Lost and not found

[PaulR]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this? That all creation is a one and exists only as this moment. The 'self' is body mind story and arises in the illusory separation that is 'me'.
This statement is my best effort to distil my rather confused 'understanding' of what I have gathered of non-duality, mainly on Youtube.

What are you looking for at LU? For 'liberation', as you define it. I have been seeking for some years and hope to be rid of the inherent frustration.
To connect with like minded illusions :) become a better person and have 'faith' in something, for once.

What do you expect from a guided conversation? Some struggle, some laughter and, with a fair breeze, some 'liberation'. In practical terms, Patience and Politeness in an air of Positivity and thus avoid the usual three P's. I've still got 9 characters left! No, done it :)

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry? Much Youtube watching more recently Alan Watts, Jim Newman, Lubo and Luchana (who led me here). Once member of a local Buddhism group for a year and have read Tolle and some Buddhist texts . Raised Church of England and now agnostic.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,
Welcome to the forum.

What a wonderful synchronicity :) I can join you in this journey, if you are ok?

That all creation is a one and exists only as this moment. The 'self' is body mind story and arises in the illusory separation that is 'me'.

Wonderful! And what is not responded to this statement?

...hope to be rid of the inherent frustration.

OK. Notice that there is no self even now, there is the This + a story & judging thoughts, is it like this?
Is it posible something really to exist but only in thoughts?
So, this me in the story exist really in This or there is only What Is?

become a better person

:) but here what you are looking for, is that there is no person at all?
Please find the person and show it to me? Not person's body, not person's story, not person's house - but the person, the owner of all this, the owner who said "My life"?

Love and greetings from me and Luchana,
Lubo

[PaulR]

Hello Lubo :) and thank you so much for offering to guide me! I would love to accept your help!
I have taken much benefit from watching you and Luchana on Youtube and
since posting my request on LU, I have had a look over the site and have read Gateless Gatecrashers.
I believe a shift has occurred and my thoughts do no longer seem so personal, nor so insistent - much more
background. I have looked hard and have not found any 'self' other than in thought. There is an intellectual acceptance of no 'self' and more than that - I feel a deep peace at quiet times and many other mental health improvements. All of that said, however, it does, mostly, still seem that I'm the one behind the eyes running the show and doing the doing. Perhaps, these feelings and thoughts of ownership just arise and must simply be seen for the nonsense they are?

'That all creation is a one and exists only as this moment. The 'self' is body mind story and arises in the illusory separation that is 'me'.' I agree and 'my' answer arises as this moment.

'...hope to be rid of the inherent frustration.' OK. Notice that there is no self even now, there is the This + a story & judging thoughts, is it like this? Is it posible something really to exist but only in thoughts?
So, this me in the story exist really in This or there is only What Is?
There is only 'what is', 'the this'. Impossible for thought to exist as a physicality - ergo, 'self' can only be an abstract illusion. Body and brain exist, but for 'no-one'. No self = No free will. Brain makes autonomic decisions/choices, subsequently adopted
by 'self' as story.

'become a better person'
:) but here what you are looking for, is that there is no person at all?
Please find the person and show it to me? Not person's body, not person's story, not person's house - but the person, the owner of all this, the owner who said "My life"?
'I' 'Me' My' 'Self' are all one and the same illusory thought. This body and brain sit here unable to offer a 'person' :)
I am no-one, nobody, have never and will never exist.

Thank you again, Lubo. I hope this meets you both well and in good spirits.
Best wishes from sunny Cornwall.
Paul

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,

Hello Lubo :) and thank you so much for offering to guide me! I would love to accept your help!

Wonderful!

I'm the one behind the eyes running the show and doing the doing

Look this:
I doesn't exist but not I don't exist, what is coming?

Life is watching or small person is living behind the eyes?
Are you serious that there is someone behind the eyes? :)
Who is running the show - Life or something outside the life?
Don't relay on thoughts, look what is here, what is breathing, what is walking, what is speaking...

Greeting from sunny Sofia :-)

Love
Lubo

[PaulR]

Hi Lubo,
It seems a lifetime ago you emailed :)
Had something yesterday from your pointing - the feeling of life energy in the chest was strong and everything
in nature appeared extra vivid and beautiful despite wind, mist and rain! I woke this morning
to the sublime realisation, a glimpse, of the perfection of the infinite possibility of life and the beauty
of 'unknowing' intrinsic to it. I felt it... I was that perfection.
Today, a reversion to mean - lost in thought a lot and not able to access that feeling of energy etc..
Thoughts of inadequacy, despondency and what to write to you?! :)
Sitting down to that just now, I reread your words and 'don't rely on thoughts, look what is here, what is
breathing ..' etc.. is what resonates, what resonated yesterday and the energetic feeling is there again, now :)
For sure for this one, the realisation of 'no self' is not in itself sufficient. 'What is' needs your pointing to itself
to begin to see it - if that makes sense? :)
Will keep looking, being, feeling.... thinking, too :)
Thank you,
Paul

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,
Beautiful

Had something yesterday from your pointing - the feeling of life energy in the chest was strong and everything
in nature appeared extra vivid and beautiful despite wind, mist and rain! I woke this morning
to the sublime realisation, a glimpse, of the perfection of the infinite possibility of life and the beauty
of 'unknowing' intrinsic to it. I felt it... I was that perfection

Your desire makes you to see trough clouds of illusion. Wonderful!
Seeing no-self points to see what is really here and you face it :) The light is so strong, isn't it?

Today, a reversion to mean - lost in thought a lot and not able to access that feeling of energy etc..
Thoughts of inadequacy, despondency and what to write to you?! :)

Yes, don't worry, illusion will still appear.
Truth is not a state, is not a goal, is not a place where to abide. Just must be seen what is playing in this very moment. And you did it. You found the thoughts and sensations which are playing in this moment.
Notice do thoughts and sensations make entity?

I reread your words and 'don't rely on thoughts, look what is here, what is
breathing ..' etc.. is what resonates, what resonated yesterday and the energetic feeling is there again, now :)
For sure for this one, the realisation of 'no self' is not in itself sufficient. 'What is' needs your pointing to itself
to begin to see it - if that makes sense? :)

Yes :)
Look again and again until the whole picture becomes clear and doubt disappear.
Look is there separate entity which is living or living is happening effortlessly by itself?
Is there decision, choice made by entity or there is one flow, one happening?
Sit quietly and notice simplicity of life that is going on?
Does life personal?

Don't cling to any state :)

Love
Lubo

[PaulR]

Hi Lubo,
Thank you for replying so quickly.
I have looked more and have observed a mental battle, a civil war in my mind! :). Egoic thoughts constantly arising and fighting with the idea 'you are not your thoughts'. I have negotiated a peace :) While I am not my thoughts, I AM includes thoughts and ego, ego to the extent it exists as thought. This has only just taken place and I feel lighter for the 'peace' :)
I will sit with this for a while and write again in a day or two.
Feeling chilled :) thank you...
Paul

[PaulR]

Awareness again, Lubo :)
Omitted to answer your email...
I cannot say 'the light is so strong'. Further, I have no sense of emptiness or fullness.
Spaciousness is sort of absent too, and still appear to be the centre of all things.
Less so than before, but still so. I don't feel bad about this though, more a feeling of
acceptance.
Life is impersonal, effortless flow {or it bloody well would be, if I had anything to do with it!!!] [joke :)]
Good evening,
Paul

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,
Thanks for the reply.

I have looked more and have observed a mental battle, a civil war in my mind! :). Egoic thoughts constantly arising and fighting with the idea 'you are not your thoughts'. I have negotiated a peace :) While I am not my thoughts, I AM includes thoughts and ego, ego to the extent it exists as thought. This has only just taken place and I feel lighter for the 'peace' :)

mental war, egoic thoughts - are because This - Life...cannot recognised itself as what is but as a person/entity.
You are not your thoughts - but is there an entity to whom these thoughts belong to? Person who is thinking?
Separate centre from the whole?
War will stop, don't worry.

Life is impersonal, effortless flow {or it bloody well would be, if I had anything to do with it!!!]

Mmm, is there an expectation that there is an option to escape from Life?
Show me this one who wants to dismiss Life?
Yes. you have a lot to do with life :)
There is just not a person but Life. Free your self from the person/me.
I doesn't exist, but not I don't exist.
Illusion of separate self but not illusion of Life.

Love
Lubo

[PaulR]

Hi again, Lubo,
I have done my best to reply, but am confused and wonder if I misunderstand the terminology
of me my I person self 'you' etc..

'but is there an entity to whom these thoughts belong to? Person who is thinking?
Separate centre from the whole?'
Do thoughts belong? No, thoughts arise and are part of 'what is'.
I thought 'person' and 'self' mean the same. No self, so no person thinking.
No separate centre, awareness is one and I am awareness. There is no separation.
Unless 'person' is this body/brain/mind.



'Mmm, is there an expectation that there is an option to escape from Life?
Show me this one who wants to dismiss Life?'
There is no expectation, nor desire, to escape life. Not yet:)


'Yes. you have a lot to do with life :)'
I am life, but 'to do with' suggests free will and there is none.
'you' doesn't exist, does it? Do you exist, Lubo? Your body and character do, but 'you'?

'There is just not a person but Life. Free your self from the person/me.'
There is no 'self/person/me' to be free from.

'I doesn't exist, but not I don't exist.
Illusion of separate self but not illusion of Life.'
It is clear, I am very confused. Am I awareness/life force or am I awareness/life force
contained in this body/mind/brain? How can the illusory (i.e. non existent) 'self' be free
from the illusory (i.e. non existent) person/me'?

In my mind - person, self, me, I, Paul, my, mine, 'you' - are all words describing the illusory,
non existent self. :) Perhaps, you can help untie me? :)

Otherwise, I am calm, thoughts are not 'sticky' and life flows :)

Thanks Lubo
Best
Paul

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,

I am very confused. Am I awareness/life force or am I awareness/life force
contained in this body/mind/brain?

You cannot find what exactly you are. What you can point is experienced also.
Does the experience someone or something?
But you can find that in whole this/ life/awareness or whatever word you prefer - there is no entity, no person.
Body/mind/brain - these are tools of illusion. They point to something separate and independent.
Notice that the body is part of the nature, trees, flowers, clouds, body + thoughts - where is the separation?
Thoughts about separation and free will - is there real separation and real free will?
You can ask loudly - Hello, who is there separate from life? Who is living in the body? Is there anybody?
Look at the nature, is there someone independent who is running this show?
Why there must be someone, a person?

Much love
Lubo

[PaulR]

Thank you, Lubo,
So it is 'this' 'what is' all of it. No separate entity, just one 'what is'. A vast
infinite ocean/space of matter and energy, of awareness and implicit, natural
intelligence. Not to be explained or known. This 'entity, person, body, mind' the 'me, my, I, you'
are all illusion. Can illusion have free will? Can illusion be separate? No, I see that now in it's
simple perfection :)

On Sunday night, I woke at 2.00 am and at 2.10 a wondrous experience began... that feeling
of energy in my chest grew stronger and stronger, more that ever before and unsought. Then this 'energy'
started to leave the body, as if pulled in a string, out through my mouth to reform as a pulsating orb of glowing
power and energy in front of me. This gradually subsided, replaced with a sense of the breath, separate in delicate, physical form, small, fragile and very beautiful, like the greatest of all treasures. I watched this 'breath' a diaphragm expanding and contracting effortlessly in pure peace. Then a feeling of spaciousness and the deepest feeling of complete relaxation ever. I began to feel so heavy and felt pulled into the mattress like a magnet more and more until it became so uncomfortable, I opened my eyes for relief...... 2.42 am..... :) wow

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,
Wonderful

So it is 'this' 'what is' all of it. No separate entity, just one 'what is'. A vast
infinite ocean/space of matter and energy, of awareness and implicit, natural
intelligence. Not to be explained or known. This 'entity, person, body, mind' the 'me, my, I, you'
are all illusion. Can illusion have free will? Can illusion be separate? No, I see that now in it's
simple perfection :)

Is there an you who is separate from This?
What is to see this in everyday life?
What changes and what doesn't?

On Sunday night, I woke at 2.00 am and at 2.10 a wondrous experience began... that feeling
of energy in my chest grew stronger and stronger, more that ever before and unsought. Then this 'energy'
started to leave the body, as if pulled in a string, out through my mouth to reform as a pulsating orb of glowing
power and energy in front of me. This gradually subsided, replaced with a sense of the breath, separate in delicate, physical form, small, fragile and very beautiful, like the greatest of all treasures. I watched this 'breath' a diaphragm expanding and contracting effortlessly in pure peace. Then a feeling of spaciousness and the deepest feeling of complete relaxation ever. I began to feel so heavy and felt pulled into the mattress like a magnet more and more until it became so uncomfortable, I opened my eyes for relief...... 2.42 am..... :) wow

Wow, amazing experience.

love
Lubo

[PaulR]

Hey Lubo,
Good morning :)
There is nothing separate from 'this'... no me.
There is seeing but no seer.
There is no change to awareness to life force, God is always, unchanging.
But, all about, life is in constant, infinite change...
I have found bliss in the quiet mind, in 'what is'. Ready to live a life
with no plan, free to wonder at creation :)
Much love and gratitude for you, Lubo
Paul

[Lubo]

Hi Paul,
Beautifully said
reading your replay joy and curiosity are felt here.
Thank you for this.

I understand that your investigation in LU is on its end.
Do you want me to send you the final questions wich will help other guides to take a look at my work, if i missed something?
or there is something more that you want to explore?

Much Love
Lubo