day , and seeing that however that anger showed up it managed to show something.

I played with your responses and continue to see the car radio playing often with very funny stories- then I wondered where are these stories originating from. Is it something I read, people I see, something I noticed in a supermarket for example, tv, whatever- it’s possible my mind is playing a theme story looking for evidence everywhere to support its story. I know this is all just another thought but it’s what is being noticed right now.

The 2nd realization is questioning absolutely everything and I have enjoyed the pseudo spiritual b/s that I obviously did buy into - questioning everything now
Seeing clearly that since no original thought- mind has stored away stuff that I pull out from time to time - questioning everything.

So it’s not that you believe this – that you’ve read it or heard someone speak about it: it is how it is being experienced, right?

In truth it’s how it’s being experienced and has been for quite a while - but now I’m questioning what is even any truth- my mind would love to give you a great story about this - and right now I’m laughing at the fantastic story- it’s all nonsense- thank you for reflecting this. I’m now questioning everything. I’m obviously not living moment to moment.

No more bottling things up, is there?

That is wisdom- there is nowhere to hide.

Tell me how it goes.

I’m actually now doing it , it’s interesting how kind moves to another story if I don’t grasp anything. I’ll continue this and let you know.

other words, whatever someone (yourself included) did at any point was the only thing they could do. If they could have acted any differently, they would – wouldn’t they?

Forgiveness story - how can absolutely anything anyone ever be judged etc. I can see this now - and desire this to be fully embodied. It’s the minds stories about it which keeps looping me back - it’s the story which continues to grab me.

will become lasting when the conditions are right – when you can no longer be angry at anyone (yourself included) or blame anyone (yourself included), when the sense of loss turns into gratitude for all that was gifted before the loss occurred (if you’re still able to remember all that stuff, that is).

Thank you Magdalena, something within me really felt seen and heard here, It’s produced no story but a sense of rest. Something without attaching a story to it.


Thank you for your support, I sincerely appreciate all your time and attention.
Fin

Morning, Fin,
Good to hear from you. 😊

I’m questioning what is even any truth- my mind would love to give you a great story about this –

That’s a big one – can we ever know if anything like “truth” even exists?

I’m obviously not living moment to moment.

What makes you say that?

I’m actually now doing it , it’s interesting how kind moves to another story if I don’t grasp anything. I’ll continue this and let you know.

OK

Forgiveness story - how can absolutely anything anyone ever be judged etc. I can see this now - and desire this to be fully embodied.

Forgiveness IS a story. Can you see this?

I don’t know about anything being “fully embodied” (sounds like yet another bit of pseudo-spiritual mumbo-jumbo to me).

No need to desire anything to happen.
Haven’t you seen that you are not in control of any of it?
Meaning whether you desire something or you don’t, makes no difference.

Thank you Magdalena, something within me really felt seen and heard here, It’s produced no story but a sense of rest. Something without attaching a story to it.

Nice.
Rest as much as you can. No need to struggle any more. All is well.

Thank you for your support, I sincerely appreciate all your time and attention.

You’re very welcome. Be well.

Good morning Magdalena,

Something is quietly happening right now.

Yesterday all stories such as forgiveness, notion of a true self, all desires etc started to evaporate into a sense of hopelessness - not in a depression sense - but just seeing things as they are.

I’m actually finding it difficult to find anything to write about.

Meanwhile I woke up this morning with a cold and will get some rest this weekend- weather also providing perfect conditions.

I just wanted to touch base, and let you know all is well.

Sincere thanks Magdalena. Speak soon.

Fin

Hey Fin,

Good to hear from you.
Keep warm and get well soon.

Good morning Magdalena

It’s been an interesting weekend where I felt I was in a tumble dryer of thoughts, emotions, peace, anger, a real storm. Periods of rest, then absolute activity.

Interestingly I felt fully back at that moment of trauma in 2014 - and something about that memory which triggered everything appeared to reveal a truth I never wanted to see. It was all about betrayal- but the energy behind it enormous.

This morning and right now there is a deeply peaceful feeling- it was actually so simple and now dissolved- it was just a story I refused to let go of.

But who is the “I” letting go of anything- something has let go - it’s now just this, with no thoughts to create a story, that story now gone seems to have just left peace.

So I’m doing things - I’m moving house - I appear to be and I’m packing- etc. even the moving house was just something- the trauma story surrendered seems to have left nothing to fill mind with thoughts.

I hope this makes some sort of sense- I’ll see how day plays out - but for now it seems I’m just doing the next thing free of thoughts, I’m trying to see who is doing anything- and where is this knowing of what to do next is coming from.

The magical mystery- I don’t know , but something new is happening.

Sending love and thanks
Fin

Hey Fin,

All this sounds really good to me.

As for the letting go - what if the "letting go" is a story too? Part of the story soup you've referred to earlier?

Have a good day. :)

what if the "letting go" is a story too

Of course it is, it’s just this , nothing more,
Thank you

Right.
And so is.any effort needed for anything to occur?

Absolutely nothing- so chilled watching a comedy on tv - right now This moment is perfect, I feel so grateful, thank you.