The Gate

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘my’, my name are all labels which point to something which is not there in reality. They are born of the need for language to separate, divide & categorize. However, when I say I understand this – I don’t. I just intellectually think this is what is meant by it. Personally, I feel sadly wrapped up in me.

What are you looking for at LU?
I am hoping that guidance from LU might help a shift of perspective to occur because I feel trapped, unable to ‘wake up’ and yet called to do so. It's almost a feeling of claustrophobia sometimes; at others, a dull ache. I wander through life, it seems, only half alive. I feel sad that I might be blowing this precious life. I don’t have great will power for looking after myself or others – there’s something there that fears it might be pointless. Perhaps the realisation that there is no real self will be the key that allows a genuine , irreversible change for the better.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I expect to be asked questions like the ones I have read in Gateless Gatecrashers. Most of them, I have to say, fill my head with a kind of blankness: when I am asked – ‘who is Charles’ or ‘investigate this self’ I feel a kind of blank – a deep confusion – and I don’t know how to even start to ‘investigate’ something like that. But I guess I can provide answers as best I can and we can move from there. I will try to be 100% honest. I guess I hope to be treated with patience, or at least, appropriately by my guide and I hope I will able to see the sense tin their questions. I think I struggle to trust people and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was pretty attached to this idea of selfhood, even though it is said to be the root cause of suffering. I feel not exactly comfortable but at least familiar with a degree of suffering. However, something inside me (intuition?) is shouting at me that freedom is possible - and even close. I hope the guide will be able to see my specific blocks to this understanding and help to dismantle them.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I don’t feel particularly strong intellectually or indeed, spiritually but there has always been this curiosity in me with regard to the potential of this life combined with a fair bit of suffering (I’ve had eczema all my life) and sense of removal from the norm. I got interested in Buddhism as a young man and committed myself to it for a few years as best I could. I liked the rituals, the adventure, the friendships, the retreats and many of the practices. But I struggled with the group aspects and just couldn’t seem to fit in or sustain practices or commitments. I wandered away from the context I was in, got married, had a family, but never lost touch with the sangha completely. Recently, as my kids have become a little older, I have had more time to go back and practice more. Recently, I rejoined a study group and am trying to really value the friendships and support there. At the same time, I have kept my own search up and recently discovered the practice of tonglen, breathing in the suffering of other beings and breathing out relief from suffering. This seemed to fit my own proclivities as it is a fusion of a mindfulness and loving kindness practice and can be quite short: I don’t seem to be able to concentrate for long and although I love heart-based work, feel quite blocked there too. I continue to seek, and despite feeling quite time-constrained and distracted, continue to feel the significance of the search for meaning and trancendence.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?: 10

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘my’, my name are all labels which point to something which is not there in reality. They are born of the need for language to separate, divide & categorize. However, when I say I understand this – I don’t. I just intellectually think this is what is meant by it. Personally, I feel sadly wrapped up in me.

What feels sadly wrapped up in you? Actually look and see what it is that is supposedly getting "wrapped up" What is it that actually cares about "you"? And what exactly is that "caring" itself?

What feels sadly wrapped up in you?

Seeking and not finding is sad and frustrating.

Actually look and see what it is that is supposedly getting "wrapped up"

There is a thought of claustrophobia, stuck in thoughts, lost in them; sometimes disorientated.

What is it that actually cares about "you"? And what exactly is that "caring" itself?

Another thought would prefer there to be openness and homecoming. Thoughts are wrapping themselves up.

And what happens when thoughts of claustrophobia cease. Where is claustrophobia then? What is claustrophobia experientially?

What is claustrophobia experientially?

Ok if I might answer your questions in reverse order, I’ll first write a little about claustrophobia experientially. On a physical level it starts with the breath – I had breathing difficulties as a child – asthma. After that and since my nose is blocked a lot. I breathe through my mouth and I often don’t seem to trust the breath will come. In thoughts claustrophobia takes the former of confusion – often at night, trying and failing to understand something, to get it. I struggle to count ten breaths in meditation. I am careless, forgetful, distracted. On another level it’s the sense that nothing lasts, nothing can be owned and nothing is repeatable. It’s a sense of exile too, missing out. And then it’s a sense of powerlessness to change my habits... life just rolls ahead rolling almost all my good intentions flat as pancakes.

I had some healing recently and experienced a difficult birth memory – or a past life. I also had an elder brother who died in infancy lying face down in a cot. Very sad and scary. Stories.

So the word claustrophobia is quite evocative. What is it? A need which can’t be fully met. A knowledge or inkling that there is something just beyond reach which is of immense importance. A panic. When I am confused and bad dreaming at night, I tear my skin with my fingernails – I’ve had persistent eczema all my life too. I wake up and see the illogical nature of whatever riddle it was I had been trying so desperately to solve. And then I do what I can to calm my skin, let it heal. Funny thing is I am also quite calm and phlegmatic by day. I have a flashy temper however - under the surface the earth often shakes.

So what happens when thoughts of claustrophobia cease?

When thoughts of claustrophobia cease, I laugh, can be playful, enjoying the beautiful and the absurd. I sometimes dance. I gaze at light in the trees. I’m easily pleased, a happy fool. I am more attentive to others. My feet stay on the ground and I’m less confused and emotional. Less clingy and habitual, more creative and spontaneous.

Where is claustrophobia then?

Where is claustrophobia then? – it’s a joke. A bad way of describing the tangle of ripples on the surface of a stream. It’s just momentary tightness in a sinuous play of entities – like clouds, plants, steam from a cook pot. It’s a film about a knot or a maze or a boy trapped in a carpet (Room), strong to watch but not an omnipresent reality. It’s a thought looking at itself in the mirror and not recognising itself. Just riffing there but I was thinking about the word and how it has phobia in it and claus which I presume is something to do with closed. So a thought is closed out of knowing itself and becomes a mental panic, its raisin d’etre threatened. This spreads to the body like wildfire. Maybe a thought gets closed out by other thoughts, a pile up. Time to get out and walk!

You've hit on the answer without really seeing it.

You say that it STARTS with the breath, but does it really?

I'm noticing a reoccurring theme here. I'll quote some of your answers without using the usual function as it's a pain on this phone.

"In thoughts claustrophobia takes the former of confusion – often at night, trying and failing to understand something, to get it. "

"I struggle to count ten breaths in meditation"

"It’s a sense of exile too, missing out. And then it’s a sense of powerlessness to change my habits"

"A knowledge or inkling that there is something just beyond reach which is of immense importance."

So the constant desire for things to be other than they are causes tension/claustrophobia/discontentment/suffering?

"When thoughts of claustrophobia cease, I laugh, can be playful, enjoying the beautiful and the absurd."

So what's causing the claustrophobia? If THOUGHTS of claustrophobia cease and there's no problem, and when there are no thoughts of wanting things to be other than they are, there is no problem, then what is the problem?

Sorry it has taken me a while to reply – family commitments mainly (wishing that things were other than they are?)...

You say that it STARTS with the breath, but does it really?

Yes I understand the sensations of the breath and thoughts about it are just elements of experience in no particular priority, importance or order – I used the idea of ‘starting’ as a narrative device to lay out a range of responses to this idea of claustrophobia from the breath to thoughts, theories, feelings and memories. I guess I have a story about how breath and life-force seemed perilously rationed at times.

So the constant desire for things to be other than they are causes tension/claustrophobia/discontentment/suffering?

Yes, I think this is true.

So what's causing the claustrophobia? If THOUGHTS of claustrophobia cease and there's no problem, and when there are no thoughts of wanting things to be other than they are, there is no problem, then what is the problem?

The problem lies in the rejection of how things are – or appear to be, and wanting them to be (impossibly?) other. It’s a constant, exhausting struggle and one I’ve had enough of. If I give this up I won’t have a problem, so why do I do it so much? I am idealistic, and fearful and greedy and foolish and a million other things.
So perhaps my next task is to find out what I’m rejecting and why. Do you have any thoughts on what this might be?

The problem lies in the rejection of how things are – or appear to be, and wanting them to be (impossibly?) other. It’s a constant, exhausting struggle and one I’ve had enough of. If I give this up I won’t have a problem, so why do I do it so much? I am idealistic, and fearful and greedy and foolish and a million other things.
So perhaps my next task is to find out what I’m rejecting and why. Do you have any thoughts on what this might be?

It's not a case of "what I am rejecting"
There are thoughts of rejection, sometimes accompanied by physical sensations.
In real time experience can anything else be found?
Have an honest look.

Charles is not found but thoughts of wanting things to be other than they are, are.

great.

Once the mind identifies that those thoughts cause/are suffering, and that they serve no purpose, it tends to continuously lessen their production. Just let the process take care of itself.

Let's look at experience. Focus on any aspect of direct experience. For example, close your eyes and scratch your arm and focus on the physical sensation. Can any experiencer of experience be found? Try the same with sight, sound, smell, and taste.

Hi

I have been through each sensation in moments in the last few days and no experiencer can be found.

What does often arise is an attempt to bundle everything into a whole ongoing experience, like a great big multi-dimensional film. This feels very unstable and hard to maintain – a willed attempt to ‘see’.

Re the first part of your comment, I like the approach of letting the thought identification process take care of itself – for there has been much suffering there.

So if there is no seperate experiencer, can a doer be found?

be aware of the body moving and see if there is anything telling it to or making it move?

Well, I think I’ve asked my fingers to type and my eyes to read and if I haven’t, it all seems to be playing out in a very concerted and believable manner. Were these fingers always going to be typing these exact words etc. without ‘I’ having any say?

And on the other hand, the idea that the brain labels actions just after they occur and therefore appropriates them for the illusory self is (ironically) mind-boggling.

But I can’t find ‘I’ in my direct experience, either, I don’t think, so I guess the only answer is that there is no actor, just actions.

Well, I think I’ve asked my fingers to type and my eyes to read

That's the illusion.

So if, experientially, there is no experiencer and no doer, then what is suffering?

Suffering just is, caused by things that just are, all in relationship and constantly changing. Nothing experiences it yet there is experiencing.