This too shall pass

[Zentinel]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That everything the unspoken word identifies itself with is an illusion. As everything in existence exists in/out of the unspoken word, nothing is ever separated from it. Just an illusion.

What are you looking for at LU?
Share thoughts on how to live and deal with the dual existence after the Awakening. You guys are running this website, right 😉 So why do anything, and what? What is worth seeking when realized, that everything we do and build is neither permanent nor does it make any difference in the illusion of form.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I am following the hints of life through others who are on my path. "I" do not expect anything. I have listened to Eckhart Tolle for about 15 years now, done a plethora of physical and mental exercises, and was desperate for truth. Then a life event catalyzed everything and pushed me through the process. The "I" died at that point. Meeting people along my path is all there is left.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Years of Meditation, hundreds of Books, existential despair, depression... Ultimately led to a radical awakening in April 24. I am currently going through the "aftermath" and cleanup process.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[Bananafish]

Hi Zentinel. :)

I suppose you chose this place as a platform for a dialogue
on life after awakening?

Please tell what in particular you want to talk about (in details),
and we could start from that topic.

Best,

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hey Kento,

you are right, I had a radical awakening earlier this year, and now the situations and people in my life start to change. I am still getting used to not reacting to triggers coming from outside, as I see through the whole ego game and just don't feel the need to participate any more. Recently talked with a friend and told her it is like walking through a gallery of myself, looking at something that once had "importance and value", but when trying to "hold" it, it just dissolves like a sand statue between my hands.

As more and more of these old structures get triggered by changing situations in life, there is less and less left to hang on to, and at the same time there is no one who "wants" to hang on to something. Just pure awareness of what is here and now, and in those situations it is watching the trigger, old reaction, and the purging.

What is left to do? Following impulses and thought structures, aka building an ego and living by its values? Don't think so.

Only thing that feels good is helping others wake up when I meet them on my path. Accept and let go of ego structures, mine and theirs. Laughing, Touching, Cuddling together, the natural ways for humans to experience connection and joy, and detach from the prison of identification and belief. Everything else feels not worth doing at the moment, and "I" don't know if it will change, nor do "I" care.

How to "decide" anything when there is no one deciding but life? It's a bit like a dog going in circles for its own tail. Over time, some ego structures crept back in, and "I" identify with them for some time. But the realization of no-self and no-time comes washing over my awareness regularly and purges away the false self.

What am "I" hanging on to, and why? Do "I" still crave security and attachment in any form? When acting from pure awareness, the decisions come naturally, effortless. But when an old identification creeps in, the awareness gets tainted. Best cause of action seems to be learning from others who have been longer in this process to avoid common pitfalls and speed it up.

I hope the dilemma is obvious. English is not my native language, so please ask away if anything remains unclear.

Thanks for your help, much appreciated.

[Bananafish]

Hi Zentinel. :)

That was an interesting read. For the most part of your current experience,
it reads as something very familiar to those who have gone through this process, and I don't see anything
of a "pitfall", except that you wrote:

When acting from pure awareness, the decisions come naturally, effortless. But when an old identification creeps in, the awareness gets tainted.

You might have already noticed that this is a slight dualistic view.
And the fact that you are actually experiencing it shows there is some room for further
inquiry.

If you're up for it, please tell what this "awareness" that gets tainted is,
and how it is tainted. See whether it is really tainted or if it is an illusion, just like
you saw in the case of concrete, separate "self" as an illusion.

Regards,

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hey Kento,

You might have already noticed that this is a slight dualistic view.
And the fact that you are actually experiencing it shows there is some room for further
inquiry.

If you're up for it, please tell what this "awareness" that gets tainted is,
and how it is tainted. See whether it is really tainted or if it is an illusion, just like
you saw in the case of concrete, separate "self" as an illusion.

This is an intricate "thing", you are right. I will use visual language if that's ok, even tho I am describing processes of the mind.

It feels like the prison walls have been blown away, but "I" (the awareness that was used to exist in identifications and ego) is still looking through the bars sometimes, trying to figure out why and how this one thing held "me" prisoner. Every iron bar is like a view/belief that once was "of value and importance", but is ultimately an illusion. But being so used to view through these bars (that's the tainting) over so many years keeps "me" pulling back to the place. I can't yet grasp if it's out of curiosity, subconscious attachment patterns, or just a "habit" from all those years.

As written, these taintings (or "colorings" if you like) get washed away frequently, but I am not yet sure if this is just the "aftermath" of the awakening, if this is a normal process, or if there is some identification left that is yet to resolve. All my life "I" have strived to understand and analyze everything, but few years back that shifted. It feels a bit like that, viewing at what IS through the analytical mind, stepping outside of the direct experience of the here and now.

So the awareness is the direct experience of the world, the "dreamer" in which everything unfolds. "It" is not separate from the world tho, as there is nothing outside of "it".

I have meditated on this question, and came to the conclusion that this tainting happens when "I" try to match the view of other people, about me, the world or any of the topics in it. So many people put importance and value into things that (like everything) is only of relative importance for the illusion. There is something that drags me into these views, but ultimately these are illusions as well, as everybody is acting from a false self, and everything that is being made "important" stems from "another" illusionary self. Does this make sense to you? I want to dig deeper, but currently this is where I am at.

Regards,
Zentinel

[Bananafish]

Hi Zentinel. :)
Thanks for the reply.

I just noticed, by reading your reply, that there may still be a hidden belief,
which is that one has to "wash away the taintings."

If that is the case, what is the motive behind that?
Please write about any kind of your reaction to my reply.

Regards,

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hi Kento,

first thing that came to my mind is "Why think about or change anything?" Seems like there is something left that wants to play a part in the illusion, and change it to be "happier", "more enlightened" in the future. That seems to be the motive, and as the "promise" lies in an imaginary future, it is rooted in the ego.

I will meditate on that, my best guess is that there are some attachment / survival patterns left, which remain subconscious at the moment.

Regards,
Zentinel

[Bananafish]

Hi Zentinel. :)

Sorry for the late reply. Seems like there was
something wrong with the notification process.

Have you noticed anything after your last
reply?

Regards,

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hi Kento,

after some talks and meditation, I saw that it is/was from a trauma response in the fawn category. Giving up ones own needs to satisfy others, mainly women in this case.

I did have another catharsis yesterday and laughed at all this from deep down. In the evening I listened to Eckhart Tolle again and understood how "doing" is happening when awake. Not from an ego, not from thoughts, not from "me" - the "right" doing is just happening through me when being fully awake in the here and now.

I am now hyper-aware, (like a Sentinel 😅) watching for the next thought creeping into my awareness. I think there are some triggers in social situations which start this response, and my guess is the duration of these "fallbacks" will shorten from now on. Eckhart wrote that this is a normal process, but the duration and intensity will go down. Any advice how to cut through this in the best way?

Regards,
Zentinel

[Bananafish]

Hi Zentinel. :)

Yes, lots of things can happen during the course of practice,
and when something happens, the point is to see whether you're attached
to that experience or not; and if you notice you're attached, observe the
sensate experience, i.e. the bodily sensations that come along with that.
Don't name it, nor give it any kind of label like "fallback".

Just observe, full stop.

Another possibly (and powerful) practice is to see what your motive
for listening to Eckhart Tolle is.

That might reveal certain attachment, whatever it may be, of yours, which may
help you see how you're conditioned to that which you're attached to.

Let me know how it went.

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hi Kento, thanks for the insight.

Currently I am just observing what types of attachment / identification come up during the day. As there is no self, there is nothing to be attached to. There are things that feel better than others, like eating a pizza vs. eating raw vegetables, or having sex vs. no sex.

Having the knowledge from all these books was an ego boost for many years. I like to call it the "enlightened narcissist", and know lots of men living this ego illusion. It wasn't for Eckharts writings that triggered the Awakening, but it prepared me somewhat. It was only after the event that it really clicked.

My deeper motivation always was to find truth. Reading Jed McKenna and countless others did their part. Now I do not care about all this thinking, conceptualizing and fine tuned theories any more. They are just useful to maybe help others on their way.

If every attachment is also part of the illusion of ego, how and why does one pursue anything at all?

The only things that I do are working to have some money and talking to others about the illusion and awakening. Having bodily sensations feels good, but the attachment for those is vanishing as well every day. And with it all attachments and the need to entertain thoughts about the past and future. Those are getting shorter, and without giving them attention / identification they don't live long.

I will meditate on what you wrote, focus on the bodily sensation when I feel attachment of any kind coming up.

[Zentinel]

I observed several different of these sensations happening. Feels like a tingling energy in the solar plexus and the heart, and a pull in some direction inside, mostly "up". Does this make sense?

Regards,
Zentinel

[Bananafish]

Yes, makes perfect sense.

Now, listen to each sensation and hear what it is speaking.
Get to the root of the sensation. The key here is not to interpret, nor even
understand it. Whatever comes up, you just notice.

Let me know how it went.

Kento

[Zentinel]

Hey Kento,

I have been observing this for the last two days, and if I had to translate the feeling it would translate to "Love me, please". I have to say that most of my unhealthy attachment patterns have been dying off over the last months, so I think there is something left from this complex. But this is only my interpretation, and I could be on the wrong path for sure. Let me know what you think.

Regards,
Zentinel

[Bananafish]

Again, the key is not to interpret but to observe, Zentinel.

Observe not the contents of thoughts, but attend to them as sensations,
and clarify their nature one by one, as they appear.

Best,

Kento