Hi Stacy
What would you like for me to call you?
Please call me Craig. :-)
What time zone are you in, please?
Australian Eastern Standard Time which is UTC+10.
Would you like to go straight to "final" questions to see where you are?
That'd be great, thanks. :-)
Also, there's a teleconference group exploring the Buddhist Ten Fetters & you might be interested in that.
Very cool to hear, as I looked but haven't found any online groups discussing the Ten Fetters approach. I would definitely be interested in that.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, it is now totally obvious that there isn't, and there never was. It's funny how we can be so convinced that we *are* something that doesn't even exist, can't be found, has never existed. But that was how it was. Now, it is very clearly understood that those terms refer to nothing at all, they evoke nothing, and as a result no sense of such could possibly arise to claim ownership over living this life. And what a blessed release that turns out to be.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is the conviction that something exists / can be seen and experienced, that is self - 'I'/'me' and that possesses things - this body, these faculties, these possessions are 'mine'. It seems real, so we identify as it, in that we think we are that sense of self, and with that belief in place, the entire organisation of thinking is aligned around that grand deception. So when thought occurs, it is perceived that 'I' think. When action occurs, it is 'me' acting. When 'my' actions don't produce the intended result, I consider 'myself' responsible so 'I' feel inadequate. It's like a pollutant that enters the mind and seeps into every nook and cranny, corrupting every thought that arises with the sense of existence, agency and ownership. Since it is 'my' life, 'I' am deeply concerned at how things play out. Everything is evaluated against this selfish criterion. If 'I' don't get what 'I' want, 'I' become upset. It just goes on and on.
The problem is that it all started with a flawed premise. The so-called experience of being a separate self only ever pointed to a mirage, something that doesn't exist, can't be found because it never existed. Due to the ability of the mind to believe in its own content, it believed itself to be owned and operated by one of its own creations - a curious placeholder for something that had no existence in actuality in the first place. Even 'the mind' is just another thought, one that occurs because formerly it was taken to be 'my' mind in which thinking occurs. There's nothing to own anything, and no mind to own. It's like that old saying, the truth is stranger than fiction!
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It's very freeing to be no longer possessed, defined or limited in that way. In the newfound absence of the separate entity that thought it was living this life and fighting the good fight, it turns out no one needed to be fighting at all. There's also no one to blame. Life simply happens of its own accord, which makes everything so much easier. 'I' was difficult due to 'my' selfishness. Without 'me' making everything so difficult, it's remarkably easy going.
It's totally centerless, open, seamless and free-flowing which is just lovely. There no place inside or outside or anywhere that seems to be 'me'.
It's pretty unusual and not what I expected at all beforehand, but in a good way! Everything is disconnected from everything else in experience, a series of discrete processes, with things occurring separately in their own space, their own domain. Previously, it would have been experienced that 'I am thinking this series of thoughts, I am typing what I have thought, and my eyes see the letters appear on the monitor'. Now it is that the hands type these answers, or if I look more closely, the fingers strike each letter to spell out the words that when I wonder about their origin seem to come from nowhere at all, yet they make sense. The letters appear on the monitor. It all happens rather miraculously.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
An article on simplytheseen.com regarding the 1st Fetter entitled "No Self or A Better Self?" talked about the Empirical Self, and I'd never heard of that term before. When I looked into what empirical means ("originating in or based on observation or experience - Mirriam Webster"), I realised that there was the sense that 'I' could observe 'myself', that 'I' was something I could see, as well as *be*. That was important, because that's where the illusion lies, like the blind spot in our vision.
Then I came across the teaching in Gateless Gatecrashers that if someone was told there was a unicorn in the room, they wouldn't even bother to look, and that really rang true for me. Then a point was made that we keep looking for a self that we think exists, even though there's no evidence for it existing. We don't look for a unicorn in the room, so why do we keep looking for this self despite there being no evidence for it? I faced a dilemma. It appeared that there was a difference between the two. A unicorn wasn't believed in, but 'I' surely had to exist. There was no evidence for it, 'I' couldn't be found... and then it clicked. Of course it can't be found - it doesn't exist. And the belief in that separate self, as well as the belief that I was that self, simply collapsed.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decisions seem to just arise spontaneously. They are informed/influenced by what has been learned previously. There's no one making the decisions. Just decisions occurring. But they don't seem to have the same weight they did previously, now that there is no longer the sense that 'I' decide anything. It seemed to create a sense of gravitas around the decisions, when they were thought to be 'my' decisions. They seemed so important. Now there is just responding spontaneously to what is happening.
Example: It is remembered that an appointment needs to be made with the accountant to submit my tax return. It is recalled that the accountant's phone number is written down already for convenience after failing to get through earlier this morning. There's no time like the present, so the call is placed before it is forgotten again, and with the assistance of the helpful voice on the phone an appointment is made for this Thursday. After hanging up, it is noted that there are only three days between now and Thursday and it is remembered that there already are a number of commitments in those three days. There is the recognition that it might have been smarter to leave a little bit longer to get all the required paperwork together. But it is done now.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
I can't find intention. Looking for it, expecting to see intentions come and go, there's just looking looking looking... Because looking is all that is happening. This took me by surprise. I expected to see an intention arise briefly before the action occurred, but there are no separate intentions preceding looking. The question being asked and read resulted in the looking occurring.
Sometimes sensations occur that trigger a resulting action, e.g. the belt I am wearing feels constrictive, and my left hand tugs at the belt to bring about a moment of relief. But it's not 'my' belt, it's not 'my' hand or 'me' tugging at the belt, it's just the belt, and the left hand tugging at the belt. But it starts sounding strange to describe events occurring without using the convention of 'I', 'me' and 'my' in describing such an event.
Seeing happens. The head moves. The eyes dart about. The fingers type. Everything seems to be occurring separately in discrete processes. Sometimes there seems to be the knowledge that something will be done before the doing occurs, but as no one is claiming ownership of those things being done, it's just a knowing that arises separate to the actions themselves. It doesn't seem to be intention itself.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free will is the idea that 'I' can do what 'I' want, whatever 'I' want; 'I' am free to choose. Conversely, the lack of free will was previously understood to mean that events (destiny) conspired to stop 'me' from getting what 'I' want.
It's now seen as a fundamentally flawed premise, it doesn't make sense anymore. With no 'I' to have free will, there's no one to be free or not free. Also, we're not really free from conditionality. E.g. my upbringing, schooling and various life events have imparted various beliefs that condition what occurs.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choice, the way it was previously understood here to work, doesn't exist. It was previously believed that 'I' have preferences, 'I' make choices - always ready to co-opt whatever was going on, and take credit for everything. But now it is seen 'I' don't exist, there is no 'I' that chooses anything and as a result there seems to be the closing of a gap that previously existed, as the flow of life is so seamless and uninterrupted now. There are preferences but no one to have them. There is no one to choose. Actions occur, there's no separate choice step that stands out anymore.
In the above example for decision-making with the call to the accountant, after realising there was not much time to prepare, there was a choice to ring the accountant back to reschedule, or leave it as-is. It was immediately known that the appointment would be left as is. So a choice occurred naturally and instantaneously, with no 'I' involved in any of it.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
It was previously believed that 'I' was in control of this body, sought control over some things, and already had control of other things.
But with no belief in 'I' whatsoever now, there's no one to exercise control. There's no one at the controls. No one to want to be in control. And there's nothing to control. There's just spontaneous participation in life occurring now.
Already it's becoming clear that the way of operating is very different to how it used to work. I've spontaneously chosen to take part in things like a family get-together on a day I might have otherwise preferred to spend doing other things, or helping out by driving some in-laws to the airport, that previously I would have avoided due to a sense it was not something 'I' wanted to do. And I found myself effortlessly enjoying those activities way more than usual. With no separate self standing in the way of the participation in the flow of life, the days are becoming simpler and more enjoyable.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Nothing makes things happen - nothing findable in experience, anyway. Things just happen, and we can they happen in accordance with the conditions that resulted in their arising. The example of raising one's arm is recalled. The arm raises. It lowers. There's no 'I' raising or lowering the arm. Thirst may arise spontaneously due to the conditions in this body. A full glass of water on the desk can be raised to the lips and drunk from, and the thirst is observed to be quenched. There's no one doing any of that. No one is required to do it, it just happens of its own accord.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
There's no 'me' to be responsible for anything. Things just happen - including accidents and mistakes.
The burden of responsibility is based on the belief that the believed-in 'I' instigates the actions and thus bears responsibility for them. But there is no 'I' that instigates actions, there never was. A thought/belief does not act, does not instigate action, thoughts are thought, and beliefs are believed until they are seen for what they are, and discarded.
6) Anything to add?
It's so outrageous that we can intellectually grasp the concepts and even be convinced this territory has been trodden already, whilst leaving the 'I' intact! I now see why this validation step is so essential. I greatly appreciate you helping me with this.
Thanks so much
Craig